Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

[mrkrp]

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

@SW1amp
Can I ask how manage your exercise? Do you go to the gym/ running 3/4 x a week or something?

@mrkrp

If people get annoyed by hordes of cyclists in lycra on the roads well, that’s up to them. I agree, it can make for tricky driving sometimes, but at least they’re not polluting the air, I guess, and nobody owns the roads at the end of the day.

But on such threads, cyclists are always characterised as selfish wankers who are avoiding “childcare” or “family duties.” This always seems a bit presumptuous to me because how would anyone know that?

Also, quite often, if somebody is moaning about their husband not doing enough, someone will say, “I bet he’s a cyclist too.” As if it’s shorthand for crap parent.

But I genuinely don’t think any of the cyclist men I know are particularly crap parents. As I said, I would class them as more committed to their families than the average.

I've had totally the opposite experience The countless kids parties I've been to where the mum brings all the siblings in tow because 'DH is out cycling/golfing/fishing'

Or the amount of times I've sat around a pool on holiday to see a mum managing all the kids, only for the dad to saunter back at beer time after having spent the day cycling or playing golf

I am yet to see an example of a cycling man being a more committed parent than a non cycling one, and I spent nearly a decade competing at a relatively high level in triathlon and duathlon, so I've met more than my fair share of cycling men over the years

And your average weekend MAMIL is not a finely tuned athlete furthering his sport
It's a mildly overweight middle aged man who has come to the sport late in life, usually because his mates gave up golf in favour of cycling, and he likes the dick swinging contest aspect of spending a fortune on bikes and kit, and can have a lovely chat with his friends for several hours while wheezing around some roads

Dh is a cyclist and a great dad. What he's not is a great husband. The nature of his work means that he's frequently on international calls when most people's workdays are long finished. Add to that his hours cycling on a weekend mean we have practically no time together. He's more available for our teen DC during the day when I'm at work.

I resent the cycling because if he's not working all hours he's finding a way to get out on his bike. I'm so low down his list of priorities (he denies this) that it's causing problems. His solution is me getting a bike. I hate cycling and he knows this.

It's not all men, but it is a significant portion of them.

My dad had a hobby. Not cycling, but a hobby which took up every weekend from April to October. All family holidays were watching him leave for his hobby and then wait for him to return or phone saying he needed help. My mum was left to do everything else plus be the main breadwinner for most of my childhood.

I find it odd that my dad is now surprised that none of us choose to talk to him other than polite conversation over lunch every now and then. As far as I'm concerned he made his priorities very very clear and they were anything other than his children.

@Reduceddutiesboredom

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant, so am not in my typical exercise schedule atm, but ordinarily, I work it around my week as much as possible

I normally run 15-20 miles a week, depending if I'm training for anything, and build that in to my commute as much as I can
At the weekends, DH and I take DC to an activity which is about 6 miles from home
One of us drives there with DC while the other runs, and the other runs home
When one of us is marathon training, this becomes the long run, although DH prefers to get up stupidly early to do his long run before the day starts

We've both largely stopped cycling, because I just can't find/justify a 4 hour chunk which I would rather spend with DCs, but we've got a Peloton at home and quite regularly use it for a 'free ride' session in the evenings, or for my lunch break if I'm WFH. Before that, we had a turbo set up for the same

Once a week, DH and I do a zoom weights class together at home after DC bedtime, and I also do pilates once or twice a week

@moynomore

I'm pretty sure the vitriol is against the men whose hobbies take them away from family life and demands for large chunks of the weekend or evenings without the woman having the ability to do the same.

Yes I just think of Julia’s husband in Motherland. Always out doing hobbies to avoid family life, or the non-fun bit of family life like chores.

I guess some people like their husbands to be around when they're not at work and others aren't that bothered. Personally I don't think you're likely to be a brilliant dad if you're working long hours and spending your time off doing hobbies, to have any relationship you need to put in the time and effort - and when would you have the time?

@PepsiHoover

Usually the cycling obsessed husband uses it as an opportunity to shirk all other responsibilities in the home and dump the children on their wives. Wife also rarely has the same amount of leisure time to pursue her hobbies.

I don't mind my DH having hobbies because we both have equal amounts of leisure time and equal amounts of house work/childcare etc. I'd be pissed off if my DH fucked off on his bike all day Saturday but moaned if I did the same on a Sunday.

Yes. This. Plus, as already mentioned, the eye-watering amount of money spent on it.

But I genuinely don’t think any of the cyclist men I know are particularly crap parents. As I said, I would class them as more committed to their families than the average.

Then I suspect you have a very low bar on what would be a good father or a good husband.
Or you are happy with the 1950s arrangement of you waiting fo the return of THE MAN of the house and keeping yout own arrangement small so you can handle it all on your own.

When your dcs were small, how often was your dh in full charge of the dcs on his own? For the full day?
How often did you go out on your own for the day?
How often did your wishes (to do whatever, incl having famikly time) took precedence over his cycling? Or did everthig had to be organised around the cycling/hobby?

Sorry i meant that when a partner goes out for the day like this (yes often cycling because it seems to be one of those all emcompassing hobby), it's not possible to do all the things above.

And if they are not, they are not, in my book, a good husband or father.

People that post on MN are doing so usually because they are not happy. So hobby posts where one person doesnt show any consideration to their partner/spouse or DC will lead to folks being judgemental and recently their has been a few cycling posts. Man books a two week trip away with cycling mates and wife is left to deal with DC, man goes straight to gym afterwork 5 days a week and doesnt spend time with his DC etc etc,

You say you went on holiday recently and 4 out of ten days your DH was elsewhere. Do you actually do anything as a couple or family? I am assuming your DC were on this holiday too given they are teens. Did he take them diving or was that another thing he did on his own?

I don't have a cycling obsessed husband or and children. But as pp have said it seems many use it as a way to shirk lots of family responsibilities and the mum / wife rarely seems to het the same amount of time for a hobby.

Personally I'm not massively keen on these types. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the phrase full kit wanker? But this is exactly what cyclists tend to be. It originated from people who ware full football kits but is often used fir those just beating a bit ott in their dress for an activity. Such as walkers and cyclists.

They look and act like they're going the bloody tour. When actually they're going for a pootle. The completely unnecessary wearing of lycra and all the gear is embarrassing. It's really gatekeepy too. Once my dad asked me what I cycled in and I just said what I was wearing that day. You don't need special kit to ride a bike. Most of the time you don't even need a particularly good bike.

Also if liek to ask why does mumsnet hate video games? It comes across as pretty ignorant if I'm honest. It's as if you all don't know about the amazing storytelling and imaginary in them. It makes you look stupid if you judge a subject on very little knowledge and assume the entirety of the subject is what little you know. BTW.

@mrkrp

I am not trying to be obtuse. I have already said that if a woman is on here, expressing resentment about her husbands hobbies, then that’s how she feels and that’s that.

I’m talking about the judgement on here that all men who work long hours and do a lot of sports are crap fathers by default. I don’t think it’s that simple.

I’m quite curious as to what makes a dad good or non-crap, which can be done while not spending much or any actual time with his kids

Someone who works long hours and then on top of that actively chooses to minimise the amount of time he can spend with his kids… what is he doing at other times to make him a ‘great’ dad?
Writing them letters?

Reading this takes me back to all those years I tolerated DH having an outside work social life - out for meals, "nipping" in to see X after work, business trips to various places (comment from Mrs colleague " shame you couldn't make it to Edinburgh last month" couldn't make it as wasnt **ING invited didn't know wives could go).
If I did arrange to go out anywhere i had to say it was an hour earlier than it was to make sure DH was back in time with the car and to be with DC's.

@RacistAngst

Sorry i meant that when a partner goes out for the day like this (yes often cycling because it seems to be one of those all emcompassing hobby), it's not possible to do all the things above.

And if they are not, they are not, in my book, a good husband or father.

What if mothers go for an all-day cycle trip? Or fly abroad for a conference? Or attend a two-day championship competing for Britain?

Are they also shit parents too?

And if so - wow, this cult of the child really has to stop. You can actually have a life and some kids; it's not hard or neglectful to do so.

fiftiesmum i hope he is now an ex....

@RacistAngst

But I genuinely don’t think any of the cyclist men I know are particularly crap parents. As I said, I would class them as more committed to their families than the average.

Then I suspect you have a very low bar on what would be a good father or a good husband.
Or you are happy with the 1950s arrangement of you waiting fo the return of THE MAN of the house and keeping yout own arrangement small so you can handle it all on your own.

When your dcs were small, how often was your dh in full charge of the dcs on his own? For the full day?
How often did you go out on your own for the day?
How often did your wishes (to do whatever, incl having famikly time) took precedence over his cycling? Or did everthig had to be organised around the cycling/hobby?

I travelled for work, did 14 hour days for 3 months on a retraining course and left DH frequently in charge for the whole day. At the weekends I'd also pursue interests, see exhibitions or lectures etc, leaving him in sole care.

It's surprising how rare that seems to be. 2021 and men who still don't parent solo. Weird.

@mrkrp

I just think it’s too simplistic to say men who are “there” less are worse parents by default. Some may well be, but you can’t assume. Maybe the wife is also “avoiding drudge” because she has a cleaner or other hired help? I don’t think there’s a blueprint for “good parenting” and it’s not always about how much you are “there.”

With four kids under 7, there must have been YEARS when someone had to be "there". And he wasn't. So you had to be (unless you had a great deal of help). Did you have whole, regular days off when he had all four? If not, it's unfair. You might be OK with unfair but many women aren't.

I really don't understand your point unless you believe that mums are carers and dads are providers.

Also, quite often, if somebody is moaning about their husband not doing enough, someone will say, “I bet he’s a cyclist too.” As if it’s shorthand for crap parent.

It's a semi humorous way of commenting based on a stereotype. Similar to pilots being cheaters. Or vegans pushing their agenda. Or any other stereotype.

To answer the questions above -

“When your dcs were small, how often was your dh in full charge of the dcs on his own? For the full day?”

This is a fair point and the answer is hardly ever / never. But this is not so much that he would have refused to do it if I’d asked, more that I was generally b/f (4 kids) or just didn’t ask for whatever reason.

“How often did you go out on your own for the day?”

As above. But, the flip side is, once they were all in school I had all day to myself. So swings and roundabouts. We both got our “me” time, just in different ways.

How often did your wishes (to do whatever, incl having famikly time) took precedence over his cycling? Or did everthig had to be organised around the cycling/hobby?

To be honest, I can’t think of a time where this has been an issue. I don’t really organise myself around his hobbies. I just do what I need to do regardless.

The other issue is (and these days he can recognise this himself) is he’s a workaholic, no question about it. So when you’re with that type of person, you need to be quite independent, in a sense. If I need help with housework or whatever, I’d just get help in rather than get frustrated that he’s not doing it. Also, he is a very energetic person and very hyper so always had energy for the kids. And his work and the money from it has given them a lot of options in life they wouldn’t have had otherwise and we understand this. So maybe this is why I put up with things that others wouldn’t.

@mrkrp

To answer the questions above -

“When your dcs were small, how often was your dh in full charge of the dcs on his own? For the full day?”

This is a fair point and the answer is hardly ever / never. But this is not so much that he would have refused to do it if I’d asked, more that I was generally b/f (4 kids) or just didn’t ask for whatever reason.

“How often did you go out on your own for the day?”

As above. But, the flip side is, once they were all in school I had all day to myself. So swings and roundabouts. We both got our “me” time, just in different ways.

How often did your wishes (to do whatever, incl having famikly time) took precedence over his cycling? Or did everthig had to be organised around the cycling/hobby?

To be honest, I can’t think of a time where this has been an issue. I don’t really organise myself around his hobbies. I just do what I need to do regardless.

The other issue is (and these days he can recognise this himself) is he’s a workaholic, no question about it. So when you’re with that type of person, you need to be quite independent, in a sense. If I need help with housework or whatever, I’d just get help in rather than get frustrated that he’s not doing it. Also, he is a very energetic person and very hyper so always had energy for the kids. And his work and the money from it has given them a lot of options in life they wouldn’t have had otherwise and we understand this. So maybe this is why I put up with things that others wouldn’t.

So you are a SAHM with a workaholic husband, and you admit you put up with things others don't, but you can't understand why there are family set ups which find this unworkable/intolerable?

I think you were realy lucky to be able to just bring help in and pay for it when yu needed it! many women don't have that luxury. And they work.

So they are in a situation where

• they need help but don't get it
• work so their own downtime is also at teh WE, when all the chores also need to be done. Cu for that woman to 1- never have time for herself and 2- as a family, there is also no time to go out and do things as a family.

Basically, if you are happy with an organisation 1950s style, then yes it can work. Not manageable if you work/have lower revenue etc... so you end uo never seeing each other and one partner doing all the work....

Can you see the difference?

@Rannva, I agree iwth you.

But if you had seen my DH's face when he was put in charge of the dcs on his own.... You would have thought you had asked him the moon. He was foul all the time he had to actually step up (to do what fathers who are sparated do, aka looking after their own dcs EOW)

I didn’t say I didn’t understand there are family set ups where this would be unworkable.

In fact, my point is that all family set-ups are obviously different and this is exactly why you can’t assume anything - ie. “all men who cycle are selfish tossers who are neglecting things at home.” It’s a specific MN stereotype I was wondering about, that’s all.

What if mothers go for an all-day cycle trip? Or fly abroad for a conference? Or attend a two-day championship competing for Britain?

Are they also shit parents too?

Sorry @Rannva, I mean as an every week, every weekend type of situation.
I can't see an issue with mothers travelling for work, going away training/competing etc...
The issue is where one parent is NEVER there. As in the OP case, where the father (but I would say the same from the mother) is not there during the week because workcoholic, not there half of the weekend (because cycling).
I am wondering when this guy actually saw his dcs and spent meaningful time with them tbh....