He won’t marry me. AIBU?

[anonnancy]

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

@Annoyedanddissapointed

Bit scary to realise some people see marriage as bigger commitment than having kids, isn't it.

Bit scary to see how clueless many people are about what marriage actually means. Marriage is a legal commitment to another adult. Having children is supposed to mean a commitment to the child. And yet a staggeringly large number of people create a child then abandon all responsibility for it with no consequences at all.

Spend a day on here and see how many women have a baby with what seems like a committed man and are left literally holding the baby with all the responsibility that entails while their other parent swans off as if it never happened.

@Annoyedanddissapointed I don't think so, it's part of the structure behind being in an optimal position to make the decision to have children as sound as possible. If the commitment to marry isn't there, I don't see how one can make the bigger decision to bring a child into the world can be sound.

Stop giving HIM the financial benefit of marriage.

Sell the house, get your own mortgage and buy your own house. He doesn't want marriage? Then stop carrying him.

He could very well end up taking the equity you have largely built up and then buying a house with his future 1st wife. Don't add to the sting of such a marriage by you effectively funding their new life too.

I think this is very good advice from @PicsinRed.
OP, do you think there is a financial element involved in why your dp doesn't want to get married?
Do you own your house 50% each and if you were to separate would he be due to get his percentage back in full, even if you were the primary carer to your child, or your needs warranted more than an equal split?
I think it's fair enough that you become more self interested in protecting your finances as the higher earner, as you may need that increased financial security one day.
As a single parent myself, I'm forever thankful that I have always owned 100% of my home.

I'd tell him that since he declines to make you a legal unit with combined finances, you'll follow his lead and keep them separate. All your assets are being left direct to your DC, and you think the two of you should contribute strictly 50:50 from now on

I agree with this

No one should be forced to marry if they don't want to. And I wouldn't want to be married to somebody who had to be dragged down the aisle, kicking and screaming

But you can't have your cake and eat it. It's unreasonable for your DP to want the benefits of marriage without making the commitment of being married

As the higher earner I would advise you not to risk marriage. It really has no advantages for women unless they are SAHMS.

Married women are less happy than single ones according to research

5 years ago you decided to have a baby together. That is FAR more of a commitment than a marriage (without children involved.)

Do people really believe this shit? An actual person being born is obviously but but rubbish men just walk away so easily.

@Annoyedanddissapointed

Bit scary to realise some people see marriage as bigger commitment than having kids, isn't it.

Actively terrifying that some people don't know that it is.

Marriage is a commitment to the other partner. Having a child with someone is (should be) a commitment to the child. It doesn't innately involve any commitment at all to a partner, whereas that's by definition what a marriage or CP is.

We got married in a registry office. It cost £60 and was done within three days of booking. Our parents were our witnesses, and we had a takeaway afterwards. T

So, getting married is not complicated or expensive. Like others have said, I would ask him, reassure him that it can be really quick and simple, and see what he says.

At least you will have a more final answer, and then you can decide if you really wish to stay with a man who is adamant that he does not want to marry you.

Stop paying more than the bare minimum you need to. You aren’t his wife. Maybe that will be the kick up the backside he needs to realise he has no rights over your money at all right now.

Also having read other people’s advice it’s better for you to keep things etc separate. As you already have a child and haven’t taken time off work.
He doesn’t want to marry - fine.
Stop financing him, keep the extra you earn for yourself to build up a reserve in case anything happens.

OP - what upsets you, specifically, about not being married?

Do you feel that his reluctance is down to a gap in his emotional commitment?

It is very possible to be in a happy, functioning long term household and not married, especially where each party has their own financial security, as you clearly do.

Do you feel insecure? Emotionally? Financially?

Are you more romantic than him?

Why are you comparing yourself to other couples - is there are strong tradition of marriage amongst your friends and family? Judgement?

Unless / until we know his true and honest attitude towards marriage and a wedding it is really hard.

If you feel emotionally insecure, why is this?

Would a wedding solve it? Plenty marry and find themselves not secure or happy emotionally!

Does he want more children? Does he seem happy in the relationship, is he loving, and considerate towards you, is it you and him, back to back, a team?

Some people for whatever reason don't want to get married. You see a lot of them here. There's a couple near us who have never married, raised their family and are now heading for retirement together quite happily. It works if you're both happy with the arrangement, same with marriage it works so long as you both want to make it work.

The problem comes when one wants to marry and the other doesn't. Does your relationship mean more than the idea of marriage.

Marriage provides a good legal backdrop for a family and as you are the higher earner probably provides him with greater security. If it's important to you then it does matter and unless he has a good reason not to should be happy to marry you. Doing things to make each other happy or their life easier is part of having a relationship.

You earn more than him? Good. Keep your finances separate. Get a will

Maintain independence

I would change the deeds to tenants in common so you each have 50%, ring fence any deposit you put down, make sure your pension/death in service/next in kin is not him and make your will so your assets go directly to your DC (or their trustee but not him).

Then you tell him that as you are not getting married you will pay 50% each of everything. There is no proportionality if you are unmarried and you may need this money if you split up.

In your situation, with you being the higher earner and you both owning the home and both being financially independent, I wouldn't bother with a marriage. He is committed enough to co-own and have kids.

Marriage just makes it more painful and expensive and bitter and messy if you do split. Personally, I'd recommend maintaining financial independence for both parties over marriage!

So, getting married is not complicated or expensive. Like others have said, I would ask him, reassure him that it can be really quick and simple, and see what he says

No, but getting unmarried is and you need to factor that into calculations too!

Is it the 18th century?

Ask him to marry you.

YANBU. HE has all the perks of being married without making any sort of commitment

[Marriage] really has no advantages for women unless they are SAHMS.

I beg to differ. Being married does have one major advantage for both partners, whether or not they have children. Sorry if this sounds morbid, but when the first partner dies, a surviving spouse (or civil partner) is exempt from having to pay Inheritance Tax. A surviving co-habiting partner is not. The bereaved partner could face a massive tax bill and might be even be forced to sell their home in order to pay it.

Well you live with him, pay for him and are raising his child. No need for him to get married.

@RedHelenB

I'd have got married before having children but as you haven't there is no real need to narry. I take it your child has your surname?

You see I think this too -if it is so important -do it first.

I didn't, although we got engaged when it was pregnant.

But if person A wants something and person B doesn't -you can't force them. You can only move away or accept it.

@EdgeOfACoin

Well you live with him, pay for him and are raising his child. No need for him to get married.

Exactly and have none of the benefits of being married. Tax or otherwise. I'd revisit paying more -as he will get 50/50 of the house so he pays 50/50

split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair)

As you are not married, I don't see why he shouldn't pay his full share.

OP sorry to say it but he has no reason to marry you, he already has a home and a baby. He has what he wants.

In reality your DP is enjoying the benefits of a committed partnership without the legal commitment that you would like. He's half owner of a house, father of lovely DS and gets to keep a higher proportion of his income because you are paying proportionally more of the bills. Whatever his reasons for not getting married there is no incentive for him to change the status quo.

You are treating your separate incomes as 'family' money which is a win win for him. If anything were to happen to your relationship how would you look back on this situation? Would you feel at all used at subsidising the lifestyle of someone who had no legal commitment to you? If he did go off with someone else or even moved on with someone else after a breakup, would you feel your money had been well spent? Your incomes aren't joint in this situation and your subsidising his expenses won't lead to future investment in the relationship other than your 50% share of the house.

If you do decide to stay in an unmarried partnership you may want to consider putting the extra money you are contributing into something that will benefit you and your child only.