Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

[mrkrp]

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

@mrkrp

I didn’t say I didn’t understand there are family set ups where this would be unworkable.

In fact, my point is that all family set-ups are obviously different and this is exactly why you can’t assume anything - ie. “all men who cycle are selfish tossers who are neglecting things at home.” It’s a specific MN stereotype I was wondering about, that’s all.

What you actually said was 'what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?'

The problem: is it's fucking rude and lazy for a parent to opt out of family life for large chunks of the week/weekend to indulge their hobby

What you are missing: the vast majority of families like spending time as families. Not mum plus kids, because manchild dad needs to have a pissing contest with his mates about who has the most aero wheels or carbon accessories
Not caring about a parent that absents themselves from spending time with their children is a bit sad and tragic, even more so when you've somehow concluded that they are an amazing parent, despite them not wanting to actually spend much time with their kids

@mrkrp, I think the answer is because very few people live in the situation you describe so the negative far outweight all the possible positives and make it unworkable for the vast majority of women/couples.

If you expect that parenting and HW is shared 50/50, then going out for the day cycling is just not possible.
If you expect the father to spend meaningful time with his dcs, not the least to build a relationhsip with them, it's not possible. etc....

Hence the idea that cyclists are using that as a way to move away from holding all those responsibility as a parent and partner. Because they are not physically there to do it!

OP It's not cycling per se, it's the fact that (usually) men have a time consuming hobby that means they are away from their kids/ responsibilities at home for hours and days at a time. Unless the women have an equal amount of time (should they wish) then it is unfair.

You seem to be saying that because you didn't want or need that time for your hobbies, then other women shouldn't either, or shouldn't be resentful of not getting it.
You have martyred yourself, congratulations. Other women don't want to do this, and would prefer their husbands to be more available to their children/ take up more of the slack.

Also, you stated that your husband never had the kids on his own for the day because you didn't ask. But why should you have to ask - surely he should have offered sometimes, to allow you go off and do something fun for yourself? That's what a partnership is about.

Also, you said that it's about 'quality of time not quantity', I don't agree - for many mothers, they don't have the choice of quality over quantity when it comes to small children. Somebody HAS to be there with them, doing the grunt work, which usually isn't quality time.

The fact that if falls to the mother because the father is unavailable (doing his hobby) is not a coincidence.

Only children decide if a mother or father are a good parent. A wife cannot decide that their husband is a great Dad. The children and the children only make that decision and the decision often isn't made until they themselves are an adult.

It's also very telling that you made your other comment about 'why don't wives get stick for opting out of the grunt work when they hire a cleaner'
Which strongly suggests you see cleaning as women's work to be endured by a wife
Not a household task to be shared...

@Redjumper1

Only children decide if a mother or father are a good parent. A wife cannot decide that their husband is a great Dad. The children and the children only make that decision and the decision often isn't made until they themselves are an adult.

I disagree with this...

I know DH is a good dad, because I can go out for the day or evening and know that DC will get cooked meals they like, served appropriate portions, be put in their right pyjamas, read one of their favourite stories and put to bed at the right time.

I know far too many women who would get a call asking what to give the DC for lunch, or be asked what time they should go to bed, or do they need their hair washed tonight

I also know that when DC are ill, or hurt themselves or just need a cuddle, they are as likely to go to DH for that as they are to come to me.

To me, that makes him a good parent, because I know he has a great bond and is seen by them as a caregiver who can make them feel better

Again, not something I see in all dads, and something that pretty much never happens when the dad is a workaholic who then fucks off to a golf course or hilly road for most of the weekend

PSSSSSST - OP - You are not allowed to mention the sports. It is illegal in MN to call it anything except "hobby".

What you are missing: the vast majority of families like spending time as families. Not mum plus kids, because manchild dad needs to have a pissing contest with his mates about who has the most aero wheels or carbon accessories
Frankly, if my OH was so condescending about me and what means a lot to me, I indeed would not want to be around them much and would rather cycle.

When you reach such level of contempt, isn't it time to question whether you should be together?

I know far too many women who would get a call asking what to give the DC for lunch, or be asked what time they should go to bed, or do they need their hair washed tonight
That probably be my dad. Yet when I turn a teenager, he was amazing. So much more understanding of what I was going through and supportive than my mother. Many of my friends felt closer to their dad than mum at that age.

Good parenting is not just what we get the first 10 years or less of our lives.

@SW1amp

It's also very telling that you made your other comment about 'why don't wives get stick for opting out of the grunt work when they hire a cleaner' Which strongly suggests you see cleaning as women's work to be endured by a wife Not a household task to be shared...

Yes, that's a what the actual fuck moment.

To give another perspective on this - the all day bike rides actually exclude women from cycling as a hobby, precisely because they don't feel able to spend the whole day away from the kids.

Men go out at 6am and don't come back until 2pm. Some women want to do that but they tend to be older and have grown up kids. Some of us would just like two hour rides, but cycling is run by men, for men.

Sorry for the digression but it's kind of relevant!

I don’t see myself as a martyr at all and where did I say women shouldn’t have hobbies, just because I don’t? I do have some hobbies anyway (not particularly amazing or “outing”) I was just responding to a specific question.

No I don’t see cleaning as a women’s job but obviously, it’s one of those things that needs doing and if I was the one at home and he’s overseas then he can hardly vacuum from NYC or somewhere can he? 4 kids can make a lot of mess and I never had any family support or nannies or similar, so if I needed the cleaner to do more I’d ask her. That’s all I was saying on the subject of housework responsibilities.

@vivainsomnia

I know far too many women who would get a call asking what to give the DC for lunch, or be asked what time they should go to bed, or do they need their hair washed tonight That probably be my dad. Yet when I turn a teenager, he was amazing. So much more understanding of what I was going through and supportive than my mother. Many of my friends felt closer to their dad than mum at that age.

Good parenting is not just what we get the first 10 years or less of our lives.

Good parenting is what you get in the round of the child's life, surely?

So when they are 20, you can look back and say on balance, there was more good parenting than bad

But if a child is 10 and all they've had is a dad being a shit and absent parent, that means the dad is a shit and absent parent
You don't say he is a potential good future parent to a teen and therefore a good parent now

@mrkrp

I don’t see myself as a martyr at all and where did I say women shouldn’t have hobbies, just because I don’t? I do have some hobbies anyway (not particularly amazing or “outing”) I was just responding to a specific question.

No I don’t see cleaning as a women’s job but obviously, it’s one of those things that needs doing and if I was the one at home and he’s overseas then he can hardly vacuum from NYC or somewhere can he? 4 kids can make a lot of mess and I never had any family support or nannies or similar, so if I needed the cleaner to do more I’d ask her. That’s all I was saying on the subject of housework responsibilities.

If your husband was frequently abroad, and you had no family help or paid help, does that not make it all the more outrageous to you that his first priority on coming home was to fuck back off out again on his bike or one of his other hobbies?!

Unless you've got some real 1950s view of parental roles, I can't actually follow your logic of how he gets a free pass to do whatever he wants except be around for his children, and that somehow makes him a great parent

In your OP, you posed the question 'what am I missing'

Do you now see what you are missing?

@mrkrp

I’m not cool in the least, but when he’s out on his bike, it just means I can have a lie in or do something else. To be fair, our kids are teens now. I can’t remember when the cycling starts really, but he goes out most days. He’s out now. Before that it was other things, but I must like my own space I guess?

Exactly. Your kids are teens.

My exh spent most evenings and weekends going cycling and other hobbies. He had to stop most of his weekend cycling when I divorced him because he realised that otherwise he wouldn’t see our children at all. Exh tried to leave our DCs with his mum a few times to go cycling but she soon realised that he was being selfish and started refusing to help every time.

My DH has never owned a bike, golf clubs, fishing rod or Lycra clothing. These were things I always asked about on a first date!

@MsTSwift

Honestly if you can’t beat them join them. Lost 2 stone cycling. It’s great! And not too hard on the joints detest running.

Yeah. Our 3.5 year old would just have to run along behind

SW1amp - well it’s hard to miss what you never had because my husband never worked predictable or fixed hours. So this whole thing of, “when he gets home at 7pm, he does x,y,z and I do a,b,c... “ never really applied to us. He’s self-employed so I guess “work time” and things like cycling or car racing or other “events” often merge. It’s not like he ever had a fixed job or a salary scale or fixed working pattern. So I don’t rely on that and just do what I need to do.

If it’s something important with the kids like a school show or whatever he would always be there if at all possible. Also, he does things with the kids I wouldn’t dream of, like he takes them camping and on survival weekends etc. I agree with a pp that some men come into their own with the it’s as they get a bit older. He does make an effort on his own way, which I think is all anyone can do really. Nobody is perfect are they?

OP, it does sound as if you have conditioned yourself to believe that if your DH is happy, you're happy.

What makes you happy? Apart from having a lie in without him (do you have lie-ins when he's about?) or spending time alone on holiday?

Everyone needs their own time and space, but your descriptions are more about him being a workaholic who was away lots, and then was away for sport lots. But it's ok as you all benefited from the money he made, and he was happy, and you liked it when he wasn't around.

It just sounds a bit sad to me, like a half existence whilst his life is full.

@vivainsomnia

I bet the majority of those whinging about their man cycling spend more time on social media, forums and the rest moaning about the world than their man spend on their bike. As for how much they spend on online shopping....

Stereotype bingo!

kids not it’s!

@TomPinch

But what I’m trying to say is, people in MN seem jump to the conclusion that cyclist husbands are selfish as default - with no information as to the family set-up.

Gender issues aside (for in my case it was DW leaving me with all the chores and money-making responsibilities), there does seem to be something about cycling that makes it particularly liable to toxicity.

It's expensive. The culture is unrelenting. It says you're a Better Person with a More Meaningful Life the faster you go. It's bollocks.

They get addicted to Strava

BigPyjamas - well admittedly, life is easier if he’s happy, yes. Whether that’s conditioning or not, I couldn’t say. My life is also easier when my kids are happy. Isn’t that true for everyone though?

I don’t think I have a half-existence. Ok I don’t have the big career and I’m not the type to need extreme hobbies. But I suppose get pleasure out of life other ways so it is what it is. I’m a very different personality type to him so maybe we balance each other out. People have said this about us. I’ve been with him 20 years, so something must be working

But to go back to your original post which asked 'what am I missing' and 'what is the problem' and said 'I don't care' about multiple hobbies

Are you really saying you can't see an issue with a husband who could be spending time building a relationship with his children, pulling his weight around the house and spending time as family unit, but instead prioritises time indulging a hobby?
Especially when that is on top of long and unpredictable work hours which means he already misses out on lots of family life?

I am just totally baffled that you are so mystified as to why many women find this behaviour problematic. Mystified enough that you started an entire thread about it, rather than thinking to yourself 'yeah, it works for us, but I can see how it drives other women absolutely loopy'

I agree with @BigPyjamas that you've conditioned yourself to accept this is your lot in life and you're not going to get it any better so why complain
Still doesn't explain why you expect all other women to do the same though.

SW1amp - If you read my other posts I’ve explained that several times.