To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

@toystoyseverywhere can you not bring your child jndoors when they do this and say they cannot go back outside if they continue to behave like that ? Why can't you do anything ?

@drpaddington the difference is you are trying and like you said if outside you would bring him in

@Flawedperfection - I can't believe your comment! If the child has autism, the parents have quite likely tried a variety of tactics already. If the OP doesn't like it, she should move to somewhere with no neighbours. What exactly do you think parents of SEN children should do, lock their children indoors?

The weather is going shit tomorrow OP so I'd wait until next summer and see if he's grown out of it

[quote LazySundayPlease]@Flawedperfection - I can't believe your comment! If the child has autism, the parents have quite likely tried a variety of tactics already. If the OP doesn't like it, she should move to somewhere with no neighbours. What exactly do you think parents of SEN children should do, lock their children indoors? [/quote]
Again; nobody knows the child has SEN.
For the love of God - move somewhere with no neighbours?!
Why wouldn't you suggest the parents of the screamer do that?

My next door neighbours had a little boy. He was spoilt. He was allowed to chip in on adult conversations and he was rude to his mother from a very early age.
They doted on him but I thought he was obnoxious.

When he was about 10 they had another child. Every time he was alone in the garden with the new child he hit her and she screamed.

I don't think they knew how to deal with it.
As time went on, the child screamed if the boy came anywhere near her, and one summer when something awful had happened to me and I wanted to be able to sit in my garden, all I heard was this awful endless screaming.
It made me go a bit mental.
The parents ignored it.

I didn't.
One day after having to listen to this fucking horrible noise I went ballistic and shouted at them to shut up screaming. Just.. shut up.

It worked. But by now I had lost the plot and we do not speak anymore.
Stupid people.

OP there are times when the only way forward is the direct approach. One poster spoke about stopping her dog barking and it reminded me of a situation here when I was very new. A small and very very quiet island. There was a dog barking night after night and hour after hour. I asked the neighbour whose it was but he said he did not know.
Then I realised it was in fact their collie; working dogs are chained up outside at night.
I tried mentioning it to no avail.
One very quiet night it went on hour after hour and around two am I snapped. Phoned then and asked them please to stop their dog barking.
The following morning? A row. That I had woken their old mother and she was very upset in case It was family who live away , saying how old she is etc; As I replied she is only a few years older than I am... A slight pause then on he ranted.
Apparently they did not hear the dog???????
I stood my ground and mentioned the laws over here, this not being the first time a dog has been left out and barked all night. Between eleven and eight. Illegal and so prevalent is it that fok can take a person to court without s solicitor for only E twenty. You have to write a formal letter advising them of your intentions and this has always been enough. Yes I have had to do that a few times.
At the word GARDAi, he backed down totally and thereafter no more barking.

I knowhow different your situation is but? I told the man the noise was seriously disturbing as this is for you .
They may well just not be thinking or realising this; they are so inured to it that it is a normal noise to them.

There needs to be some real communication about it surely? A reason given that they may respond to? Maybe you are unwell and unable to rest in the daytime as you need to? YOU know...And would be so very very grateful if the children could play more quietly...…

I've got three kids. We've just moved to a house with a garden- first time we've ever had our own patch of grass. Anyway- none are sen but youngest two are prone to screech- especially middle child who can thrown a tantrum like nothing I've ever seen before. Eldest has just lost the ability to control the volume of her voice for reasons unknown- I assume she can't judge the fact that she's in a garden, not a park🤦🏼‍♀️. When we moved in I went and spoke to both neighbours and apologised in advance for any noise and asked them to let me know if they were being disturbed- after living in a tiny flat with no outdoor space during lockdowns I know how important outdoors is! I'd be mortified if my Ratbags were preventing them enjoying their space. I often tell them to calm down/ quieten down and if the tantrums/screeching doesn't stop quickly then they're hoicked in to the house and the doors/ windows closed. I have no doubt that people can still hear them outside as they're bloody loud but at least I'm trying to mitigate the noise.

Yanbu. I think even if there is Sen then the parents know that- you've spoken to them over the fence so they could apologise to you about the noise and ask if it bothers you/ let you know they're aware of the screeching/ if they're doing something to try and stop it (not saying they should tell you if there is Sen obvs). Hopefully the one making all the racket will be off to school shortly (if not already) and will mature/ not be there to make the noise. If not then I certainly wouldn't be offended with someone coming to me and letting me know my kids were bothering them.

I would be embarrassed to be told what noise was going on whilst the kids were alone outside and would definitely want to know. I wouldn't dislike you for pointing out how annoying we were. Just because my step child has SEN doesn't mean my neighbour should suffer.

@worriedatthemoment ahhh how simple life would be if this approach actually worked!!

I agree that it would work with the vast majority of children but not with mine who has additional needs. Then that would mean other tactics would also help in other areas of day to day life unfortunately it doesn't.

I don't mean this to sound you know at all but other posters have already explained about their children with additional needs.

@toystoyseverywhere if the child has additional needs though you wouldn't allow him out on his own with siblings who wind him up easily etc and i know plenty of people who have children with additional needs who would still be mindful of others in their gardens if its a daily occurrence throughout the day and would use other tactics etc ,

@worriedatthemoment

Sometimes, parents of disabled children need a break and if that means letting them scream in the garden for a little bit, I’m not going to judge them for it.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be.

I can't believe some of the replies on here. The child may just be a screamer. Even if he has SEN it doesn't mean the neighbours should have to put up with this. In fact if the child does have SEN I am surprised the parents haven't been round to explain to the neighbour why they can't control the noise. SEN or no SEN it's your child - other people shouldn't have to be impacted by them to this extent

We have the same rules but I also understand that my children are NT and as such, I don’t get to make judgements on other parents or their children whose circumstances I have zero information about other than one of their children has meltdowns.

My eldest has SEN and was not enabled to scream in the garden any more than DTwins are now. Calling parents out for their shit parenting, is not judging. I get really annoyed with this trying to deflect and excuse shit parenting with words like SEN or disabled, that people are supposed to be intimidated by, as any further comment they can be accused of being "disablist" or "just don't understand children with SEN". And they're neither. I've got 13yrs experience of SEN, my own child, and support groups. And I'll tell you right now, there's a hell of a lot of shit parents who do nothing to help their child, then dress it up as "how dare you comment on his behaviour, it's alllllll his SEN". There are also a lot of parents who don't hide behind SEN as a get out of jail free card, and the difference in how their children are behaved is notable. And yes I'm well aware every child is different. I've seen enough over a decade to know it's frequently not down to the child. Being a SEN parent is hard. Bloody hard at times. That's half the reason why some are too lazy to do it.

Firstly, this child doesn't sound like he has SEN, it's only being thrown around because people have just jumped on the word meltdown and made their own association. Try swapping OPs use of meltdown, with tantrum, then perhaps this can be discussed properly, as a screaming brat that isn't parented.

What exactly do you think parents of SEN children should do, lock their children indoors?

And this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Unless I let my SEN child do what he likes, scream, shout, disrupt, then the only other option is to "lock him indoors". Please.

The other option is to parent my child. To take him inside and let him return when he has calmed down. To go outside with him, and address what is causing the screaming. To take him to the park, where the noise level is acceptably much higher. There are many things I can do rather than churn out the lazy excuse of "ohhhhhhhhhh, I should lock my SEN child indoors, should I?" as if that's any kind of answer, or remotely what is being suggested.

@TwinsandTrifle

We have the same rules but I also understand that my children are NT and as such, I don’t get to make judgements on other parents or their children whose circumstances I have zero information about other than one of their children has meltdowns.

My eldest has SEN and was not enabled to scream in the garden any more than DTwins are now. Calling parents out for their shit parenting, is not judging. I get really annoyed with this trying to deflect and excuse shit parenting with words like SEN or disabled, that people are supposed to be intimidated by, as any further comment they can be accused of being "disablist" or "just don't understand children with SEN". And they're neither. I've got 13yrs experience of SEN, my own child, and support groups. And I'll tell you right now, there's a hell of a lot of shit parents who do nothing to help their child, then dress it up as "how dare you comment on his behaviour, it's alllllll his SEN". There are also a lot of parents who don't hide behind SEN as a get out of jail free card, and the difference in how their children are behaved is notable. And yes I'm well aware every child is different. I've seen enough over a decade to know it's frequently not down to the child. Being a SEN parent is hard. Bloody hard at times. That's half the reason why some are too lazy to do it.

Firstly, this child doesn't sound like he has SEN, it's only being thrown around because people have just jumped on the word meltdown and made their own association. Try swapping OPs use of meltdown, with tantrum, then perhaps this can be discussed properly, as a screaming brat that isn't parented.

What exactly do you think parents of SEN children should do, lock their children indoors?

And this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Unless I let my SEN child do what he likes, scream, shout, disrupt, then the only other option is to "lock him indoors". Please.

The other option is to parent my child. To take him inside and let him return when he has calmed down. To go outside with him, and address what is causing the screaming. To take him to the park, where the noise level is acceptably much higher. There are many things I can do rather than churn out the lazy excuse of "ohhhhhhhhhh, I should lock my SEN child indoors, should I?" as if that's any kind of answer, or remotely what is being suggested.

Very well said!

@TwinsandTrifle

We have the same rules but I also understand that my children are NT and as such, I don’t get to make judgements on other parents or their children whose circumstances I have zero information about other than one of their children has meltdowns.

My eldest has SEN and was not enabled to scream in the garden any more than DTwins are now. Calling parents out for their shit parenting, is not judging. I get really annoyed with this trying to deflect and excuse shit parenting with words like SEN or disabled, that people are supposed to be intimidated by, as any further comment they can be accused of being "disablist" or "just don't understand children with SEN". And they're neither. I've got 13yrs experience of SEN, my own child, and support groups. And I'll tell you right now, there's a hell of a lot of shit parents who do nothing to help their child, then dress it up as "how dare you comment on his behaviour, it's alllllll his SEN". There are also a lot of parents who don't hide behind SEN as a get out of jail free card, and the difference in how their children are behaved is notable. And yes I'm well aware every child is different. I've seen enough over a decade to know it's frequently not down to the child. Being a SEN parent is hard. Bloody hard at times. That's half the reason why some are too lazy to do it.

Firstly, this child doesn't sound like he has SEN, it's only being thrown around because people have just jumped on the word meltdown and made their own association. Try swapping OPs use of meltdown, with tantrum, then perhaps this can be discussed properly, as a screaming brat that isn't parented.

What exactly do you think parents of SEN children should do, lock their children indoors?

And this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Unless I let my SEN child do what he likes, scream, shout, disrupt, then the only other option is to "lock him indoors". Please.

The other option is to parent my child. To take him inside and let him return when he has calmed down. To go outside with him, and address what is causing the screaming. To take him to the park, where the noise level is acceptably much higher. There are many things I can do rather than churn out the lazy excuse of "ohhhhhhhhhh, I should lock my SEN child indoors, should I?" as if that's any kind of answer, or remotely what is being suggested.

Oh wow. This is actually surprisingly reasonable for MN! You are a good parent.

Why is everything on mumsnet explained by having SEN.

Currently the percentage of children with a EHC plan in place is 3.7%

If you have a child that has continued screening meltdowns throughout the day which would also be at school if it’s that consistent. I imagine they would have a EHC in place.
3.7% is not very many! So it seems highly likely that most of these screaming monsters do not actually have SEN

YABU

I would be seriously pissed off if a neighbour took it upon themselves to give me parenting advice. I'm sure they are aware their child is having tantrums and are trying to do something about it. You sticking your oar in won't help anything.

Very well said @TwinsandTrifle

@peppapigfangirl

YABU

I would be seriously pissed off if a neighbour took it upon themselves to give me parenting advice. I'm sure they are aware their child is having tantrums and are trying to do something about it. You sticking your oar in won't help anything.

It’s not parenting advice - the kids behaviour is impacting everyone. You underestimate the ability of some parents to ignore their child s behaviour. Ever seen kids run riot at a restaurant and parents indulgently smiling?

@Excelthetube very true. It is very unlikely the child has any SEN. And if he does, then the parents are aware, and know that they have to adjust how they parent him.

How I keep DS quiet and the way I have to parent him is completely different to DTwins. I don't just not parent him because "Can you be quiet please?" has no effect, then declare it's his SEN and it's impossible. It's my responsibility to teach him what is acceptable, even if it feels like I'm banging my head against a wall, as I remind him twenty times a day.

The children that are screaming all day at the end of our garden do not have SEN. With the direct exposure to many SEN groups and my own DD, I can be 99% sure of that. I've heard them enough, for long enough, to understand it's just bad behaviour with zero parental intervention. Which sounds exactly the same as OP. However, we're looking to move asap, so I'm enduring it.

@TractorAndHeadphones the OP said she wanted to say this 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down'. Sounds like parenting advice to me!!

@peppapigfangirl

YABU

I would be seriously pissed off if a neighbour took it upon themselves to give me parenting advice. I'm sure they are aware their child is having tantrums and are trying to do something about it. You sticking your oar in won't help anything.

And you don't think your neighbour would be 'pretty pissed off' having to listen to screaming kids?

Oops, seriously**

[quote peppapigfangirl]@TractorAndHeadphones the OP said she wanted to say this 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down'. Sounds like parenting advice to me!![/quote]
Maybe they should take the advice then!