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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have severe doubts about 'Help Me Love My Baby'

97 replies

onebatmother · 03/12/2007 22:07

moving, yes. Without question, a great thing for women who are suffering severe pnd to know that there are others out there.

But for the babies concerned?

They can't consent. And how will they respond, in future years, to this potentially devastating record of their early years?

Will the mother also have regrets.?

I understand that the taboo must be broken. But perhaps the price is too high?

OP posts:
ScottishMummyFurtlingWithSanta · 03/12/2007 23:00

yep talk, talk, talk and talk a wee bit more, let it out. don't suffer PND is treatable
illness

UniversallyChallenged · 03/12/2007 23:10

It was a great programme and I reckon if the baby did ever see it when old enough would realise what her mum went through to make her feel loved. Brave lady, wonder if she's a netter? Probably not as am sure i saw a Fruitshoot bottle in one scene

Original poster
onebatmother · 03/12/2007 23:11

lol uc

OP posts:
WhenScoobyGotStuckUpTheChimney · 03/12/2007 23:13

Next week it is twins the mother loves one but not the other

Original poster
onebatmother · 03/12/2007 23:14

what did you think of the scene where Zoe left Izzie on her own in a room with a one-way mirror?

would that have been done in 'real' therapy situation? Not sure.

it made me uncomfortable, and seemed to risk Zoe's new strong relationship iwth izzie I thought, by making her feel a failure (showed damage had been done) at a point when things were going much better.

OP posts:
UniversallyChallenged · 04/12/2007 00:06

yes onebat that was a sad bit i thought too.

i suppose it was to show Izzie's behaviour as it will be bound to happen in the future and maybe Zoe wouldnt know why and the therapist showed Zoe how to handle it. I couldnt understand at first why Izzie just fell down and laid on her back after being reunited with her mum until we saw the scene where she had been laid on her back for so long when she was tiny that she just reverted to that . Amazing what baby's brains remember.

Piffle · 04/12/2007 11:20

link to article about next weeks twins mother

Wow all this down to their own mothers

Thanks god I've dealt with my mum mentally and emotionally.
The feelings of rage and hostility I've had at my kids have been a millisecond long, due to the fact that I know beyond words and belief that I am a better mother because of what I've dealt with from my mother.

I do go wrong sometimes, I get angry for stupid reasons, can be intolerant and snappy
I have the support and love of a lovely man - and my mum bless her, has said how much of a better mother I am than her. And then told me about her mum and her mum before

It is good to break a cycle like that

zoena · 04/12/2007 17:17

ps i have no regrets what so ever as if i hadnt done it my lo would of ended up an emotional wreck (ie like me) and i would probably be dead! xxx

VictorianSqualor · 04/12/2007 17:26

I didn't see it but suffered terribly with pnd when DD was born, I couldn't bring myself to touch her in SCBU and didn't really want to be around her. I ended up in hospital with kidney failure after an OD when she was 6months old, I'm not sure if I would want her to see a program documenting what happened but I have already decided I will be entirely honest with her in the hope that if she ever goes through it she'll know it is (unfortunately) common.

pooka · 04/12/2007 17:27

Is that really you?
If so, then I would like to applaud your bravery in addressing the problems you had, and on TV. Good luck for the future.

zoena · 04/12/2007 17:29

sorry for some reason it didnt list my other post , i am zoe hicks and just wanted to say thanks for all your mostly positive replies i am glad i did the programme as it broke the cycle that may have been going on in my family for generations, i hope when i show it to my los they will understand and be proud of there mum for getting much needed help and hopefully if they ever feel down or depressed that i am the first person they will come to ! what is it about the fruit shoot bottle anyway it had water in it as i had left her normal cup at home xx if anyone has any questions please feel free to ask me xxx

zoena · 04/12/2007 17:32

yeah it is really me!! i spend more time really on bounty but have been a member on here for about three months i wanted to say too that after the strange situation test i lost the plot and told them i was disgusted they had put me and iz through that and they all agreed and the other lady wasnt made to do it xxx

didoreth · 04/12/2007 17:48

Hi Zoe, I think you are really brave too, both for facing up to and dealing with your problems, and agreeing to the TV show, which I thought was both very moving and educational. And I thought Izzie was absolutely adorable!

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 04/12/2007 18:08

i haven't seen your show, zoe, but if you're a twentieth as brave as the lady in the next episode (and it very much sounds like you are very brave indeed) then you have done a great thing for you, your daughter, and for so many other women and children who may have been destined to suffer otherwise. well bloody done.

andiemisletoe · 04/12/2007 18:10

zoe I would just like to say I was really moved by your experience and your willingness to discuss it openly. The fact that you have done it will I am sure help lots of mothers to realise that what they are going through is treatable
your girls are lovely too
ignore the fruit shoot comment it is a mn old chestnut that people like to bring up to judge others by

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 04/12/2007 18:13

the fruit shoot thing is a standing MN joke about manufacturers who pretend their product is good for you by putting the word 'fruit' in front of it, that's all. like 92% fat free... er, you mean 8% fat, don't you? etc etc.

mrsruffallo · 04/12/2007 18:26

Zoe, watching your programme really made me think about my own parents and the way my childhoood has affected the type of mother I am. Do you think this was the main cause of your PND or was it the birth experience itself?

zoena · 04/12/2007 18:44

having no attachment to my own mother def was the biggest issue in my own ability to do it for my own, she was violent alot and played with my mind mentally, although my sister had the same experiences with her and did have pnd with two of her four children but no where near as bad as mine and managed it very well. it was izzys vulnerability that terrified me as i had become self sufficient from a young age, the bit where you see me talking about my parents divorce i was actually still in contact with my mother so it was extremely hard, i did have mild pnd with my first duaghter but because i had a normal pregnancy and she was term and healthy in my head it was like it went how i wanted it and she didnt desperately need me other than for food and comfort although once i began to get close to izzy i began to realize that i had kept xara at arms length to stop her wanting or needing me and about 8 of my sessions where spent dealing with that and i am glad to say we have a very close bond now xx

zoena · 04/12/2007 18:59

hi i would also like to say i understand the debate about izzy not being able to consent but at the end of the day she didnt consent to being disliked either so what was worse me and my partner making a decision that has changed our lives and now she will grow up a happy well balanced child who knows her mommy loves her or me going on tablets and being numbed out and still not loving her? in my area there is no avenue for therapy for parent and child that is why they chose me to also say it should be offered more readily to those who want it, i have no issue with anti ds each to there own i just know that it would not have dealt with my demons from the past which where inadvertantly making me distant from my child xxx

Tamum · 04/12/2007 19:03

zoena, I just posted on your other thread, but I just wanted to say that although I am a bit wary about Channel 4 using babies in documentaries in this way I think yours was a completely different type of program from, say, Bringing up Baby. I think if Izzy sees the program in years to come she will really see that you had her best interests at heart.

agnesnitt · 04/12/2007 19:05

PND is a vile thing to have to deal with alone. For those who have no family or friends to support them might I suggest:

www.pndsupport.co.uk/index.htm

Agnes

CrushWithEyeliner · 04/12/2007 19:13

Zoena I think you are very brave and I am so happy things have worked out for you.

May I ask how you came to be televised? Did the production team approach you whilst already in treatment?

zoena · 04/12/2007 19:32

no i got diagnosed with depression on 28t august 06 and went on the pnd forum on bounty that evening and a woman put a link to a post the tv company had put in asking for woman with children under 11 months who were having bonding issues to contact them, i really believe it was fate to be honest thats why i dont now where me or iz would be now . tv crew approached amanda and she said she would only do it if the therapy went on for at least a year she was just as nervous as me i think! it took a year of planning before they even put that post on bounty and then i had a phone chat with a researcher and amanda rang me then a month later they asked me to go down for a one off session to see just what my situ was and if she could help me (that is the one you see where i say she didnt feel like part of me xx)

RubySlippers · 04/12/2007 19:35

i watched the programme - you are a brave woman.

i though the programme was very "unsensational" and sensitively handled. You seemed to get on well with your therapist as well which must have helped enormously

do you mind if i ask how you are doing now?

zoena · 04/12/2007 19:41

hi i dont mind at all i had a fantastic relationship with amanda although when i was letting go of my own mother i began clinging to her instead ! i am great now i still sometimes go into the 'zone' in my head but it is few and far between and i deal with it i think depression is a long standing ilness but you can be taught how to control and understand how and why your mind works the way it does x me izzy and xara have a great time together and i love them both to pieces i did radio five live monday morning and they asked how i was now and i said i just feel like a normal mum and that is all i ever wanted! xx