I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

@Lovemusic33

If he’s working 6 days a week and your working 0, it makes sense that you do most of the housework. You have a cleaner for 2 hours a week so surely it’s just a case of tidying up after the kids at the end of the day, doing washing and cooking dinner ? There should be plenty of time for you to get some time to yourself and I’m sure you don’t want to be spending dh’s only day off doing housework (either of you).

OP has a one year old six days a week and a three year old four days a week. She's not painting her toenails in front of Netflix all week.

As well as tidying up at the end of the day there's laundry, changing beds, shopping, nursery runs, life admin, toddler/baby wrangling, cooking, cleaning (a 2 hour cleaner stint a week isn't going to cover much), (possibly) gardening, bins, recycling, appts like dentists, car MOTs etc.

But all of that is moot as it seems the H is treating her contemptuously by expecting her to pick up his clothes off the floor.

No to the picking his stuff off the floor or cleaning up his lunch dishes. You’re not his personal maid.

I don’t think the existing dynamic or split of chores bodes well. He sounds lazy and selfish.

When is your DH a getting one day a week to himself?
I understand that looking after kids is tough and household chores are a bore - however your DH works 6 days a week. What kind of work does he do? Some jobs are more taxing than others.

I agree with PP that both should have equal leisure time and also you shouldn't be picking up after your DH

@Mommabear20

Currently on mat leave with a 1 year old and an 8 week old, no nursery, just me, and wouldn't dream of asking DH to do any house work when he comes home or on days off! Kids is different as that's not a job, so he should do half of what needs doing when he's home, but not everything because you did it during the day, if that makes sense?

🤣🤣🤣 love this optimism @Mommabear20

Really hope it all works out for you but at 8 weeks they sleep a lot and easily.
If your still running around doing all the housework and looking after two kids in a few months I take my hat off to you. Wait until the baby is nap fighting, contact napping, getting woke up by older sibling so not napping, on the move is a whole other story, fighting or trying to pick each other up when you turn your back.
I definitely expect my DH to muck in when he gets home, after all, I've not had so much as a piss in peace so hardly a walk in the park being home with the kids!
Perhaps it's just me and I'm doing it all wrong (they both have been pretty spoilt and are were/are very held babies) but I'm always a least one step behind at the minute.

Are you 100% absolutely definitely sure you want to give up work OP? It's worry that your OH already has this attitude, and you could well be in for many years of this if you quit completely. Speaking as a part-time teacher, who went part time after my first maternity leave, and reduced my hours even more after my second, I would highly recommend it. Have you tried part-time teaching OP? It's a world away from full-time imo. For a few years I was only working two days a week, and it was quite manageable with two little kids (and a cleaner too!). But now they're a bit older and I'm working a bit more, I appreciate the independence work gives me, and I'm sure the dynamic in my relationship seems more equal because of it.

When is your DH a getting one day a week to himself?

The DH is passionate about his work and presumably chooses to work such long hours at something he loves, so a day to himself is moot. I know when mine was tiny it was a million times easier and more relaxing being at work than doing the toddler taming and domestic drudgery.

@Treegarden

Monday to Friday yes, but at weekends it's 50/50 x

Same applies for the bread earner?

I'd be concerned about the 'works very long hours six days a week, it is his passion'...

As I think he is going to put that before his children and his wife most of the time.

Whilst its great he is passionate about his work, being self employed can be all consuming and the work life balance goes out the window, and everyone else comes second.

If its HIS business, HE can arrange that it runs on reasonable hours, 5 days a week, at least one of which is NOT long hours.

If he can't arrange that, it is because he does not want to do so, and that would put me RIGHT off, I would not give up a career I loved for it!

@WiddlinDiddlin

I'd be concerned about the 'works very long hours six days a week, it is his passion'...

As I think he is going to put that before his children and his wife most of the time.

Whilst its great he is passionate about his work, being self employed can be all consuming and the work life balance goes out the window, and everyone else comes second.

If its HIS business, HE can arrange that it runs on reasonable hours, 5 days a week, at least one of which is NOT long hours.

If he can't arrange that, it is because he does not want to do so, and that would put me RIGHT off, I would not give up a career I loved for it!

Or the woman can work as well…. Put the kids in nursery.

I work 3 days a week and happy to do more jobs around the house because I work less… BUT I think my husband is lazier and sometimes I feel like his mum - literally leaves his mug on the side, never in the dishwasher and will make himself lunch and leave mess everywhere for me to clear up. This I think is unreasonable and would be unreasonable for you too. But in general you should be doing the laundry and housework if he’s working 6 days a week.

Yes I would. I’ve been a SAHM for 15 years with 3 children. Husband works 6 days a week and cares for his elderly father. I wouldn’t “expect”him to do any housework although he would if he saw something needed doing. He does all the house decorating and the garden though as he enjoys it (and doesn’t trust me with paintbrush!)

I’m not sure how it justifies your DH leaving you to pick up his dirty clothes after him tbh.

He should be picking his stuff up off the floor and not leaving it for you to do. That crosses the line. That goes for being able to tidy up his lunch mess too. He is not 5 and you are not his mother!

@Kitchendrama1 of course she could but if he is going to insist he HAS to work long hours 6 days a week, and then she also works.. when will they ever see one another or their children?

@Mintchocchip35

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion. So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

I would expect you do to everything else including general admin bits.

There's a lot of brisk comments on this.

I think what the question is OP. Are you happy with this set up? Long term is this what you want?

Is it necessary for your DH to work 6 days a week once the 2nd baby comes along you obviously will be busier with 2 DC.

Yes would do it all. Come on. Don’t be a leach.are you suggesting his single day off is spent on domestics when you are off all week really.

The bit in the OP which jumped out for me was that it was the OP who was most keen to be a SAHM. DH’s business could be doing well now but if he goes through a lean period, resentment could quickly set in. Seen it happen IRL.

Are you happy with this set up? Long term is this what you want?

Op has chosen this set up, it's driven by her.

Partner needs to pick up his clothes and put in wash basket or wardrobe, that's just basic adult behaviour. Washing lunch dishes separately is a waste of gas. Do them all at once or get him to put in dishwasher if that's what you use.

Yes you do most stuff.

But you are not a maid or a slave. He's more than capable of unloading a dishwasher.

Plus not leaving mugs lying around etc

I think doing most of the work is right in your situation. However, I would expect DH not to make it harder - he can put his clothes in the laundry basket and put his dishes in the dishwasher for example and if he gets something out I’d expect him to put it away if he’s not working really late that day.

I’d also expect him to do (at least) 50% of the childcare when he is around as he’s not seeing the kids while working.

I’m a sahm. One child in school. Even when DC was much younger I did all the household chores except the yard. We had a cleaner come in to clean once a fortnight. I ditched the cleaner when DC went to kindergarten.

Just set out expectations about who should do what. It does help if you have a partner who is willing to pick up after themselves so you can do the serious cleaning. Done partners think that having a SAHM means they can also revert to a teenager. There’s nothing more annoying then spending an hour if your day just tidying and putting things back. Your DH also needs to understand they need to spend some quality time with the DC.

If I was your dh then I would expect to do no housework.

Looking after dc at weekends is not included, but surely the idea is that you all have time to enjoy as a family as you have a cleaner etc. He should have one day to himself if you do, so one day on weekend is up to you and the other day is shared perhaps? The main thing is fairness, you both get down time.

But as pp says, I would expect dh to pick up after himself.

I’m a Sahm to my toddler Dd after having her later and working full time all my life.
I do the majority, yes, and it can be hard!
Dd is very active and I don’t spend enough time vacuuming, mopping etc, but do all the meals and tidying up everyday. I cook from scratch everyday, at weekends we mainly have a takeaway or something easy to make or have something out. Dp isn’t the greatest cook and I’m okay taking over the side of things. We alternate putting dd to sleep every night (takes a long time and we often end up falling asleep with her) so the person left downstairs will wash up from dinner and a general tidy up. Weekends I still feel I do the bulk, but dp does do some washing up, putting clothes in the wash etc, also does the garden. I do all life admin and do all bills and so on. Basically Dp works and comes home to dinner, then will play with dd until bed/we all spend time together. I try and make it so at the weekends we don’t have anything to do, I take dd food shopping during the week too, before dd when we both worked full time, weekends were spent shopping and cleaning, there’s no need now.
Dd is just starting part time nursery now, at the moment there’s been no breaks, as she only goes for an hour or two and I have errands to do. I have a cleaner once every fortnight to do the ‘Big clean’ it’s impossible to do with dd there, but once she’s settled into nursery I can do it.
I’m a teacher and occasionally have done tutoring and childcare jobs when they’ve fallen on the weekend or after work and it’s like freedom! It’s like a real break and I found teaching full time, as hard as it was, not as hard or tiring as staying at home 24/7 with a v energetic toddler.
I’d say it’s the same for all my Sahm friends as opposed to the working ones, we look the most tired, the working ones just have more of a spark about them and seem happier overall, in my experience.
But, I’m grateful that I’m able to have this opportunity and we’ve cut back a lot of things and worked hard to be enable me to stay at home with dd

To be fair to DH he doesn't leave his things on the floor deliberately to upset me, he just doesn't think and is a naturally messy person. He's always been messy since we met. I'm the opposite and that's why we bicker. I've had a word with him and told him washing will only be done if it's in the basket. Also I don't want to make him out to be a disrespectful tyrant. He never expects things of me- if he comes home and the house is a mess he never mentions it whereas the other way around I do mention it. He doesn't expect his tea to be made for him every night. It pretty much always is but he will never ask where's my tea? He will also ring and say should I pick something up on way home. And when dc2 came along and I got a bit behind on washing he'd never say where are my clean clothes so he is very laid back. Also I've never let him help with washing etc since we've been together as I suppose I'm a bit of a control freak.
Financially- no I wouldn't be making a contribution, it would all be DH. He's happy to do this. He said he loves being able to support us. He never takes money and very very rarely spends on himself. I don't have to 'ask' to spend money. I just organise bills and can use what's left freely although I would never make a big purchase without discussing it and I don't really spend money on myself.
I am currently on a 0.6 contract, changed from full time after 1st dc. I could go back to this but I'm moving year groups and as fellow teachers will understand part time isn't part time. The move in year groups will mean a lot more work. On top of this I will end up picking up all the slack at home as I'm there more than DH plus all drop offs, pick ups and 3 very long days. So in my head I think I'd be better off leaving work then I won't feel resentful for doing most things at home and will have a small amount of time to myself. Although I won't be using mu one day without dc to do leisure activities- will be sorting, organising and life admin etc.
And no we don't have a dishwasher - that's me but considering getting one now!
The conclusion I've come to after reading all the responses is that if I don't go back to work I should be doing mostly everything but I probably need to let DH help at weekends and not be a control freak. And stop picking up his pants off the floor!