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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

573 replies

summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:09

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

OP posts:
Benjispruce5 · 09/09/2021 17:40

I offered to hold a mother’s baby in the supermarket when her toddler was in mid tantrum. She accepted, she got herself and toddler sorted and I handed baby back. Again, context and intention.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2021 17:40

I have 21 month old twins. If anyone wants a cuddle, they hate their pushchair on the bus and I'd love a hand!!

Incidentally the next time in a pram thread someone tells me to collapse my double buggy and pass the kids to randomers, I'm going to quote about how inappropriate it would be for them to touch my child without their consent.

impossible · 09/09/2021 17:41

I expect this man was just expressing a bit of humanity. Your telling off, however delivered, would have made him feel terrible and turned a joyful moment into something very uncomfortable.

He may well have been a parent of young children once himself in a less precious time. I feel very sorry for him - personally I think you should have kept your complaint to yourself. Poor guy. He will certainly think twice in future about interacting in any way with a small child.

Holly60 · 09/09/2021 17:42

I think you were a bit mean to say something afterwards. I mean, it had happened, and making him feel bad wasn’t going to undo it.

DonatellaVersace · 09/09/2021 17:43

Would it bother me? Yes absolutely, but I’m extremely uptight. Would I have approached him afterwards? Absolutely not.

DameCelia · 09/09/2021 17:43

I always try to remember that older people may well be lonely and have very little interaction with others. A baby or small child is the perfect excuse to talk to someone.
That may have been the only interaction he had with another person today that wasn't buying something.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 09/09/2021 17:44

No good deed goes unpunished eh OP?

Next time he notices someone dropped a toy and hadn’t realised he’ll probably ignore.

This thread makes me really sad actually as I can just imagine my DDad doing this and then feeling like he had completely overstepped when told off. Horrible.

FlatStanletta · 09/09/2021 17:44

YANBU!! For sure!

Once in Costa a random lady leaned over the empty pram to KISS my baby son who was on my lap! I was so shocked I just sat there in horror.

She definitely didn’t know us or think that she did as she didn’t greet us. Just said that he was really cute as she moved away.

I still shudder when I think about it.

My baby, my rules!

SmallPrawnEnergy · 09/09/2021 17:44

It’s funny isn’t we. So often on here we see posts about teaching bodily autonomy in children and women, how important it is etc. Here op is doing just that and she is crucified.

There are also many posts about how women should be overtly nicey nicey when they’re uncomfortable and should be free to express how they are feeling in a straight forward manner. OP did just that and again she is lambasted for being cruel and vile to an “old man” (don’t even get me started on the contradictory use of elderly / old when it suits the narrative).

MN… a thriving hive of hypocrisy.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 09/09/2021 17:45

Shouldn’t be* rather than should be

Geneva1994 · 09/09/2021 17:45

Once in Costa a random lady leaned over the empty pram to KISS my baby son who was on my lap! I was so shocked I just sat there in horror

That’s absolutely not the same thing...

Understandingnotignorance · 09/09/2021 17:45

Im sorry to say you sound like really hard work. I'd have understood if it had been covid related concerns. And I wonder if the woman on the crossing had actually 'demanded' to see your baby or was it just a natural aww reaction which most people have when they see a baby.

Understandingnotignorance · 09/09/2021 17:48

@DameCelia that was completely my first thought. What was the need to approach him to tell him after it had happened and the likelihood of seeing him again is small.

Raggedyanabell · 09/09/2021 17:48

@saraclara Yep. I actually feel a bit damp around the eyes. My lovely lovely MIL used to approach people to admire their babies, and, I don't know for certain, but I can imagine her stroking their head or their cheeks.
If you'd approached her to reprimand her, even politely, she'd have held it together to apologise to you profusely, but I guarantee that out off your sight, she'd have sobbed and worried about it for months. And never dared admire a stranger's baby again.

This has actually really upset me. You seem to be entirely devoid of empathy and kindness.

Aww Sara your post has choked me up. Its so upsetting that an inconsiderate comment from one unthinking person could have such an impact on another person. But it is sadly true. Surely we all know that there is an epidemic of loneliness among the elderly, there is no excuse for this type of behaviour.

mirijones · 09/09/2021 17:48

So dramatic and precious.

The same thing happened to us today. A lovely, friendly lady was smiling and playing with DD (who is also 1) and stroked her cheek. DD is my first and I could not care less.

Get over yourself.

Nixandwotsit · 09/09/2021 17:49

You will never see him again. It was done and he'd moved away. So there was no need for you to go over to him and tell him off. It might not be so socially acceptable any more, but these small, unthinking gestures come from a place of happiness. Happiness the sight of a baby. Memories of children and grandchildren coming back. From a good place.

Guavaf1sh · 09/09/2021 17:49

You did the wrong thing and sound an absolute misery! Poor man! Through your actions you make the world just a little bit worse

Cuddlypinkcat · 09/09/2021 17:49

@SmallPrawnEnergy

It’s funny isn’t we. So often on here we see posts about teaching bodily autonomy in children and women, how important it is etc. Here op is doing just that and she is crucified.

There are also many posts about how women should be overtly nicey nicey when they’re uncomfortable and should be free to express how they are feeling in a straight forward manner. OP did just that and again she is lambasted for being cruel and vile to an “old man” (don’t even get me started on the contradictory use of elderly / old when it suits the narrative).

MN… a thriving hive of hypocrisy.

Or could it be that different posters feel differently about things, and post accordingly? I'm not sure if MN is as much of a hive mind as some people like to suggest.
Nixandwotsit · 09/09/2021 17:50

Inside he must have felt so bad, and next time he will be wary of approaching a baby again, touching or not.

Skyla2005 · 09/09/2021 17:51

I bet that's really upset him poor man

Rach888 · 09/09/2021 17:51

That poor man. That could have been the only bit of warmth he experienced today. He tried to do a good deed and you scolded him for it. God help you when you catch your baby eating dirt off the floor.

Understandingnotignorance · 09/09/2021 17:52

The more I think about your reaction op and think about that poor man, the more upset I feel for him and angry that there are such uptight and precious people out there resulting in people becoming increasingly wary of helping and interacting with others.

Franklyfrost · 09/09/2021 17:52

Never travel outside the uk op!

YouDoYouBoo · 09/09/2021 17:52

@DonatellaVersace

Would it bother me? Yes absolutely, but I’m extremely uptight. Would I have approached him afterwards? Absolutely not.
This^^

I had this when my dcs were smaller and no, I really did not like it. But I don't think I'd have told the guy off tbh.

bookh · 09/09/2021 17:52

@SmallPrawnEnergy to me, because there is a difference between teaching bodily autonomy and teaching basic human interaction. A handshake, perfectly normal between adults, holding open a door, picking up an item, talking to a toddler, stroking a babies cheek. All perfectly normal.

Grabbing someone's bum, kissing a baby, taking a toddler and leading them away by the hand, not normal.

It's the turning innocent human behaviour into something bad that's the difference in my mind.

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