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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my uninvited friend come into my house?

127 replies

PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/09/2021 19:14

I love having guests but only when they are expected. I'm not keen on people just dropping in.

I have poor health and am quite busy. I am not always up to visitors. I don't always have a clean and tidy house and I feel uncomfortable if people turn up and the house is a mess.

I am busy at times and need quiet time to destress. I'm not always sociable. If I'm not that well then I don't want to have to host guests. I also don't want people turning up when I'm cooking or we are eating.

I have told my friend many times not to just turn up. I've told her to ring first and ask. She has turned up even when I told her I was busy with family and specifically asked her not to visit.

Three days ago she turned up and I didn't hear the door. She thought I was purposely ignoring her (I'm hearing impaired). I told her she needed to prearrange a visit as the house was a mess and I didn't want anyone in until I'd sorted it.

She told me it didn't bother her if my house was a tip but I told her it bothered me and I'd like her to check with me first before just turning up. I don't visit her without pre arranging as she doesn't like people to drop in unexpectedly at her house. I don't ever drop in at hers without an invitation but I know she would let me in if I did. She would just moan to everyone about it afterwards.

Today she turned up when we were eating. She was upset I refused to let her in as she said she had text me. She text 7 minutes before to ask and as I was in the kitchen I didn't see or respond to her message.

I talked to her at the door and there was no problem that she urgently needed to see me about, she had just called in. I said we were eating and I'd see her later at a prearranged activity. She was obviously upset I wouldn't let her in.

I'm a bit apprehensive about seeing her tonight at 8:30.

AIBU: Was I rude to not let my friend come in my house today when she dropped in unexpectedly?

OP posts:

Plumtree391 · 10/09/2021 15:29

I'm sorry, Pandemicatthedisco.

For what it's worth, my house was always a mess. If someone was going to visit, we'd clear the area they'd be sitting, clean the toilet properly and tidy the kitchen a bit.

However my son was always having friends coming round and they didn't care, they liked being here and it was generally quite fun. No doubt some of them relayed to their parents that our house was messy. I did employ a fortnightly cleaner who came when I was at work.

I doubt your home is in as bad a state as you think it is but as you live with persons or a person, can they not do a bit of cleaning and tidying because it obviously bothers you. Or else ;phone a cleaning agency who will send somebody to 'blitz' your house, with no judgement. A friend of mine does that every few weeks.

You've done nothing wrong, your friend is in the wrong but she doesn't mean to be; she'll get over this. So will you.

Most of the posts on this thread (that I have read), are supportive of you. I'm very sorry you are in poor health and hope it improves.

BlackShadowCat · 10/09/2021 15:49

It seems you have asked her repeatedly not to just drop by, so she should respect that. It does sound like she is trying to turn you into her next pet project. Keep being strong! And don't feel bad.

Barmychick · 10/09/2021 17:52

YANBU. But I wonder if we could all be a little more flexible in our lives?

Foxlover46 · 10/09/2021 17:58

I hope you're not getting a hard time with the people messaging you.
When I was growing up my parents never had uninvited guests in and they were both very tidy , they just didn't like things that weren't arranged so I've grown up with that kind of mentality too,I wouldn't ever knock at anyone's who wasn't expecting me & I prefer people to arrange with me aswell , mostly because my two dogs are rescue and quite nervous and barky so I can plan the visit better but more just because how hard is it to arrange

SpideySenseTingles · 10/09/2021 18:08

I suspect that your friend sees you as a vulnerable person who needs checking up on and caring for. Maybe she thinks she is doing you the favour by 'being their for you'. Maybe she is telling your mutual friends that she is worried about you and they are checking in to see for themselves.

It's unpleasant but I think the only answer is to carry on doing what you have been doing, keep being honest. And if others ask just tell them the truth. Lots of people would not want frequent unannounced visitors. It's really normal.

Newbabynewhouse · 10/09/2021 18:09

I mean.. I completely understand how you feel as my house is a mess most of the time and I like to tidy before visitors and sometimes if I'm in Pjs feeling particularly down, I don't like visitors.. but at the same time I wouldn't turn a good friend away I'd just apologise for the mess. She may start to get a bit offended and think she's not a good enough friend.. u may lose a friend over this...

ellyeth · 10/09/2021 18:11

Generally speaking, I prefer to have some warning if a friend wants to come round. However, I would not refuse them entry if they hadn't pre-booked!

However, as you have emphasized on many occasions that you do not want unplanned visitors, I think your friend was out of order. I would find it quite exhausting battling with someone about such issues. If you have said no, you don't want help with cleaning, you don't need help with buying stuff, etc., then she should listen and stop being pushy.

I think I might be re-considering this friendship or at least cooling it off.

Madamum18 · 10/09/2021 18:12

You are NOT being unreasonable. She is! You have said clearly that you do not want her to turn up. Common sense says that 10 minutes before in a text is nit enough, especially as you explained that you like house to be tidy AND she knows you have some health problems.

I think you need to say VERY clearly:

Look, I understand that you dont agree with me/find it easier to turn up as and when BUT on this I dont feel able to compromise. I need at least notice and I hope you understand if I sometimes have to say no. If you do just turn up then I hope you understand that I will not be able to invite you in or chat, as I am busy/resting/eating."

If she starts to argue just keep repeating "I understand that you dont agree with me but this is the way I want things to work for visits to my house. There is no point discussing it further!"

Chris08 · 10/09/2021 18:21

I have kept someone at the door when they just turned up, it’s just rude & if they don’t like it then leave me alone please.

Mollymoostoo · 10/09/2021 18:23

@Recessed

In normal circumstances it would be incredibly rude to not let a friend in, regardless how messy the house is/how tired or antisocial you were feeling but since you explicitly told her not to do it and it's something she doesn't like either then YANBU. Weird that she'd try to trample over your boundary after explicitly being told? Is she usually a good friend besides? As I can't imagine a good friend doing that.

I completely disagree. It is up to an individual who they invite into their home. If the univited guest thinks they are entitled to step over the threshold, that is on them not the householder. The OP in no way needed to justify her reasons, she wasn't up for inviting her in...end of story.

MeredithGreyishblue · 10/09/2021 18:25

If you do want Clarks there's tons on ebay - I've just had a nosy

Youdoyoutoday · 10/09/2021 18:32

She's a cheeky feck with double standards if she doesn't like people dropping by unannounced

winnieanddaisy · 10/09/2021 18:36

We don't mind people who drop in at all . We have the doors unlocked when we're in , so people like my DSs and DDIL and other family don't even have to knock they walk straight in . One son tends to call in about 4pm so that he might get invited to tea .
My daughter has a couple of close friends that just walk in and a couple more that knock .
These people tend to know our work shifts so can work out when a visit isn't convenient ie. when my DD is sleeping after a night shift . I guess we are the odd ones though

ALongHardWinter · 10/09/2021 18:42

No,you definitely not BU! I'd hate this too. And it really pisses me off when people say 'I don't care if your house is tip'. Sorry,but it bothers ME!

Original poster

PandemicAtTheDisco · 10/09/2021 19:02

Thanks everyone. I've been quite active today. There's been a few comments on SM about people not accepting help when it's offered and how ungrateful some people are. But there are also a few remarks that make me believe it's not aimed at me - I've stayed out of it anyway. The conversation times don't match too well either but my first thoughts were that it was all about me.

My house varies. There is a lot of clutter. I prepare for invited guests. It's not always ready for unexpected guests. When it's tidy is when I invite people around more spontaneously. I have the curtains mostly closed as the bright light often brings on migraines.

I think there is real concern based around some of her actions but I don't want her checking up on me all the time. It isn't her responsibility. She passes my house and calls in as she notices the curtains are closed. I virtually always have them closed; I've told her this.

I will eventually need more support but I'm doing really well at the moment and making a real effort to be compliant with taking all my medicine. Covid hit me hard and my breathing is a bit of a worry but I don't want to be focussing on my declining health or for others to be making it their focus. I'm quite independent and want to remain so for as long as possible.

I don't need Florence Nightingale sweeping in to nurse me.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2021 19:20

The fact that after the activity you were at, she was still there with her nose out of joint because you arranged for someone else to bring you home (because it suited you more than her).
She does seem like she is trying to slot you into the position her late mother had, where she will be looking after you and dropping in at any time but you've got really clear and easy to understand boundaries (and are keeping them) and she is finding this difficult to deal with. None of which is your issue to resolve. She is also coming across as nosy because she wants to see inside your home.

You are definitely not being unreasonable here.

2bazookas · 10/09/2021 19:21

Well done for standing your ground. Don't feel bad; she had ample warnings and requests not to do that, and hasn't considered your feelings at all. As for turning up at a mealtime!!!!!

A text 7 minutes before arriving is NOT polite notice/request.

MumsMeaningfulMayhem · 10/09/2021 19:49

YADNBU...
but I'm afraid your friend will think you were DBU

ALongHardWinter · 10/09/2021 20:05

Aw OP so sorry to hear you've got all those health issues. I admire you for striving to be so independent. I did laugh at your 'Florence Nightingale' remark though!

Jayne35 · 10/09/2021 20:42

Yanbu if that’s how you feel and you have told your friend so, more than once, she she respect your feelings. I’m the total opposite to you and if my door is not locked family and close friends just knock, walk in and shout hi only me, but everyone is different. I hope your friend gets the message now.

Angrywife · 10/09/2021 20:54

Regardless of your personal situation, and whether you were eating or just lounging around, it is extremely rude of anyone to come to your house unannounced, expect and answer and expect to be invited in.

I don't answer my door unless I'm expecting someone, or a parcel delivery. My home is my sanctuary, it's where I hide from the world and look after me. It's up to me and my family when and if we answer the door and if we invite the caller in, no-one has a right to insist we do different.

Stick to your guns and instead of keep explaining to her, or feeling you have to apologise, just say 'I've told you before, I don't answer the door/invite unexpected people in. Giving reasons and excuses gives her something to argue against.

Bleachmycloths · 10/09/2021 23:06

Stupid behaviour. You’ve told her many times not to turn up without checking and she ignores you. She’s an idiot.

thisplaceisweird · 10/09/2021 23:11

I don't think it matters what we think. You've given her clear boundaries for the friendship and she's ignoring your wishes, that's not on.

HeckyPeck · 10/09/2021 23:17

@BlackShadowCat

It seems you have asked her repeatedly not to just drop by, so she should respect that. It does sound like she is trying to turn you into her next pet project. Keep being strong! And don't feel bad.

This!

My friends would only need to tell me once that they didn't like people dropping in. I can't imagine just continuing to badger them. Especially when she hates people dropping in on her too!

I'd keep her at arms length OP.

Mamanyt · 11/09/2021 00:31

IF this had been the first time it happened, I'd have said YABU. However, from what you are saying, it was not the first (or second or even third) time you had talked with her about that. She is not respecting the boundaries that you have set up. She has no right whatsoever to complain. It isn't as if she had a crisis going on, and NEEDED you. Don't give it a second thought, and if she tries to bully you about it, simply tell her that the friendship is not working for you, and you wish her very well in her life going forward. WIthout you.

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