Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

[summerisler]

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

And as much as I really appreciated these little kind words, often from older women and men who had maybe been there with their own dcs and GCs, they were unlikely to be the village which raised my child...if you mean actual help with childcare or whatever. It would be ludicrous for me to expect that! My kids, my problem really. But I do absolutely love it when people are kind to parents with your DCs. Half the time we get death stares . That isn't because I've told anyone to fuck off away from my dcs. Not ever.

@WitchBaby

Poor old man. You actually approached him afterwards? Madness.

This. I can't imagine how embarrassed and upset this man must have felt after being "chastised" for being kind to a baby.

I let her know (very nicely) that most new mums probably don't want strangers touching their babies

I find this really funny, in a sad sort of way. Imagine telling off your own mother, who managed to gestate, birth and raise you. Now look here mother, this is how you should behave. Embarrassing.

And to disregard things that have clear impact on society is ignorant. It isn't the only factor but it feeds into people's worries. The idea that you can choose entirely what you buy into and what you don't is false.

I don't think it's fair to say this is a generational thing! I'm late 20s, mother to a 1 year old DD, and find the OP bizarre/sad. I can see the point you're making about boundaries etc., but I just cannot IMAGINE acting like this in real life. Poor man must have been so embarrassed...I try to think of the scene and just physically cringe really🙈

@QueenofKattegat

I let her know (very nicely) that most new mums probably don't want strangers touching their babies

I find this really funny, in a sad sort of way. Imagine telling off your own mother, who managed to gestate, birth and raise you. Now look here mother, this is how you should behave. Embarrassing.

Yes and I know what my Mother would say if I tried to preach to her, I'd be told in no uncertain terms where to stuff my sermon

A man just touched my babies leg on the bus. He grabbed it and MOVED it.

I mean his leg was dangling out the buggy and if he hadn't moved it, I'd have trapped it and woke up my sleeping baby so I said a VERY grateful thank you and smiled nicely because well, he stopped me hurting and waking up my kid. Thank God he doesn't read MN eh

@aquarius0126

It always catches me off guard when strangers (always of the older generation in my experience) touch my DS.

DS was born 3 weeks into lockdown, so I expected people to be extra cautious when cafes and shops re-opened, but during our first time out for lunch, an older lady touched his face. I was too taken back to say anything.

Pre-pandemic I witnessed my own mum do this in a shop, she touched a little boys hand and I could see his mums eyes widen. I let her know (very nicely) that most new mums probably don't want strangers touching their babies.

How old were you when she adopted you @aquarius0126?

@SleepingStandingUp I'm not sure what you mean? Have you commented on the wrong post? I didn't mention anything about adoption..

@QueenofKattegat

I let her know (very nicely) that most new mums probably don't want strangers touching their babies

I find this really funny, in a sad sort of way. Imagine telling off your own mother, who managed to gestate, birth and raise you. Now look here mother, this is how you should behave. Embarrassing.

Agreed!!

@aquarius0126 well.. your mum was obviously a new mum at one point.. unless you were adopted.

This thread has really upset me. I woke up thinking about that man and the immense sadness, confusion, upset and possibly shame you might have made him feel.

For admiring your child and for helping you.

I'm sorry, this attitude is entirely selfish, self righteous and pompous. You behaved cruelly to make a point.

I hope that the universe somehow lets this chap know about the swathes of us who think he's lovely. And that this attitude isn't normal. And he isn't the monster you've made him feel.

@QueenofKattegat
I didn't tell her off, I politely said most new mothers don't want strangers touching their baby.
My mum wasn't offended and didn't find it disrespectful - I'm an adult and I made an observation, I wasn't telling her off..
Jeaze....

[quote aquarius0126]@SleepingStandingUp I'm not sure what you mean? Have you commented on the wrong post? I didn't mention anything about adoption..[/quote]
I just assumed from the way you had to explain to your Mom about how Mom's of newborns felt, that she'd never had one.

@Port1aCastis
I was hardly preaching
Some of you must have very formal relationships with your mother if they would take this comment as 'preaching'..

@MeredithGreyishblue

This thread has really upset me. I woke up thinking about that man and the immense sadness, confusion, upset and possibly shame you might have made him feel.

For admiring your child and for helping you.

I'm sorry, this attitude is entirely selfish, self righteous and pompous. You behaved cruelly to make a point.

I hope that the universe somehow lets this chap know about the swathes of us who think he's lovely. And that this attitude isn't normal. And he isn't the monster you've made him feel.

Not all older people are vulnerable and lonely. With a bit of luck, the man that the OP encountered just thinks she's a mardy twat.

It will happen @MeredithGreyishblue I was in an IKEA lift with a lovely old couple this week and they took great pleasure in stroking DCs hands and telling him how pretty he was. They really looked overjoyed and we all let the lift happy 👌. Not everyone is icey.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow pahahaha!

Poor man - retired people have felt more isolated that any other group over the past 2 years. He may have been with his wife, but it may be the only time he has been out all week and he gets told he's offended you by touching your daughter's cheek! Wow.....you are in for a hard life being offended as your children grow up.

I hope you never need the kindness of a stranger - at this rate everyone would be terrified to help anyone else they didn't know.

I hope you called the police

OP how about if the stranger was a child. Would you have confronted the chil/parent about it? I mean I’ve taught my children to ask before they touch dogs, but that’s for rabies and biting reasons not owner possessiveness.

I think you were rude. Yes it’s irritating when strangers touch your baby but it stems from finding the baby cute or adorable. In his day, tickling a baby on the cheek was probably the norm. It’s not like he tried to pick her up! Plus he picked up her dropped toy, touching her face was probably his way of acknowledging her.

It sounds very harsh to say to an elderly person it’s inappropriate to touch the baby!

I used to keep my DC in the carrier when they were under 6 months, people rarely reach into carriers or slings. If someone did touch their face or hands, a smile and a quick wipe with an antibacterial wipe will solve the issue without hurting anyone’s feelings.

I wouldn’t normally let random strangers hold mine, fine to say no but be polite eg ‘she’s just settled but thank you’. At times I’ve welcomed strangers offering to hold the baby eg when trying to lug a buggy up a flight of stairs or fold it to board a bus.

Ah poor man I hope he is ok. He was just being kind too. Sad thing is that brief touch won’t even be remembered by your daughter. But your actions and words will stay with him. I feel genuinely sad for the man.