To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

@GreyhoundG1rl why simply pick out one part of what I wrote?? Talk about context....

picking up her own 7yr old child might hurt her. I’m big so this wasn’t an issue for me but there are LOTS of mums with disabled children who can’t carry them, and lots are injured supporting them. It’s a huge problem and one I’d really like to see better understood.

@TwinsandTrifle plenty of posts have appeared talking about the child in question apparently being outside for two hours hence why I made that point. As that isn't the actual case.

Not every five minutes either. Five minutes here and there which can happen throughout the afternoon.

Not on a fixed schedule. I don't think the child has a built in alarm set to five minutes.....

[quote toystoyseverywhere]@GreyhoundG1rl why simply pick out one part of what I wrote?? Talk about context....[/quote]
I'm not sure what other part of your post provided any more context on "you'll be equally annoying to your neighbour"?

@5zeds this is part of why my back is completely knackered.

Heaving my oldest up and down particularly as due to all the rude stares and remarks made usually within earshot I felt I had to attempt to keep her silent etc. Which is not possible.

But no apparently all down to people choosing not to parent!

[quote toystoyseverywhere]@LookAtMoiPloise really? So you have no clue at all that claiming a child simply needs some discipline otherwise the child will have all kinds of issues at school and be known as that child and have some label thrown on him is an old fashioned rule???

Back in the old days, that is what used to be the main viewpoint of most sadly enough however enough people changed with the times and actually recognised the fact that that approach doesn't tend to really work.... same as shutting kids away also...

So yeah you can attempt to comment with numerous emojis but if you had bothered to actually read you would have read what I was referring to.... unless you did which makes it even more disturbing but hey ho this thread has definitely brought out a lot of ones with some messed up opinions that's for sure!![/quote]
And this thread has also brought out the people who can’t be arsed to parent properly.

@GreyhoundG1rl aha okay then.

Gotta love cherry picking

Plenty of people don't have any power over a full blown tantrum same as a meltdown

Hi. Repeating, SEN mother for 13yrs now. Part of various SEN networks and seen enough over the last decade to know that too many parental rants of "I can't" are far more accurately "I can't be bothered". Because there's always a parent in a very similar situation that must be some kind of magician, because they magically can do what the other parent is purporting as impossible.

No. We don't have much power in stopping a meltdown starting. Why are you projecting that this is being implied by anyone? We have a lot of power in how we allow that meltdown to affect those around us. A huge amount of power. Not to stop the meltdown perhaps. But to absolutely take the child indoors/home/to a different play area. Please don't pretend otherwise.

There are lazy parents of NT children, and lazy parents of SEN children. It's the parent, not the child.

And this thread has also brought out the people who can’t be arsed to parent properly

Yep.

Of course you are not unreasonable OP.

But you will be told you are.

@LookAtMoiPloise oh absolutely completely! As I have already stated it has sure shown who should and shouldn't be near any child particularly with additional support needs!

Scary thought indeed. Just throw in some discipline to avoid them getting a label eh?! Predictable as anything!

@TwinsandTrifle my oldest is older than thirteen! Does that make any difference due to your announcement of thirteen years?!

Yes there have been many posters who have stated poor parenting or cannot be bothered to etc... same old same old

Imagine if some of these self congratulatory “good parents” actually had to parent anyone with less rudimentary needs.

All children must respond in the exact same way to multiple sensory experiences. Therefore they must all settle down and work through the meltdown in exactly the same way as others.

A dream world.

@5zeds that is one very scary thought indeed!! Wouldn't be so judgemental then, would they? But then again, they would likely cause more issues/damage by pretending everything was just absolutely perfect! Seem the type to!

well why would you chose to behave in such a dickish way as to complain to parents about a child making noise for maybe five minutes here and there???

I love how people try and minimize poor behaviour then act offended.

This kid is screaming, in 5 minute bursts, regularly, all afternoon. No parental intervention. Not a jolly hockey sticks little sweetheart, laughing loudly. It's not "noise here and there" it's ear piercing screaming all afternoon, with some relief between each outburst.

The lazy parents on here are something else. And so are some of the SEN parents. Who are rightly being called out on their excuses, and have to revert to the same old same old trying to make out anyone calling them out is disablist, or doesn't get it.

Oh, they do get it. Believe me.

Imagine if some of these self congratulatory “good parents” actually had to parent anyone with less rudimentary needs

Like I do you mean? With twin toddlers as well.

Pack the excuses in.

@TwinsandTrifle I haven't actually called anyone disablist actually.... I haven't resorted to that one however it usually appears when people with certain attitudes and believes appear!

As for twin toddlers is it yet again someone must know best regarding how many children they have/how many have a disability etc? As what was that to do it with?? The thirteen years means nothing. Not all are the same so somewhat disturbing you seem to be so fixed on that...

So apparently it is bang on every single five minutes constantly throughout the afternoon? Hmmm. As I've already stated does this child that so many are going on about coming out with he needs discipline otherwise he will have issues at school and end up with heaven forbid, a label? And also be known as that child also!

Also this little boy must have an inbuilt alarm for it to be happening every single five minutes.... quite some spectacular timing right there to be honest.

Realistically, I suspect there is some noise at times however every five minutes is somewhat exaggerated. Easy enough for someone to do as when someone becomes aware of a noise they do tend to focus and actually listen out for it more than various other sounds. Human nature. All part and parcel of being a human is our brains doing that.

The same as when an annoying buzzing noise occurs in a house at times. It ends up seeming louder and then becomes more and more irritating. A fly buzzing around. A wasp. Those types of things.

To actually claim that anyone who has dared to say the opposite on this thread is a lazy parent etc is ridiculous.

Does that also mean that they therefore don't safeguard their child also? As why would so called lazy parents bother doing that! I'm on about ensuring doors are locked, no switches also nothing left out at all that the child could potentially eat... nothing to climb on.... I could list all day.

Parenting a child who has additional needs is not for lazy parents as the child would be removed. Lazy parents don't tend to make sure all potential hazards are away etc so child would then end up with numerous injuries. They would be noticed before it is met with nobody would realise from outside the family home! Vast majority of additional needs children have various appts so it would be noted and therefore reported

@TwinsandTrifle
Like I do you mean? With twin toddlers as well.
I’m sure you are an expert in your own children but frankly your understanding of disability in the wider community does seem limited. Despite how it may seem on this thread I am actually an incredibly strict parent (and I too have twins and disability to contend with), what I’m not is oblivious to the vast difference in ability and degree of disability particularly among the neurodiverse. No, not all children benefit from or can be helped by the intervention suggested, some are not safe to move, some regulate faster with less direction (think PDA presentations), some cannot control their noise levels at all and some sounds are utterly involuntary. Some parents are feckless and some lazy and some at the end of their strength. Nobody knows what’s going on here but to assume it’s anything like your twins is ludicrous.

Those who don’t get it will either listen, learn the hard way when their child develops less endearing behaviour, or carry on thinking they are brilliant parents never pausing to notice their extreme good fortune.

Precisely this. As I've already posted numerous times every child is different. They do not all respond to the same techniques/tactics and they also need to come out of some meltdowns when they are ready to. Whereas some others can be distracted enough to come out of one.

The same as how some require PIC cards whereas some others don't. Same with visual timetables.

It is actually quite depressing to see how many actually don't understand that every child is different. Particularly when someone states they have a child/ren who has support needs.

To label anyone who says otherwise as being lazy and not parenting etc is actually quite vile given the fact that all it is that their child responds differently from your child/ren.

Perfectly used to other views of a certain type but how lovely to encounter a special needs parent who believes her way is the best and is happy to claim all others are lazy and don't bother.

Also there will be other people reading this thread who could very easily have a child or children with additional needs. Who is reading numerous posts stating lazy parenting and discipline is all that is needed and then the follow on school speech which is not helpful.

If someone has only just experienced additional needs recently this could really affect how they feel and could make them doubt their parenting abilities particularly when numerous other members of the ever so lovely public constantly stare and make comments loudly in earshot.

For example, a young mum for example reading some of these who could easily have already experienced people judging regarding being a young mother and constantly "offering" advice and whatnot would already be feeling somewhat vulnerable.

Children all require different things. Not just additional needs children. It isn't right that someone could be made to feel absolutely rubbish through reading some of the ignorant posts on here.

No doubt this post will be cherry picked again but I'm glad I have posted this as people do turn to this site and read plenty of posts without commenting. A lot of times due to low confidence etc. Unless actual evidence of lazy parenting then leaving insults out of it is the responsible thing to do.

As for the claim about removing a child who has had a meltdown from where they are that is also not great advice. Some cannot be.

Also that also teaches others that something that the child cannot control is something to hide away.

Meltdowns happen for many different reasons. Does not mean the child should be removed simply to not disturb anyone else. It is part of how they express themselves. It is what it is.

Obviously in some cases, yes removal is the best option if the meltdown is down to where the child is. That's a given. But not every single time.

what I’m not is oblivious to the vast difference in ability and degree of disability particularly among the neurodiverse

Hence me mentioning the fact that I've been part of SEN groups for a decade and encountered hundreds of children with all sorts of abilities. With plenty of parents who got on with their lot, however hard it was. And those who claimed it was impossible for them, when we could all see it wasn't. Every child is different. But not so unbelievable rare and unique that they are the only one genuinely unable to be parented. Hope that's less "disturbing" for you now you realise the relevance of me saying I have a long term (13yr) and broad life experience of SEN children, outside of my own SEN child. Did you think I was scoring SEN points per year? Top trumps at 13. Good grief.

how lovely to encounter a special needs parent who believes her way is the best

My "way" is to stop making excuses, don't be self absorbed and inconsiderate, and parent your child. SEN or not. I think you'll find that "way" is not mine, more that of parents who value the needs of others as well as their own.

If someone has only just experienced additional needs recently this could really affect how they feel and could make them doubt their parenting abilities

Well, frankly, good! Because parenting a SEN child is very very different from a NT child. I hope it does make people doubt what they've been doing, question why it's not working, look for the right organisation to help them parent their SEN effectively.

Rather than just declaring "well that doesn't work with my child" and leaving it there. If you can't see that's inconsiderate, lazy and doing the child a massive disservice, I literally can't think of a more simplified way to put it...

Nobody knows what’s going on here but to assume it’s anything like your twins is ludicrous.

Sorry, at what point have I said the non SEN child OP is enduring the screams of, is anything like my twins? Or that my elder child with SEN is anything like my twins.

You're correct. That would be ludicrous. Hence no one has said it.

The common factor if you're trying to find one, is that I don't make excuses for my twins, or my DS.

It isn’t an excuse it’s a disability. It would be an excuse if you said it wouldn’t work for your child as it obviously does. It’s like saying “my child can see if I bother to put her glasses on” and implying that the parents of blind children are lazy for not implementing your totally inappropriate intervention. I’m not sure why you keep bringing up your twins or comparing you older child to this one. Does your child have verbal tics or loud verbal stims? Does your child suffer from noisy overwhelming meltdowns? Do you think those things are solvable by “taking someone inside”.