Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

[mrkrp]

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

Cycling golf and cricket are not compatible with small children if you want to have equal feee time and spend time together as a family.

Now my kids are older I am back to long distance swimming and DH golf and cycling. I don't swim for about 5 years, I just don't have the time for it.

Crickets never coming back in the agenda though - even ore kids was a pain in the arse and meant he was checked out of every Sunday in the summer.

You're explaining yourself fine you just aren't listening. People, usually with younger kids, with disengaged husbands who abdicate family life in favour of a hobby are a big problem that people come here to complain about. Congrats on that not being your experience and having older kids. It is the experience of other people. Not sure why you are coming back saying the same thing again and again.

despite the fact they are “there” less (either because of work or cycling / other hobbies), I wouldn't say they are worse fathers or husbands as a result because surely what matters is quality over quantity of time?

When you both work full time, there just arent enough hours in the day. In the evenings the cleaning, tidying, life admin has to happen, on the weekends its the shopping and the swimming lessons etc because when you both work & have young children who are still in bed at 7pm, those cant ever happen after school in the week.

DH and I dont get much leisure time at all, so if one of us claims all of it, not only does the other get none, they also do two people's worth of house jobs and parenting while the other person is off cycling/playing golf etc

But what I’m trying to say is, people in MN seem jump to the conclusion that cyclist husbands are selfish as default - with no information as to the family set-up.

that's because as a rule, if you're posting about your DH's cycling on MN, it's because it's a problem. As a rule, those MN posters whose husbands are cyclists but AREN'T complete dicks about it, don't post.

@WiddlinDiddlin

Mine is absolutely using it as a way to avoid doing boring household shit that is boring and he doesn't get a bastarding chufty badge for doing.

It goes like this:

Buy spendy bike.

Buy very spendy kit to go on spendy bike.

Do no fitness work whatsoever, for weeks.

Suddenly decide to ride spendy bike stupid number of miles having done nothing more than nip 1/4 mile to Halfrauds and back to hand them 90% of our income for some shiny doodad.

Ride spendy bike 498098323049820938432 miles in one day.

Spend next 8 weeks suffering from multiple injuries as a result of being an fat bastard rammed into an expensive shiny lycra MAMIL outfit.

Bike gets locked in shed under all the other toys, until some scroat nicks it.

Repeat next year.

Whilst he is fixing bike, buying things for bike, trying on lycra, fiddling with the seat, hacking bits off the bike, nailing new bits on the bike, plotting routes to ride the bike and actually riding the bike and recovering from riding the bike.. he is not doing any household chores.

If its too wet to ride the bike, play computer games.

glares at £500+ shiny heap in the yard, looks other way, glares at unhoovered floor, bloke on a computer game draped in idle hair shedding dogs

I don't even have small children to look after, I just get left to do all the house-admin, life-admin, thinking and earning whilst he plays with fucking bikes, computer games and twatting bastarding model trains.

Have literally no idea why you would want to spend your life with someone like this, other than it giving you the opportunity to dress it up as a funny story.

@SoundBar

The number of hours they spend doing their hobby, and the amount of money they spend on it, while their DW doesn't get a reciprocal arrangement.

This. They go out for very long bike rides (or rounds of golf) while wifey has to look after the kids.

I just think it’s too simplistic to say men who are “there” less are worse parents by default. Some may well be, but you can’t assume. Maybe the wife is also “avoiding drudge” because she has a cleaner or other hired help? I don’t think there’s a blueprint for “good parenting” and it’s not always about how much you are “there.”

Well it doesn't take a genius to work out what the problem might be. Think you are being purposely obtuse here OP, or maybe just goady.

My Dad cycles, so does my step Mum. They also run together and are part of clubs for both.

Difference is, his children and her children are all adults.

They work together too, in the business they own (it’s just those two, no other staff).

If they had young DC and my step Mum was pissed at my Dad and didn’t have equal hobby time, I would absolutely back her up with that and tell my Dad he was a shit.

@mrkrp

I just think it’s too simplistic to say men who are “there” less are worse parents by default. Some may well be, but you can’t assume. Maybe the wife is also “avoiding drudge” because she has a cleaner or other hired help? I don’t think there’s a blueprint for “good parenting” and it’s not always about how much you are “there.”

Well when youre not there A LOT because you are off indulging yourself in something you like to do, while your partner is stuck at home with ALL the drudgery, it's hardly fair, and yes it makes you a shit parent and a shit partner. Stop being ridiculous.

I don’t think there’s a blueprint for “good parenting” and it’s not always about how much you are “there.”

Most children would disagree with you.

Mrkrp I think you are almost being deliberately obtuse here.

It is problem if you are not there enough if the other person does not have enough time to do the things the family needs to do.

Have you worked full time at all while also having children?

@mrkrp

I just think it’s too simplistic to say men who are “there” less are worse parents by default. Some may well be, but you can’t assume. Maybe the wife is also “avoiding drudge” because she has a cleaner or other hired help? I don’t think there’s a blueprint for “good parenting” and it’s not always about how much you are “there.”

If they're lumping all the work / life / family admin they're not just a worse parent, they're making the other parent worse too, by sheer fatigue.

Oh fgs. You're a "SAHM" of teenage children, i.e. unless there's disabilities at play you are largely a lady of leisure. Of course it doesn't bother you if your husband is out most of the week nights/weekends, why would it. You are very well rested and your kids largely look after themselves.

The resentment sets in when you've got young kids, been working all week and doing all the drop offs and pick ups and dinners and bedtimes (because man is too busy with his More Important Man Job) then come the weekend when you might hope for a bit of back up he lycras up and fucks off with his mates leaving you to amuse the kids whilst trying to do the housework. And then gets in a panic if you try to, e.g., go for a drink with your friends one night.

I am also a bit dismayed by your apparent suggestion that a disengaged attitude from husband's is unavoidable, and so your choice is them loafing around the house in the way or disappearing most of the time then popping up to Disney Dad for half an hour or so because he's so energised from basically playing all day. Is it totally unimaginable that someone might expect their husband to actually got involved in family life to an equal extent?

I am not trying to be obtuse. I have already said that if a woman is on here, expressing resentment about her husbands hobbies, then that’s how she feels and that’s that.

I’m talking about the judgement on here that all men who work long hours and do a lot of sports are crap fathers by default. I don’t think it’s that simple.

@vivainsomnia

There is a lot of jealousy, resentment and insecurity involved. They have fun, they are fit, they are usually healthy. These men are not body conscious, and feel good about themselves, they reach the goals they set for themselves, something that many of their annoyed wives wish they were and could do too.

My OH cycles a lot, I do a bit but do other sporting activity. Some of my OH's friends wives hate them going on rides. They bring up the children but this not really the issue because they are more than happy to look after them on the Sunday for the sane amount of time. The problem is that these wives don't want free time to do some sport, they just don't want their husband to have fun and feel good without them.

And you know this because....?

@mrkrp but if they work long hours and also spend many hours on their hobbies, when do they actually have time to be a ‘dad’ (and partner) with all that being a dad entails.

Well it sounds like your DH has, and always has had even when your children were small, a good life. One in which he has done whatever he pleases and indulged his many interests. Yours sounds very dull, as if your life has basically been just to facilitate his. But I guess if you're happy that's the most important thing. Doesn't take a genius though to understand why some women would not be happy with very unequal leisure time

Yes I do have teenagers now, but obviously they haven’t always been teenagers (like the time when they were 6, 4, 2 and a newborn)

@mrkrp

I am not trying to be obtuse. I have already said that if a woman is on here, expressing resentment about her husbands hobbies, then that’s how she feels and that’s that.

I’m talking about the judgement on here that all men who work long hours and do a lot of sports are crap fathers by default. I don’t think it’s that simple.

I imagine it's because most of the women who don't have a problem with have no need to post. My DH cycles, plays golf, and watches football. It is not a problem for me because I go off and ride my horse. So therefore I don't post about it.

Our children have grown up and moved out though. I might have had something to say about it if he was fucking off to do these things and leaving me with the kids though.
Fortunately he's not a dick, so he didn't.

“Yours sounds very dull...”

This is the kind of default assumption I mean.

@mrkrp so did he do similar when on holiday when DC were young, go and spend hours doing his own thing? Did he do that when at home? What did a normal weekend look like when you had 4 DC 6 and under?

Im talking about the judgement on here that all men who work long hours and do a lot of sports are crap fathers by default. I don’t think it’s that simple
How would you feel about a woman who worked very long hours then spent all her spare time diving, cycling and paragliding? Maybe once a fortnight spent some time with her 4 kids? Crap mother?

@mrkrp

I am not trying to be obtuse. I have already said that if a woman is on here, expressing resentment about her husbands hobbies, then that’s how she feels and that’s that.

I’m talking about the judgement on here that all men who work long hours and do a lot of sports are crap fathers by default. I don’t think it’s that simple.

You're not making yours sound brilliant though, tbh...

I’m talking about the judgement on here that all men who work long hours and do a lot of sports are crap fathers by default.
Well, if someone has to be with the dc it’s not him is it as he’s not there. So he can’t be a good dad, perhaps a neutrally absent dad for your dc is your goal in life?
But since you’re just goady, if I were a sahm of teenagers my life would be pretty cushy so maybe I would try hard not to criticise dh to not rock the boat. I won’t be of course as I work, and when dc are that age that’s when many of the sahms go back to work since there’s the time available for that.