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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 09/09/2021 12:39

But taking finances out of the equation, I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't make that commitment to me. Or maybe I'm just old fashioned.

lassingd · 09/09/2021 12:40

Rereading the OP, the concerning bit is '“he can’t give me the wedding I want”. This is clearly misleading, and the failure to be honest doesn't bode well.

If he had said, "I am willing to have a baby, but want to keep finances separate so don't want to get married, and if this isn't suitable, let's not have kids" maybe that's a different story, to making up clearly murky excuses

Coffeepot72 · 09/09/2021 12:40

OP, does he want more children? If he does, you have one bargaining chip left ......

Newkitchen123 · 09/09/2021 12:41

@WaterBottle123

As the higher earner I would advise you not to risk marriage. It really has no advantages for women unless they are SAHMS.

Married women are less happy than single ones according to research

I was the higher earner I was not a sahm I was married My husband died Being married made the finances much easier, no inheritance tax to pay. Even down to the car insurance which was in his name, I didn't have to start again with the no claims etc. Think this was a gesture of good will but still it was something I didn't have to think about.
Fluffycloudland77 · 09/09/2021 12:41

I’d make a will if I was you to leave your half the house to your child in a trust, if you die and he gets it and marries your ds might well get nothing.

But yes, if they want to marry you their pretty keen to get it done. Maybe he’s one of those men waiting for the 21yo supermodel to come along & decide he’s the one for them 🙄

QueenBee52 · 09/09/2021 12:41

You gave the Child HIS Surname didn't you 🙄

UnpropitiousNightmares · 09/09/2021 12:42

OP, if I was in your position I'd take legal advice (sooner rather than later) with the intention of drawing up a 'Cohabitation Agreement' setting out what's to happen should your relationship come to an end.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 09/09/2021 12:49

Married women are less happy than single ones according to research
This is superficially true but misleading and not all that relevant when discussing being married Vs being partnered but unmarried

Married or partnered women on average have lower scores on happiness than single women. Women in good marriages or partnerships have higher scores on happiness than single women. Women in bad marriages or partnerships have lower scores.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/09/2021 12:51

You are in a much better position than lots of unmarried women on here. You own half house and have decent job. There’s a good guide to difference between marriage and cohabitation on CAB website.
It’s not about proposals and fancy weddings it’s about practicalities.

NorthernSoul55 · 09/09/2021 12:51

Can i ask what the issue is with whose surname a child has? If both parents registered the birth then its immaterial what surname the child has.
For clarity, unmarried, nearly 40 years together, 2 adult children who have partners surname.

colouringindoors · 09/09/2021 12:52

No, she hasn't, but in all the many other threads like these, the DC has the man's surname.

Would be delighted if that wasn't the case here!

RealBecca · 09/09/2021 12:54

Do you want a wedding or a marriage?

If its the latter you could put it in practical terms of wanting to do it for the financial benefits and want to go to the registry office. Less than £250 to do with 2 witnesses and lunch after.

If he finds weak reasons not to do it then you know he's palming you off amd you need a proper chat. But before you have the talk you need to know if youre willing to walk away.

QueenBee52 · 09/09/2021 12:54

@colouringindoors

No, she hasn't, but in all the many other threads like these, the DC has the man's surname.

Would be delighted if that wasn't the case here!

Glad to hear this ...

MyPatronusIsACat · 09/09/2021 12:56

@WaterBottle123

As the higher earner I would advise you not to risk marriage. It really has no advantages for women unless they are SAHMS.

Married women are less happy than single ones according to research

I don't know what 'research' this is, but all the women I know who are single or divorced, are not happy. They struggle to make ends meet, and fight for extra hours at work, (or have to take on a second job,) because they're brassick. (Not widows, but many single and divorced women...)

My DH works 30 hours a week (worked 40 hours a week for 36-37 years til he was in his mid 50s, then dropped to 30 hours a week - for reasons I won't go into.)

About 2 years ago, some 12 months after he dropped his hours to 30 a week, he overheard a conversation between three women at work - all 35 to 45, and all single (one divorced, 2 never married.) They were discussing how he can afford to buy a car that was only 3 years old, and how he can afford to work only 30 hours a week. And wondering how we managed to afford a trip to Canada (we went in early 2019.) They couldn't understand it as they were always broke, and they worked 42-45 hours a week.

None of their business! But it's not rocket science is it? He is married (to me) and we have 2 incomes. They had virtually the same outgoings as us, but only (roughly) half the money coming in...

Unless a woman is a very good earner (and most are not, despite some of the wild claims on mumsnet,) she is going to have a constant battle to make ends meet, compared to a woman who is married/in a relationship.

So as I said, I don't believe that the majority of single women are happier than married women/women in a relationship... Apart from the 'less income' factor, you see 10s of 1000s of women on dating sites all the time, desperately trying to find someone. Most women are happier in a relationship. And most women are happier - and more secure -when they're married. (IMO and IME.) Yeah I know we get some 'my man is shit' threads on here, but people don't usually post when there are no problems/issues...

I know I sound like a smug-married as some people say, but I love being married, and would never have stayed with DH if he had refused to get married. And I most certainly would never have had children with him.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2021 12:56

Married or partnered women on average have lower scores on happiness than single women. Women in good marriages or partnerships have higher scores on happiness than single women. Women in bad marriages or partnerships have lower scores.

This is probably pretty accurate. But the chances are that marrying someone who is doing so under duress because his OH is threatening him is not going to end well.

If he can't bring himself to get married to a woman he has a joint mortgage and a kid with when he knows she wants to, he's not a good prospect. Instead of urging the OP to give him an ultimatum or go to counselling with him to bring him around or whatever, surely the best course of action would be to leave him and join the group of single women who are more happy than the miserable married women.

MyPatronusIsACat · 09/09/2021 12:59

@NorthernSoul55

Can i ask what the issue is with whose surname a child has? If both parents registered the birth then its immaterial what surname the child has. For clarity, unmarried, nearly 40 years together, 2 adult children who have partners surname.
Why? Why do your children have your partner's surname?

Why do the vast majority of unmarried women give their children their partner's surname?

A secret hope/wish that their man will eventually marry them?

It's so odd. Especially as, in the vast majority of cases, the children stay with their mother when the relationship with their father breaks down...

thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2021 13:01

So as I said, I don't believe that the majority of single women are happier than married women/women in a relationship... Apart from the 'less income' factor, you see 10s of 1000s of women on dating sites all the time, desperately trying to find someone. Most women are happier in a relationship. And most women are happier - and more secure -when they're married. (IMO and IME.) Yeah I know we get some 'my man is shit' threads on here, but people don't usually post when there are no problems/issues.

This is all anecdotal but I would dispute that. On a personal level I'm far happier single than I was married and I know lots of friends who feel the same. I don't think women are intrinsically happier in relationships, they are relentlessly told by society that they have no value unless they are in relationships and they measure themselves against that.

But that's by the by: the bottom line is that being married to someone who has married you under pressure because you nagged, bullied and threatened them is not going be a happy scenario.

A happy marriage may be preferable to that. But being single is certainly preferable to being married to a bloke who has fobbed her off for years and who finally caved in to avoid having his kids taken away.

Pipsquiggle · 09/09/2021 13:04

I think you need to have a proper & frank talk with him about why he isn't keen.

He claims it's because 'he can't give you the wedding you want' yet you sound like you would be happy with a £50 registry office affair.

Is it marriage itself? Would he prefer a civil partnership.

As other posters have said - you need to get the legal stuff locked down. I do know a couple who have children who are vehemently against marriage but are totally sorted legally.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/09/2021 13:04

northernsoul I personally wouldn’t have wanted a different surname to my child. It can cause questions travelling abroad. Mum is usually primary carer and if they split often regret having different name to child.
Obviously surname irrelevant in terms of parental responsibility as a dad named on birth certificate gets it automatically now. If your children are adult now their dad will only have had parental responsibility if he applied to court having his surname doesn’t confer any rights.

NorthernSoul55 · 09/09/2021 13:06

My kids have partners surname because I go through life having to spell mine every time ( uncommon name) where as partners is common and never has to be spelled out... So purely practical.
We never planned or wanted to marry, so it wasn't in the hope of a future marriage!

KeepPortlandWeird · 09/09/2021 13:08

I read yonks ago on here AF or SGB or someone from the old skool crowd, to

‘Listen when a man speaks his mind to you, he’s telling you what he feels’.

Your partner doesn’t want to marry you.

To find out the reason why, don’t ask him as you won’t get the answer you want to hear, make an appointment with a solicitor to instead get your joint financial responsibilities (house and child) in order. When your partner is sat down listening to the legal protection a marriage offers over cohabiting, he might decide it’s a practical option.

The romance side, well, hopefully he’ll get that bit one day.

JSL52 · 09/09/2021 13:08

Propose to him ? If he says no you need to decide if it's a deal breaker

NorthernSoul55 · 09/09/2021 13:12

Dixiechick, we knew about the PR issue and always took copies of birth certs when travelling (both of us were on the certificates). We found there's ways around everything except inheritance tax which will never apply to us in any case, and maybe some pensions though we could both nominate each other.
Many women have different names to their children... Unmarried, second marriages, married but not taking husbands name...

BrilloPaddy · 09/09/2021 13:12

If he hasn't asked in 7 years, it's a fair assumption that he isn't going to.

Your choice is to stay or leave if marriage is that important to you.

GreekGod · 09/09/2021 13:14

Ask him to marry you. if he says no, then you have to leave and as marriage is so important to you find someone else to marry you

Otherwise this will destroy you - its an awful thing to carry around with you and soul destroying if you have been with someone for 7 years and they don't want to marry you. you deserve better