To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

I think the idea is the child should be kept out of sight and hearing range till it can magically become able to do what other children do. What if he never can be quiet? Does he also need to never be allowed in the garden unsupervised?

Well you are the only one talking about them never be allowed in a garden

@5zeds

I think the idea is the child should be kept out of sight and hearing range till it can magically become able to do what other children do. What if he never can be quiet? Does he also need to never be allowed in the garden unsupervised?

This isn't an idea that anyone on this thread has had????

I think the idea that you can parent all behavioural problems out of a child is odd from someone who has a disabled child

Seriously. That's what you took from what I said. Let me clarify.

No. I can not "parent" away his SEN. What a silly concept that hasn't been mentioned by me, or anyone else. What I can do is be a decent parent with consideration for others. So when he had a meltdown, I brought him indoors and calmed him. Or I'd join him and work out what had caused the meltdown and try and address that. Or, take him to the park where that level of noise was more acceptable. None of which magically remove his SEN.

Hope that clears it up.

I do sympathise as I have 3 boys myself and they aren’t the quietest. My youngest (5) is autistic and can have multiple meltdowns sometimes when outside as he has no danger or safety awareness so I have to keep stopping him from climbing or trying to get out of gates. It’s important that all children experience time outside and particularly for my youngest, everything is a learning experience. But I have to say, if the older siblings of the little boy you talk about are winding him up or not helping then the parents should be dealing with that, not ignoring it and leaving them to it screaming and carrying on. All they are learning is to fight. I always try and calm my boys down and would never just leave them to it. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I am aware that my neighbours don’t want to hear it and that my boys need to learn that too. It’s not on when it’s multiple times a day. If it’s that bad then one of the parents should be outside with them. I’d put money on it, that would stop the majority of meltdowns and produce a calmer atmosphere. Getting this across to them is another matter though. If I received an anonymous note about this I’d be mortified. But then again, we don’t all think the same. At worst they’ll ignore it. (Haven’t read the whole thread so I apologise if all this has already been covered).

@Annoyedanddissapointed

This is like that thread about the quiet resort where some poaters who had a disability and were sensitive to noise (or their children, it has been a while) were basically told tough luck about the noise levels.

disability is not an excuse and disabled people have rights beyond the norm to protect them from attitudes that would limit their lives still further.

But no one is arguing they don't have rights beyond the norm. What the argument is about is that even that rights end somewhere.

Wow, read the last part of your comment back and have a good long think about what you are saying.

Ah, I see this poster has spectacularly misinterpreted not just my posts.

Wow, read the last part of your comment back and have a good long think about what you are saying.

If you are refering to the "rights have to end somewhere", what is so bad about saying it? It is truth. Everyone's rights end somewhere to protect others' whether they are disabled or not.

He could easily be on the spectrum or have other special needs but his parents should be trying to bring him in and let him calm down but maybe they are pulled down by it all and struggling. I would go round and explain its causing you distress but keep it friendly.

What if the child is suffering from autism: anxiety; ADHD?? If the child is, I can imagine the parents are probably also struggling. Perhaps it’s their one moment in their day to rest? How do you think the parents will feel after the reminder from a neighbour that their child is “different” and hard work? Personally I’d offer to take the mum out for a coffee to get away from it

OMG! I have this too! Family behind us have a child 'Harry' who is a bloody pain in the arse! He's out in the garden most days at 0630 screaming his head off and the fishwife mother screams at him to shut up!

I work shifts and often am just getting in at 0630 and ready for bed, and it's been hell for the lat few years. This child is out at all times just screaming his head off. He clearly has problems but that's not my problem....they should be controlling him and dealing with him.

I'm shattered some days - I'm going through the menopause so have the window open for fresh air, however even with the window shut it's horrendous.

We complained to environmental dept and the noise stopped for a couple of weeks (so it can be done) and then re-appeared!

Also the fact that the parents often stay out in the garden till 3/4 am and I'm at the end of my tether

@alphabeticalabc

If my children scream in the garden then they come inside and sit in the conservatory. Every. Single. Time. I cannot bear screaming. It goes straight through me. If they are having a tantrum then they come in. Every. Single. Time. The 6 houses surrounding me don't want to hear that shit. I have friends that seem oblivious to screaming, or maybe it doesn't bother them in the way it bothers me, and their kids scream in the garden daily. I think different people have different expectations.

I wish more people were like you

I'm pretty sure my neighbour must be on here. Her little boy screaaaaams every night, normally until stupidly late for a 4yo and 2yo. It went on until 9pm last night, as it does every night.

Tonight?....silence! OP you're either my neighbour and have had an effective word or the family 2 doors down have (FINALLY) realised how their kids screaming impacts the rest of the street (estate).

I would be very careful if you do say anything. Have you considered that the child might have ASD? Who knows? My advice would be to be pleasant and get to know them a bit first. You never know, they might say something about the meltdowns and the reason for them. Whatever happens, it won’t last forever because kids mature whether or not they are neurotypical.
If you wade in there with complaints and they are having a hard time as parents, it wouldn’t be good for either side.
I say this as a formerly very stressed parent of a child with ADHD. It’s no picnic, but it improves…

I would think about playing some loud music when the screaming starts up.

@Rosejasmine

I would be very careful if you do say anything. Have you considered that the child might have ASD? Who knows? My advice would be to be pleasant and get to know them a bit first. You never know, they might say something about the meltdowns and the reason for them. Whatever happens, it won’t last forever because kids mature whether or not they are neurotypical. If you wade in there with complaints and they are having a hard time as parents, it wouldn’t be good for either side. I say this as a formerly very stressed parent of a child with ADHD. It’s no picnic, but it improves…

And why should children with problems be able to cause so many problems and affect and upset so many people?

What if the child is suffering from autism: anxiety; ADHD?? If the child is, I can imagine the parents are probably also struggling. Perhaps it’s their one moment in their day to rest?

Well, that's my son. And yes, sometimes I do have a moment when I'm at the end of my tether. He's a continual struggle. I don't get to shrug "because SEN" He's my child and my responsibility. And the odd moment is understandable. This is not what we're discussing. It's the day long screaming and shrieking and shrill noise. From a child that statistically is under 4% chance of actually having SEN So let's get that into perspective. And this child shouts all day. Every day. Granted this might reduce to out of school hours now, but it's not acceptable at this frequency.

I've not read all of the posts, but if the child has ASD and is having a meltdown, he needs to be left somewhere he is safe until he can regulate. Moving him is more than likely not an option and he will not be able to listen to or cope with instructions/demands while he is like that - total sensory overload. If this is the case, unfortunately for you, there's not much you can do.
My neighbours have young children (around 3 and 6 years old), who appear to have no bedtime. Last night they were running around, laughing and screaming indoors at half 11 (I was trying to sleep in the heat, knowing I had to be up at 6.30). Around midnight they were all outside talking very loudly. I'm hoping that they move on soon 🙄

From a child that statistically is under 4% chance of actually having SEN So let's get that into perspective.
So many posters can't seem to grasp this.
You wouldn't imagine there were any adult arseholes out there, the way every piece of shitty behaviour is immediately labelled as possible SEN, don't be so nasty and judgemental, they probably can't help it.
It's astounding, really.

@GreyhoundG1rl

From a child that statistically is under 4% chance of actually having SEN So let's get that into perspective. So many posters can't seem to grasp this. You wouldn't imagine there were any adult arseholes out there, the way every piece of shitty behaviour is immediately labelled as possible SEN, don't be so nasty and judgemental, they probably can't help it. It's astounding, really.

It's ASD until 40 then dementia. Always. Anything can be wxplained by them. Anything

@hippychick10. Yes. You have absolutely no idea do you? It’s their own garden whether or not a child has a learning disability. Children make noise.
It’s a flipping nightmare having a young child with a learning disability at times and the noisy behaviour can’t be stopped, it’s not a choice, Now if it’s a bunch of partying teenagers raving day and night then that’s different because it is a choice

Ah, yes, I'd forgotten dementia... 🤦‍♀️

I don’t believe the parent can’t say, stop screaming or you come inside, even if the child is SEN - all the more reason to give sanctions to encourage good behaviour. Maybe parents unconcerned with the screaming outside - they don’t have to hear it, or they so used to it they are oblivious how it affects neighbours. I wouldn’t go near her to complain about her little darling. Take your radio outside and turn it up full blast ….

It’s poor parenting your better off moving

The child isn't having a (buzzword) meltdown!! OP has already been back and said she didn't realise her use of this word would inspire everyone to jump on the SEN bandwagon!

It's massively insulting that this child who is blatantly not having any parental intervention and just piercingly screams as loud as she likes, should have this "oh leave her and her SEN" alone, poor baby, attitude. I can virtually guarantee you this child doesn't have SEN. Read the rest of my posts on this thread to see why, I'm not repeating myself yet again. My son has SEN, and you adapt your parenting technique to account for this if you are any kind of decent considerate parent. Not sit on your arse waving it around as a get out of jail free card to intimidate anyone who notices your lack of parenting and accuse them of being disablist. A massive insult and very patronising to us parents who do have SEN children, and shock horror, don't let them do as they please 24hrs a day.