AIBU She/Her

[beewritesx]

My sister is a big advocate of trans rights and says that pronouns in bio is a way of showing inclusion and support of the trans community.

I was quite surprised to receive a professional email from my ex boss with She/Her listed next to her email address (as I know this person and their gender).

I believe people should have the right to identify as they choose. If somebody asked me to call them X, I will as it's respectful. I also believe that if somebody is aged over 18 and decides to transition or change their gender identity they should do so with no persecution whatsoever.

However, pronouns in bio is just something I don't understand and cannot get on board with. If I'm ever in a professional position it's not something I would want to consider. I can't explain why. I just don't.

AIBU or too "traditional" (like my younger sister would probably argue) or does anyone feel the same? I can't give a rational explanation as to why I wouldn't, I just don't want to.

And then the same goes for people who think they’re so important, but only for certain people.

Well at least those people seem to be owning it. They're not obsessively interrogating people to see if they agree and then claiming it isn't a big deal.

@DrSbaitso

And then the same goes for people who think they’re so important, but only for certain people.

Well at least those people seem to be owning it. They're not obsessively interrogating people to see if they agree and then claiming it isn't a big deal.

Bold of you to complain of others ‘obsessively interrogating’ when you asked me the same question about a fake scenario for several posts.

A better comparison is if your colleague’s name was Catherine and they preferred to be called Cat. Might be a bit annoying for you to get used to but surely you wouldn’t mind?

That's not a valid comparison. A closer comparison is if someone decides to use my job title on emails instead of their own because they just feel my job title suits them better.

And then pushes to have some pretty major parts of the job removed from the job description because they will never be able to do them and that makes them uncomfortable in the new title (but they are still sure it is the right title, it's the job that's wrongly defined).

But those bits of the job still need to be done so I end up doing them anyway, I just don't get training or support any more because it's not in my job description.

When I complain about that change I am lambasted for not supporting the newcomer in their role, despite the fact they never passed any assessment for the job, are incapable of some key elements and have no experience doing it other than they just decided to appropriate the title.

After a while the new definition of my job becomes the common one. I feel uncomfortable putting my own, original job title in my email because it doesn't represent my job any more.

I'd look for another one, but it seems my job now has no name so how do I even find the vacancy I should apply for?

Either someone is male/female and uses a name appropriate to their gender so you get it “right” because it’s bleedin’ obvious or they make efforts to appear as the opposite gender by using an opposite gendered name, clothing, hairstyle and whatever else and you can take an educated guess they’d like to be referred to as opposite gender pronouns and ask them or they make no effort at all therefore deserve no such courtesy.

I work in an office where it’s gaining popularity to put she/her and he/him on emails. Luckily it’s voluntary. I won’t be doing it, namely because the whole thing is a load of bollocks.

The way I see it, it costs me nothing to put my pronouns in an email

It costs you the respect of many people around you. Most of whom wouldn't dream of saying anything to you face.

I'm on the fence. I don't see the need to know people's identity in an email so it wouldn't come naturally to me to do it, but it doesn't bother me when people do it. If I later learn that people who are non binory etc would prefer I did it, then I would not hesitate. But I can't tell if they are actually asking for it or if it's a CIS concocted idea.

(Sorry if CIS offends - I mean no harm to anyone)

Bold of you to complain of others ‘obsessively interrogating’ when you asked me the same question about a fake scenario for several posts.

I was trying to work out what the frig you were actually saying, because it continued to make no sense even after I attempted to clarify. Anna is a she and doesn't want to be a he, so how will I know she's a she. Absolutely nonsensical. I actually wondered if you were on a wind up!

It can be really helpful working in international companies where you correspond with people you rarely see.

Some names a British person wouldn't recognise as male or female. Some names we recognise as female are male in other cultures and vice versa (e.g. Nicola is a man's name in Italy).

It can save a lot of embarrassment. "I emailed Nicola last week and she confirmed..."

It’s unbelievably performative and encourages stereotyping, like so much of the pro-trans agenda

@wednesdayweather

This is important though. Many of us objecting take issue with the very idea of "performing our gender". I am not performing female. I am a female, due to biology, which is immutable. Everything else is personality. Or regressive stereotypes. Which I won't be supporting

This!

I agree WTF

I find it annoying and attention seeking. Why a big deal needs to be made I don’t know! It draws unnecessary attention to something that shouldn’t be an issue. I feel the same about gay pride. Sorry if I offend anyone but it’s my opinion! I have no issue with anyones sex or gender or sexual preferences btw just find some things a bit OTT.

Maybe what we should be doing is adopting gender neutral emails, gender neutral "professional" names such as Sam and tell everyone our preferred pronouns are he/his

Maybe then we might actually get taken seriously

I have seen it on LinkedIn quite a lot recently. I don't like the way they use it there because it is shown right next to people's names wherever they appear and gets in the way of other more useful info like how you are connected or titles. I find it distracting. And also having experienced sexism in the workplace it's not something I want paraded across the top of my professional profile. It is so much more of a loaded statement for women than men. I'm not happy that I feel this way but I have been shaped by my environment I guess. Like you op I can't really describe why but I would feel uncomfortable having this info highlighted.

Like you op I can't really describe why but I would feel uncomfortable having this info highlighted.

I feel uncomfortable because the she/her that is meant in the context of preferred pronouns is not the same she/her that I use. My she/her means "I have a female body". Preferred she/her says "I have a womanly essence". Very different thing and not something I feel comfortable or indeed even truthful saying. For that reason, despite being female I cannot say my "preferred" pronouns are she/her.

One of my friends has added her pronouns on LinkedIn. Her husband has done the same. And they met at Harvard. They’re both highly intelligent people.
Not quite sure what critical thinking has gone into that at all.
I’ve lost a bit of respect for her, actually.

By the way I’ve decided that if ever my firm forces the use of pronouns in emails, I am categorically going to write he/him. I’d have liked to have been born a, dare I say it, white, neuro-normal, heterosexual male. After all, in terms of privilege, that’s livin’ the dream, innit.

@DeborahAnnabel

By the way I’ve decided that if ever my firm forces the use of pronouns in emails, I am categorically going to write he/him. I’d have liked to have been born a, dare I say it, white, neuro-normal, heterosexual male. After all, in terms of privilege, that’s livin’ the dream, innit.

Absolutely.

It's one thing to use pronouns that simply refer to your sex. It's quite another to actively choose ones that come laden with all the cultural baggage of womanhood.

So if we are moving from sex-based to free choice, I'll have the ones with the privilege thank you.

I wouldn't do it but it's an individual choice

As for people saying, "look how differently female employees are treated by clients when they know what sex they are" that's shit but a different issue. It's pretty fucking obvious I'm female - or will be assumed to be female - if my name's Lucinda or Jane, and the vast majority of people have names associated with a particular gender.

Isn't the issue, as I seem to recall reading, that reminding people you're female increases the risk of discrimination. So an objection is that having She/Her in you email or introducing yourself as having those pronouns is actively reminding everyone around you that you are a woman, so they view you more as a woman and less as just a person.

Blibbyblobby You nailed it, thank you. That's exactly how I feel.

@GrolliffetheDragon

As for people saying, "look how differently female employees are treated by clients when they know what sex they are" that's shit but a different issue. It's pretty fucking obvious I'm female - or will be assumed to be female - if my name's Lucinda or Jane, and the vast majority of people have names associated with a particular gender.

Isn't the issue, as I seem to recall reading, that reminding people you're female increases the risk of discrimination. So an objection is that having She/Her in you email or introducing yourself as having those pronouns is actively reminding everyone around you that you are a woman, so they view you more as a woman and less as just a person.

‘Oh yeah, Lucinda’s a woman, isn’t she? I'd completely forgotten until she actively reminded me via her specifying her pronouns in an email. Take her off the Anderson account and get her to make some cupcakes instead’.

Happens every day.

@thegcatsmother

Blibbyblobby You nailed it, thank you. That's exactly how I feel.

yup great post @Blibbyblobby

so can nobody explain what "performing my gender" is please?