Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

[mrkrp]

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

To take DD to read and relax, I actually had to make dinner for DS2 and leave it for him, bc apparently DH doesn't know that DC eat what adults eat.

I go out regularly on a Sunday for a ride with a mate - both our children are adults though.

We were cycling back late morning and a man was cycling in the opposite direction. This cyclists was full sports mode with a bike trailer with his children in.

We did smile and say wonder if the other parent has said

of course darling I have no problem with you going for a bike ride but you'll have to take them with you....

www.alamy.com/stock-photo-cyclist-towing-baby-in-trailer-during-the-annual-stelvio-bike-day-10826186.html

the children seemed happy chatting away together

@ivykaty44

I go out regularly on a Sunday for a ride with a mate - both our children are adults though.

We were cycling back late morning and a man was cycling in the opposite direction. This cyclists was full sports mode with a bike trailer with his children in.

We did smile and say wonder if the other parent has said

of course darling I have no problem with you going for a bike ride but you'll have to take them with you....

www.alamy.com/stock-photo-cyclist-towing-baby-in-trailer-during-the-annual-stelvio-bike-day-10826186.html

the children seemed happy chatting away together

There was a man I used to see competing at a lot of races who used to push his adult son in a wheelchair

The son was profoundly disabled, and the dad’s coping mechanism was to run a lot
Eventually, his wife had enough and said he could only carry on running if he took the son with him because she couldn’t cope with being left at home to deal with the son alone while he went out and enjoyed himself

They were a regular fixture at most marathons and half marathons, even when the dad was well into his 70s, and they raised loads of money for charity

Obviously a really lovely way to channel their situation into something positive but also an insight into a lot of men deal with a stressful home life - literally running (or cycling) away from it

This is them - Mick and Phil
micknphil-marathonlads.com/about.php

"My wife gave me an ultimatum in early 2002, "either take Phillip in his wheelchair running with you, or pack it all in as, as I cannot cope any longer".

@mrkrp

Ok, you're husband is not a wanker BECAUSE HE PAYS FOR YOU NOT YO WORK (and apparently to have a cleaner on top of that) so you weren't overloaded with drudgery after a busy working week, and your kids always had an actively involved parent around rather than being in childcare then shoved in front of the telly so mum could catch up with all the housework etc because Dad did the square root of fuck all in terms of housework/childcare. In effect, he outsourced his parenting/life partner contribution to you by paying you a "salary" to do it for him. Which if you were both happy with the arrangement is absolutely fine. No-one is talking about your (incredibly privileged and unusual) situation. They're talking about the (far more usual) situation of a two income household where mum becomes default parent despite working outside the home just as much as dad, because dad thinks his leisure time takes priority over his family. So you're getting defensive about an accusation that is not being levelled at you.

And goodness aren't you at pains to point out how rich you are (awaits accusations of chip on shoulder). I'm beginning to think this whole thread is a massive Stealth boast, and you basically want to make it plain what a great life you have a kept woman because now your kids don't need you as much you're feeling insecure about that choice and your place in the world.

I don’t know any children below the age of about 15 who could safely and competently do a 3-4hr road cycle with their dad of a Sunday morning.

12yo DS did many 3-4 hr rides with his dad. 3-3.5 hrs for 50 miles, iirc.

tbf, DS did one Sunday morning club run but he needs the medium-speed not fast group DH usually rides with, and DS has a job on Sunday mornings now, anyway.

The Sunday club runs are typically only 4 hours, maybe 5 with cafe stop. I'm when people say "all day" = 5 hrs.

Having idle chitchat with a colleague about my return from maternity leave and mention a friend who was a SAHM with three kids under four. Colleague replies "I guess that must've been us when our third was born. And that would've been around the time I took up road racing, which is very time consuming. Jane (his wife with a professional job of her own) would've been really busy."

He said it so blithely, like it was a completely unavoidable coincidence that he took up a time consuming hobby when it meant taking him away from the drugery of three small children and no family nearby. That of course it had to be this hobby, and of course he couldn't possibly do it for a few hours a week, it's mandatory for it to be all consuming.

Oh yes, I have met men like this. And every time it’s been a new or new-ish hobby that they’ve picked up and must now do at an all-consuming level. Never “I’d like to start running, so I’m going to do Couch to 5k and then get into Parkrun on Saturdays”, more “I’d like to get into running, so I am now going to spend a fortune on gear and train for a marathon, which will of course require a 6-day training schedule and a carefully managed diet that everyone else will need to work around.” And then a couple of years later running is out the window but he’s got a new £3000 carbon fibre bike and a new reason to be out of the house most evenings and weekends.

Hard to escape the conclusion that the appeal of the hobby lies less in the hobby itself and more in the idea of doing something intense and competitive and new and fun, and far more interesting than changing nappies or reading Biff Chip and Kipper.

And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with the hobby or with wanting to do it. I would also prefer to be out training for a marathon than reading Biff Chip and Kipper, personally. But that’s not really compatible with two working parents and young children for us at the moment, so I’d rather stick to more casual running for now than expect DH to do everything else to facilitate my hobby.

@mrkrp

I didn’t say I didn’t understand there are family set ups where this would be unworkable.

In fact, my point is that all family set-ups are obviously different and this is exactly why you can’t assume anything - ie. “all men who cycle are selfish tossers who are neglecting things at home.” It’s a specific MN stereotype I was wondering about, that’s all.

Oh ok. I see you’ve clarified it to all men who cycle or spend large amounts of time at work and hobbies AND have a wife who is happy to get less for herself in the relationship then this lot have a marriage with a state of mutual contentness which you think is the equivalent of both being good parents. Obviously ones not parenting exactly but if everyone’s happy it’s fine.

Personally bleugh but I guess if you’re all happy. Hope the kids grow up to expect more of themselves /their partners as dads though.

Also, they are still selfish tossers, they’ve just found women genuinely happy to support them as selfish tossers. Bet the children would have loved more dad time.

And every time it’s been a new or new-ish hobby that they’ve picked up and must now do at an all-consuming level. Never “I’d like to start running, so I’m going to do Couch to 5k and then get into Parkrun on Saturdays”, more “I’d like to get into running, so I am now going to spend a fortune on gear and train for a marathon, which will of course require a 6-day training schedule and a carefully managed diet that everyone else will need to work around.” And then a couple of years later running is out the window but he’s got a new £3000 carbon fibre bike and a new reason to be out of the house most evenings and weekends.

This! They are the definition of “all the gear, no idea” and want to spend their way out of their lack of knowledge and fitness

The amount of chubby men I hear discussing their carbon bottle cage that was 36g lighter than the one they had before, for a mere £200…
While their beer guts hang over the top of their £200 Asos shorts, because they can’t devote enough to it to actually lose 36g of weight

I was very surprised when I first saw how MN considers "hobbies" to be a dirty word but I don't think I know anyone who uses cycling/golf etc in the way a lot of people describe, to get out of helping at home and to specifically be absent.

Personally I'm all for interesting and time-consuming hobbies that keep the mind sharp and/or body fit, that give me or DP satisfaction or aesthetic pleasure or simply a goal in life. But neither of us use our hobbies in selfish ways.

It wouldn't cross my mind to blame the hobby itself. The problem isn't cycling or golf, it's that your husbands are selfish people. And... well, you married them. You picked them.

I spent a lot of time ascertaining DP's character before I really committed to him, and that's without marriage or kids even being what I want. Do all these selfish DHs change overnight? Was there no sign AT ALL before you got married to them?

I was very surprised when I first saw how MN considers "hobbies" to be a dirty word but I don't think I know anyone who uses cycling/golf etc in the way a lot of people describe, to get out of helping at home and to specifically be absent
There's definitely useless, selfish men who will find any excuse to opt out of family life. What people forget is that they were selfish and useless before their new hobby, and would be selfish and useless with a different hobby, and selfish and useless if they did nothing but hang around the house. It isn't a hobby problem. They're just in a relationship with an arsehole.

Unfortunately there's enough posters on here who don't have their own interests that they find it mind-boggling that there are couples and parents out there who had hobbies before children and still have hobbies once they become parents, and because both parents value a life outside the family unit they manage to have family time, share the load at home and have time to themselves for their own interests.

I'd be walking away from any relationship if a man told me he expected me to drop my hobbies because he doesn't have any so it's not fair. He can have equal time to do what interests him, or he can sit at home feeling bitter, but I'd not be killing my interests for it.

@LolaSmiles

I was very surprised when I first saw how MN considers "hobbies" to be a dirty word but I don't think I know anyone who uses cycling/golf etc in the way a lot of people describe, to get out of helping at home and to specifically be absent There's definitely useless, selfish men who will find any excuse to opt out of family life. What people forget is that they were selfish and useless before their new hobby, and would be selfish and useless with a different hobby, and selfish and useless if they did nothing but hang around the house. It isn't a hobby problem. They're just in a relationship with an arsehole.

Unfortunately there's enough posters on here who don't have their own interests that they find it mind-boggling that there are couples and parents out there who had hobbies before children and still have hobbies once they become parents, and because both parents value a life outside the family unit they manage to have family time, share the load at home and have time to themselves for their own interests.

I'd be walking away from any relationship if a man told me he expected me to drop my hobbies because he doesn't have any so it's not fair. He can have equal time to do what interests him, or he can sit at home feeling bitter, but I'd not be killing my interests for it.

Tl/dr it's not the coke, it's the snorter.

Absolutely agree gannet and Lola.

Bikes are inanimate objects they do not have the power to turn helpful caring men into selfish knobs !

Also sorry but why are the wives putting up with it? Firstly Dh is not a selfish sexist or I would not have married him certainly not had kids with him. Secondly if he weirdly changed personality and tried to leave me to care for pre schoolers on my own while he went cycling for days at a time I would go mental!

To often when I read about these men who work all hours and on top spend hours / days / weekends on hobbies it is as if they married to get a housekeeper and parent for their children.

I would hate to feel like I had to fight for time with my DH. I should be someone he enjoys spending time with and I should be a priority in his life not an afterthought. You can obviously have hobbies etc but when it gets to the point where your DH would far rather be doing his hobbies or at work you have to wonder at the point of your relationship.

Op - perhaps a different way of looking at things is that people who criticise men who work and hobby a lot, with not much time with kids, are really saying that they personally would not wish to be married to such men.

I mean - different people are different and can have different family set ups and be happy. Some people are fine with kids at boarding school and some kids like it too; some people don’t want that for their family. Some people have spouses that work away from home for 6wks then have a concentrated full family time at home - that’s also fine, but not something that everyone would want.

The Sunday club runs are typically only 4 hours, maybe 5 with cafe stop. I'm confused when people say "all day" = 5 hrs.

It's not just the ride time you need to take into account, though.

It's the prep, the getting there/back, the coming back and cleaning the bike, unpacking/washing all the kit, having a shower and then them generally being so tired afterwards that they don't want to do anything else.

If a ride starts at 9am on a Sunday and takes five hours in total, that probably means they're out of the house 8am-3pm at a minimum. Then add on probably almost another hour of unpacking the car, showering etc. and it's now 4pm and the day is gone. What is there to do as a family at 4pm on a Sunday when you have young kids?

My DH cycles - it doesn't remotely bother me but then I'm not stuck at home dealing with small children all day as a result.

But his 4-5 hour rides are very time-consuming. It's getting all the gear ready, sorting out hydration drinks and taking snacks, sorting his bike, degreasing things and cleaning mud off and sorting laundry - adjusting brake pedals, packing/unpacking the car, having a shower etc etc. There's no denying that, as a hobby, it's very time-consuming and bloody expensive

Tl/dr it's not the coke, it's the snorter
You do realise that being a selfish arsehole of a man is not comparable to someone having a drug problem.

But this is Mumsnet where a worrying number of people would rather blame a bicycle than their husbands/partners for their husband/partner's shitty behaviour. It's much more comforting to decide that cyclists must be lazy, feckless and don't do their share of domestic life than to consider that plenty of people with hobbies (including cycling) manage to have hobbies AND do their fair share.

It's a sad day when men's shitty behaviour is routinely blamed on an inanimate object rather than on the man who chooses to dump the domestic load on his wife/partner.

I don’t think anyone’s blaming the bicycle for turning a decent bloke into a wanker. I have a bike, I’m nice.

More that when people post things like “and then on Sundays I get up with the triplets at 5,30am, do all the laundry, mow the lawn, repaint the kitchen, take cat to vet and run DS1 and DD to swimming lessons, then home in time for lunch and naps and ironing, all while DH does his hobby”, there’s a fair chance said hobby has DH zooming up a hill in expensive sporting gear.

There's a cultural component to it. If a man was ignoring his family to sit in the pub and play darts, he couldn't justify it. But buy a bike and download Strava and suddenly it's a worthwhile and healthy way of avoiding families, condoned by all.

Dressing twattishness up in Lycra gives it a sheen of justification, which is exactly why some men do it.

Don’t be disingenuous OP. It’s not about the cycling. It’s about the vast amounts of time and effort some men spend to actively avoid engaging with their own family, which is always to the detriment of the mother. Your kids are older and self sufficient now so it just reads like you’re all happy doing your own thing. That’s fine. It’s not when they’re little and you’re left literally holding the baby because husband simply must go and cycle for four hours.

And it’s totally 100% the same as any other hobby. Gaming, going to the pub, reading - if it becomes something that you do instead of being an active parent and partner then it’s a problem. But cycling and reading have a veneer of respectability that other activities don’t.

@GoldenOmber you clearly think about the impact on the whole family and the other parent. Unlike a lot of other people

@MrsTerryPratchett that is definitely as aspect to it and an attempt to justify it

@MrsTerryPratchett

There's a cultural component to it. If a man was ignoring his family to sit in the pub and play darts, he couldn't justify it. But buy a bike and download Strava and suddenly it's a worthwhile and healthy way of avoiding families, condoned by all.

Dressing twattishness up in Lycra gives it a sheen of justification, which is exactly why some men do it.

Definitely. Cycling is exercise and is therefore seen as a nice, wholesome way of passing the time.

But if you said that your husband like to spend the same amount of time in the den playing FIFA, he would be slammed as a lazy parent who CBA with his kids.

Of course cycling isn't the problem as such, but it's definitely given more of a pass than other hobbies (that take up the same amount of time) are given.

I think it did give him more energy, so in a way he had more energy for the kids the rest of the time

The rest of what time? He was out playing rugby every weekend, and every other weekend paragliding, and boxing once a week. In his gym, then the other stuff when he could. Assuming he also had a full time job, he must have had a few hours with the kids at most,

If you were happy with that, happy to have a part timer who decided his own stuff was more important than looking after the kids so you could perhaps have more energy to deal with them, or, you know, him actually being a parent, then fill your boots. I’m happy that my husband plays an actual part of raising our daughter.

Before we had her, he had a motorbike he’d bugger off on and yes that was great. He is working today and it’s been nice for my daughter and I to do our own thing, but if he decided he needed to go off cycling tomorrow, then off to train three times in the week, then off again at the weekend, I’d be having words.

He made you default parent. Fabulous if it worked for you, but most would rightly see that as shirking responsibility and needing to grow up.

GoldenOmber
That's the undertone to much of the sweeping comments about what cyclists are like though. It's all about why cyclists are this, that, and the other, rather than the fact some men are useless, selfish gits who opt out of domestic life.

Replace cyclist with other hobbies and it becomes clear how silly it all is (could you imagine a reply about how terrible gardeners are and that they're awful parents or shitty spouses because they use some of of weekend to mow the lawn and weed the veg patch/flower beds?) I think a PP was right when they said lots of MNers get a bit funny about adults having hobbies and interests and a life beyond their partner/children.

The problem isn't cyclists. Like you, I cycle and so does DH. We have friends who cycle too. None of them are arseholes either.

The problem is arsehole men who opt out of family life. It's a shitty man problem, not a cyclist problem.