To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

@LookAtMoiPloise unfortunately it's what kids do sometimes and having to listen to other peoples noise is a symptom of having neighbours. If it was all the time and clear the parents were doing nothing about it then perhaps she could have a word but it doesn't sound like it is? For me, unless I was ok to fall out with my neighbours, I wouldn't be speaking to them about changing their behaviour when the impact sounds relatively minimal especially given summer is nearly over and it's unlikely she will hear them again until next year when perhaps the child will be older and "better" behaved.

I would be seriously pissed off if a neighbour took it upon themselves to give me parenting advice. I'm sure they are aware their child is having tantrums and are trying to do something about it. You sticking your oar in won't help anything.

But it's not parenting advice is it. It's informing you that you allowing your child to scream and tantrum in the garden all day, is really affecting the other people around you. It's then down to you, as to how considerate you are towards other people as to what you do.

If there was for some reason, nothing I could do about DTwins screaming all day, then they'd be mainly indoors, so I was causing my neighbours as little disruption as possible. Not outdoors because it's better for me than them screaming under my feet.

DTwins were outside yesterday. One found a deflated rugby ball in the hedge. Which was suddenly the holy grail. Cue the grabbing and fighting over said holy grail. With twins, the only thing worse than no rugby ball, is one rugby ball. So the rugby ball went in the shed and their shouty little red faces got taken indoors, because that behaviour isn't acceptable. And we had 5 minutes of indoor tantrums at the loss of the rugby ball, then they moved on, and we went outside again maybe half an hour later. Next door has a newborn baby and my screaming toddlers aren't waking him up because they aren't getting their own way and I'm leaving them to it. I could have just shut the door and carried on indoors in peace. It's called being respectful. Today, we'll blow up the flat rugby ball and pop to Argos to get a second.

@peppapigfangirl

YABU

I would be seriously pissed off if a neighbour took it upon themselves to give me parenting advice. I'm sure they are aware their child is having tantrums and are trying to do something about it. You sticking your oar in won't help anything.

You could just parent better so no one needs to say anything

unfortunately it's what kids do

Absolutely not.

It's what some kids are allowed to do when their parents have no respect or consideration for other people or their surroundings.

@TwinsandTrifle thank you - I actually agree that it's unlikely this particular child has SEN and also I hadn't picked up on the fact that the term 'meltdown' has a particular resonance for a lot of people.

And, just to reiterate, I am not asking anyone to gag their children or suggesting that SEN children should not be allowed play outside. I'm not only used to NT children. I live in a noisy urban area, very close to a PRU, a school for young people with additional needs and a primary school and a large academy. There is a lot of child and young people-related noise and very little of it bothers me. The suggestion that I should simply move somewhere with no neighbours is obviously ridiculous. This particular kid really got to me yesterday (though DD, who, as I said, can see more from her window, is now suggesting the most shrill noise actually comes from a combination of youngest and medium sibling who she reckons are pretty much as loud as each other). Anyway, what bothers me is the fact that the parents only seem to intervene very occasionally and I do wonder if they simply have no idea how loud it is in our garden / house but I do appreciate that there are things I may not know about so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt rather than risk making them feel awful.

Anyway, what bothers me is the fact that the parents only seem to intervene very occasionally and I do wonder if they simply have no idea how loud it is in our garden

Yes, this is the tricky bit. They do know exactly how loud their children are. We all do as parents. If your DD went outside and starting yelling at the top of her lungs, you wouldn't be unaware would you. Because this is the level of shrill screaming it is (I know exactly what you mean, it's ear splitting, my boy twin does it when he's excited and it goes right through me, but he's 1.5 so not quite down with reasoning yet.)

So essentially, what you're faced with, is, how successful will I be, in informing parents who already don't care about how their children are affecting the people that live around them, that said children are affecting me directly.

Your only hope is that they are suitably embarrassed by you highlighting their lack of parenting is affecting you. At best, they might do something about it. At worst, they'll just continue to be inconsiderate gits. You haven't lost anything by speaking to them. If we were staying here, I'd say something to the household that behaves the same here. It's unbearable. I couldn't endure another year of it. And neither should anyone have too.

@TwinsandTrifle

unfortunately it's what kids do

Absolutely not.

It's what some kids are allowed to do when their parents have no respect or consideration for other people or their surroundings.

Absolutely.

My DM would never have just accepted that behaviour as normal and simply shrugged her shoulders.

@Strokethefurrywall

A loud "STOP FUCKING SCREAMING" over the fence might work. Might not, but at least you've tried to do something about it.

I’d be very tempted to go to the fence and scream at the screamer. It just might shock him into shutting up.

@CounsellorTroi lol we did wonder if all four of us should stand by the fence together and scream at the top of our lungs next time it starts up. We won't of course but, as you say, tempting.

I have the same issue with my neighbours , one of their children only seems to scream , hit their siblings and bite .
The parents have positioned all their kids play equipment as far away from their own house and against neighbours fences.
I have tried to engage with the family only to be met with hostility so now when it all kicks off I just smile to myself knowing it's not my child and knowing that it's winter soon and the melt downs will be happening indoors and they can't escape that

@Sparklfairy

This will be an unpopular opinion but I don't think kids should be impacting on neighbours just because "they can't help it". Bring them inside.

No, I totally agree. Same as yapping dogs, I’ve one at the end of my garden, they shut it in a cage and just let it bark for hours. Last night it was barking away at nearly midnight. I want to enjoy the last few nice days of summer and it pisses me off that people can be so inconsiderate.

The parents have positioned all their kids play equipment as far away from their own house and against neighbours fences.

Yep. They are too selfish and lazy to parent their screamers, so they locate them as far away from their house as possible. Solved their problem. Not a care that now everyone else has to suffer it.

I have tried to engage with the family only to be met with hostility

Yep. Because that's how inconsiderate oafs behave. And I have no doubt you were the unreasonable one, because clearly you have a problem with innocent children playing and of course, it's just what all children do...

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken yes but not daily multiple times a day , allowing child to be upset that many times by siblings if they have sen is irresponsible as well. Sorry but we all should consider others around us as well, so many on here have said tough to everyone else
Maybe your neighbours child has sen and loud screaming they find hard to deal with, yet on here it only seems to matter how it affects you according to mist others

@TwinsandTrifle yes exactly this , my cousins don has sen but he still has rules and boundariea etc , just things handled differently and approached in another way.

@peppapigfangirl well if the cap fits , they clearly don't parent as the op says they rarely address it
If someones dog barked all day bet you would complain ?? Whats the difference ?

Air horn, spark it up when noise escalates, i can guarantee it will stop them in their tracks 😂
seriously though i love hearing the kids next door and a few doors down the terrace out playing, the giggling and chat is nice BUT the little girl a few doors down is a squealer and for some reason squealing really gets to me, i am hoping she will grow out of it.

And I'll tell you right now, there's a hell of a lot of shit parents who do nothing to help their child, then dress it up as "how dare you comment on his behaviour, it's alllllll his SEN" this is sadly true.

That said if your child has loud verbal stims or Tourette’s then there’s little to disciplined as both are fairly intractable. Some disabilities do mean you can’t keep quiet and I personally do think it sounds much re like their are additional needs than anything else.

Your twins actually sound hilarious, @TwinsandTrifle- I’m imaging the fight over the rugby ball now, and can’t help thinking about the twins in Peep Show (the father Super Hans, the genius friend of Jeremy). You never see/meet the twins afaik but they also sound like real characters!

@Flawedperfection

Your twins actually sound hilarious, *@TwinsandTrifle*- I’m imaging the fight over the rugby ball now, and can’t help thinking about the twins in Peep Show (the father Super Hans, the genius friend of Jeremy). You never see/meet the twins afaik but they also sound like real characters!

'I'll never forgive orange if they've deleted the twins!'

I'm the kind of person who'd just speak to the kid. But in a friendly manner. I've done things like it before where I've said, "Hey hey hey! Blimey kiddo! What's all the screeching for? Poor old me is getting a headache over here!"
And for the older ones who know they're doing it to be dicks, it's a "Really? Screaming, guys? Come on now, give it a rest! No one wants to hear that". (Imagine it in my Northern accent. It sounds a lot less dickish and the kids do stop 9 times out of 10)

Any parents overhearing have either apologised or used it as a tool to encourage the kids to stop as well. ("See Billy! I told you to be quiet! Now you're annoying the neighbours!")

YADNBU.

SEN seems to be the excuse/ get out clause nowadays for not actually being able to control/reprimand your dc.

My eldest has autism and meltdowns and I've never inflicted that on others by just leaving her to it and saying "tough, she has asd and can't help it".

That doesn't mean I shouldn't do my best to minimise disruption/annoyabce to others.

If she started having a meltdown in the middle of a food shop, for example, I would simply leave the trolley and take her home and finish my shopping later (without her).

If in a restaurant, one of us would take her outside to the car until calm or we'd all go home and take what's left of the meal with us.
We certainly didn't stay there expecting every other diner to put up listening to it as seems the norm nowadays.

SEN isn't an excuse to not bother and inflict poor behaviour on others without at least trying to mitigate it. Even dc with SEN need boundaries and consequences.

That's just lazy and seems to be this entitled attitude that's so prevalent now. People just seem so selfish nowadays. I would never put mine or my dc enjoyment above other people's. If mine were spoiling it for others I'd remove them because I'm considerate of others and I would hope others would do the same.

You may not be able to prevent it, but you can try to minimise the affect on others who also have the same rights... having SEN doesn't mean your rights supersede others.

Ah, thank you. They are wonderful. Can't take your eyes away for a second though. I always remember a fellow twin mum telling me "it feels like so many more than just two of them" and this is so true.

I'm no smug super mum, but when I read these threads and think, FFS, I've got toddler twins, and an elder with SEN and somehow I'm managing to parent all three, that I have little patience for excuses. I don't make them, and boy am I in the prime position to peddle them out. We all have our days when we let our children be a little more feral than usual, because we're at the end of our tether. But there's a difference between on occasion, and every occasion.

I hope OP gets the peace she deserves.

@Hogwarts4Christmas amen xx

It's so weird that the consensus is that you shouldn't play music in your garden, but that parents have absolutely no responsibility to prevent their children from literally screaming in the garden.

I think you'd be well within your rights to have a polite, friendly word and just mention that the noise is carrying. If they don't want to do anything, no harm no foul. Most people are pretty reasonable though, and will at least try.

@Threearm

I'd probably laugh in your face if I were your neighbour.

Would you? So you think that it's reasonable to expect others to put up with your child screaming do you?