To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

Please tread very carefully, my niece has SEN, during lockdown a neighbour made a complaint to the council about the noise levels from her meltdowns. No attempt had been made to speak to my sister first. It was a horrible horrible experience, thankfully the council didn't pursue it when my sister explained the situation. I am not suggesting that you would do this OP but I just want you to know that you may not have the full picture.

@toystoyseverywhere

One of mine is somewhat similar. Nothing can be done about it and I don't mean this to sound harsh but run the risk of it happening when you have neighbours!

Nothing I can do about my child screaming in a very similar fashion same as biggering. I think your neighbours would have already tried a lot and you mentioning it to them would likely cause bad feeling and some sour relations....

On the plus side at least you will hear less soon enough!

What a load of rubbish! You can make them come inside until they stop screaming, it's called parenting.

Thanks @TwinsandTrifle, we spent several years having shopping trips and meals out disrupted due to her behaviour, but being consistent meant that she also eventually learnt to behave appropriately in public, especially if it was something she was interested in doing.

We adjusted how we did things and taught her techniques to help her manage her own emotions, eg, by allowing her to bring earphones in a restaurant so if the noise of others got too much so could put them in and quietly listen to music to drown out their noise, and so avoid a meltdown, a we worked out this is what used to trigger her meltdowns when younger, but she couldn't articulate it to us at the time.

We've given her ways of coping in a many situations as possible so that she can fit into the world with others as this gives her the best chance of being independent.

*as we

*as many.....bloody autocorrect keeps changing 'as' to 'a'

@me4real

YABU because as PP's say he may well have ASD or something.

did wonder if the child has SEN but it is likely, if that were the case, that the parents would just leave them alone in the garden to be wound up to the point of hysteria by their siblings

Children with disabilities have the same rights to have the same standard of life as any other child.

The time of people with disabilities being kept locked behind closed doors I'd hope has been over/less common for many years.

So the poor SEN child has the right to be wound up by his or her siblings to the point of hysteria? Why is the solution to OP's complaint to lock up the SEN child rather than stop their older NT children from winding their sibling up by doing some actual parenting?

I'd have a talk if it were so bad, it'll be awkward but sounds like they're neglecting parenting duties and it's not fare to those around them.

I've got 3children under 6 myself and they would on occasion get too loud if playing in the garden but part of parenting them is teaching them how to behave appropriately. When mine are too loud because obviously they're not perfect, then they know they'll be made to come inside for a bit to cool down.

Unless there was a difficulty with sen and it was also ongoing I'd take to stepping in for the parents and gently tell the child off myself. Something like "is everything OK, you're screaming really loudly and I'm worried you're hurt..."

@Hogwarts4Christmas you sound like such a great parent.

This is tricky. I understand why it annoys you, I get annoyed when neighbours make noise around bedtime / nap time etc but equally I expect they get annoyed when my phone toddler is shouting in the garden and they're relaxing.

I'm not sure this is something that they need to modify particularly but I understand it's irritating.

We live in a detached house now as I used to despise hearing day to day living of our neighbours in a semi. Equally we have a loud toddler who's up early and I don't suppose anyone else would appreciate hearing him at 5:45am.

We chose a cul de sac because I wanted him to be able to ride his bike in the street and have other kids to play with. It's perfect for those reasons but equally means we have to live with the fact we live in close proximity to a number of other houses and thus when outside there will be noise - particularly in nice weather.

I think you need to let this go, it's just kids being kids.

Suck it up, it won't be forever.

They probably can't do much about it. I recommend noise cancelling headphones.

I don’t accept that parents can abdicate responsibility for their children screaming and disturbing others even if they have SEN.
My twin granddaughters are both ASD and prone to large and prolonged meltdowns but my daughter just brings them back inside until they calm down as she doesn’t expect her neighbours to have to go through it with them.
It’s basic courtesy.

@Sparklfairy

This will be an unpopular opinion but I don't think kids should be impacting on neighbours just because "they can't help it". Bring them inside.

As a parent of dc with SEN I agree wholeheartedly with this. I know meltdowns are unavoidable at times, but there is no need to inflict them unnecessarily on your neighbours!

If you have a child, with SEN or not, that is prone to screaming or screeching in the garden, then you supervise them and bring them indoors as soon as they start screaming (before if at all possible!)...much like a decent neighbour would do with a dog that continuously barks in the garden!

My dc have been taught from a young age that you do not scream (anywhere, including in the garden) unless it is an emergency. Otherwise, if you were to have a genuine emergency no-one would know to come and help you... it doesn't always work but the least we can all do is TRY and minimise the effects on our neighbours .

@Almostwelsh

They probably can't do much about it. I recommend noise cancelling headphones.

Why can't they?

Ask from your side of the fence if he's ok. Every time. When the parents come out or comment just say that he sounds SO hurt and you were worried

If you have two children with sen (hypothetical) living next to each other.
One can not bear loud noise. It brings them to panic and tears, ok with normal level noise.
One is a screamer with long and common meltdowns throughout a day.

Both enjoy outdoors.
Which one "wins"?

Always curious about this mainly because any reaction to complains about noise is to essentially fuck off to middle of the field away from people.

@Hogwarts4Christmas

YADNBU.

SEN seems to be the excuse/ get out clause nowadays for not actually being able to control/reprimand your dc.

My eldest has autism and meltdowns and I've never inflicted that on others by just leaving her to it and saying "tough, she has asd and can't help it".

That doesn't mean I shouldn't do my best to minimise disruption/annoyabce to others.

If she started having a meltdown in the middle of a food shop, for example, I would simply leave the trolley and take her home and finish my shopping later (without her).

If in a restaurant, one of us would take her outside to the car until calm or we'd all go home and take what's left of the meal with us.
We certainly didn't stay there expecting every other diner to put up listening to it as seems the norm nowadays.

SEN isn't an excuse to not bother and inflict poor behaviour on others without at least trying to mitigate it. Even dc with SEN need boundaries and consequences.

That's just lazy and seems to be this entitled attitude that's so prevalent now. People just seem so selfish nowadays. I would never put mine or my dc enjoyment above other people's. If mine were spoiling it for others I'd remove them because I'm considerate of others and I would hope others would do the same.

You may not be able to prevent it, but you can try to minimise the affect on others who also have the same rights... having SEN doesn't mean your rights supersede others.

Exactly.

udgemental stares at parents trying to calm their kids in a shopping Center are uncalled for. They’re clearly trying.
Completely different to ignoring your screaming child.
It’s actually an insult to the hard work and dedication of SEN parents.

@Threearm

I'd probably laugh in your face if I were your neighbour.

Someone's going to have nasty spoiled kids! Congrats

Ignoring a screaming child is not going to help anyone, least of all the child.

I completely agree. I get infuriated at the concept that DS should be entitled to do as he pleases because he's got SEN. He can't be parented like a NT child, so I'm absolved of his behaviour? I don't think so.

The child is screaming continually outside. This is not a one off. It's relentless. And awful for everyone else trying to relax in their own home/garden.

In a nutshell:

Neighbour: "can you please parent your child?"

Lazy parent: "but he's got SEN"

Neighbour: "ok, can you please parent your SEN child?"

It's that simple.

Every time it happens I would pop your head over the fence and ask if they're ok. If they keep screaming I would then go round and say to the parents that you're a bit worried about x because he seems to be very upset and you thought you'd just let them know.

You must live near me OP. I have an identical neighbour. All their kids have been screamers. Even my own kids used to complain about the racket. I was tolerant when their children were very small because that’s what small children can be like obvs, but the youngest is now seven and think should really be told it’s not acceptable to go out into the garden every day and just scream your head off! He isn’t having a meltdown or a tantrum, doesn’t have special needs, he just needs telling. I honestly don’t know how the parents manage to tolerate it. Thank Christ they are back at school/childminders.

I’m sure the parents are already struggling with the meltdowns. They can’t stop it because it’s upsetting a neighbour. Also, the winter is in the way. We’ll all be inside with the Windows closed soon enough. He will probably be past this phase by next year!

I get infuriated at the concept that DS should be entitled to do as he pleases because he's got SEN. He can't be parented like a NT child, so I'm absolved of his behaviour? I don't think so. I think the idea that you can parent all behavioural problems out of a child is odd from someone who has a disabled child. Literally the “disability” is that you can’t work around it. Do you really think that, for example, people who make involuntary noises or have anxiety attacks (aka meltdowns) can just “try harder”. Of course the parents should and probably are trying to help their child, and I’m not suggesting that disability is a green card to do whatever you like, but no most nd children can’t “pass” all day everyday and I think the garden at home is probably a safe place to be yourself.

Tell your youngest to shout "Be Quiet, you naughty boy" over the fence when it happens.

Kids can get away with reprimanding other kids plus being embarrassed by someone his own age group may help if the screaming isnt part of something else.