To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

I think five minutes is not a big deal, unless it's five minutes more than once or twice a day. Have the other children decided that winding him up is a fun game? Is he screaming because his siblings bully him?

I think you can mention it to the parents and say that you know it's all fine but you are sensitive to the sounds of a distressed child, and ask if there is anything you can do to help the lad when you hear him screaming. That should clue them in that maybe there is a problem they should deal with instead of "letting them learn to work it out themselves" which is just giving permission for a stronger child to prey on a weaker child because the parent can't be bothered to parent them.

I would say something, as gently as possible, for the sake of the child himself.

57% YABU OP

I often wonder what my neighbours think is going on in my flat. I live with just my 2 young children. Both of whom have SEN, the older one is autistic. Sometimes even the smallest thing like a drop of water on his top, the wrong plate or a change in routine can cause him to get loudly upset for a prolonged period. Sometimes I am in the shower or on the loo when it happens which means I am not immediately there to sort it out. Sometimes I just think I hope other people will be understanding.

Maybe try calling out "be quiet" & the parents might get the hint. Or, play really annoying loud music at random times

@MinesAPintOfTea rubbish! I've picked up my kids in this situation and yes I may have got the odd bop on the nose as a result but that's no excuse. You either have to be prepared to bring them in if they start or wait until someone else can help before you let them out. It is not acceptable to leave them screaming in the garden for two hours because you 'might get hurt' by a 7 year old.

[quote whatthejiggeries]@MinesAPintOfTea rubbish! I've picked up my kids in this situation and yes I may have got the odd bop on the nose as a result but that's no excuse. You either have to be prepared to bring them in if they start or wait until someone else can help before you let them out. It is not acceptable to leave them screaming in the garden for two hours because you 'might get hurt' by a 7 year old. [/quote]
I don’t mean bop on the nose. I mean enough weight that when they are thrashing around they can hurt your back badly, or them end up falling.

Certainty at 8 DS has to jump up or start from standing on a chair if he wants a carry, and I’m fairly fit. I think that started when he was 7.

Where I live you’d get at least one neighbour yelling ‘shut up!!’ Over the gardens

Anyway it Won’t be long before the weather will Be too cold for the garden

@hangrylady well telling that you have a proper understanding regarding additional needs. Which you would have seen if you had actually quoted my other post too

"What a load of rubbish" how I wish

Count yourself lucky as you obviously don't know exactly how hard it can be. I didn't until I experienced it for myself however I still had some awareness.

Thankfully at least I know what to deal with any issues rather than listening to you and some others on here! Let's just make sure that no child ever has the cheek to disturb some posters outside!! The nerve of these pesky kids!

@Boredmotherofone you should realise that not every single ASD child is exactly the same. Some have different triggers than others and if it happens to be a complete sensory overload then some can go longer than others.

Children's services also have this almighty knowledge.

Coming out with that to someone else is quite crappy to be honest... some are louder than others etc. It is life. It is what it is.

@whatthejiggeries @Minesapintoftea

This is exactly right. As I've stated several times every child is different and simply because you don't have a child who will lash out doesn't mean that others don't.

Also a lot of children can be bigger for their age with height and also size too. Some will try to lash out anyway they can and that also includes using the head to bash you... so it isn't just a "bop on the nose"

Every child is different

@toystoyseverywhere no one minds kids playing outside - no one minds the odd tantrum. But if you think it's reasonable to let your child scream outside for two hours and think that your neighbours should just put up with it you are being selfish and not parenting your child. Perhaps you should consider moving somewhere where your kid can make as much noise as they want and let the rest of your street live in peace

@whatthejiggeries where has it been stated that the child that is being ever so nicely discussed on here has been out regularly for two hours??

The OP had mentioned five minutes etc and said it can sometimes be a little bit longer but I didn't see her stating two hours in her post at all....

However as I stated some kids can become nearly impossible to hoist up and move especially if there are other factors at play. One of mine was a runner... fun days!! Just as well I was younger and somewhat more fitter back then! If a child is actually left outside by themselves for a prolonged period of time that is unacceptable anyway as any child needs supervision regardless.

That wasn't meant snarky or anything like that! Apologies if so - lack of sleep is having an effect now!

To be clear, as I mentioned above, it’s not just 5 mins, it’s bouts of around 5 mins when the kids piss each other off and can continue over, say, an afternoon. I think the ref to two hours related to another post.

I have this from 8am every morning with my NDN's kids. I feel your pain, OP.

57% YABU OP
That's in MN so probably less than 10% in real life!

The actual screaming is horrible for the nerves but the parents doing nothing about it is just as bad if not worse.

We had the same neighbours and my nerves were so raw from it. It was impossible to relax in the garden or even inside with window opens. Every time it happened my heart rate go up significantly.

OH and I tried a few times to ask nicely for them to lower the noise level. This resulted in total quiet for 30s and then starting again. One day I really had enough and shouted Shut Up. Key to one of the kid going in and telling their parent who thought it was ok to throw a note over the garden to tell us not to tell their kids to shut up. You couldn't make it up. They were of course never outside to watch over their kids. Thank God, they moved. They are now two lovely kids and if they start to raise their voice, mum is out telling them to stop and come in. Lovely family.

Some people are just self-centrered, entitled and just can't fathom the notion that they are not the centre of the world free to do as they like expecting everyone else to adjust to their lifestyle.

There is no reasoning with them.

I've picked up my kids in this situation and yes I may have got the odd bop on the nose as a result but that's no excuse. You either have to be prepared to bring them in if they start or wait until someone else can help before you let them out. It is not acceptable to leave them screaming in the garden for two hours because you 'might get hurt' by a 7 year old.

Completely agree.

And after further posts, you still stick by the, "he can have 2 hour meltdowns in my garden, if that's where he has it, that's where he has it" because you can't do anything.

So. When he has one when you are in a shop, at the park, at the zoo, in a restaurant, at school pick up, after swimming (wherever, out) presumably you stand there for two hours while he screams and just shrug at the people around you. For two hours.

I feel your pain. The neighbours backing on to our back garden have three kids and one of them has a very loud piercing squeal. I’ve heard him do this when the dad has been playing in the garden with them and he makes no attempt to correct it. Quite often I’ve had to shut the patio doors on hot evenings because the noise has been unbearable. TBH I’m quite shocked at the number of responses on here saying the OP should just ignore it, and that speaking to the parents won’t work. I really don’t see why other people should have to put up with kids’ bad behaviour because their parents can’t be arsed to deal with it. And why does bad behaviour have to be given a label ? Sometimes it’s not a medical condition, it’s just a child being an arse and not being corrected for it.

My son used to do this and I always bought him inside and shut the door when it happened. I didn’t want all the neighbours knowing our business. They obviously don’t care about the noise or they would do so too. Don’t think it will go down well if you say something

[quote whatthejiggeries]@toystoyseverywhere no one minds kids playing outside - no one minds the odd tantrum. But if you think it's reasonable to let your child scream outside for two hours and think that your neighbours should just put up with it you are being selfish and not parenting your child. Perhaps you should consider moving somewhere where your kid can make as much noise as they want and let the rest of your street live in peace[/quote]
My neighbour told me I should move to the country if I didn't like the sound of his darlings playing ( murdering each other ) in the garden.
Why should I move because they can't parent their children

And this also depends on frequency. If my son had a meltdown of that level, perhaps once a month. So each year, maybe twice this would happen in the garden, that's one thing. If that's the case, you're going on about a scenario that is nothing like what is occurring on this thread, so pretty pointless trying to apply the advice to your completely different situation.

If it's a meltdown of that level four times a week. So it's twice a week, every week in the garden, that's unacceptable for everyone else around you to endure. And it's not down to everyone to tiptoe around you because you can try and make them feel bad by waving the SEN card in their face. As PP said, that's a real dick move. So rather than over exaggerate with the "oh, you all want my little boy locked indoors", you say "it's not ok for me to show this lack of consideration to all the people around me, on an ongoing basis, so if that means we go to the park twice a week, so DS gets a good run about without ruining the day, again, for all my neighbours then that's what a decent person would do." Because if people at the park (where they are expecting noisy children) find it too much, they can leave. The idea that people should leave their own homes to get some peace because their neighbour could, but doesn't, keep the continual noise down, is beyond entitled. The problem here isn't the meltdown by the way, it's your (non)actions to leave him there for two hours making that level of noise.

I get it as a SEN mother. It's effort to have to go to the park when you've got a garden right there. But if my son going in the garden detrimentally affects other households, repeatedly, and I want to claim there's nothing I can do about that, then I take him to a different play area.

TBH I’m quite shocked at the number of responses on here saying the OP should just ignore it, and that speaking to the parents won’t work.

But that's the sad reality. Because if you're letting your children scream and scream all afternoon and take chunks out of each other, with no intervention, then you're a twatty parent.

So essentially, how much success will OP have, saying anything to a twatty parent. You're absolutely right, she shouldn't have to put up with it. But all you have to do is look at the first response on this thread to see "I'd laugh in your face if you asked my children to be quiet" and that right there is the kind of person that OP will be trying to asking to show some respect to others. Not likely to happen.

Personally I think they should bring him indoors when he’s screaming and shouting, it’s not fair for neighbours to listen to that.

I suppose you could sympathise with your neighbour, tell them you’ve got kids and understand. Ask them what they would like you to do. Would they like you to ask the child to quieten down, or distract him? They might appreciate your offer of help. Often parents can’t quieten their own child because they are in their ‘safe zone,’ but they respond to someone else, even kids with ASD, as long as it is respectful. Shouting at the kid, having a go at him, might make it worse, but intervening might.

Suck it up! 4/5 year old children scream and have tantrums and when there are several children fighting is part of everyday life. The only thing you will achieve is a hostile relationship with the parents. Children cannot be expected to be on best behaviour at all times in their own home/garden. Just enjoy the peace when they are in school!