Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

[mrkrp]

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

If either one is working with the other looking after preschool dc, or both working, then there are limited free hours. Say 4 per weekday evening and 16 per weekend day.
So in total 52 hours each week are available tops.
So if the cyclist spends a disproportionate amount of the hours away on their hobby then it reduces available time for:

Family time
Domestic drudgery (which by default ends up lumped on the non-cyclist)
Time for the non-cyclist to enjoy their own time away

So you

To give another perspective on this - the all day bike rides actually exclude women from cycling as a hobby, precisely because they don't feel able to spend the whole day away from the kids
Pardon! What is stopping mothers from arranging their own cycling club going later on another day?

A week or so ago was a thread about a father suggesting a more male parent activity than the one arrange by the mothers and the consensus was that if he didn't like what was being organised, they could sort something out themselves. Surely the same spies here?

But if a child is 10 and all they've had is a dad being a shit and absent parent, that means the dad is a shit and absent parent
You don't say he is a potential good future parent to a teen and therefore a good parent now
Well yes, but so what if I deed he makes it up for it later when the mother happens not to be as good a mum then? Should we conclude when the child is 15 that she is a crap mum because she isn't so present then?

Stereotype bingo!
Yes, that was the point! Funny how female stereotypes are pointed so much quicker whilst male ones are deemed ok!

I think if you are a sahm of school age dc then this might make it different for you, you do have "me time" and "down time" and time to sort the house out etc, if you both work that time is truly condensed.

Isn't it a bit of a cop out by some dads though if they don't get involved with DC when they are younger (and usually involving more work) and wait until they can do fun stuff (which they are more interested in and involving less work) when the DC are older.

What happens if the mum decided teenagers are more fun too so pretty much ignore the DC before then? Funnily enough she doesn't usually get a choice.

Building running into a commute would (I assume) make your commute longer, therefore less time with DC. But that’s okay?
Exercise on lunch break while wfh instead of doing household chores, which inevitably would need done later is okay?

I don’t see why a 4 hour chunk of golf/ cycling is bad, but a an hour 3 or 4 nights/ days a week is fine? It can be arranged for early mornings/ later when dc is asleep, or around nap times for younger children?

Exercise is an essential part of life, the Eve fits are endless. Golfing and cycling are both hobbies children can do with parents, so long term could be bonding time. Yes, there is something wrong if one parent spends 10 hours every Saturday & Sunday playing golf, but 4-6 hours exercise a week isn’t too much. Both parents should be endeavouring to do that.

Y’all need to communicate and plan with your partners if they aren’t pulling their weight around the house.

I have to say I'm enjoying the number of claims about men who cycle when I cycle, my DH cycles, we share domestic load, childcare and both have time for our hobbies (albeit less time than pre DC).

It's about time people woke up and realised that if their husband is a selfish manchild who doesn't do his share it has fuck all to do with a bike and everything to do with the fact he is a selfish git who is happy to opt out of domestic and family responsibilities. It wasn't the bike that did it, and it's not enjoying bike rides that's the problem. It's not a cycling problem. It's a husband problem.

Maybe instead of the usual warning ‘Not all Men’ we should have a ‘Not all cyclist’ instead

I don't think hatred of hobby cyclists stops with some on MN, for the various reasons mentioned above. Those men who I will refer to as admirers of the views of Jeremy Clarkson don't want cyclists on the road because it might add ten seconds to their journey.

OP you've described a selfish, workaholic, absent husband and father whose behaviour meant you had no free time for at least 10 years.... and you don't know where the stereotype comes from. None so blind.

And @vivainsomnia you seem so angry, with a side order of misogyny. Is it because you recognise yourself in the responses or is it just plain old hating women being able to hold men to account?

Personally I have a very fit black belt/rugby/gym DH at home who fits his exercise around family and is lovely and I don't complain. He has some twatty friends who don't. On holidays I dive, he climbs things, I swim, he runs. It's all great. Because we all get time together and 'off'.

MrsTerryPratchett - I would never go on and describe someone else’s marriage in those terms or through such a rigid lens. I’m glad you believe you are the gold standard we should all aspire to, but maybe (shock) other people are different.

@mynameisbrian
No but not long after he changed jobs - no more trips, DC's became old enough to leave until he arrived home so I would go out and let him return to the chaos

@Reduceddutiesboredom

Building running into a commute would (I assume) make your commute longer, therefore less time with DC. But that’s okay? Exercise on lunch break while wfh instead of doing household chores, which inevitably would need done later is okay?

I don’t see why a 4 hour chunk of golf/ cycling is bad, but a an hour 3 or 4 nights/ days a week is fine? It can be arranged for early mornings/ later when dc is asleep, or around nap times for younger children?

Exercise is an essential part of life, the Eve fits are endless. Golfing and cycling are both hobbies children can do with parents, so long term could be bonding time. Yes, there is something wrong if one parent spends 10 hours every Saturday & Sunday playing golf, but 4-6 hours exercise a week isn’t too much. Both parents should be endeavouring to do that.

Y’all need to communicate and plan with your partners if they aren’t pulling their weight around the house.

Presume this was aimed at me as I said that is how I build my exercise into my day..?

Running to the office instead of getting the tube takes an extra 10 mins
It’s 4 miles for me and 5 for DH so doing that 3 times a week takes care of most of our runs with no net loss of family time. The rest is a longer weekend run in lieu of one way of a car journey so makes very little difference to the amount of weekend time we can spend as a family

Funnily enough, I don’t devote my lunch breaks to household chores so not sure what your point is there?

I am also questioning that golf and cycling are both things that children can tag along with

I don’t know any children below the age of about 15 who could safely and competently do a 3-4hr road cycle with their dad of a Sunday morning.
Same with golf. How many 14 year olds are good enough to be able to keep up with 3 moderately-handicapped men doing their weekly round, assuming they are even allowed on the course in the first place?

It’s pretty laughable to suggest these are family activities tbh, when the primary motivation for most men doing them seems to be a few hours with their mates and their shiny toys
They don’t do it for the pure love of the activity, hence how many men quickly switched from golf to cycling 10 years ago when one became a cooler way to spend money and time

@mrkrp

MrsTerryPratchett - I would never go on and describe someone else’s marriage in those terms or through such a rigid lens. I’m glad you believe you are the gold standard we should all aspire to, but maybe (shock) other people are different.

I'm not saying you can't accept that if you want. But is there anything untrue in what I said? You may not describe your marriage that way, great, we're all different. But is is a fact he has prioritised work and his hobbies over any spare time for you during the hardest parts of your children's lives.

You didn't ask for time off for ten years. But he didn't offer. I struggle to see that as anything other than selfish and sexist.

But those are all words you’ve used to describe him
@MrsTerryPratchett isn’t making wild assumptions. She is reading your own words about your husband and marriage

And I’ve read all your posts as you suggested, and I’m still none the wiser as to how you wondered what you were missing, and were flummoxed by the supposed problematic stereotype of a shit dad cyclist

Because these hobbies don’t just switch them off from family life, they switch off from their marriage. I know mines extreme and it wasn’t cycling but running but it even began to dictate when we could have sex. No amount of pointing out that the others in his club who ran early morning etc so as to still be present during the day were just as committed. It’s watching them have energy to run for 20 miles but not have energy to help you paint a room because they’re oh so tired from the job.

People end up feeling like they’re not married to you but to their hobby.

I can imagine if you haven’t been there, then perhaps you couldn’t comprehend.

It was never the fact he ran. It was that it was his priority, and all he had - and still has - to talk about. It’s the fact that he still cancels his contact weekends so he can do races because it defines him. But if you’ve not been in a situation where hobby has become addiction, it probably does seem like fuss over nothing.

Maybe there were very good reasons for him prioritising his work? Unless you know the context, I don’t think you can ascertain he is selfish.

SW1 - to clarify, if a woman is feels resentful of the time her husband spends cycling or whatever it may be, then that is valid and she has every right to feel how she feels in the context of HER circumstances. Many women will feel this way for sure and I’m not disputing that.

It is all about context and this is what gets lost on MN and why people seem to want to apply brushstroke stereotypes to everyone and everything.

@mrkrp

I take the point about the time away from going children etc, but I think it’s more than that on MN. I’ve seen many threads where the DH is under fire and people will be saying, “I bet he’s a cyclist too.”

It's an in joke on Mumsnet - just like 'I'll help you build a patio" etc

Maybe instead of the usual warning ‘Not all Men’ we should have a ‘Not all cyclist’ instead
It doesn't have to be 'not all cyclists'.
It would be nice to hear more 'my husband is a selfish arsehole who dumps the domestic load on me because he is a selfish git' and less acting like an inanimate object or hobby is the source of the problem.

Deciding cyclists are rubbish partners, lazy spouses, don't pull their weight, don't do chores, don't spend time with family, etc is just as silly as saying ^singers are awful, selfish people who want to get out of bed time, they deliberately pick a hobby that takes them out the house, they don't do housework etc'

Bikes don't turn decent men into arseholes. Selfish men are selfish men. Selfish men will find any reason to opt out.

What i suspect, and I could be wrong, is that now your children are older you are in the first stages of assessing your life without them being dependent and supplying a raison d'être for you. Your DH still has work and cycling/paragliding/diving and you have... what exactly? It's a sobering and sometimes uncomfortable thought.

You are asking basically, why don't other women make the choices you make. To subsume themselves as a wife and mother.

I think it's possible your defensiveness is actually a form of self protection. If you can deny it to us, you can carry on denying it to yourself.

IME there are two times women become feminists; when their children come into their lives, and when they leave. Seeing your DH lose not an ounce of himself and his needs and that his life essentially didn't change when children appeared and when they became sore independent is interesting. All the joy, none of the work. People work hard whether they have children or not. His labour supplied a lifestyle but if he's a workaholic he was doing it because he enjoyed it. You were facilitating all of it.

Think about what you want now. That may be hard after decades of not doing it. But having seen my elderly mother trek around northern India on her own after my dad retired, there's still time!

@SW1amp
Laughable? Really?

I was cycling 20+ miles once a week by 12, my brother has played golf since he was 9/10. We both went to karate a few times a week with my dad from the age of 5/7, black belts by 14.
My husbands family was the same, golfed with his mum a lot and would go golfing after school/ during summer holidays from a young age.

when the primary motivation for most men doing them seems to be a few hours with their mates and their shiny toys
It’s sad that that’s been your experience, but it’s definitely not the case for every parent.

I was cycling 20+ miles once a week by 12

That’s very sweet but the typical MAMIL is cycling 60+ miles once a week
So of course it is laughable that the 3-4 hour Sunday rides so beloved of these men is a family activity!

MrsTerryPratchett - this was meant to be a lighthearted thread. It was not actually a request for psychoanalysis But it’s AIBU, so to be expected, I guess.

All I can say to you is that I have not “subsumed” myself to anything. Yes it is natural to take stock of your life at all stages and I am no different to anyone else in that respect. What would you prefer I had “subsumed” myself to? A job in social services as I used to have. Would I have been a less subsumed individual then? I’m not at all sure about that.

As it is I have two masters degrees (one completed recently) and a plan to be self-employed. I am 47.

Meanwhile, if anyone is struggling, I would say it is my husband as he is in a position where he could easily retire. But he can’t because this is a problem for workaholics and often men like him (and I know a lot) tend to up the ante in terms of the hobbies etc. I can see this as a distinct pattern in his peer group. Men who no longer need to work but put all their energy into extreme activities and all that hoopla.

We had 4 children and that didn’t happen by accident. If I was not if the mindset to be a SAHM and if I didn’t actively enjoy it, we wouldn’t have had 4 children

When you are an entrepreneur (as he has been) you have to take the opportunities as and when they come. You can’t sit back or cruise in the knowledge that you have a salary coming in. You can’t have a fixed mindset about “working hours.” It can take in a life if it’s own. It is a massive pressure when you live in an expensive area in London with 4 children and a wife and things like school fees and uni and everything else he wants for his family. I respect him for everything he’s done because we have an amazing life which I would never have achieved on my own and it’s as simple as that. I supported him because I could and ultimately, like any mum, I want the best for my children. This, in our particular circumstances, was the way to achieve it. He respects what I bring to the family and if he didn’t I don’t see how our marriage could work. He is very driven yes, but that’s not the same as being selfish. Everything he has done is to secure his children’s future and to give us the best life he can. So this is why he is not a selfish cycling wanker.

@Rannva

I wonder where are all the sporty, active women. In my family I'm the one out most evenings lifting weights, mountain biking, hiking - solo or group - or taking up whatever new sport is going on in the town. It's become a weird sort of 'lazy DH' thing yet you hardly ever see the other side; "I do too many sports and now my DH is complaining'.

Because there are fewer women who can spare the time I would imagine.

But what about family time together? All I seem to be reading is DH can go cycling all day Saturday because he gives mum a chance to do her hobby all day Sunday. So when are you all together as a family? I don't think I would like such a disjointed approach to family life.

That said, DH and I are both very lazy so probably terrible examples to our children. We see them a lot though 😁

Dh would commute by bike both ways every day.

I have Fridays off and do my cycling with friends then. Sat morning Dh gets up early and does a ride while I take kids to their sports which I don’t mind as I’ve had Friday.. Sat afternoon onwards family time.

Now they are teens he sometimes goes out Sunday morning but is back by 11 ish when they get up 😁 but he won’t do this if we have anything on and always checks I am ok with his Sunday ride. When kids little he only did his commute and no weekend riding at all.