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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 09/09/2021 13:14

I 🙄 at these princes who insist the children have their surname cos tradition innit but refuse to get married…

Lonelylooloo · 09/09/2021 13:15

Oh OP this sucks and no it’s unfortunately not uncommon on here. At least the house is in both your names and you work so you’ve not left yourself totally screwed Star

Women seem to have this ludicrous idea that if they just give men everything they want and wait patiently like a good girl then one day their partner will drop down to one knee and propose.

It’s rare it happens that way, usually the main power women have to get what they want from a relationship is in the early days, definitely pre kids. If you want to get married that is the time to make it happen x

JustAnother0ldMan · 09/09/2021 13:16

Have you asked him to marry you ?
Did he say no ?,
if so what reasons were ?

DrSbaitso · 09/09/2021 13:16

Women seem to have this ludicrous idea that if they just give men everything they want and wait patiently like a good girl then one day their partner will drop down to one knee and propose. It’s rare it happens that way, usually the main power women have to get what they want from a relationship is in the early days, definitely pre kids.

I wish this wasn't true, but I really think it is.

Nancydrawn · 09/09/2021 13:26

The power women have to get what they want?! That's a sad and unhealthy way of looking at a relationship: a manipulative power struggle where women have limited and expiring currency.

RussianSpy101 · 09/09/2021 13:26

Was this not discussed before you discussed having a child?
YANBU for wanting to be married

vickyp0llard · 09/09/2021 13:27

Why did you not mention it sooner? After 7 years, a house and a baby, what's the incentive if he didn't want to do it earlier?

Surely this is a conversation you have early on to see if you're on the same page, rather than waiting and hinting for years on end. I said to my partner within the first few months that marriage was important to me, and if we weren't engaged within 4 years I'd be off. He agreed and we were engaged within 2. If he ummed and ahhed and gave some lame excuses, that would have been the end really.

MLMbotsno · 09/09/2021 13:29

I don't know what 'research' this is, but all the women I know who are single or divorced, are not happy. They struggle to make ends meet, and fight for extra hours at work, (or have to take on a second job,) because they're brassick. (Not widows, but many single and divorced women...)

I agree to a point. My single friends in the main are always looking for a partner apart from the much older ones who didn't find one and then decided not to look after years of not finding someone suitable for them. Most of them are really unhappy being single.

I'm single as in I live with children alone but am dating the same man who lives elsewhere and we are totally separate for finances etc we just date, committed no others etc, split and I'm happy. But then I tick a single box but for market research etc since I live without a partner in my home. I'm therefore a single that's happy but I'm not really single.

Warbling on but many people are sociable in nature and therefore seek out others or partners so those would probably be unhappy single.

Back to @anonnancy ask him what is he worried about if you get married. Tell him how you feel and good luck if it's what you want.

dottydodah · 09/09/2021 13:31

I think that for whatever reason .he is not keen on marrying you .I think a clear and honest conversation is needed here TBH. It can seem as though all your friends are getting engaged or married and you arent .However they may just as likely get divorced as well! Like many men today ,he seems to want his cake and eat it! .If either of you died then the other one would not be next of kin .Does he know this I wonder? I would also let him know that a nice small wedding in Church /Reg office is fine .it doesnt have to be on a par with Celebrities! Maybe he feels that he wouldnt be able to afford a big "do" .Would your parents help with costs at all? That may reassure him a bit perhaps

Thatsjustwhatithink · 09/09/2021 13:33

You aren't needy or spoilt.

But you can either ask him to marry you or accept he's not going to ask you. You cannot force a proposal or marriage.

Then decide if you want to stay or leave.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/09/2021 13:39

You need to have a proper conversation with him.

Why do you want to marry now? If it’s just for legal like lots have said on here many things can be dealt with by wills, nominating for death in service/pension etc.

If he believes you are as good as married he might not realise implications or mess he’d potentially leave you in if he died. Daily mail link but things to think about.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7334313/I-never-felt-marriage-important-day-Paolo-died.html?ito=email_share_article-top

EIIa · 09/09/2021 13:40

OP there’s not much you can do now unfortunately. Generally men do what they want. If he wanted to marry... he’d make it happen. There was a similar post yesterday from somebody who had been cohabiting for 28 years!

I got pregnant unexpectedly
My bf didn’t mind if we got married before or after the baby

I Insisted on before even though it meant we had to elope.
I’m a realist and many men just don’t make the effort once the baby’s here
Plus I wanted him to be very clearly NOK if anything happened to me while pregnant

dottydodah · 09/09/2021 13:42

I Dont see how proposing to him would work .He is obv reluctant to marry ,so if OP puts him on the spot what would that do? How the RL is ow ,how they get on and so forth would be most helpful to know .If there are probs then they wont get better just because you share a surname and wear a ring!

peaceanddove · 09/09/2021 13:51

Sadly, it isn't that he doesn't want to get married. It's that he doesn't want to get married. I've known so many long term couples where the bloke wasn't interested in marriage. Only for the couple to eventually split and within a year or two, the bloke is happily married elsewhere.

If your OP genuinely doesn't see the point in getting married, he should still be fine to get married if it makes you happy, surely?

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 09/09/2021 13:53

I also think that the suggestions of her proposing are a bit daft. What functional difference is there between her asking him to propose and her proposing herself? If the answer to the first was no then the answer to the second is hardly likely to be any different. She may not have got down on one knee, but for all practical purposes she has proposed to him. And he's said no.

As for surnames, I can see why unmarried women give the kids their partners name. When I was pregnant with my first it just felt like the "right" thing to do. I didnt really think much about it. Besides, the pregnancy was unplanned and I wanted him to feel the same "connection" to the baby that I did. I also assumed that we would get married and all have the same surname at some point. Basically I think it was a heady mixture of pregnancy hormones, naivety, and patriarchal conditioning/female socialisation. Then we had our second child and gave her the same surname as her sibling and it finally hit me how shit the situation was. By that point I'd lost all interest in the idea of being married and also discovered feminism and started to think differently about a lot of things. I realised that even if we did get married one day I wouldn't want to change my name and so we changed the kids surnames to be double barrelled instead. Now I look back and think how many bad choices I made, but women are so deeply conditioned with these ideas that half the time we don't realise the voice in our heads telling us "that's just how things are done/ it's just the right thing to do" isn't actually our voice at all.

Finally, this comment:

That's a sad and unhealthy way of looking at a relationship: a manipulative power struggle where women have limited and expiring currency.

It may be sad and unhealthy, but I suspect it's also a true reflection of the majority of heterosexual relationships.

Onlinedilema · 09/09/2021 13:59

After reading a post on here its also worth noting that if one of you dies, the other will not be first in line to register the death.
'Partner' is not a legal term. A blood relative will be sort first to register. If a partner registers it will be recorded as Causing the body to be cremated/buried.
Your details are not recorded as a wide or husband would, not recognised.
What ever happened to marrying somebody because you want to commit yourself to them and only them. To remember the lifelong commitment you have made.
What will you tell your child when they ask why you aren't married. If it's not that important then why not do it?

BungleandGeorge · 09/09/2021 13:59

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Married women are less happy than single ones according to research This is superficially true but misleading and not all that relevant when discussing being married Vs being partnered but unmarried

Married or partnered women on average have lower scores on happiness than single women. Women in good marriages or partnerships have higher scores on happiness than single women. Women in bad marriages or partnerships have lower scores.

I think your fair comparison would be happily married women v happily single women! It’s absolute rubbish to say women can’t be happy single, I know several. I also know several who aren’t happy when they don’t have a partner. OP I may have missed it sorry but has he been married before? Some people just don’t want to get married, it’s not about cheating or finding someone else as a large percentage of married men also do that! I can understand if you have children that being married is probably more protection in the event of splitting up.
LatteLady · 09/09/2021 13:59

I have read the whole thread and what comes across is that you need to make the wedding transactional as did several friends. This is about the legalities now you have a child. So it is:

  • Next of Kin
  • Tax
  • Death
  • Monies & House

If he baulks at this, then you may need to be making alternative plans for your future.

Onlinedilema · 09/09/2021 14:06

Also never give a child the fathers surname unless you are married.
Point of law; if you marry the father you can re register your child as legitumate. They get a new birth certificate and regardless of what the adults choose To do, the child can then take a new surname, it will also be recorded that the child's parents are married.
If you don't marry and split up (which the majority of unmarried parents do) your child will have the same surname as you, remember the mother will be the primary carer, let's not pretend otherwise.
Give the child the fathers surname and you will join the thousands of women who then try and change the child's surname to either her surname or a future partners with whom she will have a child, this is not allowed.

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 14:08

Is this yet another thread where the OP posts once then disappears?

Hard to have a dialogue when the poster goes away and doesn't come back to continue the conversation.

HosannainExcelSheets · 09/09/2021 14:09

Why do you want to get married? Really interrogate yourself about that. Then go look at all the practical and legal aspects of marriage (and divorce/death). Do you still want to get married after that? If you do, try to book a couple's counseling session to both talk through why you are not married and what it means to both of you for your relationship.

Tal45 · 09/09/2021 14:10

If he's not prepared to marry you then stop paying more towards the bills - why should you pay more than him? He lives there just as much as you do.
If he doesn't want to marry you after 7 years then he's probably never going to want to. I with the others in that I'd never have a child with someone who wouldn't marry me first.

billy1966 · 09/09/2021 14:11

There is nothing smug about asking why someone would bother their arse having a child with a man they want to marry, but who has no interest in marrying them?

And then carrying on and having even more children and again being disappointed about his continued refusal.

Generally men who really love a woman are interested in marriage. Generally.

Fine if both don't wish to, but to capitulate on such a fundamental boundary and carry on and have children, is just madness.

People come on to MN and look up threads on a subject and it is IMO good for them to have it plainly pointed out to them that they are not wrong in wanting marriage and if they don't get it before children it is NOT a good idea to go ahead and have children and hope for the best.

That is foolish and unlikely to happen.

I want women reading these threads that may be thinking of having a child anyway to rethink their position.

Bythemillpond · 09/09/2021 14:13

I don't know what 'research' this is, but all the women I know who are single or divorced, are not happy. They struggle to make ends meet, and fight for extra hours at work, (or have to take on a second job,) because they're brassick. (Not widows, but many single and divorced women

All the single parent women I know are the happiest bunch of people you could ever meet.

Financially they might not have been the most financially stable when their dc were growing up but the freedom they had more than made up for the lack of autonomy they had in their relationships
And now the children are older it has got easier and easier
As my friend puts it. I don’t have to think what another person thinks and play mental gymnastics if they are not keen on going somewhere or doing something
Not to have a miserable face to come home to after I have decided to stay out with the kids is worth the trade off that I am responsible for every bit of washing up and cleaning and decisions

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2021 14:14

Why are you paying more towards bills that he is? How absurd. Him earning less than you do is his problem, not yours, and he lives there every bit as much as you do.

Why would he want to get married? He's got it all with no effort and without making a real commitment. The house, the child, sex, a discount on bills, he's got it made.