Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

[mrkrp]

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

Yes I see the point about it being used to avoid family time. However, maybe the wife wants a break too? Also, I imagine far more men do nothing useful in terms of the family without even bothering to leave the house. Bring disengaged is a state of mind, I would have thought?

I'm confused as to why you're complaining about vitriol about cycling, but have compared it to video gaming in a way that implies this isn't also a perfectly valid hobby...

Live Action Role Playing, OP.

My colleague got really fed up of her husband (who she got together with when her kids were teens) going out cycling or other sports straight from work, coming back at 9ish throwing dirty kit in the machine, never being there for dinner or a conversation and then being too tired to do anything. She was a runner too, lots of friends, hobbies, walking the dog but I think she just got a bit 'is this it', felt taken for granted on running the house/dogs/dinners and said if it didn't change she was going to ditch him.

I probably know about 100 men who I would describe as keen cyclists. Some are semi-pro. I would say, in terms of their attitudes and commitment towards their wives and children, the cycling DHs are well above average (on a national scale, as I estimate it).

Yes I see the point about it being used to avoid family time. However, maybe the wife wants a break too?

Bet you her idea of ‘a break’ isn’t sorting out baths and bedtimes and nappies and next day’s packed lunches because Mr Rapha’s out for another 80-mile training run.

I probably know about 100 men who I would describe as keen cyclists

Laughing at you thinking you know what these 100 men's wives think of their hobby. And semi pro isn't a hobby.

I only compared it to video gaming because if I had a man taking up space in the home with that and ignoring his children in the process, that would wind me up. I hate the background noise and that kind of thing makes me very claustrophobic. I’d rather he was out doing whatever.

Because mothers rarely get the chance to spend the same amount of time on their own interests and hobbies.

Because there can be a default assumption that the children are the mother's hobby and so therefore it is fine that she is left to do most of the childcare and housework while her husband is out cycling or larping or whatever

Some mumsnettwrs have selfish husbands who don't pull their weight, but it's easier to get annoyed and blame the the hobby than it is to accept that for the most part they're choosing to remain in a relationship with a man who doesn't do his share. Then it becomes a silly in joke that any time a man is selfish or avoiding doing his share, he must be a cyclist.

There's also mumsnetters who could have a hobby at some point in the week, choose not to, and then moan that their husband goes for a bike ride one weekend morning, usually whilst saying something like "but family time..." as if having children means adults should cease having their own interests and a life beyond the house.

@mrkrp

Because I’d rather have a husband who goes out on a his bike, then one who spends loads of time in the pub or playing video games.

It's not like they have to be spending loads of time doing one of the above though. There are men who don't take the piss with their hobbies.

I think I see where you are coming from, but you phrased it badly. Not all cyclists are terrible neglectful MAMILs, and I would far rather have a healthy cyclist DH than an overweight, pubgoing workaholic who is useless with helping out, which seems to be the norm. Cyclists are just easier to target on all sorts of unrelated threads. My MAMIL DH manages to do four hours a week to himself and more than his share of childcare and housework plus he makes time for me to do whatever activities I want. My friends who are SAHMs really resent their partners having any sort of sport or exercise but are the first to sit around for an hour during ballet lessons gossiping and standing around so they can be first at school pick up 25 minutes before school finishes when they could be exercising or learning to do macrame or roller skating.

What I’m saying is, I know a lot of women, as friends or neighbours or through the various schools. A lot have cycling husbands. Most of the DHs in this street cycle - a lot. It’s ubiquitous round here it seems. And none if the wives are that bothered. If anything, they like the space. My DH does hundreds of miles a week. Whatever puts him in a positive frame of mind is fine by me. I’ve just told him I don’t want to hear about his routes and personal bests and paraphernalia because it’s one of those things that you have to be there really, otherwise it’s boring. Before cycling it was paragliding mainly, and that was worse because whole days were wasted waiting on hills for the right wind.

So how much time does he spend doing things as a family, doing things round the house, compared to you (especially before the DC were teens)

What I’m saying is, I know a lot of women, as friends or neighbours or through the various schools. A lot have cycling husbands. Most of the DHs in this street cycle - a lot. It’s ubiquitous round here it seems. And none if the wives are that bothered.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Just because the DH's cycle a lot, doesn't mean the wives are happy about it, or that loads of arguments don't occur as a result.

I mean, I'm sure some people are genuinely happy and don't care that their DH's are out spending hours a week on hobbies, but that won't be the case for everyone.

I also imagine you'd feel differently if you had multiple small children and were left every weekend for hours to deal with all of them while your DH went out for 5-6 hours on both days.

Cyclists are just easier to target on all sorts of unrelated threads
Nail hit on head here.

Want to laugh at someone's body as they wear appropriate exercise clothing? Come on mumsnet to mock men for wearing lycra, pile on with spiteful bitching about beached whales, MAMILS, how awful they look, how they think they're in the Tour deFrance, and other needlessly nasty attacks on strangers' bodies.

Want someone to blame for being late? Come on mumsnet and blame the mean cyclists who slowed you down for 5 minutes, rather than accept that any accident or slow moving vehicle, or roadworks, or diversion might hold you up, so you probably didn't leave enough time.

Want to play a game of ^where should people be allowed to cycle"? Join Mumsnet and hear how bikes shouldn't be on the roads, shouldn't be on the pavements, and shouldn't be on cycle paths unless they're prepared to cycle slower than walking speed

Problems with knowing where a bike is? Don't worry, they should ring a bell because otherwise the speed freaks creep up, but if they ring a bell then it's aggressive and intimidating.

Mine is absolutely using it as a way to avoid doing boring household shit that is boring and he doesn't get a bastarding chufty badge for doing.

It goes like this:

Buy spendy bike.

Buy very spendy kit to go on spendy bike.

Do no fitness work whatsoever, for weeks.

Suddenly decide to ride spendy bike stupid number of miles having done nothing more than nip 1/4 mile to Halfrauds and back to hand them 90% of our income for some shiny doodad.

Ride spendy bike 498098323049820938432 miles in one day.

Spend next 8 weeks suffering from multiple injuries as a result of being an fat bastard rammed into an expensive shiny lycra MAMIL outfit.

Bike gets locked in shed under all the other toys, until some scroat nicks it.

Repeat next year.

Whilst he is fixing bike, buying things for bike, trying on lycra, fiddling with the seat, hacking bits off the bike, nailing new bits on the bike, plotting routes to ride the bike and actually riding the bike and recovering from riding the bike.. he is not doing any household chores.

If its too wet to ride the bike, play computer games.

glares at £500+ shiny heap in the yard, looks other way, glares at unhoovered floor, bloke on a computer game draped in idle hair shedding dogs

I don't even have small children to look after, I just get left to do all the house-admin, life-admin, thinking and earning whilst he plays with fucking bikes, computer games and twatting bastarding model trains.

If you have teenage children, like your own space and have enough money to waste spend on bikes that's great.

Cycling is often child-avoidant, time-sucking, money-burning nonsense. Also, shaved legs and Lycra on men .

Pre DC I had horses. Anyone who has horses knows they consume your whole life, all of it. They also burn money in every way possible.

I tried to continue post DC and spent a year dumping poor DH with the baby every night while i went to see to the horses and sneaking out on a morning again to do it.
Poor man never complained but one day I woke up and realised I was being extremely selfish financially and time wise and there was no room for DH to do anything outside of work because I wasn’t there to take turns with the childcare.

I suppose it’s one of those things, if you’ve no commitments then great but if your part of a shared partnership then downtime should be split 50/50 as well as spare money IMO. I also realised spending time with family and my DH was more important and my relationship has improved massively since I am actually at home. I still ride but just not obsessively, it’s more of a go ride and come home type of thing which I’m happy with.

I wouldn’t be happy to have a partner as selfish as I was and I often wonder why he put up with it

Maybe I’m not explaining myself very well here. What I’m trying to say is, I understand how the appearance of hordes of men on bikes at weekends may appear as hordes of men avoiding spending time with their children at home. And maybe some of them are. Very likely they are. But equally, there will be men who stay in bed or mooch round the house (getting in the way) who still do sod all. It’s an attitude of mind, regardless of the hobbies you do (or don’t do).

Yes there was a time when I had young children - of course. I haven’t forgotten that! I am a SAHM so that was my life. In those days he used to go paragliding (maybe one day every other weekend). He used to do rugby on Saturday and boxing one night mid week, plus his own training in the basement. So quite a lot. Also sailing and diving whenever he had the chance. But I think it did give him more energy, so in a way he had more energy for the kids the rest of the time, if that makes sense. He works very hard so I just accepted that was his balance. Otherwise, what’s the alternative? A stressed out frustrated husband. I can’t be dealing with that day in day out.

I've told this story on here before.

Having idle chitchat with a colleague about my return from maternity leave and mention a friend who was a SAHM with three kids under four. Colleague replies "I guess that must've been us when our third was born. And that would've been around the time I took up road racing, which is very time consuming. Jane (his wife with a professional job of her own) would've been really busy."

He said it so blithely, like it was a completely unavoidable coincidence that he took up a time consuming hobby when it meant taking him away from the drugery of three small children and no family nearby. That of course it had to be this hobby, and of course he couldn't possibly do it for a few hours a week, it's mandatory for it to be all consuming.

We have two small children and two full-time jobs. During the week our days start at 6 and end at 8:30, by which time we're too knackered to do much more than collapse on the sofa. If DH thought he could fuck off for a sizeable portion of the weekend he'd be told where to go. Even if he "allowed" me do the same that would leave next to no time for us to have time as a family - I know the notion of "family time" gets a lot of hatred on MN but I do think it's important, especially since we're all out all day during the week.

he used to go paragliding (maybe one day every other weekend). He used to do rugby on Saturday and boxing one night mid week, plus his own training in the basement. So quite a lot.

By my reckoning that's about one day in 14 (generously) he spent with his family. And thousands of pounds spent regularly.

Did you have three days 'off' every fortnight and thousands of pounds to spend?

By all means you can choose that life. But both DH and I work full time pard and spend time with each other and DD. He doesn't get more time off and money than me. I'm not his staff.

I think it's about men using their leisure time to avoid doing their share of the housework. If there's a SAHM in the picture it's a little different (though weekends should be shared), but if both work and one partner is constantly swanning off to cycle and leaving all the grunt work to the other, that isn't acceptable. It's laziness in a different form.

Maybe I’m not explaining myself very well here. What I’m trying to say is, I understand how the appearance of hordes of men on bikes at weekends may appear as hordes of men avoiding spending time with their children at home. And maybe some of them are. Very likely they are. But equally, there will be men who stay in bed or mooch round the house (getting in the way) who still do sod all. It’s an attitude of mind, regardless of the hobbies you do (or don’t do).

But nobody is saying otherwise.