Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

[summerisler]

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

Poor man, he was kind to pick up the toy that you hadn't even noticed she had dropped, and it was probably just his natural instinct to stroke her cheek. I think he sounds lovely.

It's not as if he put his finger in her mouth - and she probably put the toy that had been on the floor, straight into her mouth.

Saying something to him was really not very nice, poor man.

To be fair, and I could be wrong, but I don't get the feeling OP took it as a power trip or set out to upset the poor bloke.
It is OK to feel uncomfortable about things that others are ok without needing professional help.
Babies are wonderful, it's so sweet when you can interact with them, chat a bit, smile etc...and if you were chatting to the mum you might get an idea of how they felt, or you could ask about holding etc. I'd never assume it was ok otherwise though

Yabu. Just this afternoon I was out walking with DS (14 months old). Elderly lady approached us this afternoon and gave DS's foot a wee shake. She asked me how old he was, spoke to him about going on a nice walk with mummy, and told me about her great grandchildren. I really think they mean well, maybe lonely.

@Clymene

It's got nothing to do with instilling boundaries. You just don't like people you don't know touching your baby.

And you were horrible to a kind old man

This!

I think it was exactly that...a power trip.

This is a cultural thing I think. I was once invited to a child’s birthday party where most people attending were Indian. I had my one year old with me and lots of people came up a squeezed his cheek. It seemed to be what was done when saying hello to a baby. They were all lovely with him.

Poor man. He may have misjudged things in yours and many other’s eyes, but for him he was picking up a toy and returning it to a beautiful baby who gave him joy for a moment. I just can’t be mad about that. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Claricestarling1

Poor man..hope you feel good about yourself!

Exactly

In Greece, waitresses will pick up your baby/toddler and take them for a little wander around. I love it. Middle-eastern relatives also chooch (this may be a word I’ve made up) little cheeks.

When I’m an old lady I’m going to want to snuggle all the babies

I can totally relate and it would bother me.

Before Covid times we took my 6month old baby to meet his grandma and she not only tried to wake him in his car seat but did it by stroking his lips! I was screaming inside, don't fucking wake him and certainly not with your grubby bloody hands!

It’s definitely a generation thing and although I feel for the OP I couldn’t have said anything as I expect it upset the man!

Boundaries? Consent? What the fuck has this world come to? We're not talking about teenagers here, it's a 1 year old right beside you. Jeez.

@summerisler

Genuine question- not goady.

Do you push other kids on swings at parks if they need it/ask?
Do you lift up kids at soft play of they get stuck or can’t reach the next bit?

Some parents hate this too.

Oops posted on wrong thread, have reported.

I think if you were going to say something you should have done it when he did it, but it sounds like you approached him after the event which seems a bit menacing really. I agree with you that it's inappropriate, but in the same way you've not ventured out much since early pregnancy, he probably hasn't either, and missed human company.

Presumably so OP can feel satisfied he'll never do it again and will have thus protected other toddlers from such violation whilst the old man worries the lady with the babies thinks he's a paedophile

Sanctimonious twaddle! Maybe she'll take more care of her child's possessions in future. Violation? You sound like the sort of person for whom breaking a nail is a trauma!

So this old man touching your child did absolutely no harm, to anyone. You (even if it was politely) telling him off could have upset this man beyond belief. Ridiculous behaviour, give your head a wobble. One day you might be old and lonely.

what was it about it that bothered you so much, OP ?
i'm trying to understand.
can you see or accept at all that your reaction suggests you have a problem; that your horror is not normal, esp as you say it's not germ-related.
i agree about not letting strange woman hold him.
that's fine, totally understandable. ok for her to ask, and ok for you to decline the offer.
but this is in a different category.
do you have strong feelings about other things child-related.
are you generally an anxious person.

It's nothing to do with instilling boundaries young ffs - she's one! She doesn't have a bloody clue what you're on about, all she knows is a nice man gave her the toy back.
You're using boundaries as an excuse when as a pp said, you're just being precious about your child. If you didn't like it fine, but a reasonable person would have smiled and said thank you for picking the toy up. Not approached an elderly man and told him off for being kind.
Saying it's upset you is so OTT it's absolute madness, and so self involved - do you not realise you've probably really upset him?! And embarrassed him in front of his wife to boot.
If you're going to be so uptight about every person or thing that your children encounter, I'd honestly keep them home. One of the most ludicrous things I've read in a long time.

This poor man. In his twilight years, sees a little one and makes a nice gesture. Gets chased down for upsetting mum. Will probably never smile at a other tot again.

That might have been his only interaction for the entire day.

The replies in this thread are bonkers. Only interaction/lonely or not, don’t touch strangers without permission when there’s a pandemic going on. The stranger being a baby doesn’t make it okay.

You’re all loopy 😂

This thread actually brought a tear to my eye.
I'm just imagining how the old man must have felt - happy at saying a friendly hello to a cute baby and giving her face a stroke - and then sad feeling he had done wrong.

@BigThumb it’s about proportionate response.

Would I touch a stranger’s baby? No

Would I seek out and confront an elderly person for retrieving my baby’s toy and pinching her cheek? No

I think you are being a tad precious.

It's definitely a generational thing.

I let a random person hold one of my baby DDs, as I kind of get that some people love babies (and, especially twins).

Why did you 'approach' the chap and not say something to him at the time?!

Oh my word... how horrific!! I.geel.sorry for the friendly poor man you no doubt made feel embarrassed and confused.