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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 09/09/2021 20:31

Your partner is 33 and old enough to make his mind up. Please don’t be hard on yourself you’ve done nothing to ‘cause’ this (or otherwise). You’re good enough the way you are!
You need to have a Frank talk and point all of this out to him a or try couples counselling. If he doesn’t want to marry because it’s you, not because he doesn’t want marriage itself.
Even people who can’t afford a wedding now have a plan, and date, and save up for it.

IceLace100 · 09/09/2021 20:32

It doesn't sound like you need to be married from a financial point of view. You earn more so as previous posters have said, you're not in the situation that lots of unmarried women are in when they post here.

However, if you want to get married, you need to tell him that and you need to explain why it's important to you. Tell him it's a non negotiable for you. See what he says.

If he comes up with reason after reason not to, then I'm sorry, he doesn't want to marry you.

Pamparam · 09/09/2021 20:33

Civil partnership? I have a marriage sceptic partner but we recently booked our CP - just feels different but has the same legal and commitment level benefits.

TractorAndHeadphones · 09/09/2021 20:33

@Dontbeme

I actually earn significantly more than he does (around £10k more a year). He pays the mortgage and a few finance-y bits or any home Reno bits we do, and I pay utility bills / food bill / child care / car loan

He has stitched you up like a kipper OP. He has paid into the asset that means long-term security and you have ploughed your money into disposable items that mean nothing. If you or he walk he will have evidence to show He has paid solely for the house and can argue that you made no contribution, everytime someone asks on here about moving a bloke into the house they own the advice is always have him pay bills, nothing towards the house to avoid a claim on the property. You walked right into it.

Contribution doesn’t matter - they both own the house already!
TractorAndHeadphones · 09/09/2021 20:33

Also OP you can have the wedding bit without the legal bit! Lots of people marry in places which aren’t licensed and have the paperwork done first elsewhere!

Annoyedanddissapointed · 09/09/2021 20:36

@TractorAndHeadphones

Also OP you can have the wedding bit without the legal bit! Lots of people marry in places which aren’t licensed and have the paperwork done first elsewhere!
A party. Then it's just a party
Lolabray · 09/09/2021 20:37

Maybe he’s just not ready for that level of commitment . He has shown you it in other ways. Bills. Home, baby etc. Concentrate on putting yourself first and the rest will follow.

A good book to read is called The Rules ..

Onlinedilema · 09/09/2021 20:41

Maybe he isn't ready for that levelled committment.

Seroiusly? He is 33 years old!
He lives with the op and They have a child.
If he isn't ready for the commitment now he never will be.

TractorAndHeadphones · 09/09/2021 20:53

@Annoyedanddissapointed (is your username your reaction to these things 😂) thé ‘wedding bit’ refers to walking down the aisle, saying vows, whatever is traditionally done in weddings. It would be a bit disingenuous of the OP to call it a wedding without being married but I see nothing wrong in having a celebration with the events traditionally associated with one . Especially preceding the signing of binding legal documents (whether it’s a married certify or not) that takes the relationship to the next stage.

Btw a wedding is a cultural celebration of a union. Whether or not the B&G sign paperwork is irrelevant. Many people consider the ceremony the real wedding and the paperwork a formality in terms of guest attendance. Especially people of different religions whose places of worship may not be licensed for legal marriages . Be glad that you’re invited to the actual important bit..

pickingdaisies · 09/09/2021 20:53

I'm the meantime OP, why don't you change your surname if you hate it? Maybe change it to whatever your mum wanted it to be?

Annoyedanddissapointed · 09/09/2021 20:54

@TractorAndHeadphones 😂 to that and many other things

TractorAndHeadphones · 09/09/2021 20:54

*not precede, I meant after the signing

MyPatronusIsACat · 09/09/2021 21:05

@anonnancy

Oh and just to add, DS has DPs surname as I hate mine and haven’t seen my biological father for years, who wouldn’t let my mum change my surname as a child because he was a horrible, horrible man.

If my surname was changed and I had my step father’s name, DS would probably have double barrelled name.

Hmmmm, as has been said, how come unmarried women, who give their children the father of their childrens name, ALWAYS have an excuse. 'My name is soooo hard to spell,' 'my name is hard to pronounce,' 'I hate my surname and my DP's is so much nicer,' 'I didn't like my father and didn't want my kids having HIS name,' and 'it was just easier to give them his name.' Confused

As I said, it's stupid, because in the vast VAST majority of the time, when the relationship ends, the kids stay with their mother. Then you have to raise them, with the surname of the useless, feckless ex partner, who refused to marry their mother.

Batshittery at its finest.

And if your father is so horrible, and you hate your surname so much, (because it's HIS surname,) I don't understand why you wouldn't change it to your mother's maiden name, as soon as you hit 18. (Or was HER dad horrible as well?) Confused

It's just an excuse. The vast majority of women give their children HIS name, because they hope they will be married one day. (They do this whether they realise it or not...)

@ZoeCM

Isn't it odd that men's surnames are almost always nicer/easier to spell/easier to pronounce than women's, even though surnames are gender-neutral? And that there are also loads of women who don't want to pass on their own names because they have bad relationships with their fathers, yet there are hardly any men who don't want to pass on theirs for that reason?

Yeah funny innit? Wink It's very convenient that the surname of the father of the children ALWAYS has a better surname, or an easier to pronounce/easier to spell surname. What a fantastic coincidence Shock

'Hmmm, may as well let my kids have HIS name then. Also, it will be dead handy if he ever decides he wants to marry me! '

MyPatronusIsACat · 09/09/2021 21:05

@MsTSwift

I 🙄 at these princes who insist the children have their surname cos tradition innit but refuse to get married…
Grin
Siameasy · 09/09/2021 21:33

The point I made to my now-DH when he was being lame about it was: there isn’t anything left to find out about me, this is it so you either like me enough now to get married or you don’t.
DH was pathetic about the whole thing, dragged his heels and had to have the riot act read to him. And I was prepared to leave albeit as a last resort.

MyPatronusIsACat · 09/09/2021 21:40

@Siameasy

The point I made to my now-DH when he was being lame about it was: there isn’t anything left to find out about me, this is it so you either like me enough now to get married or you don’t. DH was pathetic about the whole thing, dragged his heels and had to have the riot act read to him. And I was prepared to leave albeit as a last resort.
This is just depressing. Confused

So you had to back him into a corner, and shoehorn him into the Church/registry office, to get him to marry you?

Some women have their bar set really low. Sad

Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 21:42

@Onlinedilema my mother and father were married when I was born. My biological father was terribly abusive to my mother and they divorced eventually. My mother remarried a wonderful man (who raised me and my sister as his own) and we begged to have his last name instead of our biological fathers but he refused (like you say, it is his right).

Anyhoo! I digress.

To answer your q’s:

  1. yes this is his first child
  2. he has never lived with anyone else before me (apart from his parents!)
  3. he has never been engaged or married

He has had relationships before but they always just fizzled out / just didn’t work out after a few months. I think his longest relationship before me was around a year!

He was in the army for a while but came out due to a prolonged back injury. And I think being in the army was why his previous relationships didn’t work.

OP posts:
ZoeCM · 09/09/2021 22:17

Are you implying that I'm lying?

I don't think you are, but I think a lot of women are. You would expect a roughly 50:50 split of children being given their mothers' and fathers' surnames if the name itself really were the main consideration.

I think the real issue is sexism. There's a stigma against women giving their children their own names if they're in a relationship with the father -- it's seen as domineering. No man, however, is considered domineering if his children have his name.

The funny thing is that it's actually traditional for a child of unmarried parents to have their mother's name, not their father's!

DirectionToPerfection · 09/09/2021 22:26

My dh was with his previous partner for 13 years, he knew he would never marry her.

That says something about his character Onlinedilema and it's not good.

Stringing someone along for well over a decade while you wait for someone better to come along is a really shitty thing to do.

Onlinedilema · 09/09/2021 23:14

Who says anything about stringing along. I knew I would never marry my ex too. I wasn’t stringing him along I told him that, he was free to leave at any point.
By your logic the ops partner us stringing her along then. The difference is my husband did not have a child to his ex and I did not have a child with my ex. I would not have had a child out of wedlock and neither would my husband. Neither did either myself or my husband buy a house with our ex’s. Whole world of difference.

Onlinedilema · 09/09/2021 23:22

Op so if you ever split with your partner and marry someone else, your child will be stuck with his fathers name, just like you were.
Why did you not give your child your name?
Once again. If you had done this and ever get married to your partner you could respect register your child as a child of marriage and change their surname.
I’m not having a go at you but I really can’t understand your logic.

Briony123 · 09/09/2021 23:34

As long as the child has your surname then I shouldn't worry.

DirectionToPerfection · 09/09/2021 23:35

Who says anything about stringing along. I knew I would never marry my ex too. I wasn’t stringing him along I told him that, he was free to leave at any point.

I don't understand the point of being in a relationship like that, other than convenience, which to me is disrespectful to your partner. Surely you know you'd leave them if someone you like better comes along.

By your logic the ops partner us stringing her along then.

Yes, there's a strong possibility that he is.

Redruby2020 · 09/09/2021 23:51

@GeorgiaMcGraw

You are not needy or spoiled. I wouldn't want to have a child with a man I wasn't married to either, but DH and I agreed on our goals and plans before making commitments to each other. We both agreed on buying a house, then marriage, then kids. No room for disappointing surprises. I'm not sure what you can do at this point though if he point blank refuses. Explain why it is so important to you, why you think it will be good for you as a family, talk to him about what kind of wedding would make him happy, perhaps.
Well many of us did, and that doesn't make us completely stupid. Plus my now ex was abusive so better to not of had a divorce to deal with on top of everything else!
BluebellsGreenbells · 09/09/2021 23:59

The funny thing is that it's actually traditional for a child of unmarried parents to have their mother's name, not their father's!

That’s not quite right. It’s traditional for a child to have their mothers name, married or not. But if married, then that is the fathers name as well.