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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a sahm - AIBU

438 replies

Mintchocchip35 · 08/09/2021 14:00

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

OP posts:
thislifetoo · 08/09/2021 17:09

Sahm here also, dc's now 6 and 4, one at school one at pre sch 3 mornings a week. Neither went to nursery and didn't have a cleaner, I would say i did 99% of things when I was still married (marriage didn't breakdown because of his lack of helping!!). I was happy to do that but would have appreciate a bit more support in terms of him cleaning up after himself better, helping a little more when he could, I felt like his mother. But was happy doing all the other things and still am even though I run my own business.

Everyone's expectations are different and I would urge you to discuss it between you beforehand

moose62 · 08/09/2021 17:10

It seems to me that you are doing very little compared to him. You should be doing all the household stuff and he should also get a free pass on his only day off. I can see why this was your decision!

unlikelytobe · 08/09/2021 17:10

My friend gave up teaching to become a housewife and regretted it. She began to feel like a skivvy, there wasn't much pleasure in it for her but it was the arrangement as her DH brought in all the money and worked FT. So, yes, I think the expectation would be for you to do most of the domestic chores.

Keep your childfree day clear to do something for you - an activity, course, something more stimulating and get all the housework done on the other days. It will be a juggling act.

Could you go part-time or do supply teaching occasionally or are you desperate to get out of teaching ?

luckylavender · 08/09/2021 17:11

The Lion's share certainly as you have some free time and a cleaner.

LittleMysSister · 08/09/2021 17:12

I think it would be different if you weren't working and both of your children were in FT nursery, but that's not the case.

You are not sitting around all day, your time will be filled up too. And I guess you will still be handling the nights so your DH can sleep?

Under those circumstances, I really don't see why you should do everything around the home. Let your husband cook when he offers, and leave his clothes for him to pick up - at the very least.

Dashel · 08/09/2021 17:18

I would not be impressed at him leaving stuff on the floor, so hw would be getting told to stop that.If he wants to cook and offers then let him or cook together but I would try and do as much as possible at home so on his one day off you can do fun things as a family.

Lilymossflower · 08/09/2021 17:19

No, I don't think all the housework should fall on you

museumum · 08/09/2021 17:27

No adult (or child of a certain age) should be leaving stuff on the floor. Your dh and even your toddler should pick up their own mess.

“Tidying” should be a whole family / every individual person responsibility for everyone who wipes their own bun.

Lovemusic33 · 08/09/2021 17:30

If he’s working 6 days a week and your working 0, it makes sense that you do most of the housework. You have a cleaner for 2 hours a week so surely it’s just a case of tidying up after the kids at the end of the day, doing washing and cooking dinner ? There should be plenty of time for you to get some time to yourself and I’m sure you don’t want to be spending dh’s only day off doing housework (either of you).

2bazookas · 08/09/2021 17:34

*works very long hours usually 6 days a week.

Hard to see when he'd have time to cook.clean etc.

Thewiseoneincognito · 08/09/2021 17:36

OP Is this code for DH is doing fairly well so AIBU to start tennis lessons and fizzy luncheons with the girlies? 🧐🙄

thedancingbear · 08/09/2021 17:39

@Lovemusic33

If he’s working 6 days a week and your working 0, it makes sense that you do most of the housework. You have a cleaner for 2 hours a week so surely it’s just a case of tidying up after the kids at the end of the day, doing washing and cooking dinner ? There should be plenty of time for you to get some time to yourself and I’m sure you don’t want to be spending dh’s only day off doing housework (either of you).
Ffs. She’s working 7 days, not 0. Looking after his kids because he doesn’t want to!!!!
Mommabear20 · 08/09/2021 17:40

Currently on mat leave with a 1 year old and an 8 week old, no nursery, just me, and wouldn't dream of asking DH to do any house work when he comes home or on days off! Kids is different as that's not a job, so he should do half of what needs doing when he's home, but not everything because you did it during the day, if that makes sense?

KaycePollard · 08/09/2021 17:41

Weekends we currently bicker if dh leaves his stuff on the floor for me to pick up.

Well, I don't blame you for bickering over that. Yes, you're both working pretty much 6 days a week, and you should do the bulk of domestic labour, while he does the bulk of working for money labour, but you are his equal partner, not his servant. He needs to respect your work, not treat it casually - as dropping clothes all over the floor might suggest.

knittingaddict · 08/09/2021 17:41

Yes, I would op, even without the cleaner.

knittingaddict · 08/09/2021 17:44

Just seen that you mentioned weekends.

All weekly jobs, such as cleaning, washing and ironing were done in the week by me. At weekends we shared household tasks such as cooking and clearing up more evenly.

UserAtLargeAgain · 08/09/2021 17:48

@thedancingbear

^But that's the entire point, lol.

He can't do 50% of the childcare and domestic chores while he's doing 100% of the earning. If OP wants him to do more childcare/housework, she needs to pick up some of the financial load.

Why should OP only do 50% of the childcare and housework while he does 100% of the financial work PLUS 50% of childcare and housework?^

FFS. What does he work, 40 hours a week? 6 hours a night sleep? That still leaves a whole 80 hours a week to clean, cook, do childcare etc. Being a SAHM is effectively an 100-hour a week job - you never get to switch off. That is, unless your DP shares the burden.

So let's take your figures (which ignore that fact that being a SAHM is really not a 100 hour a week job unless you have children not sleeping through the night which is not mentioned here and that OP's DH works 6 long days so nearer 60 hours a week I'd guess).

if they split childcare and housework 50/50 then OP would do 50 hours a week and OP's DH would work 90 hours a week.

That's not a fair share of the burden by any stretch of the imagination.

HerRoyalNotness · 08/09/2021 17:50

I’d suggest you work outside the home part time.to keep your hand in. Future proofing you might say.

He should pick up after himself certainly and do the dishes after you’ve cooked. Who will do the lawns/garden?

TheSoapyFrog · 08/09/2021 17:52

While I do think you should be doing the majority of housework during the week, you absolutely shouldn't put up with picking up after him because he's lazy.
Can I ask what you will be doing on the day you have to yourself? Is it purely for leisure time or are you still doing stuff around your home? If it's the former, I can see conflict arising with your DH if he works 6 days a week, and then on the 7th day, he's doing family stuff/housework at home. When would he get a day to himself?
When is there family time and couples time?

Tbh OP, in your situation, I'd continue to work, even if it's part time because I get the feeling this isn't going to work out well.

Theworldishard · 08/09/2021 17:53

What does your.cleaner do in two hours a week??

SoundBar · 08/09/2021 17:55

Mon-Fri SAHP does chores, weekends 50/50.

Otherwise you have SAHP working 24/7 which is blatantly unfair

Feelingoktoday · 08/09/2021 17:58

“Ffs. She’s working 7 days, not 0. Looking after his kids because he doesn’t want to!!!!”

See we don’t know that. He might want to give up work but does he have the opportunity? Just because men and women work long hours it doesn’t always mean they don’t want to look after the kids. She is a teacher so good job, why don’t they go 50:50 and they would still have more £ than the average.

fizzwhizz1 · 08/09/2021 18:08

Depends weather he is facilitating you to stay at home? Is he paying for the 'household' or are you contributing from other income/savings? How were finances split before?

sst1234 · 08/09/2021 18:19

Yes

girlmom21 · 08/09/2021 18:30

@Lilymossflower

No, I don't think all the housework should fall on you
It won't. It'll fall on the cleaner.