To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

I have never said anything about my child coming first on every occasion. What the heck are you on about??

So now I'm apparently one of THOSE parents who believe my bundle of joy has to come before absolutely everyone else in every single, possible situation?? That's nice. Yes I even think all my children should receive the gold star for sports day even when they're away at the back.... come on now, absolutely daftness with you claiming that.

I am entertained somewhat still by all the random and bizarre statements you keep on making! Carry on if you wish as I do like the bizarre!

@GreyhoundG1rl whatever you say.... whatever you say. You carry on with the cherry picking all you wish. Along with the blatant lack of basic understanding. Ignorance is bliss for some....

That would really annoy me OP. If my children start to argue in the garden I immediately tell them to stop. I don't like listening to it so I'm sure our neighbours don't either. I'm so sick of lazy parenting, no wonder some kids have no respect.

As apparently my non verbal child is now a "nuisance" how dare he express himself when he lacks the words to do so.

I don't know if you're doing this on purpose, otherwise it's a spectacular level of misunderstanding.

I'll try it again. For the last time, as I literally can't make it any simpler than this.

No one thinks your child is a nuisance because of any connection to SEN. People in their own home, will find a child next door, being enabled to shriek/scream/fight with siblings/holler/yell at a level that is highly disrupting on an ongoing basis, with no parental intervention a nuisance. And just to be even clearer. They aren't even annoyed at the child. SEN or not. You get that right? They are annoyed at an adult that shows no regard for the disruption they are causing other people in their homes.

@GreyhoundG1rl make mine a double

You literally interpret people's posts to suit yourself. The "nuisance" described the behaviour, not your child. You can't have misunderstood that badly, surely?
And yes, behaviours that are unavoidable can have nuisance value too...
Refusing to do anything to mitigate it's effect because "he can't help it" is on you, not him.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Oh 100%. We typed the same thing at the same time. It's painful isn't it.

Very...

Apparently children having meltdowns should be removed from parks etc also according to you previously. Essentially no issues in public or own garden as it will annoy other people.... bit hard given that there are numerous places on the spectrum. Let's just leave and ensure that simply because my non verbal child has dared to make a noise cannot continue where he was/what he was doing etc. Absolutely disgusting.

Doesn't work with every single child. So therefore let's cause more distress to the child by doing that simply so it doesn't bother anyone else. Hence why my focus is my children. Others have stated that also that removing can cause more distress to the child as different things work for different children. But no according to you not the case at all.

However, you have also attempted to throw attempted insult after insult my way and have managed to conjure up some somewhat bizarre things. Whatever floats your boat.

Why can't the parents just already have the sense to pull the kids inside when they start screaming / having meltdowns?! Surely that's just common courtesy and this is coming from someone with 2 pre schoolers and often find myself in this situation.

[quote toystoyseverywhere]@LookAtMoiPloise oh absolutely completely! As I have already stated it has sure shown who should and shouldn't be near any child particularly with additional support needs!

Scary thought indeed. Just throw in some discipline to avoid them getting a label eh?! Predictable as anything![/quote]
@toystoyseverywhere. I believe I was the poster you aimed the original comment about not being fit to be near any child !! I’m probably a bit older than most of the contributors to the thread, but my kids were brought up with love and discipline. They had boundaries, they knew when they’d crossed them and they knew to expect an appropriate punishment when they did. They’re now well balanced adults with parenting skills similar to my own, so I don’t think I did too bad a job. I don’t subscribe to the ‘let’s sit down and talk about it’ approach to bad behaviour, or the the bribery I see going on every day at the supermarket. How many times have we all seen it - children going into meltdown because they’ve seen something they want, and the parent giving in to stop the screaming. So it’s rewarding bad behaviour. What does that teach the child exactly - apart from how to get his own way again next time ? If the behaviour isn’t checked, how will they learn the difference between right and wrong - or are we abdicating responsibility for that onto the teachers as well as all the other shit they have to deal with ?

Apparently us mothers with SEN children shouldn't have to show anyone else courtesy.

I'm not entirely sure why. But because my child can't help his behaviour, that somehow excludes me as his mother doing anything about it.

Apparently children having meltdowns should be removed from parks etc also according to you previously

Again, no. One of various options I have done in the past, but naturally, do pick the very final resort so we can all clutch our pearls at how this means the child needs to be locked away at all times. Children who are badly disrupting those around them for a prolonged period of time, if you as their parent, can't stop the disruption, you have two options.

Let everyone else carry on being disrupted.

Or take them home. Round the corner to calm down. To get something to eat. To the car. Whatever it may be. Where the only person still disrupted is you, as their parent.

Option A or B depends on whether you remotely consider the people around you or not.

And just to nip the hyperbole in the bud:

"So my child can't ever go to the park!" Obviously yes they can.

"What about my child's right to play there!!" Again, yes of course. But now they're not playing are they. They were. Now they're having a meltdown. Maybe a ten minute break will allow play to recommence. Maybe it won't.

And for the avoidance of doubt, none of the above means the child should be locked away from public view.

@TwinsandTrifle

Do you think those things (meltdowns) are solvable by “taking someone inside”.

Fucketh me. For the twentieth time.... No!

But it solves the neighbours having to listen to it doesn't it!!!

Christing Christ.

Off for a gin.

@TwinsandTrifle

This is the point I’ve been trying to make and it seems that it’s something people don’t want to hear. We’ve gone from it being a noisy kid having a meltdown in the garden, through ASD, SEN, autism !!! Why does bad behaviour have to have a label ? Why are we looking for excuses when it’s just a badly behaved kid, whose parents haven’t set any boundaries and would rather leave him in the garden to annoy the neighbours than actually deal with their child ?

I have the same problem - child spends most of his time in the garden adjoining ours and throughout this summer he’s made life miserable on sunny days - had to shut patio doors to keep out the squealing and screaming. It’s not a medical condition, it’s just a horrible spoiled child who has worked out what to do to get his own way. Why should the neighbours put up with it ? I’m with you. - take the little sod in, put him in his room and let him think about it for a while. Think I’ll join you with the gin. Cheers !!

[quote toystoyseverywhere]@Wonkydonkey44 considering you've stated numerous times that it is down to people not parenting their children it doesn't surprise me at all what you've written about the "I'm alright so fuck anyone else" also about the apparent lack of parenting going on!

Plenty of people don't have any power over a full blown tantrum same as a meltdown. So to try to claim that this attitude is going on just shows that you have zero clue regarding it. As you are aware I've stated about one of my children and it's just as well I don't give a flying monkey what some people think regarding that type of thing. Kind of got used to it with my oldest when the ever so lovely people used to constantly stare as though she was an animal on display! Hey, maybe to some she was eh!

Also yes, if you cannot see that there will actually be things you do that will also piss off your neighbours then I would definitely say to open your eyes fully! Everyone does something that annoys others even if it doesn't fully register with the person doing it! It isn't a big friendly neighbourly world out there in the real world.....[/quote]
You and I totally disagree on parenting , I believe that everyone has a right to peace in their own garden .
You know nothing about my parenting style or what disabilities my kids may or may not have , I'm talking about basic good manners to those around you.
If you don't like what I say then don't read it simple!

Bet you 5zeds is that neigbour.

So you want them to have a chat with their child and say , "you know the meltdowns you've been having , and we have put up with for ages? Well our neighbour has said you're too noisy with them so please stop "

You think they want to deal with a kid in that state?

@maddy68

So you want them to have a chat with their child and say , "you know the meltdowns you've been having , and we have put up with for ages? Well our neighbour has said you're too noisy with them so please stop "

You think they want to deal with a kid in that state?

5 pages of the thread, and you post this? 🤦‍♀️

So you want them to have a chat with their child and say , "you know the meltdowns you've been having , and we have put up with for ages? Well our neighbour has said you're too noisy with them so please stop"

I mean, this is beyond ridiculous and no one has suggested anything like it.

Bemused as to why people can't bear to hear that all you need to do is go indoors for a bit, to show common courtesy for others.

I think maybe toys and 5zeds could do with a gin too !!

@Rosscameasdoody

I think maybe toys and 5zeds could do with a gin too !!

Mine are all "locked away from public view" as we speak.

Or, indoors for now, as it's more commonly known.

What I have found interesting on this is there are quite a lot of SEN parents on here. Most say I will be considerate of the neighbours and try and manage the situation.
Two say - I cant do anything about it - followed by - my child's needs trump everyone else's

This is the problem. They don't. They might for you but they are not the most important thing in the world to anyone else and making other people miserable just because you think your child is more important is extremely selfish

Yes we do probably do things to annoy neighbours but not this regularly and not to this degree and if my neighbour were to complain I would address it. Some posters on here just don't seem to be prepared to have consideration for anyone else

They are not the most important thing in the world to anyone else and making other people miserable just because you think your child is more important is extremely selfish

I think what stands out for me on this, is that it hits the nail on the head, and shows it's got nothing to do with SEN at all. That sentence applies to any parent. Because the issue is not with the child.

You're either a selfish parent or you're not. I get much more annoyed when a selfish parent tries to absolve themselves under the guise of "SEN" because it does the rest of us (as you pointed out, every SEN parent on this thread who do think of others, except two) a real disservice.

@Rosscameasdoody,well said.

The children next to me are screamers. Mum shuts the door on them, sometimes willtingly asks them to be quiet etc… they scream for nothing, sometimes they scream because they are vile to each other. If my husband walks outside and looks at them they behave. He does not say a word. My kids behave, my husband has never really raised his voice to them. I don’t understand why screaming has somehow become acceptable. It isn’t.

@Annoyedanddissapointed highly unlikely, mine is much older (even than @TwinsandTrifle ). He is quite noisy sometimes but luckily my neighbours are kind and can see how difficult things are for him.

Personally I don’t know any parents of children with more severe disability who didn’t realise fairly early on that their children would grow up. We do our best and this week it’s a bit of uphill battle. I don’t think this thread is helping and I’m happy to just disagree with the idea that it’s your or your child’s job to reduce the impact of their presence as much as possible.