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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
Annoyedanddissapointed · 09/09/2021 17:29

Guys, there is a big difference between wanting to get married (not a loser and absolutely not a wet lettuce) and waiting for proposal while getting more and more upset...

ItsNotMeAnymore · 09/09/2021 17:30

I am surprised at all the suggestions that the OP asks her partner to marry her when he clearly doesn’t want to get married. My idea of a romantic proposal doesn’t including guilt tripping and coercion. 🙄

I wouldn’t want to get married to someone who didn’t want to marry me. I prefer to do a civil partnership or a cohabitation agreement.

As I mentioned earlier in the thread we had to get married due to getting work permits and visas when we worked abroad but otherwise I wouldn’t have. Ohh, and my kids have my husbands surname because mine is truely awful. 😅

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/09/2021 17:33

You don't sound spoilt or needy but your phrase, "I just want to be his wife" made me sad for you because, he doesn't feel or behave as if he wants to be your husband.

I wouldn't have any more children with him, I'd start making my plans to go if marriage matters to you because unless he's forced into it, it sounds like he just won't. You deserve better.

You're financially solvent, that's positive, you're a far better catch than he is and, love passes if you let it, it really does.

Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 17:35

@DevonBelles we always planned to have children but I always said I wanted to be married first. I was on the depo for years so was surprised when I was staring at the positive pregnancy test!

We were both shocked but happy and absolutely do not regret how things have happened.

I am in line for a big promotion at work which will make my salary around £20k more than him if I am successful.

I am 28 and he is 33.

X

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 09/09/2021 17:36

I had to give my first husband a huge push so that we could get married. He left me 15 months later. Any regrets? Well Husband Two is a huge improvement, so all good there. But with hindsight, if DH1 hadn't agreed to get married, I doubt I would have stayed with him. His lack of commitment was embarrassing, all our friends were getting married and his reluctance was excrutiating.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 09/09/2021 17:37

I am surprised at all the suggestions that the OP asks her partner to marry her when he clearly doesn’t want to get married. My idea of a romantic proposal doesn’t including guilt tripping and coercion. 🙄

It's not coersion to propose... He didn't say no, he just has excuses (tbh in my book they mean no). It's a question asked by millions every year. If someone wants to know where they stand and needs to know where they stand, they should take charge and ask the question.

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 17:45

This is just a question and a thought @anonnancy.
You implied your baby was unplanned.
Is there a chance your P feels compelled to stay with you because you now have a child? But that before you knew you were pregnant, your relationship wasn't as committed as you'd want it to be now?

In other words, has he 'done the right thing' by staying with you and your child, but it all happened too fast for him and he's just not sure of how he feels about you?

Only you know the answer - or need to find it out.

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 17:50

Sorry @anonnancy I posted the latest post without seeing your update on your ages etc.

You need to talk to him.

But you also need to have Plan B for if he refuses to get hitched.

Will you accept it or walk away?

I guess maybe he feels unsure. You met when you were only 21, had a child at 26-ish (young by today's average of 30-31 for women) so my guess is it's all happened fast for him and he's just not really thinking about how you feel.

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 17:52

@TheWernethWife

My friend gave her children her partners name, they had been together for over four years.

He then left her with a 3 year old and a newborn and went off with his new squeeze. He's marrying this one though.

Hmmm.....very helpful Hmm
Dixiechickonhols · 09/09/2021 17:57

Good luck OP. Your second para in your update is a good start for a conversation. Then the last para about serious side.
If he definitely doesn’t want to marry then at least you know. Don’t be fobbed off by ‘one day’.

Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 18:01

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I don’t want to sound woe is me ( very aware I do at the min !) just feel a bit “what is wrong with me?” I think, like I am not good enough for him.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/09/2021 18:03

I think for me it boils down to the fact I am quite old fashioned and love the idea of marriage

Surely if you were old fashioned you wouldn’t be living together nor having a child outside of marriage.

Frazzledmummy123 · 09/09/2021 18:05

OP, the sentence in one of your posts which said you would love your dad to walk you down the aisle but have made peace with the fact it probably won't happen is very sad Sad . I know we must make sacrifices or compromises in life at times but I feel sad for you that it is/was important to you and were given hope this would happen. No matter his reasons, this is pretty bad and totally selfish knowing you want this.

Good luck with your chat, hope it.goes well Flowers

Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 18:06

@DevonBelles I suppose yes in a way, unplanned. But very much wanted. He just arrived earlier than we had planned!

He tells me he wants more children with me, doesn’t see himself with anyone else, etc etc. But I have said no more children until we are married and I am serious about that one.

I suppose at the end of the day if he doesn’t want to marry me than I clearly mean less to him than I thought and I need to have a serious think about whether I am willing to put my feelings about marriage to one side or not!

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 09/09/2021 18:17

He tells me he wants more children with me, doesn’t see himself with anyone else, etc etc. But I have said no more children until we are married and I am serious about that one.

And what is his response to that? Would he rather forgo more children, rather than get married?

AthenaPopodopolous · 09/09/2021 18:29

I’ve saw many couples marry ten years plus after getting together and it’s allowed them to establish themselves in their careers and buy their own homes. Some have one child together, others waited years to marry. I think your partner just wants to give you a wedding that he feels you deserve. So both of you start saving up and be patient. No doubt you will marry in future. He has committed already with the mortgage and child. Pressure will not help but make it something you both commit to and save towards over the coming years.

abstractprojection · 09/09/2021 18:32

I can compare this to my struggles with Valentines Day

My ex ‘didn’t believe in it’ so for over a decade every year I’d walk past women in restaurants being wined and dined, men walking down the road with flowers and gifts, women at work saying what they’d partners had done even if little. It felt like on that day every woman in the world was loved and special except for me

So when I got with my new partner and he said ‘I don’t need a day a year to tell me to live you’ I got really upset, I didn’t want to feel how I did with my ex with him. So I explained why the idea of not celebrating it upset me so much, and he got it! Every year since it has been celebrated and he doesn’t resent it as being forced, he understands it’s to make me feel as loved and special as all of the other women being made to feel loved and special on that day.

Sometimes why something is so important really needs to be spelt out and once it is it is understood. I would tell your DP how him refusing to marry you makes you feel, not the practical reasons as these can be reasoned away, or the explosion of feelings as these can be misunderstood but ‘you not marrying me makes me feel like I’m not (insert here) as all of the other women that are married’

Sakura7 · 09/09/2021 18:40

[quote anonnancy]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I don’t want to sound woe is me ( very aware I do at the min !) just feel a bit “what is wrong with me?” I think, like I am not good enough for him.[/quote]
You don't sound "woe is me".

There is nothing wrong with you.

Stand up for yourself and for what you want. Don't put your needs to the side.

I know it may not be what you want to hear, but at 28 you are still so young and you can absolutely find someone who truly wants to marry you. I was in your situation at 28 (though without DC) and he strung me along and then dumped me after seven years together. I'm now engaged to a man who is excited to marry me and I thank my lucky stars that my ex didn't want to.

Chocaholic9 · 09/09/2021 18:43

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If I were in your position, I'd want to get married too, and if he doesn't want it, I'm sorry to say you're probably not his 'one'. Whether he takes that step or not says a lot about that.

Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 19:04

@Coffeepot72 I don’t think he truly believes me. I have jokingly said it in the past so that is probably my own fault.

OP posts:
LalalalalalaLand123 · 09/09/2021 20:11

But I have said no more children until we are married and I am serious about that one.

Yes but OP your first child wasn't planned for that timing, so you may get pregnant again unintentionally. You need a different approach. How about "no more SEX until we are married" Grin (I am not actually suggesting this btw; however I would have trouble being attracted to a guy who was signalling to me that he is not that into me)

PersonaNonGarter · 09/09/2021 20:15

[quote anonnancy]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I don’t want to sound woe is me ( very aware I do at the min !) just feel a bit “what is wrong with me?” I think, like I am not good enough for him.[/quote]
This is so sad, OP. And it is this that you need to bring to his attention. It doesn’t matter what he says it’s what he does or doesn't do. He needs to actively marry you.

PlanetTeaTime · 09/09/2021 20:19

No advice OP but I'm in the same boat. I don't get it and it hurts my feelings.

Onlinedilema · 09/09/2021 20:24

He is 33.
Have his his first child?
Had he Lived with anyone else before you?
Had he ever been engaged or married?

Marriage isn't always about practicalities, before you bought a house together did you go through every single practicality, weighing up the pros and cons of living together versus not living together?
No- then why are on doing this with marraige.
My dh was with his previous partner for 13 years, he knew he would never marry her.
By the time I had been with my dh the same length of time I had been with my ex, we were engaged to be married and had our wedding plans in place.
I adore my dh.
I am so glad I married him.
All this talk of marriage as just a legal arrangement makes me feel sad.
Op- you mentioned that your father did not want your mother to change your surname. That is his legal right. You have done exactly the same as your mother did, you have given your child a different name to you. You cannot change your child's surname now.
I don't have any more advice for you.
Your partner is 33, not 12. You have been together 7 years that is more than enough time to know whether you want to marry someone.

Dontbeme · 09/09/2021 20:28

I actually earn significantly more than he does (around £10k more a year). He pays the mortgage and a few finance-y bits or any home Reno bits we do, and I pay utility bills / food bill / child care / car loan

He has stitched you up like a kipper OP. He has paid into the asset that means long-term security and you have ploughed your money into disposable items that mean nothing. If you or he walk he will have evidence to show He has paid solely for the house and can argue that you made no contribution, everytime someone asks on here about moving a bloke into the house they own the advice is always have him pay bills, nothing towards the house to avoid a claim on the property. You walked right into it.

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