Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

[mrkrp]

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

@LolaSmiles

If DH thought he could fuck off for a sizeable portion of the weekend he'd be told where to go. Even if he "allowed" me do the same that would leave next to no time for us to have time as a family - I know the notion of "family time" gets a lot of hatred on MN but I do think it's important, especially since we're all out all day during the week. So because you've decided you don't want to have any hobby time, you'd expected not to have any?

I'd be pissed off my husband told me I couldn't do my fitness hobbies because he's decided not to have any, especially if he started trying to guilt trip me for wanting to have an interest beyond the house and DC.

Some men are selfish gits, equally some women need to stop saying 'oh I couldn't have any time for me because I value family time'. There's plenty of couples out there who manage to have a family and maintain their own interests and hobbies outside the family unit.

No, because we have a three year old and a one year old and when we decided to have two small children close together while working full-time we acknowledged that wouldn't leave time for much else. At the minute we could maybe manage a couple of evenings a week each. Maybe an hour or two at the weekends but no more than that. I wouldn't be ok with him getting significantly more time away from work and childcare than me, no. And he wouldn't be happy with it the other way round.

It’s parents facilitating their dh hobby but then complain that they facilitate their dh hobby

They don’t seem to make the connection

I know couple of families where both mum and dad work full time and prioritise consuming hobbies and in both cases they barely see the kids or each other. Kids are dropped at the GP constantly or there's a lot of cheeky fuckery getting friends to have them at weekends. They argue over who has to "have the kids" as neither wants to

I know someone like this too; life is a constant attempt to get more time away from home. And that’s the problem with the stock response of “take up a hobby and go out all day Sunday if your DH cycles 100 miles every Saturday”. There’s never space for trips out with the kids, or time as a family, because that eats into one parent’s “time”. The kids often lose out and I’m sure the parents’ marriage must do in the end.

Yes you are missing the point that said DH is basically opting out of family life to do what they want to do with no regard for the other members of the family.

So yes your dcs are teens and dont need a lot of support, this might feel ok.
If you don’t actually want to do or spend that much time together and have very separate life, this might be ok.

Personally (and DH isn’t cycling but has hobbies that are just as consuming), I resent the fact I ALWAYS have to fit around him rather than him making an effort to fit around me. Because that’s what said hobby does. It takes priority over anything else, including his own dcs or me. Amd that’s crap.

(Not going into the fact he was also prioritising his hobby even though he was already away for work during the week and I had two under twi at home….)

@SoundBar

The number of hours they spend doing their hobby, and the amount of money they spend on it, while their DW doesn't get a reciprocal arrangement.

This. This and this.

My DH let slip that he spends circa £5 k a year on his sporting hobby. I said that I was immediately claiming the same to spend on holidays. he agreed this was fair.

(Mostly the holidays are family so benefit him also, but next year I am planning a big trip back to my home country with the DCs and he will be unable to come for it due to work).

Op you do you, but I find your posts rather odd.

You say things like. You'd rather him out cycling than spending hours gaming ignoring the children.You can have a lie in when he's cycling. You like having a 'break'. You ask what's the alternative.

You sound like you have extremely low expectations of men.

The truth is if you're a mother of young children and your husband is spending hours and hours every week doing a hobby out on his own, then you're not having a 'break' you're being left doing all the childcare and housework.

If you're on average incomes these hobbies also might be taking financial priority over for example a family holiday.

If you're genuinely happy doing all these things alone while your husband swans about like a single child free man, then that's nice for you. But don't expect everyone else to live by your poor standards.

Hobbies are a good thing to have and keeping fit is important, but it's perfectly possible to do so without shirking your responsibilities.

To be fair if I'd rather I had a partner obsessed with something active rather than just being a football fan, at least he'd be keeping fit, but I'd rather no obsessions to be honest

He works very hard so I just accepted that was his balance. Otherwise, what’s the alternative? A stressed out frustrated husband. I can’t be dealing with that day in day out.

So what was YOUR balance @mrkrp?
Because it might have worked well enough for you but as many other posters have said, it doesn’t or didn’t for them. Should they have just accepted it, get on with it because what? Their well-being matters less than their husband’s?
Because what they want out of their relationship/family matters less than what they dH wants?

What you can see on many threads in here is women getting frustrated and resentful. They either get divorced or get walked all over ‘because their DH is working so hard’. They are the ones who are miserable, have to keep all the plates spinning, run themselves to the ground all ‘because it’s his way to find balance’.

By any mean, if the other partner is ok, and has their own balance in that way, then fine.

But saying that you can’t grasp how some women find that unacceptable is showing a total lack both of compassion and ability to put yourself in someone else shoes.
Women who work full time might also want some time off and rest. They might want time to spend as a family (I did but oh surprise, DH resented that . I should have accepted that things should go only his way and he should never had to compromise on his ‘me time’). They might want time for some hobbies.
Their children might have wanted to see their dad and to spend time with them!

Men’s wishes do not trump women’s wishes.

I bet the majority of those whinging about their man cycling spend more time on social media, forums and the rest moaning about the world than their man spend on their bike. As for how much they spend on online shopping....

@vivainsomnia

I bet the majority of those whinging about their man cycling spend more time on social media, forums and the rest moaning about the world than their man spend on their bike. As for how much they spend on online shopping....

Do you assume women just like shopping then?

As for how much they spend on online shopping....

Yes, that’s fair. All those hours on Ocado. And ordering kids’ school uniforms. And gifts for the party on Saturday. It’s all such fun…

Purchasing 5k bikes without discussion and fucking off for eight hours every Sunday was a factor in my divorce.

As others have said, it's those men who go cycling without a second thought for their wife and children. Dh likes cycling but he's never done it to the detriment of me and dc. I go swimming 2 or 3 times a week too while he takes care of the dc. We work things between us to give each other time to do what we enjoy. But then maybe my dh just doesn't do it to the extremes that many other men tend to. I mean, he's got the kit and a decent bike etc, but it's more to keep his fitness levels up than anything.

I don't resent the time cycling, or the £ spent on equipment

I feel it's a shame that a long day cycling on Saturday means that DH doesn't have the energy to do much on Sunday

Doesn't matter what the hobby is, the issue is when it eats so much into family time it affects the dynamics negatively.

In my case it was football, cricket and golf! (The first wasn't an issue, playing one evening a week and occasionally on a Saturday to watch a pro game which sometimes I went too plus kids, sometimes he took one or both kids and I did other things, but cricket and golf, nightmare! He has since apologised after we split up)

Do you assume women just like shopping then?
As stereotypical as those made about men lycra.

Some men do take the piss with their cycling just as some women do with time and money spent pampering themselves but all the women I know who moan non stop about their man cycling have low self esteem, are very dependent on their OH for entertainment and hate exercise.

Mine hates missing out on family time he takes a day each holiday to cycle and we have a girls day and do stuff he doesn’t like but he still gets upset he has missed out!

Agree it’s very unfair to dump care of young children on your spouse at the weekend that’s shit behaviour whatever it is you are bailing out to do.

It's not cycling that's an issue, its the default parent expectation. The woman becomes the default parent and fits her free time around the man's work and hobbies. Both parents should have equal free time and money to spend on their leisure. Both parents are equally responsible for life admin etc.
When the DC were younger DH and I both scaled back what we did. DH probably does more of the housework than I do because I work longer hours. Now the DC are teens I am about to start a course related to a hobby that will take up the whole of every other Saturday - the impact on the family will be minimal as one DC is in Uni and the other has school sports on a Sat. I would have liked to have done the course a few years ago but it wasn't practical or fair.

It's not about whether or not a hobby is a good or bad thing, its about fairness and equality within the relationship.

Absolutely. We and everyone we know coxes and boxes to get the balance of sport for both parents and spending time together as a family. How the fuck does anyone get into the scenario where one person merrily sails off to have fun whilst the other drudges around at hone! That really would not work for me. Almost abusive and definitely divorce worthy tbh.

The reason I posted this yesterday, to be absolutely honest, is because we recently went on a ten day holiday to a European country. Of those 10 days, DH went cycling twice (most of the day) and diving twice (not all day, but early starts and had to travel to a different town fir this).

I was reading MN by the pool and there were more than a few comments on various threads to the general effect of, “ Well, I’ve never met a cyclist who is not a selfish wanker.”

To answer the pp, yes I do understand how life is different when you have young children and who some women could get resentful. I have 4 children myself! But what I’m trying to say is, people in MN seem jump to the conclusion that cyclist husbands are selfish as default - with no information as to the family set-up.

So I was sitting there thinking, “should I be bothered about this?” I don’t feel massively bothered, so that’s why I’m asking if I’m missing something (in terms of my own life, not anyone else’s). He used to do quite a lot when the kids were younger too, so maybe I’ve just been conditioned to it? I don’t know.

But also, I was thinking about the cyclist-types I know and, despite the fact they are “there” less (either because of work or cycling / other hobbies), I wouldn't say they are worse fathers or husbands as a result because surely what matters is quality over quantity of time?

@mrkrp but it isn’t just the quality family time. A lot of stuff to do with DC and home is drudge work, so who ends up doing that? So does a DH who has an all consuming hobby takes his kids to the cinema every week, so good quality time, but then spends the rest of his ‘free’ time doing his hobby, leaving the partner doing the rest of bringing up the family, doing chores etc, a good dad because he has 2 hours of quality time with them. Would he be better than a dad who doesn’t take them to the cinema but does spend time in the house helping with homework, driving them to activities, cooking their tea etc

You seem to have quite low expectations of men and fathers to be honest, quality over quantity of time spent with your kids?
Being there is more important than Disney dadding for a couple of hours.

It's not all cyclists (or golfers - that's the other one) but the reality is, that quite often when a woman comes on here to complain that her husband's "hobby" is taking up all his time and/or money and that she's literally left holding the baby, it's cycling (or golf, occasionally long distance running).

In your case, you don't have a selfish husband. that's great. But too many women find themselves being default parent 24/7 because their husband is away at least one day a weekend and a couple of nights a week doing his "hobby". With knock on additional selfishness - eg can't get up in the night with the baby, even on weekends, because, "I've got to train tomorrow and can't be tired" or eg 2 make decisions re food/drink/timings for the entire family to manage their personal nutritional needs. Or insist on the large family car because he's lifting pete, steve and mike, and their bikes, to wherever it is, leaving DW at home with 3 kids, 2 under 4, for a day with no transport....

But what I’m trying to say is, people in MN seem jump to the conclusion that cyclist husbands are selfish as default - with no information as to the family set-up.

Gender issues aside (for in my case it was DW leaving me with all the chores and money-making responsibilities), there does seem to be something about cycling that makes it particularly liable to toxicity.

It's expensive. The culture is unrelenting. It says you're a Better Person with a More Meaningful Life the faster you go. It's bollocks.

DH is a hillwalking enthusiast. I posted about it a bit when DS was younger, My main issue was he had tunnel vision about it and just expected me to pick up the child caring pieces around him.

Now DS is a teen I wouldn't actually mind DH going away, except he decided we should get a dog and has now got into climbing rather than hill walking so can't take the dog with him all the time also feels it's a bit inconvenient walking with the dog because of sheep .

I've been very hardline on this ( don't worry dog is well loved and cared for) and insist he takes dog with him or stays with dog walker if it's more than a night or so. I am actually pretty peed off about it as I don't want my DH free weekends to be dominated by dog walking ( large breed needs about 2 hrs a day) and also still some DS rugby and friend drop offs ( which I don't mind).