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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
anonnancy · 13/09/2021 11:31

Thank you everyone for your input.

I have been quiet for the past couple of days as had a lot to digest and think through.

Had an attempt at a talk about the situation I find myself in (I say myself as it seems to only be me in the relationship who is affected by the marriage (or lack of!) thing).

Didn’t get much out of the conversation apart from the fact that I clearly don’t mean as much to him as I once thought. The money issue arose again which I said was a cop-out excuse. If he wanted to marry me we could do it for pence at a registry office. His excuse to not doing that was because he knows that isn’t what I want. So I went back with “what I want is a marriage to the man I love”, and said I will compromise (or sacrifice) my idea of a wedding (albeit still small in comparison to most!) so that we can be husband and wife and get all the legal bits sorted…. Still nothing seemed to budge his opinion and I was accused of forcing him down the aisle.

SO! Over the next few months I am going to quietly squirrel away a few more £££s and pull the plug. House will go up for sale and we will go out separate ways. DS will come with me and we will agree a schedule and hopefully be able to co-parent amicably.

I told him this was make or break for me and if he didn’t want to marry me and rubber stamp our family unit then I had some serious thinking to do. For some reason he thinks I am not serious but little does he know that once my savings are looking healthier, he will find himself living back with his parents.

Feeling broken but trying to hold myself together for the sake of DS, and my own good.

Sorry if none of the above makes sense. I feel like I’m living in a blur and just coming to terms with the fact that this relationship is potentially over. Everything I have ever known for 7 years has just crumbled in the space of mere days.

Sad
OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/09/2021 11:35
Thanks

How awful for you, that must hurt so much.

You are doing the right thing though. I hope if he does a U turn you don't marry him as he clearly sees you as "good enough for now" rather than the be woman he loves and wants to be with Sad

RandomMess · 13/09/2021 11:37

Oh and you can change your name by deedpoll either to match your DD or your step Dad if you prefer.

More ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
anonnancy · 13/09/2021 11:37

@Coffeepot72

I don't think the OP is wanting to get married for financial reasons, I just think she understandably wants the emotional commitment?
Yes this is totally it. I just feel like it rubber stamps everything we are as a family. He’s always known I’ve wanted to get married eventually so this conversation shouldn’t be a shock to him at all x
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 13/09/2021 11:37

I'm sorry for the heartache, OP, but you two want different things and you will never be happy with a man who doesn't love you the way you need amd deserve. This way you'll be free if the right man does come along.

Kudos for your strength and knowing your worth.

DrSbaitso · 13/09/2021 11:40

I wish these men would be honest and own their decisions. He's not obliged to want to marry you, but you could have had a clearer picture, certainly a more respectful one, if he had been honest that he cares about you but just isn't prepared to do this, rather than pretending it's about not wanting an expensive wedding and indirectly blaming you for it.

It's not the lack of commitment that turns me off as much as the cowardice about it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2021 11:42

I agree you are right as you won’t be happy as you are, and the resentment will grow.

If he ends up marrying someone else, so be it. It doesn’t mean you were wrong to leave.

WimpoleHat · 13/09/2021 11:42

OP - that must be hard. Really hard. But you shouldn’t settle for this and you know this. So now you have a plan. A way forward. Keep focusing on that. Things will get better….

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2021 11:42

I also agree he should have just been honest!

DrSbaitso · 13/09/2021 11:44

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I agree you are right as you won’t be happy as you are, and the resentment will grow.

If he ends up marrying someone else, so be it. It doesn’t mean you were wrong to leave.

If he ends up marrying someone else, that's absolutely rock solid proof that OP was right to leave...because clearly marriage itself wasn't a problem for him.
PersonaNonGarter · 13/09/2021 11:46

Well done, OP. Better to get your answer now.

Hekatestorch · 13/09/2021 11:55

Op I am so sorry.

I know what it's like to not want to get married. I don't. But I just think, not being up front about it is awful.

I can't get my head round someone not bring honest about it and living life with them, letting them think marriage is something I want. So disrespectful and unloving.

I just think it's awful to do that and I am so sorry, this has happened to you.

I left and a bad relationship, for different reasons. But I know, You will get through it and you will be happy that you did it.

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 13/09/2021 11:57

MN makes me laugh! Someone comes along asking if it's right they pay 50/50 bills when one earns more than the other and everyone kicks up a stink it should be worked out on percentage based on income. OP says they would it out based on percentage so it isn't 50/50 and low and behold she should only pay 50% 🤷🏼‍♀️

TurquoiseDragon · 13/09/2021 12:02

OP, you are the higher earner, so in your shoes I wouldn't rush to get married.

I think you would be wise to safeguard your assets for your son, given that this bloe us so reluctant to marry.

You say you jointly own the house. My suggestion is to find out if its "joint tenants" or "tenants in common". If joint tenants, he will get your portion of the house if you die. If tenants in common, you will be able to will your portion to your child. You can go online to, I think it's Land Registry, and get a form to change ownership to tenants in common if you want, and you don't need your DP's permission for the change, so I understand.

Frazzledmummy123 · 13/09/2021 12:06

@anonnancy

Thank you everyone for your input.

I have been quiet for the past couple of days as had a lot to digest and think through.

Had an attempt at a talk about the situation I find myself in (I say myself as it seems to only be me in the relationship who is affected by the marriage (or lack of!) thing).

Didn’t get much out of the conversation apart from the fact that I clearly don’t mean as much to him as I once thought. The money issue arose again which I said was a cop-out excuse. If he wanted to marry me we could do it for pence at a registry office. His excuse to not doing that was because he knows that isn’t what I want. So I went back with “what I want is a marriage to the man I love”, and said I will compromise (or sacrifice) my idea of a wedding (albeit still small in comparison to most!) so that we can be husband and wife and get all the legal bits sorted…. Still nothing seemed to budge his opinion and I was accused of forcing him down the aisle.

SO! Over the next few months I am going to quietly squirrel away a few more £££s and pull the plug. House will go up for sale and we will go out separate ways. DS will come with me and we will agree a schedule and hopefully be able to co-parent amicably.

I told him this was make or break for me and if he didn’t want to marry me and rubber stamp our family unit then I had some serious thinking to do. For some reason he thinks I am not serious but little does he know that once my savings are looking healthier, he will find himself living back with his parents.

Feeling broken but trying to hold myself together for the sake of DS, and my own good.

Sorry if none of the above makes sense. I feel like I’m living in a blur and just coming to terms with the fact that this relationship is potentially over. Everything I have ever known for 7 years has just crumbled in the space of mere days.

Sad

I am so sorry to read this Flowers .

You are doing the right thing, you deserve much more xx

TurquoiseDragon · 13/09/2021 12:10

OP, I didn't see your updates, got interrupted while typing.

Sadly, I think you're doing the right thing. He doesn't want to marry you.

I was in a similar situation, and it cost me so much. I hope you come out of this better than I did.

billy1966 · 13/09/2021 12:11

OP,
I think you are wise.

Be wary of him agreeing when he sees you are serious just to keep you quiet and stay in the house.

Look closely at who he is and how he has behaved.

You deserve better than him.
Stop paying for more.
Strictly 50/50 and start banking as much as possible.

Keep posting.Flowers

caringcarer · 13/09/2021 12:11

It is very sad. You love him more than he loves you. Has he any genuine reason to fear marriage? If you are not married he should pay his half not expect you to pay more. I hope you have your child your name. It would be a deal breaker for me but I would not have had a child with a man I was not married to. I think it is the thought he does not love you enough to think you are the one for him. I would find that too hurtful.

WimpoleHat · 13/09/2021 12:15

@BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII

MN makes me laugh! Someone comes along asking if it's right they pay 50/50 bills when one earns more than the other and everyone kicks up a stink it should be worked out on percentage based on income. OP says they would it out based on percentage so it isn't 50/50 and low and behold she should only pay 50% 🤷🏼‍♀️
Yes - you do hear this. But it’s said on the assumption that you’re a team. A partnership; in it together for the long term. OP has - sadly - realised that’s not how her partner feels about the relationship. So why should she be subbing him?
mydogisthebest · 13/09/2021 12:15

So sorry to read your update OP.

I can fully see your point of view. Marriage is very very important to me and thankfully DH feels the same way. He was adamant he didn't want to live together as he wanted to marry me and show the world his commitment.

If your DH doesn't believe in marriage that is, of course, fine but he should have told you this years ago.

Unless he is totally against marriage for some reason he would marry you if he truly loved you when he knows how much it means to you.

Hopefully you will meet someone with the same values as yourself

OrangeTortoise · 13/09/2021 12:21

Sorry to read your update OP.

I think it's worth another serious conversation about this (say in a couple of weeks) to make sure he realises you're serious about this. But after that I think you are right to leave Sad

TheGirlCat · 13/09/2021 12:42

@OrangeTortoise

Sorry to read your update OP.

I think it's worth another serious conversation about this (say in a couple of weeks) to make sure he realises you're serious about this. But after that I think you are right to leave Sad

Yes, I agree with this OP. Enough with the secretive squirreling away - it doesn't sound like you need to, as you have enough money. You need to make him realise you are deadly serious and will put the house on the market. Tell him tonight. Don't let him think he has got away with this for a day longer, let alone a month or so. Tell him tonight it's over and you will agree to custody etc, don't let him be oblivious for one more night.
Porcupineintherough · 13/09/2021 12:47

I'm sorry its come to this OP but better to know. Put him behind you and you'll have a far better chance of one day finding someone who does want to commit to you.

colouringindoors · 13/09/2021 13:02

So sorry to read your update OP 💐💐💐

Ithink you are wise

Be wary of him agreeing when he sees you are serious just to keep you quiet and stay in the house.

Look closely at who he is and how he has behaved.

You deserve better than him.
Stop paying for more.
Strictly 50/50 and start banking as much as possible.

Keep posting.

All of this.

DevonBelles · 13/09/2021 13:03

I'm sorry it's come to this @anonnancy

However, don't be surprised if he does a U-turn once you start the ball rolling to sell up.

He won't be the first or last man to realise that you meant what you said, at the 11th hour.

Whether you still want him then is another matter though.

I can't see why he is refusing to get married. Can you?

He's falling back on the money / cost but is it really about his commitment to you?

He's already got a huge commitment to your son and so we assume your DP will part of your lives forever.

If I were you, I'd not lie or hide the fact now that you want to leave.
Just tell him and if you earn more, save that anyway and get on with selling up.

It's only then that the reality will hit him.

Not sure why he will be back to his parents though. Does he not earn enough to buy a home of his own?