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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
Hillary17 · 10/09/2021 00:03

Be honest. If you want a marriage and not a wedding then tell him and explain what’s really important to you. For me it was a deal breaker and I was honest with my husband when I met him; I was ready to settle down and get married. Our wedding was done during Covid for about £400. At about 2 years I said if he wanted to marry me, he’d better ask soon! He wasn’t phased or worried because I’d always been honest about it being on the cards for me.

Babycarrottt · 10/09/2021 00:06

My DP was always against marriage as was I. We've been together for sixteen years and have owned property together for the past 14 years. As soon as we found out I was pregnant we decided on a civil partnership. There was just the four of us. Cheap and cheerful. Maybe it's the notion of marriage that he's against? A civil partnership is a good compromise. For the record, we have kept our surnames but our baby has both of our names.

CJsGoldfish · 10/09/2021 00:17

The whole 'proposal' thing, or waiting for it, is ridiculous. Why do women in this day and age still think this is a life moment?

Anyway, if marriage is so important to you and the lack of is causing so much upset why not just sit him down and say "hey, I think we should book a time at the registry office soon, what do you think? " In a "what suits you" kind of way.
He'll either be glad you're taking care of it or balk because he really doesn't want to get married. At least you'll finally know.

DrSbaitso · 10/09/2021 07:51

The reason women generally want a proposal is because men, overall, do take the initiative when they want something, and this would be proof that they want to marry. Conversely, not proposing is pretty much proof that they don't want it. I know there are exceptions but on the whole it's true.

Like other PPs, I've found men generally do want to marry when it's the right woman.

MsTSwift · 10/09/2021 08:04

Dh raised marriage within 3 months proposed after a year of meeting. If men (people) want something they make it happen. Cliche but actions speak louder than words.

rejectedcarrit · 10/09/2021 08:13

Having watched a friend who was unmarried grapple with in laws who swooped in when her partner or many years died, you need to at least formalise your arrangements legally with clear wills and power of attorney in the event of illness etc. Also take into account any additional cost of inheritance tax or loss of death in service benefit and ask him to cover this with a life insurance policy that he pays for.

I would also step back from sharing finances to his benefit if not married. 50 50 all the way.

Don't consider yourself as needy or unreasonable- be firm, say you want to be married and if he is saying that's not going to happen then tell him you will take some time to think and consider your options as he is telling you he is not serious about the relationship. Get some counselling and make your decisions.

All that said, if you are the higher earner and remain so, it's maybe not in your best interests financially to get married.

Esspee · 10/09/2021 08:36

You are in a difficult financial position. He has paid the mortgage and can prove it so you have no claim on the house should he die or leave you. Again you have no claim on his pension and if he died there might be inheritance tax on the property if he willed it to you. You are not his next of kin should he fall ill.
Surely knowing he doesn’t want to marry you is a huge turnoff. It would be for me!

Coffeepot72 · 10/09/2021 08:56

I don't think the OP is wanting to get married for financial reasons, I just think she understandably wants the emotional commitment?

Heliachi · 10/09/2021 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MissTrip82 · 10/09/2021 09:18

You’re not silly, if marriage matters to you then it matters.

I don’t agree that it solidifies your other commitments - your mortgage is a commitment to the bank, your kid is a commitment to your kid. Marriage is a commitment to each other. It’s not the only way you can make a commitment to each other, but it is one important way.

mydogisthebest · 10/09/2021 09:18

@MsTSwift

Dh raised marriage within 3 months proposed after a year of meeting. If men (people) want something they make it happen. Cliche but actions speak louder than words.
My DH proposed after a month. We married 5 months after meeting and celebrated 40 years of very happy marriage this year.

People either believe in and want to get married or they don't. I can't believe couples don't discuss it more before buying a house and (especially) have children.

If he wanted to get married he would have proposed long ago.

vickyp0llard · 10/09/2021 09:20

All that said, if you are the higher earner and remain so, it's maybe not in your best interests financially to get married.

This is funny because if a bloke came on here saying he didn't want to marry his girlfriend because she earned less than him and could take half his money in a divorce, everyone would be calling him a dickhead...

thatonehasalittlecar · 10/09/2021 09:35

NTFT

The only reason to get married is to protect your assets; you already share your life, your home and your child. The BS about being ‘husband and wife’ is just cultural nonsense stemming from when the ultimate prize for a woman was to be chosen. It’s outdated and sexist.

However, until the law catches up with society, you do need to protect your child, which means planning to keep a roof over their head if one of you were to die. They will inherit your estate in lieu of a husband, but they will be liable for IHT, whilst your partner will be liable for the full outstanding mortgage, which they may not be able to sustain. It gets tricky when it comes down to whether they can sell the house and put your share aside for the kid - presumably would depend on the age of the child, but you would need to check with a lawyer.

Go and get some legal advice and maybe your partner will see the fiscal advantages of marriage. If he doesn’t, I would buy a life insurance policy that would cover the outstanding mortgage and the likely IHT liability.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/09/2021 10:04

How did it go OP?
House is in joint names so she hasn’t fallen into usual pitfall of living in a man’s house she doesn’t own and paying for day to day costs not mortgage. She’s not said if joint tenants or tenants in common but if they split she gets half house, if he dies and it’s tenants in common she’s probably ok unless he’s left his share to someone else in his will (eg if he’s got an old Will from pre girlfriend leaving assets to his mum)
OP is in a strong position.
I agree on 50/50 finances not subsidising him anymore - legally if he’s not wanting a commitment of marriage it makes sense.

mydogisthebest · 10/09/2021 10:35

@thatonehasalittlecar

NTFT

The only reason to get married is to protect your assets; you already share your life, your home and your child. The BS about being ‘husband and wife’ is just cultural nonsense stemming from when the ultimate prize for a woman was to be chosen. It’s outdated and sexist.

However, until the law catches up with society, you do need to protect your child, which means planning to keep a roof over their head if one of you were to die. They will inherit your estate in lieu of a husband, but they will be liable for IHT, whilst your partner will be liable for the full outstanding mortgage, which they may not be able to sustain. It gets tricky when it comes down to whether they can sell the house and put your share aside for the kid - presumably would depend on the age of the child, but you would need to check with a lawyer.

Go and get some legal advice and maybe your partner will see the fiscal advantages of marriage. If he doesn’t, I would buy a life insurance policy that would cover the outstanding mortgage and the likely IHT liability.

Just because you think marriage is outdated and sexist doesn't mean everyone does.

The OP wants to get married just as many other women and men do.

My nieces and nephews are all either married or engaged as are just about all their friends. They range in age from 19 to 32 so, obviously, they don't see marriage as outdate either.

vickyp0llard · 10/09/2021 10:41

I don't think marriage is outdated and sexist at all. It's a way of solidifying your commitment by making legally binding promises in front of witnesses. You can't really state your opinion as a fact.

Coffeepot72 · 10/09/2021 10:56

OP- did you talk to your DP about this last night, how did it go?

BashfulClam · 10/09/2021 11:50

@MyPatronusIsACat my surname was used as a stick fit bullies to beat me with. So believe me when I say my DH’s name is much better and
I was able to change my babe so easily with a copy of my marriage certificate. If he had his mother’s maiden name though I would have stuck fast to my despised surname as hers was completely awful!

Sakura7 · 10/09/2021 11:55

It's interesting though that men who carry these awfully embarrassing names very rarely change them. Why don't they take the opportunity to drop them for their wife's surname?

vickyp0llard · 10/09/2021 11:59

It's interesting though that men who carry these awfully embarrassing names very rarely change them. Why don't they take the opportunity to drop them for their wife's surname?

Because at the moment it's quite unusual and not a social norm for men to change surname. If that were to change, I'm sure more of them would. I've known men change their first names because they hate them.

estornudar · 10/09/2021 12:07

Goodness me, what century are we living in? YAB totally U.

Some people just don't want to get married, and that is their choice. It doesn't automatically mean he loves you any less.

There is nothing to stop you proposing to him and if he says no you either end it or deal with it. I know plenty of people who live perfectly happy lives without being married to their partner. You would be fine!

DillonPanthersTexas · 10/09/2021 12:24

This is funny because if a bloke came on here saying he didn't want to marry his girlfriend because she earned less than him and could take half his money in a divorce, everyone would be calling him a dickhead...

Quite

Plus all the people demanding why the OP is paying more of the mortgage/living costs due to being the higher earner? It seems when it is the other way round then it is only fair that the bloke pays proportionally more and any resistance to this makes him a skinflint tight arse who should be binned immediately

Coffeepot72 · 10/09/2021 12:29

Double standards are alive and well on MN!

thatonehasalittlecar · 10/09/2021 13:00

@mydogisthebest (actually mine is, but that’s beside the point)

It is both outdated (as exemplified by the increasing trend to ‘live in sin’ and have ‘bastard’ children) and sexist (‘why hasn’t he proposed?’, being given away, the woman being expected to take his name etc etc). Just because your nieces & nephews have decided to accept the societal expectation doesn’t make it any less outdated and sexist.

If the OP took on board how outdated and sexist it is, perhaps she would be happier, rather than feeling ‘less than’ because he won’t propose, despite making the ultimate commitment by having a child with her.

@vickyp0llard

I mean, I can. I did. Life is too short to caveat and preamble everything with ‘I think’ or ‘IMO’, but isn’t it obvious?

Rubyrebel · 10/09/2021 13:29

@estornudar

Goodness me, what century are we living in? YAB totally U.

Some people just don't want to get married, and that is their choice. It doesn't automatically mean he loves you any less.

There is nothing to stop you proposing to him and if he says no you either end it or deal with it. I know plenty of people who live perfectly happy lives without being married to their partner. You would be fine!

But there is a reason for not wanting to do something right? His reason is he can’t give her the wedding she wants. If he knows that she doesn’t care about that ( not sure if op clarified with him yet) then that answer is BS. I’d want to know the reason. If he doesn’t think marriage is important ‘a bit of paper’ but op does think it’s important, if he loves her, it’s no big deal to get married, right? He obviously has an objection for some reason - feeling he has to stay with op forever, doubts, lack of commitment . I wouldn’t be happy staying with someone who had these reservations about me , would you?