I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

I was a SAHM for 14 years. Dh worked 6 days a week (always had stuff to do at the weekends) When the kids were small I had some help. Generally I did all the cooking and cleaning and jobs around the house and we both shared childcare and cleaning at the weekend - think I still did most of the housework as it was clear he needed a break - but he was 100% there for the kids (I did all the disciplining though - he got to be Disney Dad). We tried not to do jobs at the weekend - had lovely days out instead. He suggested we got a cleaner, we got his shirts laundered, got a gardener but I was happy and lots of free time when the kids were at school. Back at work now though and the house is a tip! Bloody teenagers!

So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends?

He works long hours 6 days a weeks so yes, 6 days a week I would expect to look after the DC or do household chores when they are in childcare.
Day 7 would be family day. Both parents muck in.

Given your update I'd go back to work and insist he cut down his hours to have enough time to do his fair share at home.

Good luck OP.

^But that's the entire point, lol.

He can't do 50% of the childcare and domestic chores while he's doing 100% of the earning. If OP wants him to do more childcare/housework, she needs to pick up some of the financial load.

Why should OP only do 50% of the childcare and housework while he does 100% of the financial work PLUS 50% of childcare and housework?^

FFS. What does he work, 40 hours a week? 6 hours a night sleep? That still leaves a whole 80 hours a week to clean, cook, do childcare etc. Being a SAHM is effectively an 100-hour a week job - you never get to switch off. That is, unless your DP shares the burden.

He's taking the piss OP. Lazy.

Cleaning and tidying are different things. A cleaner should be doing the bathrooms, vacuuming, and floor mopping. I would expect laundry and dishwasher to be your job, but it is his job to help the house run smoothly by putting dirty clothes in the washing basket, putting his plate/mug in the dishwasher, hanging his towel back up and so on.

I don't know about cooking. I work PT and "cook" properly a couple of times a week but honestly if it's sticking a pizza in the oven or doing some pasta I don't think it matters who does it. It's normally me just because I get some peace and quiet in the kitchen...

One thing that shouldn't be up to you is a massive weekly shop on any day when you've got both children. It's so much easier if one stays at home with children one evening.

You both get two “free” days otherwise whilst you’re both at home it’s 50/50 surely. If he gets to finish his work then surely you should be able to as well.

I think you should do most as obviously you're the one around but not all (preschooler and baby are a pretty hectic combination!) and you definitely shouldn't be picking his clothes up off the floor! He needs to at least not ADD to your workload so if he eats at home and you are out, he needs to wash up what he uses, he needs to pick his own clothes up and put them in the washing basket etc.

Someone might have posted this blog post but it seems relevant here!: mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Especially this bit:

There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her. I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her— literally causes her pain—because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”

I think if he carries on like this you won't feel like a team in the home at all. In your case I'd consider going back to work part time if possible.

You should be doing it all. I’d hope that your DH would want to do stuff with the kids - put them to bed/activities/reading etc and even occasional school run but I’d be taking full responsibility if I was in your shoes.

@Mintchocchip35 I don't think your DH has a leg to stand on about not picking his clothes up (I bet your toddler does!), that IS treating you like a skivvy and unfair. Lunchtime washing up I'm in two minds, if he's only had a glass and a plate or something then I would leave it too but i suspect because you're asking that probably isn't the case as I doubt you'd have an issue with just a couple of bits to be done later on.

I'd probably get him cooking a bit at the weekend as he's offered, unless you enjoy it and use it as a bit of down time away from child duty?

Glad you've got the repayment of pay sorted too, I saw it catch out a friend once so I'm always aware of it!

When I was a SAHM I considered it my “job” to take care of all the home duties a d DH only worked 5 days a week and my children weren’t in childcare!

If he was home in time to get involved in bath time then he did but all the housework, shopping etc was 100% my responsibility and earning the money to pay for EVERYTHING was 100% his responsibility.

We used the weekends for family time so not doing housework although we did often cook together on weekends.

Yes, you should be doing the majority of the washing, cooking and cleaning as you have that time at home.

However, you are not a slave. Your DH leaving his clothes on the floor for you to pick up isn't acceptable. As a pp said, if he leaves a plate and a glass on the side after lunch, that wouldn't bother me as it can be washed with the rest of the pots later. If he's cooking something elaborate for himself and leaving you to deal with the mess, that's not acceptable.

Does he do anything in the house? Any washing, cleaning etc? Tbh I think he should do some when he's at home. Also, does he spend time with the children? Bath them, play with them, read to them, put them to bed?

Whatever the set up between two adults in a relationship (both work full time, one works part time, one at home or whatever) the fairest way of arranging things is equal leisure time. This means adding up all of the "chores" that need doing in life (earning money, doing housework, looking after children, household admin etc.) and sharing them out in such a way that you both have the same amount of leisure time each (this doesn't necessarily mean you each do exactly half of each category).

So, unless you spend you child free day sitting on your bum eating bon bons and twiddling your thumbs then he shouldn't expect to do that on his day off either. Neither partner should sit down at the end of the day while the other one is still "working" (not necessarily at paid work), unless the time is reciprocated on another occasion. For example, when I'm at book club my husband does bath and bedtime for our son, then eats his own dinner and washes up so that when I get home we can just go to bed. But he's been watching the cricket highlights while I've been doing bedtimes so it all evens out.

I think the slippery slope is when the working parent thinks they can finish work and have 2 hours doing nothing as they've worked hard all day while SAHP continues the child-wrangling/entertaining.

Actually I don't think the OP does resent doing the majority of the housework, I think she maybe resents being treated like a skivvy by her husband who expects her to pick up after him. There is a difference. As a SAHM I did do the bulk of house stuff, but my DH always pitched in when he was home. If jobs built up during the week (which they sometimes did with 4 four small children) then on a Saturday morning we would pitch in to clean together, no competition about who worked the hardest because we were (and still are) a team.

Op your update suggests that this isn't about a fair allocation of tasks but rather you being a skivvy. Push back on it or you'll end up hating him. NO adult should leave their clothes on the floor for someone else to pick up. It's extremely disrespectful.

Considering your DH only has one day off work a week, I think you really should be doing the vast majority of it. You aren't his maid however, as the PP said he should still be clearing up after himself, but it does sound like you have more time to do general household tasks. Maybe not 💯, but the majority of it. If you're spending you free day off doing housework, it wouldn't be reasonable for him to have a whole day off without any housework, but is that really the case? If you have a cleaner and your eldest is in nursery 3 days a week, surely you're not spending the whole day that your youngest is in nursery doing housework? It's only fair for both of you to have a similar amount of time "off".

An adult leaving their stuff on the floor is absolutely taking the piss. No woman working long hours - there are lots of us - is doing that. It’s absolutely shitty entitled embarrassing behaviour. An adult doing that needs to grow the fuck up.

I’d expect there’d be very few household tasks left to do on the one day you’re both home - I don’t know why so many PPs can’t grasp that he works six days - but the normal maintenance stuff like putting clothes in the wash, cleaning up after meals etc is shared. And no adult walks away from a mess they’ve created like an entitled toddler, no matter what day it is.

I won't wash dh's clothes unless they're in the basket and if you have a dishwasher stuff left on the counter for no good reason would enrage me

My husband has been a 'house-husband' for the last few months while I work full-time. I expect him to do the vast majority of the housework.

In regards to your update I wouldn’t be running around after him if he was leaving his dirty pants on the floor etc as I’m sure he’s capable of doing that himself and being a SAHM doesn’t mean you’re a slave. However in your situation I would expect to be in charge of all of the reasonable household duties, yes.

I wouldn’t be picking up his stuff off the floor. In our house if something isn’t in the laundry basket it doesn’t get washed and absolutely no one would ever leave their clothes or towels etc on the floor.

On days when he is working, yes. On days when he is not it should be equal.

I'd actually be worried about the future of your relationship, moreso than fair division of labour. Its VERY hard in the situation you're describing to see how he could be seen as an equal parent, or how the housework/wifework wouldn't all fall to you. Practically, six days a week, that makes sense, but the resentment will build on the emotional side.

If his business grows, if he starts having lunchtime jollies and playing golf on a Saturday, will you be so happy to do everything? At that point, will you actually be a bit trapped by it all? I think a SAHM can make sense in some set ups but I think there's a real risk of the SAHM ultimately becoming the de facto thinker/planner/faciliator for everyone and that becoming more and more expected and thankless as years go by. I'd be concerned less by the fairness at this stage and more the potential situation that could evolve.

No, I don't like things like this.

You're doing your hours in the home, he's doing his outside the home. Some things will be easier for you to manage than him, like chucking washing on through the week, but everything shouldn't fall to you automatically.