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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

276 replies

mrkrp · 08/09/2021 18:06

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrkrp · 09/09/2021 10:02

Just because I don’t feel the need to be throwing myself off cliffs or cycling endless miles doesn’t mean my life has been “dull.” It just means I get enjoyment from life in other ways. If DH feels the need to be doing x,y,z to relax and for his mental health, that’s up to him. But it doesn’t mean I’m dull or a drudge. These things are irrelevant to me.

OP posts:
ExceptionalAssurance · 09/09/2021 10:03

I wonder were they irrelevant to the kids?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/09/2021 10:04

A lot of posters are saying it's not the cycling, it's the time. Its say a whole day out of the weekend, or the activity holiday taking up annual leave. If the wife did that then there would be no family time.

Your argument is 'well its better that he is out cycling and engaged the rest of the time, than staying in bed / gaming / being at home but not present and engaged'.

And yes, that's true, but it isnt a case of one or the other. I'd personally prefer someone like my husband who is present and engaged at home, and does a hobby that takes him out for an hour at a time, 3x a week, and 2 of those hours over his lunch break. He isnt 'getting under my feet' or mooching about pissed off because he would rather be doing something else when he is here, he is doing his share of looking after our young kids and spending time together as a family at weekends as we both work so time as a family isnt really quality in the week. I imagine as they get older we will go off and do more things for ourselves (I am a cyclist but not fit enough to do it for long yet).

If we were on holiday with young kids and he disappeared for two or three days cycling, then I did the same, then our family holiday time together as a family would be halved, and as the kids are mostly in holiday clubs and school and nursery anyway we both want to see them on holiday

One thing I agree with you though is the comments about lycra/ looking ridiculous in lycra. Who cares, and people should exercise in what they feel comfortable about. I sometimes think that's why people dont state what their husbands hobby is because you get shit remarks about the hobby (eg stupid golf outfits, or gaming being an activity for teenagers only) rather than the actual problem

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2021 10:05

@ExceptionalAssurance

I wonder were they irrelevant to the kids?
Much like the ops children’s dad from the sounds of it.
DeepaBeesKit · 09/09/2021 10:05

But when your children were all young who:

  • did the housework
  • did the cooking
  • did the stuff for kids (clothes shopping, school admin,drs appointments)?

Can you see how your model only works if you have a SAHM to enable the DH to both work long hours and spend plenty of time on childfree hobbies?

SD1978 · 09/09/2021 10:06

Because not every adult wants to have their entire weekend lost to another adult partners hobby. Not every adult is ok with their children losing out due to an adults hobby. You don't care you don't see him- that's fine. Many people want to spend time with their partners on the weekend though.

DeepaBeesKit · 09/09/2021 10:08

Difference is my DH and I split the load. First thing on sat am we all do cleaning and tidying together. Then late morning Dh is taking to DC to an activity. We will all go out for lunch together. Then I am taking to one on sat while DH does the shopping.

On sunday we have plans to go to a country park in the morning, together. In the afternoon DC has some stuff to do for school. I'll help with that and DH will cut grass/do gardening with younger DC.

thegcatsmother · 09/09/2021 10:13

My dh has a non cycling hobby that meant we didn't have family holidays as he had a three week hobby camp every summer. It meant he'd spend weekends after a busy work week off doing the hobby every weekend in the season for the sport. He'd leave at 0700 on a Saturday morning and return at 2000 on a Sunday night.

Now he has retired and I have gone back to work now we are back in UK. He does this hobby at least two days a week, one of which is at a weekend. I work full time, do the domestics, ask for things to be done in the house, but it doesn't happen because researching hobby, watching YouTube about hobby. As far as I can see this hobby is the excuse for ducking out of domestic responsibilities that he doesn't enjoy. His hobby is not a spectator sport, and he one told me I could join in by running the catering for the club. No thanks, I do enough catering at home as it is.

Reddittwice · 09/09/2021 10:21

DH and I have never been joined at the hip, and have always done stuff individually as well as together.
We've always shared the load and neither of us took advantage.
Sometimes the cycling quips are take more literally than they are meant to be, I think. It's a bit of a standing joke on here but it could equally be another pastime.

Henrywilldoit · 09/09/2021 10:24

Some of these men are unreal.

How and why do you put up with them? Are they millionaires? Are their nobs made of gold?

There are men out there that aren't utterly selfish you know.

It's like some women are just accepting the crumbs of what he's willing to give you after he's prioritised himself.

Reduceddutiesboredom · 09/09/2021 10:30

Spending a few hours on a hobby a week equals being a bad parent?

What rubbish.

Most of the parents in my extended family have hobbies - golf, cycling, going to the football, they all take a decent amount of time but the kids are all happy, well looked after, strong secure relationships with their parents. They appear to communicate well, split housework and ensure family time as well as 1:1 time with the kids it shouldn’t be an issue.

I don’t have experience yet - baby due soon - but I have zero intention to give up my season ticket when baby arrives.

I know some parents take it too far, pp who’s partners hobby stopped all family holidays is obviously awful, but in general he sounds like a dick and that isn’t only because of his hobby.

Henrywilldoit · 09/09/2021 10:32

I think you are a crap father if you spend the vast majority of your free time doing things for yourself away from your children especially when they're young.

It's also setting an extremely bad example that mum will just do everything.

It isn't a choice between husband being out all day or being all home lazing around and getting in the way.

Henrywilldoit · 09/09/2021 10:37

@Reduceddutiesboredom but no ones talking about a few hours spent on a hobby. This is about extremes where a large proportion of time and money is spent on hobbies, to the detriment of family life.

Reduceddutiesboredom · 09/09/2021 10:42

[quote Henrywilldoit]@Reduceddutiesboredom but no ones talking about a few hours spent on a hobby. This is about extremes where a large proportion of time and money is spent on hobbies, to the detriment of family life.

[/quote]
The hobby isn’t the problem, the husband not pulling his weight is the problem.

I’m saying it’s possible to have hobbies and be a good parent/ spouse, it takes communication and planning, but it’s possible. If it’s not working then discuss issues with your (the general you, not you specifically) partner.

bangingbins · 09/09/2021 10:49

I was attracted to my partner because he was a member of a cycling club. I wanted us to each have our tome/space. But it's a mid life second relationship for me so none of the understandable objections to this hobby apply.

SmashingBlouson · 09/09/2021 10:53

It's more to do with men avoiding responsibility. That's why I am wary of dating sportsmen, as it's very clear the sport is their first love!

I have a OH with a hobby/hobbies, but not cycling (he doesn't get a fit body doing this hobby unfortunately). I don't mind so much as I have joined a gym lately as he was keen for me to do something outside of the home - I was just getting down with the druggery of life and when I did get a chance to exercise, I was clearly much happier. He attitude is that you need time for yourself and he was nagging me to do the same, probably out of guilt. While I tried to do this at home, cleaning and kids got in the way, so I had to just walk out and do something out of the house or I would never get any time. I suggest to anyone with a DH taking up time with hobbies is to just tell them in advance you have an activity booked and without fail leave the house at this time. Tell him what needs doing while you are out (preferably leaving any chores he is dependent on himself, like his laundry, so he has no choice).

Generally though, I think there is just a dislike of cyclists. I don't mind them so much as long as they ride safely and have self awareness (many don't) and the ones I've seen forcing their 4 year olds to ride on busy roads with no cycle lane (60mph speed limit) have literally no brain in their skull. Maybe they have decided to take their kids out on dangerous roads just so they can still do their beloved sport and avoid their wives nagging. I expect that is the case.

ExceptionalAssurance · 09/09/2021 11:08

@Henrywilldoit

Some of these men are unreal.

How and why do you put up with them? Are they millionaires? Are their nobs made of gold?

There are men out there that aren't utterly selfish you know.

It's like some women are just accepting the crumbs of what he's willing to give you after he's prioritised himself.

That's exactly what it is!
Original poster
mrkrp · 09/09/2021 11:09

If people get annoyed by hordes of cyclists in lycra on the roads well, that’s up to them. I agree, it can make for tricky driving sometimes, but at least they’re not polluting the air, I guess, and nobody owns the roads at the end of the day.

But on such threads, cyclists are always characterised as selfish wankers who are avoiding “childcare” or “family duties.” This always seems a bit presumptuous to me because how would anyone know that?

Also, quite often, if somebody is moaning about their husband not doing enough, someone will say, “I bet he’s a cyclist too.” As if it’s shorthand for crap parent.

But I genuinely don’t think any of the cyclist men I know are particularly crap parents. As I said, I would class them as more committed to their families than the average.

OP posts:
CatJumperTwat · 09/09/2021 11:12

I'm getting the feeling it's not your husband who's an obsessive cyclist, but you...

Original poster
mrkrp · 09/09/2021 11:13

Grin No I just do yoga and the odd run.

OP posts:
Reduceddutiesboredom · 09/09/2021 11:22

@mrkrp

If people get annoyed by hordes of cyclists in lycra on the roads well, that’s up to them. I agree, it can make for tricky driving sometimes, but at least they’re not polluting the air, I guess, and nobody owns the roads at the end of the day.

But on such threads, cyclists are always characterised as selfish wankers who are avoiding “childcare” or “family duties.” This always seems a bit presumptuous to me because how would anyone know that?

Also, quite often, if somebody is moaning about their husband not doing enough, someone will say, “I bet he’s a cyclist too.” As if it’s shorthand for crap parent.

But I genuinely don’t think any of the cyclist men I know are particularly crap parents. As I said, I would class them as more committed to their families than the average.

I agree OP!

The cyclist parents I know seem to have more energy than most, motivated to be the best parents…it’s almost as if exercise has benefits to their physical and mental health! Hmm

@SmashingBlouson people who take kids on 60mph roads are f*cking mental! So dangerous.

Rannva · 09/09/2021 11:25

I wonder where are all the sporty, active women. In my family I'm the one out most evenings lifting weights, mountain biking, hiking - solo or group - or taking up whatever new sport is going on in the town. It's become a weird sort of 'lazy DH' thing yet you hardly ever see the other side; "I do too many sports and now my DH is complaining'.

Rannva · 09/09/2021 11:27

@mrkrp

If people get annoyed by hordes of cyclists in lycra on the roads well, that’s up to them. I agree, it can make for tricky driving sometimes, but at least they’re not polluting the air, I guess, and nobody owns the roads at the end of the day.

But on such threads, cyclists are always characterised as selfish wankers who are avoiding “childcare” or “family duties.” This always seems a bit presumptuous to me because how would anyone know that?

Also, quite often, if somebody is moaning about their husband not doing enough, someone will say, “I bet he’s a cyclist too.” As if it’s shorthand for crap parent.

But I genuinely don’t think any of the cyclist men I know are particularly crap parents. As I said, I would class them as more committed to their families than the average.

I used to work with a woman who "didn't understand" why I would train in a competitive sport (2 nights a week, about an hour, extra at weekends) when I had children. As if the kids were going to keel over and die because I'm an hour late home.

"I just couldn't", she gasped, hand on her heart (honest.) "I mean, they must be so lonely."

"They're with my husband," I said, incredulous.

"What?" she screeches, "Your husband LETS you go to the gym?"

I mean, where to even start with someone like this, really...

Fairweatherahead · 09/09/2021 11:27

My dh used to go away for a week with his mate and most sat or sun
I cd always do the same on another week. His buddys dw could not or didnt want ro ans she resented it.
For me the problem was the money spent .wereas for them there was enought not to affect other things.i wd like my dh to look nice clothes wise as i like that, but he wore old worn out stuff as does not care about appearance.. but had and still has ,several shiny bikes. I slightly sulk about this.

SW1amp · 09/09/2021 11:30

@Rannva

I wonder where are all the sporty, active women. In my family I'm the one out most evenings lifting weights, mountain biking, hiking - solo or group - or taking up whatever new sport is going on in the town. It's become a weird sort of 'lazy DH' thing yet you hardly ever see the other side; "I do too many sports and now my DH is complaining'.
I consider myself 'sporty', but it doesn't interfere with family life in the same way fucking off for a 4 hour bike ride on a Sunday would

DH and I met at a triathlon club, so are both very much respect each others need to burn energy, but there is a time in life when your need to be a Strava geek takes a back stage to wanting and needing to spend time with DCs and/or as a family

Replace cycling with golf or fishing or just sitting in the pub with mates.- they are all selfish and self indulgent if it means the other partner is left doing the lions share of the family grunt work at the weekends