To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

My near neighbour's children cause a similar issue for us OP and it's really difficult to know what to do. I'm guessing that one of the children is autistic as the meltdowns are long and loud with protracted screaming and nothing is done about it by the mother who seems rather hysterical herself at times, so the kids just copy her behaviour really.
I think a polite calm conversation is reasonable but I do wonder if it would achieve anything. Sadly probably not.
Parents with loud screaming kids outside should stop to consider how they would feel if this was inflicted on them.

He will grow out of it. We had that one summer.

@5zeds

I get infuriated at the concept that DS should be entitled to do as he pleases because he's got SEN. He can't be parented like a NT child, so I'm absolved of his behaviour? I don't think so. I think the idea that you can parent all behavioural problems out of a child is odd from someone who has a disabled child. Literally the “disability” is that you can’t work around it. Do you really think that, for example, people who make involuntary noises or have anxiety attacks (aka meltdowns) can just “try harder”. Of course the parents should and probably are trying to help their child, and I’m not suggesting that disability is a green card to do whatever you like, but no most nd children can’t “pass” all day everyday and I think the garden at home is probably a safe place to be yourself.

There is a big difference between some noise and all the time screaming.

The oarents can work around it and take child inside when screaming doesn't stop. Sorry, but people honestly cannot reasonably exlect all neighbours to just tolerate the fact they themselves can't go and sit out in bit of peace (and no, I obviously do not mean complete silence) and reacharge after work/childcare etc until winter comes...

My neighbours DCs have done it for two years. With dad in the garden, sometimes joining in the “fun”. Since I snapped and told them to stop screaming it’s been transformed.

My nan used to say if only they came with volume switches. . What do you suggest? You can't gag them or keep them stuck in the house when the other children are playing. They will learn through playing with their peers and mature in time.

@Sparklfairy

This will be an unpopular opinion but I don't think kids should be impacting on neighbours just because "they can't help it". Bring them inside.

I agree. Kids shrieking is a special kind of torture.

Your neighbours know about the meltdowns, they can hear them too. If they could stop them they would. So telling them about them wont help the situation all it does is make a parent feel bad about their parenting.
I would suggest that the child will eventually grow out of it and if you think it is bad for you it is far worse for the parents of the child having a meltdown.

@AnnieSnap

I’m sure the parents are already struggling with the meltdowns. They can’t stop it because it’s upsetting a neighbour. Also, the winter is in the way. We’ll all be inside with the Windows closed soon enough. He will probably be past this phase by next year!

Why are you sure of that and why is there the continual default to “the child must have SEN and the parents are struggling”??? Has no one read what the OP has written- namely she doesn’t know but doesn’t think it’s SEN and the parents don’t appear to be in the garden doing much in the way of supervision when all this sibling arguing and screaming is going on. It’s just as likely they tune them out and don’t see an issue, have never tried to stop the garden screaming and are sat inside enjoying the peace. I think after 15 months of being very regularly disturbed so that you can’t use your garden and have to shut your windows so you can work you have every right to have a polite word. If the response is - sorry nothing we can do (for whatever reason) then at least you’ve tried!

We have neighbours with two kids. Oldest is about 10 and has sen. They are incredibly annoying and have meltdown. Younger isn't diagnosed but was born since living hear and screeches and has delayed speech and I'm sure has sen too. They both have sent us inside from their noise - and often the repeated threats from
Parents that they will be taken inside if they don't stop fighting/messing around etc and they don't follow through.

However, as annoying as they are, I know a lot if their problems their parents can't help and it would be unfair to say something. Yes they could parent more strongly at times but mostly the annoyance is their behaviour and that is fuelled by their additional needs so we try to be mindful of that.

I’m now wondering if you live near my mum. Her neighbours son constantly screams, shouts and whines. It drives all the other neighbours to distraction

Loud music… if they complain say it’s to drown out their sons screaming

I do understand your pain, my ds used to scream like this.
He had sensory issues and needed lots of intervention.
He grew out of it, he is a very nice (and quiet) teenager now.
Could you give this boy a little more time (and I do understand that it is hard)? Next summer it might be much better.

Using SEN as an excuse boils my blood! There is NO reason to leave a child in garden screaming even if they have SEN!!

They obviously have no control over the child. Child needs told not to scream in the garden.

If they could solve the meltdowns they would. And not because of anything you would have to say.

I agree.
I really don’t think talking to the parents will help. Either they don’t care or they can’t stop it.

I work with kids (11-18yr olds) who can have meltdowns and a couple of them can’t respond to anything when they are in that moment.
However the parents should still be encouraging good behaviour before and afterwards saying things like they need to play nicely, or need to come inside if he is screaming etc so I completely understand why you’d be annoyed if you don’t hear the parents trying to manage it.

They don't need to "solve the meltdowns". They need to mitigate the effect on others.

@Annoyedanddissapointed

They don't need to "solve the meltdowns". They need to mitigate the effect on others.

Exactly.

I said YANBU based on all things being equal; child doesn’t have any particular issues or specific needs then you are entitled to what is known as ‘quiet enjoyment’ of your own property. Boy racers and other things mentioned by posters are all subject to noise abatement and as a parent I’ve often wished in the past that I could gag my DC for the sake of my nerves and for others! I agree you may not get far by raising it so maybe a good idea is to let it go for this year and next summer, you never know, the child may have grown quite a bit emotionally by that time and these outbursts are less frequent or gone altogether? I think by next year you definitely have a reason to discuss it further with the neighbours. Also, any episode of super nanny or similar uses techniques to calm kids, they don’t ever suggest ignoring them!!

Perhaps they are mitigating the effect on themselves so they can manage the evening/night, and do it all again the next day?
Disability exists, it’s obvious from the posts on here that very few understand that it isn’t all solvable, or pretty. It is NOT the job of parents of disabled children to teach them to be as small and quiet and “easy” and compliant as possible do they don’t impact anyone. Ffs use your imagination a little. OP can look forward to a quieter winter, what do you think the parents and siblings will be expecting?

@5zeds

Perhaps they are mitigating the effect on themselves so they can manage the evening/night, and do it all again the next day? Disability exists, it’s obvious from the posts on here that very few understand that it isn’t all solvable, or pretty. It is NOT the job of parents of disabled children to teach them to be as small and quiet and “easy” and compliant as possible do they don’t impact anyone. Ffs use your imagination a little. OP can look forward to a quieter winter, what do you think the parents and siblings will be expecting?

I will be very, very blunt here.

The fact that someone else's life is hard does not give them a right and excuse to make other's lives hard.

People can have sympathy and people generally tolerate a lit, a lot especially when it comes to sen, but everyone has a limit. And non stop screaming in the garden is quite frankly a limit for many if not most. You cannot with straight face expect people to toleerate everything while refusing to do something to mitigate the effects on them.

@Xmassprout

What do you propose they do exactly if their child is having a meltdown? Are they to politely ask the child to go inside? Or pick them up and take them inside and probably make the meltdown worse?

Do you think they're unaware of how loud and disruptive a child hysterically screaming is?

This behaviour is not normal. This child probably needs help for some sort of behavioural disorder.

WTAFhappened123
Using SEN as an excuse boils my blood! There is NO reason to leave a child in garden screaming even if they have SEN!!

If this relates to my message about giving the boy some more time... for the record: I never let my dc scream in the garden - ever!
But on the other hand, you seem to have no idea about SEN if your blood boils so easily, otherwise you would know that certain SEN issues can bring parents almost to their knees.

The parents leave them outside so they dont have to deal with them! Probably hoping they will grow out of it soon. Maybe if u do say something they will realise. I would. Or at least go out there and scream too 😆 I'd def do something

The fact that someone else's life is hard does not give them a right and excuse to make other's lives hard. disability is not an excuse and disabled people have rights beyond the norm to protect them from attitudes that would limit their lives still further.

This is like that thread about the quiet resort where some poaters who had a disability and were sensitive to noise (or their children, it has been a while) were basically told tough luck about the noise levels.

disability is not an excuse and disabled people have rights beyond the norm to protect them from attitudes that would limit their lives still further.

But no one is arguing they don't have rights beyond the norm. What the argument is about is that even that rights end somewhere.