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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He won’t marry me. AIBU?

469 replies

anonnancy · 09/09/2021 07:48

Hi all.
From reading other posts similar to mine I suspect I know the answer to my question!

I have been with DP for 7 years. We have a beautiful 20 month old DS and he is the light of our lives. We own our home (both names
On the mortgage) and split bills fairly based on how much we earn (I do earn more than DP so I pay more to make it fair).

But he just won’t put a ring on it!

I love him very much, and when I probe him about it he just says “he can’t give me the wedding I want” (not sure what sort of wedding he thinks I want because even I don’t know that!) and I respond “it’s not the wedding I want it’s the marriage”. Still no proposal.

I’ve joked to have no more children until I am married. Seems to have little effect!

I didn’t think I’d be that bothered, but out of our group of friends we are the only couple still not married. I’m starting to get upset when I see friends or others I know that are getting engaged, because I am not. I know that sounds so pathetic! I just want to be his wife and he be my husband, but do I sit and wait for it to potentially never happen?

I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m forcing him down the aisle and I’d like him to marry me because he wants to and he sees his future with me. I don’t want him to propose because he thinks it’s what he should do / because he thinks I’ll leave otherwise.

I just feel a bit deflated by it all really and starting to struggle handling my emotions surrounding it..

I am very aware I probably sound like a needy / spoilt wench! Just need to vent to people who don’t know me I guess!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 09/09/2021 15:38

@Hekatestorch

Both me and my brother took our spouses names when we married. Because we hated our own and because we had, had several surnames during our childhood (due to mum's marriages) that we had been known by. Though not legally changed

So weren't particularly attached to our legal name. Hence both changing it.

Don't see the big deal about name changing. The vast majority are given our surname at birth but just because its our dad's. Don't really see how it's worse to choose to change it again.

And yes @DrSbaitso, women changing their name on marriage is seen as acceptable. A man just changing his surname randomly is likely to face lots more questions and judgments.

this is not unusual tbh

ProfessionalWeirdo · 09/09/2021 15:56

My surname has annoyed me so much that I'd be tempted to change it even if not married, marriage just provided an early opportunity to do it.

Me too. I hated my childhood surname. It was very vulnerable to being mispronounced, which not only left me vulnerable to all sorts of horrible nicknames, but also meant that I was constantly having to correct people's pronunciation (which made me sound horribly pretentious). I was only too glad to ditch it when I got married - but even if I'd stayed single I would have been sorely tempted to change it anyway.

MissEarlGrey · 09/09/2021 16:06

What EllieRoses said. Propose to him and have a cheap registry office wedding, because it’s 2021!!

mobear · 09/09/2021 16:08

@QueenBee52 It is easy to say that when you don't know the last names, but I am in the same situation as NorthernSoul55 and opted to give DC his father's last name. It has been a constant annoyance to me having to spell out my last name for my entire life to the point I have considered changing it but I couldn't be bothered with the paperwork, and it also comes right at the end of the alphabet. I wouldn't want DC to go through that, not when there is an easily accessible name for him which is both easy to pronounce and spell.

QueenBee52 · 09/09/2021 16:30

[quote mobear]@QueenBee52 It is easy to say that when you don't know the last names, but I am in the same situation as NorthernSoul55 and opted to give DC his father's last name. It has been a constant annoyance to me having to spell out my last name for my entire life to the point I have considered changing it but I couldn't be bothered with the paperwork, and it also comes right at the end of the alphabet. I wouldn't want DC to go through that, not when there is an easily accessible name for him which is both easy to pronounce and spell.[/quote]

and what of your Siblings or Parents Grandparents .. did they too change their Surname due to the difficulty in spelling it ..

Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 16:41

@OrangeTortoise I actually earn significantly more than he does (around £10k more a year). He pays the mortgage and a few finance-y bits or any home Reno bits we do, and I pay utility bills / food bill / child care / car loan.

I think for me it boils down to the fact I am quite old fashioned and love the idea of marriage. I wasn’t planning on having children before marriage but thing happen and I don’t regret having my son before I was married. I would be happy with a small registry office wedding, I am not one for all eyes on me, la-dee-da wedding. I’d love my dad to walk me down the aisle, but have made peace with the fact that may not happen for me.

He has said in the past “he needs to pull his finger out and marry me” ….. but then nothing happens and I guess I just feel like he’s dangled the carrot and nothing has happened abs I feel a bit “????” About it all.

For me, him proposing would just solidify all the other commitments we have made to each other and I know that probably makes me sound like a loser and a bit wet, but it is just how I feel. I really love him but feel like I may be waiting for something that just isn’t going to happen.

I’ll have a serious talk about it tonight as I don’t think he really has a clue about the “grown up” side of being married.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 09/09/2021 16:44

I think for me it boils down to the fact I am quite old fashioned and love the idea of marriage. I wasn’t planning on having children before marriage but thing happen and I don’t regret having my son before I was married.

well you're not old fashioned otherwise you're precious children wouldn't be here 🌸

good luck with the chat tonight OP

Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 16:46

Oh and just to add, DS has DPs surname as I hate mine and haven’t seen my biological father for years, who wouldn’t let my mum change my surname as a child because he was a horrible, horrible man.

If my surname was changed and I had my step father’s name, DS would probably have double barrelled name.

OP posts:
mobear · 09/09/2021 16:48

@QueenBee52 It wasn’t an issue for my father or his parents as it is a common name where they are from but not in the country my father chose to have an raise me and my brother. I know it also irritates my brother but, again, not enough to go through all the paperwork involved in changing it.

mobear · 09/09/2021 16:49

*have and raise me, my father emigrated.

QueenBee52 · 09/09/2021 16:51

[quote mobear]@QueenBee52 It wasn’t an issue for my father or his parents as it is a common name where they are from but not in the country my father chose to have an raise me and my brother. I know it also irritates my brother but, again, not enough to go through all the paperwork involved in changing it.[/quote]

Aahh ok I understand thank you

Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 16:52

@Mulletsaremisunderstood I’ve been at work all day and not had a chance to even glance at my phone! Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
anonnancy · 09/09/2021 16:53

@QueenBee52 thanks. Have a feeling won’t be a nice chat, but needs to be done. puts big girl pants on x

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/09/2021 17:04

OP, there is NOTHING wet/sad/clingy about wanting to marry the person you love and have a child with.

You sound like a lovely woman who badly needs to reflect on your value and worth.

You deserve more that the run around.Flowers

Annoyedanddissapointed · 09/09/2021 17:05

For me, him proposing would just solidify all the other commitments we have made to each other

So would "yes" if you asked. I always think that women rather wait all sad around in hope because they are afraid to hear "no" and having to deal with the fallout

SoundBar · 09/09/2021 17:08

I'm confused OP why not just book the dates for the registry office and tell him this is what's happening? Are you waiting for him to propose

SoundBar · 09/09/2021 17:09

And if so why, it won't make a difference to the legal protection you and DC will have once you're married Wink just get the registry done

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 17:14

So was your son unplanned?

How did your P react to that?

Funny that he loves being a dad which is a huge change but can't get his head around marrying you.

I don't think your £10K extra income over his is a huge amount.
At the height of his career my DH earned 3 x what I'd have earned as as a professional had I worked f/t.

I don't think the £10K warrants you paying out all you are.

I know everyone does things differently with finances, but when I married, we had a joint account and all we earned went into it.
For tax/savings reasons, we had separate savings accounts.

We never ever had a his money/ my money thing.

I am under the impression, that you have nagged him about being married and even your post mentions 'putting a ring' on, focusing on the ceremony of being walked up the aisle, rather than the hard nosed part of marriage = commitment, inheritances, wills, tax, etc.

Out of interest, how old are you both?

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 17:15

@SoundBar

I'm confused OP why not just book the dates for the registry office and tell him this is what's happening? Are you waiting for him to propose
If he has made it clear that he doesn't want to marry, why should the OP book a registry office?

He says he doesn't want to marry her.

As in the subject line of her thread !

peboh · 09/09/2021 17:15

I may sound cynical, but for me the only reason a person doesn't want to marry is because they don't see the relationship going the distance. They're allowing one foot to be out the door.

LifeIsTricky · 09/09/2021 17:18

If you otherwise have a good relationship, I would talk to him. Stress how important this is for you, and see what he says. Could it be related to the fact you earn more than him? Male pride is a real thing. You will get a lot of people saying LTB, but if he is otherwise a good Dad and Partner, I would talk to him super honestly about it all, and if it turns out he really will never ask you. Then let him know that could be a deal breaker for you, so that he is fully informed of the potential outcomes. He may not fully understand how serious this is for you, and that the outcome could be you leaving, so giving him the full picture and open and honest communication. Good luck OP

QueenBee52 · 09/09/2021 17:19

@SoundBar

I'm confused OP why not just book the dates for the registry office and tell him this is what's happening? Are you waiting for him to propose

isn't this considered kidnapping 🤣

Mama1980 · 09/09/2021 17:20

Good luck op.
I think you need to decide where your line in the sand is here - will you stay without marriage? Is this enough for you to leave?

Sakura7 · 09/09/2021 17:23

For me, him proposing would just solidify all the other commitments we have made to each other and I know that probably makes me sound like a loser and a bit wet

I think you really need to get this idea out of your head.

It is completely normal to want to get married, and it's what you want in order to move your relationship forward. That is absolutely valid and is a position most women would share in your shoes.

You want to get married. Accept that, own that, and don't try to convince yourself that you shouldn't want it out of fear of being a loser (honestly that is just teenage stuff, and if your DP tries to make you feel that way he's a twat).

Know your mind and stick to your guns when you have the chat tonight. Good luck.

TheWernethWife · 09/09/2021 17:25

My friend gave her children her partners name, they had been together for over four years.

He then left her with a 3 year old and a newborn and went off with his new squeeze. He's marrying this one though.

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