To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

@GreyhoundG1rl because faux concern is SO lovely.

@5zeds

The child will be in school (if the LA provide an education) and it will get colder/wetter and they may be able to help him more as he grows older and his siblings become more aware.

Will you stop with the assumption that this child has a disability, it's both ridiculous and offensive. "If the LA provide an education"

My DS has ADHD and I'd say "If I tried that when he's in that state he'd hit me."

So many parents don't seem to realise how anti social this is, I was always told off for squealing outside when I was a kid, my mum obviously had respect for our neighbours

I would say yo ride it out for now and see how things go over the next couple of months as the weather turns, steady time in school and all that peer interaction takes effect, and he gets that little bit older. His siblings will be getting older too so hopefully won't be winding him up as much and they'll be in school as well so they're all getting a break from one another and can hopefully play nicer when together.

If its still going on after that then speak to them but be non-confrontational about it - "is everything okay with Little Timmy, he sounded very upset in the garden earlier?" is much better opening gambit than "we need to talk about your fucking kids...!"

even if it’s a child with autism or something, wtaf should the neighbours have to put up with its noise?

WRT to this comment - disabled people exist like, get the fuck over it.

As I said @GreyhoundG1rl it really depends on your own experience, mine is of disability so that seems more likely to me, yours is obviously of poor parenting so that’s your guess at the situation. If you don’t know that vast numbers of disabled children struggle to remain in school, especially with the behaviour OP describes then I don’t really know what to say other than, they do.

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable but as a parent those screams can be draining so I doubt highly they want to hear them as much as you so I don't think it's their ignorance. Sounds like he has special needs to me in which case I do feel for the parents. It'll be cold next week just suck it up.

My DS has ADHD and yes I leave him be. I'm not there to run to the rescue at school or at his friend's house. He knows that watching YouTube calms him down, I don't know what he does at school.

@5zeds

I often think about this when I read these kind of threads and see the SEN argument, it becomes a Top Trumps situation, when does a child with loud tendencies trump an adult with additional needs who is derailed by constant noise? people always trot out this sort of nonsense juggling conflicting needs is like breathing to most families with disabled members. I’d guess additional needs because that’s my experience, if you’re more familiar with delinquent parenting then I’d imagine that’s what you’d see. It’s reasonable to say something but it’s also really awful for families who through no fault of their own are dealing with noisy behaviour caused by disability.

Not quite - it’s often the needs of the disabled family member that trumps every one else’s. When there are multiple then either someone spends a lot of time mediating/managing. Which doesn’t mean that they just do nothing and let nature take its course. So it’s a valid question … if someone with SEN is loud at home and their SEN sibling has misphonia the onus isn’t going to be completely on either of them is it? Extend it to neighbours. Source: My own household with at least 2 diagnosed members(including myself) plus much experience managing teams with multiple SEN individuals.

If you must go round, take the parents a bottle of wine & tell them you appreciate how much they must be struggling with their DS meltdowns themselves & were thinking of them

I get this is annoying, but this sounds like a kid struggling to regulate themselves due to SN, trust me, if you struggle with the screaming, the parents are struggling way more

@alphabeticalabc

If my children scream in the garden then they come inside and sit in the conservatory. Every. Single. Time. I cannot bear screaming. It goes straight through me. If they are having a tantrum then they come in. Every. Single. Time. The 6 houses surrounding me don't want to hear that shit. I have friends that seem oblivious to screaming, or maybe it doesn't bother them in the way it bothers me, and their kids scream in the garden daily. I think different people have different expectations.

This, and thank god my neighbours are decent considerate people too.

My garden has been busy over the years with loads of children playing, the noise has been normal level laughing and having fun.

There is NO way I would tolerate mindless bratty screeching for a minute and if I did come across it, it would be shut down firmly.
Only the dregs allow their children scream endlessly uncorrected, for no reason, spoiling the peace for their neighbours.

So bloody selfish.
Thank god none of ours are like that.🙄

@Sparklfairy

This will be an unpopular opinion but I don't think kids should be impacting on neighbours just because "they can't help it". Bring them inside.

Quite.

@GreatBritishBummertime

Seems likely that the child has SEN/ASD if they are genuine daily meltdowns.

Just leave it be, enjoy your G&T with an ambient toddler scream and be pleased you don't need to respond.

An ambient toddler scream...?!!

Most MN response ever.

OP I was waiting for the "but what about if he has this to deal with, or the mum has depression or blah blah".

You are NBU, you know it.

If mine were doing this they'd be told off and left inside until they can behave like civilised humans who inhabit this world with other people who don't want to hear their fucking noise.

But I'm the MN tyrant in not wanting to indulge little Jonny and impact on my poor neighbour's lives.

We used to live next door to a couple of little girls who were thrown out in the garden at about 8 am on weekends. No SEN - parent also used to scream at them most of the day...

This was before we had children. Our DDs were never allowed to scream- once- warning- twice - straight indoors.

@TractorAndHeadphones

That's the quandary innit? It's all very chicken and fox and boat.

OP you made an error by saying "meltdown" because this is a common term with SEN children and people are jumping on that. I say this as a mum to a SEN child.

I know exactly what you are talking about. And the parents are twats, sorry. Because no one is that self absorbed that they don't realise continual screaming children is a ball ache for everyone else. They don't play music at that level in the garden because they know the volume would be unacceptable. But the answer here isn't a quick "turn the radio down" the answer here is parent your child, and that's too much like hard work for these people. They're just happier for the kid to be outside behaving like that, than inside where it's noisier for them.

We've got the same. One edge of our garden, there are three children in the house that backs on to it. An elder boy. A younger boy who screams everything he says "THAT WAS MY EYE GET OFF MY FOOT I WANT THE BLUE BALL GIVE ME THAT NOW MINE MINE MINE YOU LIAR I HAAAAATE YOU GET MY DRINK I WANT MY DRINK YOU TOUCHED MY DRINK GIVE ME THAT BIKE" and screaming as he runs. He frequently screams like he's being tortured when he doesn't get what he's demanding immediately. The girl screams as well. Like a child being chased would scream excitedly. It's an awful shrill noise that you can hear approaching from halfway down the road. This is continual as well. I can hear them with our windows closed. They are ill behaved brats. They came round and I saw the father hiding behind my car on the drive, pushing the children towards my house with a "go on" motion. The children knocked on my door and asked to retrieve the three balls they had booted over the hedge. And this pillock cowered behind my car the whole time. He wouldn't face me, because he knows damn well what his children do and didn't want to be accountable or have to do anything about it. He can't be arsed to parent them, and it shows with the behaviour that we all have to listen to as he chucks them in the garden screaming all day.

The problem is, you can't speak to someone like that. Sounds very much like the kind of person who was first to reply on this post. I feel for you OP. There are some ignorant people in this world.

@5zeds

As I said *@GreyhoundG1rl* it really depends on your own experience, mine is of disability so that seems more likely to me, yours is obviously of poor parenting so that’s your guess at the situation. If you don’t know that vast numbers of disabled children struggle to remain in school, especially with the behaviour OP describes then I don’t really know what to say other than, they do.

Wtf? I don't have experience of poor parenting, I'm just flabbergasted that you've diagnosed this child on the Internet on the basis that he screams when he's annoyed and his older siblings apparently don't. You haven't a notion that he struggles to remain in school This is frankly bizarre.

Our DDs were never allowed to scream- once- warning- twice - straight indoors.

Same with our DTwins. It's what any decent parent does, when they respect the other people in their surroundings.

Well I think it’s worth a shot at saying something.
It’s not ok and it’s obviously not ok for this child.
Hope it goes well @turndownthevolume

@TwinsandTrifle

Our DDs were never allowed to scream- once- warning- twice - straight indoors.

Same with our DTwins. It's what any decent parent does, when they respect the other people in their surroundings.

We have the same rules but I also understand that my children are NT and as such, I don’t get to make judgements on other parents or their children whose circumstances I have zero information about other than one of their children has meltdowns.

@GreyhoundG1rl I didn’t say he struggled to remain in school I said he WOULD be in school if one was provided so OP would have that time and he would be out less soon because the weather will make it harder to “play out”. I also pointed out that next year they will all be older. I didn’t say YOU were a poor parent but obviously if you’ve witnessed poor parenting that’s the conclusion you’d jump to. If you describe one child in a family with extreme behavioural problems then to me it is reasonable to assume it’s not a parenting issue.

@KellyanneConway

I honestly have sympathy with you and there was a thread on here a few months (years maybe) ago about how children who watch a lot of you tube (which is all of them in my experience) interact in high pitched shrieks and squeals - something about how some you tubers present themselves online. We had a family gathering tonight and my DSC (both NT, no additional needs) started with the long high pitched squeals when they got giddy/ started to play fight. Their friends do the same, you can hear them squealing at each other on speaker phone and online. It is very difficult to be around and their grandparents made a swift exit home when they started. My DH is sensitized to it now I think. It does seem to be a recent phenomena, my older DC and their friends could be rowdy but this squealing is something specifically painful to the ears.

Ahhh interesting - my nephews came to stay a few weeks ago so with my DS there are 3 of then aged between 11 and 13, they started making this incredibly annoying high pitched whooping noise and I was “ how old are you lot, please stop that now” but the You Tube thing makes sense

@Xmassprout maybe control their child or bring them in at least , what is it that people think they don't have to parent nowadays and have to show zero consideration for others