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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

573 replies

summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:09

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

OP posts:
Benjispruce5 · 09/09/2021 18:11

Yes through today’s lens it’s disrespecting boundaries but elderly gentleman aren’t in mumsnet or Twitter and he meant well.

KatyS36 · 09/09/2021 18:11

@Comedycook

Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Me! When dd was a baby, a group of older quite posh ladies were paying her a lot of attention and one asked to hold her...I happily handed her over and ate my lunch with both hands!

Me!

DH was juggling DD and trying to eat (she was never happy in her pram, wanted to see everything). The lovely lady at the next table reached out and said shall I? We said 'yes' in unison :)

DH could eat, DD could see, lovely lady got to cuddle a baby, tho lovely ladies DH did look slightly bored :)

Inastatus · 09/09/2021 18:12

I’m sorry OP but I voted YABU. I think it’s definitely a generational thing and I would have been quite touched if that had happened to my babies when they were small. A lot of older people love meeting babies and it is human nature to want to interact with them. I find it really sad that people can get so offended and upset by this.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2021 18:13

@onelittlefrog

Given that we're in the middle of a global pandemic I don't really think anyone should be touching random people's faces.

In normal times, yes it's probably just a generational thing and I doubt it would bother me unless they pinched hard and made the baby cry or something.

But op doesn't kind about the germs, it's about the fact he violated the toddlers bodily autonomy
Notgoingonholiday · 09/09/2021 18:13

bet he’s sitting at home feeling shit right now. Well done OP.
Agree with this.
And definitely stay away from holiday destinations like Turkey. They absolutely don't ask permission before they grab your kids cheeks. It's a lovely way of showing how their cultures value children.

pommepommefrites · 09/09/2021 18:14

Oh god, op, I've got second hand embarrassment for you, you must have sounded like a right prick 🤣

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/09/2021 18:14

DH and I were walking along the street and a disembodied young voice hailed us. A young boy up a tree chatting! I nearly fell over with shock, it has become so unfamiliar! Met him a little later again and he carried on chatting - and I started to think I'd better ask him to introduce us to his parents or we'd be in serious trouble.

Read Isaac Asimov - Solaris. That's where we're heading.

WildImaginings · 09/09/2021 18:14

There was no need for you to go and speak to the man after he left and tell him he upset you!

You didn't like it, fair enough. But it happened quickly and you gained literally nothing from going and telling off an elderly man who was just being kind.

I hope you feel proud for putting him in his place, unnecessary and cruel.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/09/2021 18:14

@NotAnotherPylon

Well, thanks to your reaction, he sure as hell won't touch another child's face in a hurry. Thank Christ for that, eh?
Yep and then we'll get another thread about the UK not being 'family friendly' or why don't people live up to 'it takes a village to bring up a child'.
Tinpotspectator · 09/09/2021 18:15

I think it's a complete over reaction to a probably lonely and certainly kind old man.

orinocosfavoritecake · 09/09/2021 18:16

I’m on his side - it’s lovely when people make a fuss of babies.

thecognoscenti · 09/09/2021 18:16

People like you make the world a miserable and isolated place for so many, especially elderly people. He will have done no harm to your child. You have probably made him feel like shit. Well done OP.

SirSidneyRuffDiamond · 09/09/2021 18:17

Did you not consider the elderly man's feelings at all? You probably ruined his day and made him feel awful. After all these long months of lockdown and isolation he probably wanted to reconnect with other people.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 09/09/2021 18:17

YANBU because everyone is allowed their own opinion when it comes to their baby and boundaries. You didn't fly off the handle but you're well entitled to make your boundaries clear, whatever they might be and whether or not anyone else agrees.

I personally wouldn't like it, nor having a stranger hold my baby. Not saying those who are fine with it are wrong, just different opinion to me!

CheekyAFAIK · 09/09/2021 18:20

You had a go at an old man for admiring your baby? Yabvvvvvvvvu. Babies need love and contact, not sterility!

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 09/09/2021 18:21

No matter how polite you were @summerisler , that man went away feeling bad inside, regretful and perhaps sad. Later on he was probably thinking of what a self-absorbed mother you are, which is a shame.
Not your finest hour!

SailYourShips · 09/09/2021 18:24

You sound charmless and very rude indeed but I wonder if you are very rarely listened to and are way down the list of priorities of those you know.

I ask because, sometimes, being a mum for this type of person is the only time in their lives that they feel they have a bit of power and so they like to throw their weight around. In this case, marching up to someone to tell him off for the heinous crime of touching your baby.

I'd love to know exactly what you said that made "your upset known" and whether you would have approached a less vulnerable person who was with a rowdy group. That's right, you wouldn't!

I imagine the chap is dining out on the tale though.

Gardenlass · 09/09/2021 18:26

There is something wrong with a society where young mothers take offence at a kind gesture, in the open air and with other people around.

What were you afraid of, exactly? Your baby wasn't harmed in any way, and it was unkind and uncalled for, to remonstrate with him afterwards. I suggest you lighten up and save your annoyance for something that really matters.

FrozenWillow · 09/09/2021 18:26

That poor guy. His week, month will be ruined now. He was just being kind picking up your bairns toy and most elderly people do stroke their cheeks. It lights up an elderly persons day to see the young with their full life ahead of them and even if it's just for a moment, they relish being a part of it. Human connection is important and touch is very important for children, particularly babies and the elderly. It's a form of communication.

Dementia patients have a positive reaction to doll therapy. Of course you think that the strange man should not have touched your baby. That is within your right - but you could have left it at that instead of running after him and telling him his kind act was wrong Sad

And I have allowed strangers to hold my babies before. What you worried about? That they are going to run off with them? I think OP, you need to explore this with a professional about why you feel this way.

MonicaGellerBing · 09/09/2021 18:28

It upset you? Ffs OP get a bloody grip

neveradullmoment99 · 09/09/2021 18:30

@WitchBaby

Poor old man. You actually approached him afterwards? Madness.
This. You should be ashamed of yourself. How horrible. My mum is an OAP and delights in seeing babies and young children. A total over reaction. A sign of society today.
clara443 · 09/09/2021 18:32

My stunningly cute platinum blonde, blue eyed boy was touched, hair ruffled etc all over Spain when he was little.

I think you need to calm down a bit.

Comedycook · 09/09/2021 18:32

His week, month will be ruined now

Let's not catastrophise.

flibberyjibbery8 · 09/09/2021 18:33

Not sure on this one. I don't like it, especially in these times, but I'm not sure I'd have said anything to an older man who was finding some joy in a little one. In their day it was the norm to do this sort of thing, so I dont think they do it to intentionally upset anyone.

DesertSky · 09/09/2021 18:36

My husband’s family live in the Mediterranean. It is normal there for strangers to show children affection and even kiss them! I know we are not used to that in the UK, but there was a time (decades ago!) where people would pat a child’s cheek or head, ruffle their hair etc as a friendly gesture and it wouldn’t be frowned upon. I do feel sorry for that old man.