Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

[summerisler]

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

Given that we're in the middle of a global pandemic I don't really think anyone should be touching random people's faces.

In normal times, yes it's probably just a generational thing and I doubt it would bother me unless they pinched hard and made the baby cry or something.

Pinching is a bit off. Stroking the cheek isn't too bad. When I was out with my two year old an elderly man bought my son a lolly and I refused it. Son is now 20 and I still feel bad I didn't let the man have his enjoyment and say thank you.

This is definitely something my grandparents would do, or want to do anyway! They just love children so much and also get a bit lonely too. I’d be gutted if someone confronted them over it like you did.

Given that we're in the middle of a global pandemic I don't really think anyone should be touching random people's faces

I agree, but OP has said it’s not germs/covid she’s worried about, it was the touch itself

Definitely a generational thing. Young mums now are way more neurotic about these things
Definitely I used to like it when they did it to my babies.
The older adult always looked happy seeing a baby and I liked the look of curiosity on baby's face looking at someone new.

I'm that mum who was delighted when anyone took an interest in my beautiful children.

At a baby group I actually asked a lovely lady who was admiring my newborn to hold her while I drank my (hot, for a change) tea.

She got a lovely cuddle and I got to stretch my arms and relax for 5 minutes.

That wonderful stranger has become a very treasured family friend who we all love tremendously.

There are much worse things that could happen than an elderly person touching your baby's cheek.

Agree it's probably generational. I've had quite a lot of elderly people try to touch my baby. A few weeks ago we passed an old lady in a wheelchair while shopping who reached out to touch my DD and her daughter slapped her hand and said 'no, we can't touch'. It wasn't nice to witness.
I really don't like people touching my DD but would never be rude enough to do what OP did.
If people touch her hands I'll just put a bit of sanitiser on them (if I can be bothered).

Other than that, it tends to be small children that try to touch her.

You were very rude OP. Poor man.

@WitchBaby

Poor old man. You actually approached him afterwards? Madness.

This. I hope he isn't feeling too awful about the world now :(

You reacted horribly. Are you always that rude? I hope that elderly gentleman is ok. No good deed goes unpunished. Can't win with some people. You would probably be moaning saying how rude he was if he had not picked up dc toy. Chill out.

This is why I keep wipes and a cloth to clean my baby’s hands and face. I wouldn’t use them in sight of someone who just touched her though. and I wouldn’t stop someone innocently touching her.

I was having a conversation with my dad about helping lost children in shops, he adores children and was an amazingly kind and patient sad growing up, I was surprised when he said he wouldn’t approach an upset child for fear of being accused of something. I was shocked at the time, but threads like this confirm his feelings for me.

Shock horror OP but people like interacting with babies and it is good for their development. We are seeing awful separation anxiety in lockdown babies who are now toddlers.

@DonatellaVersace

Would it bother me? Yes absolutely, but I’m extremely uptight. Would I have approached him afterwards? Absolutely not.

^ bit of this. It was done, it upset you, but saying that to the guy didn’t take it away. I’m sure he wasn’t trying to be nasty? I think you handled it badly. Sorry.

[quote Samanabanana]@judheJ yes because that's EXACTLY the same scenario. I would obviously step in to help a child in distress. I would expect the same of any other decent human. But touching a child who is no relation to you for your own benefit (even if entirely innocent) is not ok, imho. It just pisses all over boundaries.

Why should it be ok that the OP feel uncomfortable but it's not ok to make the person who overstepped her boundaries feel uncomfortable? Such odd double standards on this thread.[/quote]
It had already been done - the OP feeling uncomfortable does not mean she should therefore approach someone else and make them feel uncomfortable. Tit for tat. Especially considering he was trying to be kind and helpful - it came from a place of goodness. And the OP shat all over that. She may well have ruined his whole week or month. Meanwhile precious OP and her precious baby carry on with their day unscathed.

Reprimanding people for trying to be kind and helpful is what whittles away at all the goodness in the world and leaves people too scared to breathe or look in the direction of others.

Poor old man. He’s probably lonely 😢

I always try to remember that older people may well be lonely and have very little interaction with others. A baby or small child is the perfect excuse to talk to someone.
That may have been the only interaction he had with another person today that wasn't buying something.

This is very true, I have a small baby and totally get the not liking people touching, I hate it too, even pre covid with my other children I didn't like it, but would I say something to an elderly well intentioned person, no. Having a baby/children does make elderly people gravitate towards you for interaction, I always chat as I'm very aware I might be the only person they speak to thst day. Yesterday i nearly made us late for my daughter's swimming lesson as I stopped to chat to a lady in her 80s, I would have said "I'm in a hurry, can't chat" but she said to me "nobody wants to chat anymore" and was telling me how her neighbours wouldn't speak to her and people out and about weren't friendly. Broke my heart actually, she was clearly lonely and just wanted a chat. I stood chatting to her for 20 minutes before I said I really did have to go. If she'd reached into the pram and touched my 5 month old (she didnt) I'd have let it go, children seem to bring a bit of light to elderly people.

An absolute gem of a woman offered to hold DD as a baby when we were at the swimming pool and I was trying to get changed and DD was crying and I was stressed. I've never forgotten her kindness.

This used to happen to me all the time when I lived in France, almost always from elderly people. I was that crazy new mum who thought her daughter was the most beautiful baby to have ever been born so I enjoyed the attention. In my hormonal eyes it just confirmed that I was right (I wasn't, after a traumatic birth she was a bit funny looking for a few months 🤣)

Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Oh, I did even worse than that, I handed my pfb aged 6 months to a complete stranger and ran away!

For context, I was on the CalMac ferry to Lewis and feeling seasick. DH and I were taking it in turns to be on deck in the fresh air, and inside with the baby. It was my turn to be inside, but I really wasn't coping. A lady sitting opposite, surrounded by a wheen of her own bairns, spotted my delicate shade of green and asked if she could take the baby... I handed him over without a second thought and ran to the loos. Very glad I did.

I'd probably get social services called on me for that these days.

For those concerned the old man is now utterly devastated, I doubt it. He probably just thinks OP is a slightly neurotic mum and has forgotten the matter. We're resilient like that, us oldies.

YANBU. I'm sorry he didn't respect yours and your baby's boundaries. MN is notorious for bashing those with boundaries and self respect so while these replies have been disgusting, they're to be taken with a pinch/bucket of salt. I'm sure the man meant no harm but you were right to tell him you felt he did something wrong. Good on you.

Poor old chap, that was really unkind of you OP.

Some of these replies are very patronising to all of us older people who live on their own. We don't all want to touch, hold or coo over strange babies.

Aren’t you embarrassed that you’ve actually approached the poor man afterwards 🙄

Crikey!!! At the moment I'm judging behaviour on here with the horrific happenings in Kabul. Women passed their babies over barbed wire to soldiers on the other side. Your child was in no danger whatsoever. You're within your rights to allow or not allow people to touch your baby. Of course you are. But to run after the man and tell him off. Despicable.

The poor man. What a horrible and unkind thing to do OP.