Cycling DH’s or those who do a lot of sports - why is this a problem on MN?

[mrkrp]

I see quite a lot of vitriol against cyclist husbands on here and I do wonder why. I get the whole MAMIL thing and yes, it’s definitely boring if they go on about it too much. But aside from that, what is the problem? I, for one, have a cycling obsessed DH and don’t care when he goes out in his bike. Not do I care about any of his other sports. Am I missing something?

My DH took up cycling lately and I LOVE it as it gets him out of my hair for a hood few hours a week.

"I like my own time"

Its not my own time with toddlers to entertain.

I work or provide childcare 5 days a week, i dont want to do it all day sunday. Plus squeezing in kids hobbies and we share chores so there is eff all time left. If DH cycled every other sat and so did i there would be one day together as a family. Out of seven. With young kids it cant be the prioritym

ExH took up marathon running and honestly it was the final nail. He is obsessive. It defines him. He would be absent from 5-9 each week day, gone till 2pm at the weekends. It destroyed us.

I swear it altered his hormones too. He might have felt good when running but his personality outside of it was all the bad bits heightened.

Honestly if you can’t beat them join them. Lost 2 stone cycling. It’s great! And not too hard on the joints detest running.

@mrkrp

I only compared it to video gaming because if I had a man taking up space in the home with that and ignoring his children in the process, that would wind me up. I hate the background noise and that kind of thing makes me very claustrophobic. I’d rather he was out doing whatever.

It does sound a bit like you are saying cycling is fine, because it’s out of the house and you approve of it, but the same time being spent on gaming is bad, because it’s indoors within earshot of the kids/partner and you don’t approve of it. Both are equally valid hobbies, taking up a good chunk of time.

I think it boils down to a parent trying to avoid responsibility will find a way of doing it regardless of the hobby; but something expensive that keeps you physically away from the house will always cause more tension.

Me and DH both got Ebikes for Christmas, I love it, exercise and riding to places I wouldn't see from the car. DH needs the exercise and he often takes DD age 7 on rides with him. I have no problem at all as he's not using it to get out of family time.

I don't have any experience of this but think it is fairly easy to understand? I can't understand what it is that you don't understand OP? "Am I missing something?" Common sense maybe?

If you are spending money and time on activities to the determent of your family then that is not a good thing. It doesn't really make a difference if it is cycling or videogaming etc. to the person who is left to do all the work.

If it is not to the determent of the family for various reasons (teenage children/wife has lots of downtime etc) well then it isn't really a problem but if you are working and getting no down time when your partner is getting loads and spending money, taking it away from the family, well then that is different.

Dh is not a dick though and doesn’t avoid drudge work through cycling or anything else. I think it’s only fair fo do any hobby intensively when kids are older though. Pre schoolers no way. Plus his cycling weekends give me lots of credit for my weekends away guilt free he has to wave me off with a smile!

@ChirpyChirp

I'm married to a cycling and running MAMIL. I don't have any issues with it at all. But DH is considerate, checks with me before arranging long rides/runs and does a fair share of house/child related stuff. He also toned it right back when the DC were young and picked it back up again once they were a bit older/easier.

Same here. I have no problem with DH's hobby, it keeps him out from under my feet!

There is a lot of jealousy, resentment and insecurity involved. They have fun, they are fit, they are usually healthy. These men are not body conscious, and feel good about themselves, they reach the goals they set for themselves, something that many of their annoyed wives wish they were and could do too.

My OH cycles a lot, I do a bit but do other sporting activity. Some of my OH's friends wives hate them going on rides. They bring up the children but this not really the issue because they are more than happy to look after them on the Sunday for the sane amount of time. The problem is that these wives don't want free time to do some sport, they just don't want their husband to have fun and feel good without them.

If DH thought he could fuck off for a sizeable portion of the weekend he'd be told where to go. Even if he "allowed" me do the same that would leave next to no time for us to have time as a family - I know the notion of "family time" gets a lot of hatred on MN but I do think it's important, especially since we're all out all day during the week.
So because you've decided you don't want to have any hobby time, you'd expected not to have any?

I'd be pissed off my husband told me I couldn't do my fitness hobbies because he's decided not to have any, especially if he started trying to guilt trip me for wanting to have an interest beyond the house and DC.

Some men are selfish gits, equally some women need to stop saying 'oh I couldn't have any time for me because I value family time'. There's plenty of couples out there who manage to have a family and maintain their own interests and hobbies outside the family unit.

I think it helps that my 'hobbies' are all quite home-based and not really that time intensive. Maybe if I also wanted to do 100km bike rides I'd be resentful about DH doing them.

Family time is important though. If DH spends a full day on his bike at the weekend, then he's always around on the other weekend day, suggesting activities, making the picnic etc.

Dh gets up very early and is back by the time our teens surface.

One friend said mournfully that she wished her Dh cycled as she could get a good break from him - he is lovely but full on big personality 😁. Our kids all early teen or older though. Once kids are older you do get your life back abit and most women emerge from just “mummy” at the weekend and want to do their own thing too.

Because runners and cyclists can't just run and cycle for their own pleasure they have to TELL EVERYONE. They have to plaster social media with how far and fast they ran or cycled. Every conversation comes back to how GOOD they are at exercise. They think they are better than other people with lesser hobbies which aren't about PHYSICAL ENDURANCE and getting that all important PB.

Plus yeh they disappear for hours leaving wives to do everything at home.

@mrkrp

Maybe I’m not explaining myself very well here. What I’m trying to say is, I understand how the appearance of hordes of men on bikes at weekends may appear as hordes of men avoiding spending time with their children at home. And maybe some of them are. Very likely they are. But equally, there will be men who stay in bed or mooch round the house (getting in the way) who still do sod all. It’s an attitude of mind, regardless of the hobbies you do (or don’t do).

Yes there was a time when I had young children - of course. I haven’t forgotten that! I am a SAHM so that was my life. In those days he used to go paragliding (maybe one day every other weekend). He used to do rugby on Saturday and boxing one night mid week, plus his own training in the basement. So quite a lot. Also sailing and diving whenever he had the chance. But I think it did give him more energy, so in a way he had more energy for the kids the rest of the time, if that makes sense. He works very hard so I just accepted that was his balance. Otherwise, what’s the alternative? A stressed out frustrated husband. I can’t be dealing with that day in day out.

So this gave him energy to play with his kids a few hours a fortnight? I can’t see how this schedule possibly gives you equivalent ‘me time’ so can’t imagine being ok with this as I expect my partner to treat me as an equal. With young dc the parenting role is full on without breaks so every time one parent is out the other is very much on duty and I’d be mad if dh didn’t pull his weight. I’ve never been a sahm and I also expect my husband to contribute while I’m on mat leave recovering from birth and looking after non sleeping babies.

But equally, there will be men who stay in bed or mooch round the house (getting in the way) who still do sod all. It’s an attitude of mind, regardless of the hobbies you do (or don’t do). wow this is a good point, Mumsnet hero worships these useless lumps, so no idea why they complain about cyclists. Wait, that’s not what happens!!

YABU

And yeah you have forgotten what life is like with young DC when you are bragging about how much you like the lie ins.

@PersonaNonGarter

YABU

And yeah you have forgotten what life is like with young DC when you are bragging about how much you like the lie ins.

Yes, I love having a break time too, and pre children really looked forward to the start of the footy season and dh disappearing half of each weekend! Then we had dc and alone time was a thing of the past as was getting any sleep and dh stopped playing football as he couldn’t commit the time and share the load at home, fair enough too as they are both of our children.

My DW was into sports cycling when the children were younger.

In theory, great. In reality it was no different to her joining a cult. The bank account regularly got pushed into overdraft with race fees, parts and bike services. She was sleeping or racing all weekend, every weekend. She insisted I cook her special food. She talked about nothing except cycling. Anything that interfered with her cycling (ie, "we have to pay the power bill") got met with fury. In the process she lost her PT job because she wasn't getting stuff done.

She wanted the rest of us to get involved and, to this day, doesn't understand that she might just have put us off a little.

Cycling = great.

The obsessiveness that often goes with it = not so great.

@SoundBar

The number of hours they spend doing their hobby, and the amount of money they spend on it, while their DW doesn't get a reciprocal arrangement.

THIS. Bloody entitlement...

@fluffythedragonslayer

Because runners and cyclists can't just run and cycle for their own pleasure they have to TELL EVERYONE. They have to plaster social media with how far and fast they ran or cycled. Every conversation comes back to how GOOD they are at exercise. They think they are better than other people with lesser hobbies which aren't about PHYSICAL ENDURANCE and getting that all important PB.

Plus yeh they disappear for hours leaving wives to do everything at home.

I know plenty of runners, cyclists and triathletes who don't. Then again they have been doing their sports for a minimum of a decade.

If your DH fits in cycling without:

• shirking his share of weekend jobs, be that housework, shopping, ferrying kids to activities etc
• never being available to spend decent chunks of quality time with you and/or your children

Then whatever... you do you.

But you must see that as a SAHM of teens (a housewife) you as a couple do not face the time constraints a couple both wohm with younger children face. Presumably by virtue of not wohm & your kids being out at school, you do all the cooking and cleaning in the week anyway?

There's plenty of couples out there who manage to have a family and maintain their own interests and hobbies outside the family unit.

I know couple of families where both mum and dad work full time and prioritise consuming hobbies and in both cases they barely see the kids or each other. Kids are dropped at the GP constantly or there's a lot of cheeky fuckery getting friends to have them at weekends. They argue over who has to "have the kids" as neither wants to . I feel sorry for those kids. Both couples literally are like ships in the night and barely see each other. I married DH because I like him, we enjoy each others company.

It’s not the cycling: it’s the hours spent avoiding housework, small children, and responsibilities that we object to

That’s a problem in your own relationships don’t project onto all cyclists 🙄 or you sound extremely silly.

Plus both being active is good role modelling for teens. It’s accepted and the norm that everyone has their sport thing - both our girls each have a sport now and are committed to them. It’s normal for them as they see us do it.