Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

[summerisler]

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

If you're still reading OP, most of the new mums I know feel the same and have little signs to hang on the buggy politely asking people not to touch baby, maybe that could work if you don't want to have to say so to people?
I can't comment on how you spoke to the man, but you don't have to let strangers touch your baby, it's okay to ask them not to do it (politely).

I would hate it. I wouldn't want a stranger stroking me, so why I want a stranger stroking my child? Whether or not it made him happy is irrelevant, it doesn't give him (or anyone) the right to invade someone else's personal space 🥴 I'm really surprised at the amount of people who say they would be fine with this. I think it also shows a very big difference between generational understanding and importance of consent

@Youarestillintherunning

I would hate it. I wouldn't want a stranger stroking me, so why I want a stranger stroking my child? Whether or not it made him happy is irrelevant, it doesn't give him (or anyone) the right to invade someone else's personal space 🥴 I'm really surprised at the amount of people who say they would be fine with this. I think it also shows a very big difference between generational understanding and importance of consent

Mmm, this may come as a revelation but babies and adults are different. Babies are allowed to suckle women's breasts and have their bottoms cleaned in public, for example. Adults: not so much.

Consent cannot be given by someone who lacks capacity, which includes all young children. If a child is upset by contact with anyone, whether a relative or stranger, then of course its parents will want to protect it by taking it away. But most children adore friendly (supervised) interactions with adults while out and about.

Your response is revealing, though. So much of this "Don't touch my baby stuff" is projection and to service the mother's ego, and nothing to do with the child's welfare. Some mothers sadly seem to lack the intelligence to understand how much babies and toddlers benefit from (benign, supervised) contact with other people, including strangers. And so they fall back on ludicrous arguments about consent, when what they really mean is "This is all about me".

But if you’re not worried about germs or nefarious intent, what exactly ‘upset’ you OP?

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow everything you said there is spot on. It's so ridiculous to bring issues of consent into this.
There are serious discussions to be had about consent, stop trying to water it down with your pathetic concerns over someone touching a baby's foot or hand 🙄 Jesus.

I'm also not from an older generation, I have a child and am pregnant..I would like it if friendly people weren't afraid to have normal interactions with them. So I disagree with the other poster who said that it highlights a "generational understanding and importance of consent".

most of the new mums I know feel the same and have little signs to hang on the buggy politely asking people not to touch baby

Dear lord, I can only imagine in a few years they'll be cringing at that

@Youarestillintherunning

I would hate it. I wouldn't want a stranger stroking me, so why I want a stranger stroking my child? Whether or not it made him happy is irrelevant, it doesn't give him (or anyone) the right to invade someone else's personal space 🥴 I'm really surprised at the amount of people who say they would be fine with this. I think it also shows a very big difference between generational understanding and importance of consent

This does not represent a world I want to be part of. Shudder.

You are right. People should not be touching anyone else without permission. So many older people think this is okay, but they also think it OK to pat someone's bottom, just being friendly like!

Touchy feely people should keep to people they know who like that sort of thing and leave the rest of us alone.

This does not represent a world I want to be part of. Shudder

I agree. DD(3) spilt some milk in a cafe yesterday. The owner came over to wipe it up, chatted to her, then ruffled her hair. Apparently some people would have found this utterly abhorrent and complained to him. I can't comprehend it and frankly I don't want to be so miserable a person that I would understand it.

The older generation was not brought up with the no-touching rules. I think the man was just showing how much he valued seeing a little child. It's also a cultural thing. When my boys were tiny we were on holiday in Crete and people in restaurants used to pick them up and carry them around the taverna. They were delighted to see the boys. I didn't mind at all. If anything it made us feel welcome. The vast majority of people are good. The fact you are there to keep an eye on your baby means that he won't come to any harm.

Poor man

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Absolutely. I despair for the future of society sometimes.

Yuk

@Mirw

You are right. People should not be touching anyone else without permission. So many older people think this is okay, but they also think it OK to pat someone's bottom, just being friendly like!

Touchy feely people should keep to people they know who like that sort of thing and leave the rest of us alone.

You know it was a baby don’t you?

Also, massive generalisation and pretty ageist.

That poor man. 😞

Pre-covid, I'd say it would probably be okay.

I find a lot of older people tried to touch my baby, especially in the drs 🤦🏼 Both my children were prem and I didn’t want just anyone touching them. I think we live in a different time tho, back in the day (I’m talking when I was a baby not a million years ago) people were always kissing random babies, crossing their palms with coins for luck, squeezing their cheeks. Things are a lot different now to what they were, as another example my mum would put me in the pram outside for a nap in all weathers except for fog, nowadays I wouldn’t take a baby out in rain unless it was essential.

I don't see the harm in someone not wanting a complete stranger touching their baby and why it's such a horrifying thought. Some people don't mind, some do, as long as we're all polite about it there's no harm done.

I suggest you get a large haz mat suit for your baby and maybe a large do not touch sign as well.

It's fine for you not to like it but really, the old man was just being affectionate. Yes people of his generation feel this is normal behaviour. I feel sorry that you told him it's not appropriate - I'm sure in his eyes it was a perfectly natural gesture and it probably made him feel sad to be chastised. I'm sure I'll get shouted down for this but it's how I feel. I remember when my 80 year old mother in law visited my daughter at her nursery. There was a adorable little 1 year old girl there and my MIL instinctively stroked her cheek. I thought at the time that no one of my age would stroke a child's cheek that they didn't know - but I knew it was done with warmth and affection.

And the consent idiots.
I assume you never touch, kiss or cuddle your non verbal babies. They clearly haven’t consented.

Pleased to see that as always on here the vote does not reflect the people shouting the loudest.

Well do you for making an old man feel like utter shite, I bet he is feeling brilliant about his self right now having been embarrassed like that. His wife too. I would love to know what harm you think is going to come to your kid now. Hope you have a lovely evening, I bet he isn’t!!!

@Mirw

You are right. People should not be touching anyone else without permission. So many older people think this is okay, but they also think it OK to pat someone's bottom, just being friendly like!

Touchy feely people should keep to people they know who like that sort of thing and leave the rest of us alone.

You conflate what ops old man did with him being a sex pest, jesus christ.