Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

[summerisler]

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

Jesus Christ on a bike!

What is the world coming to when a friendly/kind gesture is met with a confrontational telling off by a neurotic new mother!

Honestly...get over yourself!

If it's generational then at 50 I'm clearly in the generation that finds this a kind gesture. I'd never touch the face of a baby I didn't know and I'd never ask to pick up any baby (forgotten what to do 18 years after having mine) but then I don't coo over random babies.

When my son was about 1 we took him to Tunisia. He was white blond and he was constantly being kissed on the cheek by the people who worked in the hotel, shops etc. A bride left her wedding photos and crossed the road to kiss him. I honestly didn't mind. I'm a kisser myself though

It always catches me off guard when strangers (always of the older generation in my experience) touch my DS.

DS was born 3 weeks into lockdown, so I expected people to be extra cautious when cafes and shops re-opened, but during our first time out for lunch, an older lady touched his face. I was too taken back to say anything.

Pre-pandemic I witnessed my own mum do this in a shop, she touched a little boys hand and I could see his mums eyes widen. I let her know (very nicely) that most new mums probably don't want strangers touching their babies.

Oh my goodness - that poor old man! Probably thought he was doing something kind - picking up your toddlers toy - and then touched his face as an affectionate gesture. Perhaps your son reminded him of his DC or DGC years ago and younger, happier days,
And then you follow him up on it to say how unacceptable it was and how upset you were?! He must have been mortified to apologise so readily. It's absolutely awful being elderly a lot of the time - I know from dealing with elderly parents - and this sort of thing must really put the tin-lid on it.

It's not like he wrestled a newborn from a sling and munched his face! My DF was a supremely kind man and would definately have picked up your DC's toy and spoken to him. I can imagine him tickling his chin or pretending to steal his nose - but don't worry OP, he died 18 months ago, so that's one insignificant, inappropriate, dangerous old man you don't have to worry about!

@aquarius0126

It always catches me off guard when strangers (always of the older generation in my experience) touch my DS.

DS was born 3 weeks into lockdown, so I expected people to be extra cautious when cafes and shops re-opened, but during our first time out for lunch, an older lady touched his face. I was too taken back to say anything.

Pre-pandemic I witnessed my own mum do this in a shop, she touched a little boys hand and I could see his mums eyes widen. I let her know (very nicely) that most new mums probably don't want strangers touching their babies.

The ops concern is strangely nothing about covid ..🙈

I didn’t like strangers touching my baby either OP. I think it’s some kind of primal, instinctive thing.

That said i wouldn’t have said anything to him as would’ve known he was just trying to be kind - I think telling him off was way over the top and very unkind. I hope he’s ok and not feeling too bad about the whole thing.

The poor man. You probably made him feel like a bloody leper.

I think that sort of thing's lovely and it cheers older people up a lot to interact with babies so I was very happt for them to do it - i do find it sad that people see danger everywhere though I can also sort of understand it.

When our kids were little and we travelled in other countries lots of people paid attention to them (notably Italy, Portugal and South Africa). Stroking their hair or cheek on a bus, picking them up in a cafe (with our permission) and taking showing them to their family working in the yard we were sat next to, that kind of thing, I thought it was all lovely.

At the end of the day, a person is hardly going to abduct/harm your child while right in front of you and I think it's positive for little ones to interact with others.

@Echobelly

I think that sort of thing's lovely and it cheers older people up a lot to interact with babies so I was very happt for them to do it - i do find it sad that people see danger everywhere though I can also sort of understand it.

When our kids were little and we travelled in other countries lots of people paid attention to them (notably Italy, Portugal and South Africa). Stroking their hair or cheek on a bus, picking them up in a cafe (with our permission) and taking showing them to their family working in the yard we were sat next to, that kind of thing, I thought it was all lovely.

At the end of the day, a person is hardly going to abduct/harm your child while right in front of you and I think it's positive for little ones to interact with others.

MN: "Why don't people in the UK welcome children, the way they do in Italy?'

Also MN: "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY BABY?"

If this generation of mothers wants to live in a bubble, go ahead. But then don't moan about how isolated you are and how it 'takes a village', when you've just told the village to fuck off.

That’s actually a very salient point, @MissLucyEyelesbarrow

I wasn't a huge fan of this at first but then I realised it was lovely for DS to grow up feeling the world was full of lovely and kind people.

When the pandemic came along suddenly everyone stopped paying h attention and I was so sad for him so when it happens now I love it!

I feel bad for the old man, he must feel awful!

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow - totally agree!

We are fed terrible news via our phones every day, the neuroticism isn't entirely our fault.

My late dad would've done this. In fact I was in a cafe with him when he walked past a toddler in a high chair and smiled and briefly rested his hand gently on his head. My dad adored children and he was wonderful with them. I did think 'blimey Dad!' - and this was several years ago - as it's not something I'd do to a child I didn't know but it was a gesture which came from genuinely loving children. My late parents fostered babies so took real pleasure from seeing and interacting with young children. I get where the OP is coming from but I do think it's a generational thing probably and it's meant with affection and appreciation.

@flibberyjibbery8 - the unkindness is.

The self-centredness of this generation is mind-blowing. It’s all ME ME ME and no one else matters.

The OP doesn’t care if she hurt this old man or not. He ‘disrespected’ her and she ‘told him’. She feels OK about that. This is what we’ve become, it’s what we’ve created. A whole generation who think about no one but themselves. It’s just awful.

@flibberyjibbery8

We are fed terrible news via our phones every day, the neuroticism isn't entirely our fault.

You choose what to engage with in regards to your phone. If social media etc make you so anxious then don’t use it. Some people are naturally more anxious than others and we are all a product of our environment but to say our behaviours aren’t ‘our fault’ is dodgy ground in my opinion.

I agree with @MissLucyEyelesbarrow, babies need to interact with people, I have been that stranger in a cafe, (actually it was a pub ) the family next to us suddenly had a perfect storm of one child needing to be taken to the loo, another had a bit of melt down in the high chair and the fairly newborn started wailing just as the food arrived - I offered to hold the baby while peace was restored and kept her happy until the parents had finished their meal, a win all round! parents had hot food and time to help the toddlers eat, I had a lovely cuddle with a lovely smelling baby, baby got to meet someone new, and the rest of the pub enjoyed a quiet meal, whats to worry about?

I think being a bit neurotic as a new mum is common and it manifests itself in different ways for different people. For example, I wouldn't have liked the cheek punching or stroking, but would be delighted if someone who looked like a nice, normal person or a parent themselves said they'd hold my baby for me. For others it's the other way round.

But you don't visit your own neurosis on other people, unless you have totally lost control. It's ok to have occasional, irrational and over protective feelings about your baby and probably quite common in the early fays. But you have to accept that they ARE irrational and therefore you don't get to dictate to other people how to interact with your DC, based on these feelings.

Pinching* not punching!

If this generation of mothers wants to live in a bubble, go ahead. But then don't moan about how isolated you are and how it 'takes a village', when you've just told the village to fuck off.

This is perfectly put.

MN: "Why don't people in the UK welcome children, the way they do in Italy?'

Also MN: "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY BABY?"

If this generation of mothers wants to live in a bubble, go ahead. But then don't moan about how isolated you are and how it 'takes a village', when you've just told the village to fuck off

Agree...it's like the endless posts from new mums who don't want anyone to visit their new baby, who don't want to tell anyone when the baby has even been born, who don't want any eventual visitors to hold their baby and blah blah blah. Just so unbearably precious and tedious

@YouDoYouBoo

I think being a bit neurotic as a new mum is common and it manifests itself in different ways for different people. For example, I wouldn't have liked the cheek punching or stroking, but would be delighted if someone who looked like a nice, normal person or a parent themselves said they'd hold my baby for me. For others it's the other way round.

But you don't visit your own neurosis on other people, unless you have totally lost control. It's ok to have occasional, irrational and over protective feelings about your baby and probably quite common in the early fays. But you have to accept that they ARE irrational and therefore you don't get to dictate to other people how to interact with your DC, based on these feelings.

Also, I'm not British! It isn't weird to think you don't like the touching. It is pretty weird to actually say it though. In my case, I accept it is a 'me problem' and well meant.

I feel so sorry for the man. People have stroked babies' faces since time immemorial. My DS was a very pretty baby and toddler and this could happen several times on a shopping trip. This preciousness must be a relatively new thing. I thought this was going to be a PFB thread about a newborn, but it's a second toddler. How very dare he touch your child!

If this generation of mothers wants to live in a bubble, go ahead. But then don't moan about how isolated you are and how it 'takes a village', when you've just told the village to fuck off

Nice wording - very witty, genuinely! But giving it some thought, the mums who do live in a bubble aren't the ones telling people to fuck off IME. There was another thread on here where a mum was complaining that an older woman had started a conversation with her and her baby in a doctor's waiting room. It was quite weird. But she had loads of RL support, so she wasn't starved o conversation. I genuinely had no help other than DH when mine were small and these little chats with strangers really brightened my day. No I didn't like it if that stranger then pinched my baby's cheek (not that they ever did tbh...there was the occasional cheek stroke). But I just accepted that was a me problem and certainly wouldn't have reprimanded anyone for it. I've definitely found even when I've tried to be friendly to other mums when I've got a baby the same age, some of them look at me as if I have two heads and then their whole extended family turns up and I'm like "ah, not in the market for chat because you've got such a big support network". So, I'd be careful with the intergenerational blame game. Some mums of this generation are isolated for reasons other than being unfriendly.