I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

If you manage it effectively, at the weekends you shouldn't have much housework, just childcare and cooking. I would expect Dad to maybe cook or make lunch a couple of times a week and to definitely be present as a parent and not as an optional babysitter, but I wouldn't be expecting him to do 50/50. No way.

**children

Gah, just seen your update - don't do it op, you'll end up hating him.

I have been a SAHM to 2 years because my disabled child needs a full time carer. If my dh didn't pull his weight in the house, it just wouldn't work because I would feel like a skivvy. And as for expecting you to pick up his discarded clothes...who make him the king of everything?

@Jerseygirl12

TheDailyCarbunkle MO the strict SAHP/WOHP split, especially when the WOHP works very long hours, is a very very bad idea. The children have two parents and the two parents should have a real involvement in their lives - it shouldn't be the case that one does pretty much everything while the other dips in and out in the very small amount of time they have free. In general that setup leads to partners who have very separate lives, which can build a lot of resentment and disconnection

I didn’t find this to be the case at all. Weekends were vey much family time for us with no jobs for either of us to do. Same for the evenings once the DC get a bit older and stay up later. My DH used to love picking up the DC from their clubs etc and was very much involved with weekend activities. When they were younger he nearly always did bath time, We were into making life as easy as possible for both of us. We have friends who like to do jobs all the time but that’s not for us.

That's not the situation for the OP though @Jerseygirl12 - she's saying her DH works six days a week, long hours. So at best there's one day when he's available. Your DH was involved - did bathtime, picking up from clubs, weekend activities. I'd expect more involvement than that, but that's a matter of choice really. For the OP it's likely that she'll end up doing pretty much everything with her DH doing practically nothing. That's a very rigid split of roles which is a bad idea IMO.

One situation where it tends to fall apart is when the SAHP is sick. There have been some horrific threads here on MN where the SAHP is literally crawling to the toilet to be sick while their DH refuses to come home, or he does come home but barely keeps the children alive and lets the house go to shit because he 'doesn't know' how do anything around the house. Essentially everything to do with the house and kids is down to the SAHP no matter what - the WOHP will step in (barely) in extreme circumstances but they won't actually pick up any slack or do nearly what the SAHP does. That's a very lonely position to be in and very stressful.

When my partner worked 6 day weeks and I was a Sahm I expected him to spend time with the kids and clear up after himself (putting plate in dishwasher, dirty clothes in basket etc). I didn’t expect him to do any actual cleaning etc but he did do some admin and diy as and when.

I also think you need to be clear whether the day your one year old is in childcare is actually a day to yourself or a day to do chores. Years ago I worked part time to his full time and he was adamant that I had two days a week to do whatever I wanted but also expected to not lift a finger at home because I had two days a week to do all the housework. It can’t be both! I mean you can obviously do some housework and still have time to yourself but then that’s not a day to yourself so I resented being made to feel like I’d been having fun all day when in reality I used pretty much most of the time between school runs cleaning so that he didn’t have to do any.

@Feelingoktoday

I never understand why men agree to this situation. To work 6 days a week, 100% responsibility for finances, and providing a pension for another adult. He also is not the RP if the couple break up.

Because they have their home and children looked after by (hopefully) the person they trust most in the world. They also don't have to take days off for school holidays, inset days, child illness, school meetings, appointments etc and can focus fully on their careers? Do you really think SAHMs are so worthless? Or does contribution only count if it is financial?

@Mintchocchip35

Thank you for all the responses - really interesting to hear others opinions and tbh I was expecting a LOT more of a bashing. So im currently still on mat leave - yes would have to pay back half pay but have put money aside for that. My toddler is at nursery 2 days at the mo and my 7 month old is with me every day until she turns 1. As I'm on mat leave and at home I do all the cooking, tidying, washing up, washing, clothes away etc even picking up dh's clothes off the bedroom floor. If I'm out with the dc and dh makes himself lunch he'll usually leave the washing up to me. Bedtime wise we do 1 child each. At weekend I will still do everything. Dh will offer to cook but I just tend to do it. We do get a take away once during the weekend and will eat out once. Finances wise dh transfers his take home wage to my account every week and all bills, food shopping etc comes out of this. Anything left we use for savings, pay off mortgage etc Sometimes at Weekends we currently bicker if dh leaves his stuff on the floor for me to pick up. I guess I want to justify that it's ok for me to be doing most stuff because I don't want to feel resentful or bicker.

MASSIVE red flags.

Don't do it OP. In three years you'll absolutely hate the sight of him. I guarantee it.

Go back to work and make him do his bit.

Yes

[quote 1990b]@DespairingHomeowner

"maybe play with the kids if I felt like it"

Wow, how kind of you. Your chdren aren't an optional choice.[/quote]
Neither is earning a living/keep a roof over the family’s head 🙄

If I worked 6 days long hours, and carried the whole financial burden I wouldn’t lift a finger/might want to go out & do a ‘hobby’ one my one day off, so am advising the OP to redress the balance somewhat!

I wouldn’t be happy with him leaving stuff chucked in the floor for you to pick up, that’s disrespectful and rude. How difficult can it really be to find the washing basket or whatever?
Don’t argue, get a big box. Chuck anything he leaves on the floor in it and then ignore it. He can sort it out himself.

@thedancingbear

By that token they should also split paid work 50/50. Why does OP get to opt out of earning money?

Are you serious?! Because she's at home all day looking after the kids. Is she expected to take the kids into work or something? I'm sure most employers would love that.

Exactly - it makes no more sense than OP's DH doing 50% of the childcare and housework on top of working 6 long days.

I would expect you to do the lions share, however things such as picking his clothes off the floor, putting his dish in the dishwasher etc. I would expect him to do unless you are posting from a cave and he is a Neanderthal. Do consider though the message that doing no work sends to your dc. I would instead consider going pt two days a week to keep yourself up to date.

Just an observation but I really struggle to imagine a mother who would work long hours six days a week and do very little with her children/throw things on the floor for her partner to pick up. I imagine such women exist but I expect they're very very rare.

Ok with your update - I still think you should be doing most stuff but he’s a lazy twat and shouldn’t be making more work for you by not clearly up after himself. He is not a child.

Get a dishwasher if you haven’t. Not because of him but because they’re a godsend.

OP, it doesn’t actually matter what anyone says on here because doing “all the housework” obviously means totally different things to different people. For some, it may mean making sure the place gets vacuumed once a month. For others, it may mean ironing his underpants and polishing the silverware every day. Only you know what your “normal” is.

But as I say, if he’s mainly out of the house there’s no point having expectations of him to do housework. Just forget that. If you feel you can’t manage, don’t get resentful of him, just get the cleaner in more.

Finally, there is a difference between doing no housework and behaving like a slob. He should not leave his clothes on the floor. My DH had never done laundry, but he picks up his own underwear fgs! This is basic self-respect.

@Feelingoktoday

I never understand why men agree to this situation. To work 6 days a week, 100% responsibility for finances, and providing a pension for another adult. He also is not the RP if the couple break up.

So it's better if they work and pay others to do childcare and clean etc?

Is the difference that they don't need to feel a personal connection/responsibility to the people being paid?

Yes. My husband works and I do everything else. I still have plenty of spare time. That's not to say he never does anything, but the bulk of house stuff is my domain.

When my kids were younger I had less time to myself, but didn't really struggle fitting everything in.

I would guilty if I didn't to be honest 🤷

If you have a cleaner than yes, you do the lion's share of the work. If he enjoys cooking then he can help with that.

I'm in a similar situation and the way DH helps is by taking the kids away from me at the weekend/evening so I can have some me time, but then again, I don't have a day off... 10mo doesn't go to any nursery or day care

@thedancingbear

By that token they should also split paid work 50/50. Why does OP get to opt out of earning money?

Are you serious?! Because she's at home all day looking after the kids. Is she expected to take the kids into work or something? I'm sure most employers would love that.

But that's the entire point, lol.

He can't do 50% of the childcare and domestic chores while he's doing 100% of the earning. If OP wants him to do more childcare/housework, she needs to pick up some of the financial load.

Why should OP only do 50% of the childcare and housework while he does 100% of the financial work PLUS 50% of childcare and housework?

@TheDailyCarbunkle

Just an observation but I really struggle to imagine a mother who would work long hours six days a week and do very little with her children/throw things on the floor for her partner to pick up. I imagine such women exist but I expect they're very very rare.

I think it's a disrespectful thing to do if it's on purpose, but I do know people of both sexes who are basically slobs. Heck - I know a woman who is a SAHP who leaves everything where it drops - she makes her daughter clean it up when she gets home from school.

I've seen your update and your DH is totally unreasonable and a bit of a dick expecting you to pick up his clothes from the floor and not simply washing a couple of plates (or putting them in the dishwasher) after a meal ... that is just lazy and nothing to do with a 'fair share' of housework.

I've been a SAHM for a third of my marriage & we are probably very 'traditional' in our roles and yes I was born in the 1950s but never once, in over 30 years of marriage have I had to pick my DH's dirty clothes up from the floor. He is showing you a total lack of respect.

OP you need to separate duties around the house from issues around basic teamwork and respect. There is a world of difference between splitting duties with someone who really respects you and values everything you do, and essentially being the housemaid of someone who does whatever suits them and takes you for granted.

I would expect you to do the lions share, however things such as picking his clothes off the floor, putting his dish in the dishwasher etc. I would expect him to do unless you are posting from a cave and he is a Neanderthal.

Yep. When I posted earlier I was talking about general housekeeping jobs that take time. Picking up your own clothes and taking your own dirty crockery to the dishwasher is basic self-responsibility, and the DCs need to see it done by him. Likewise helping to prepare a meal, take out the bins etc. Anything that only takes a couple of minutes is absolutely fair and reasonable for him to do.

if dh leaves his stuff on the floor for me to pick up

I would be fine with doing the majority of things cooking, cleaning etc. But I would not be picking up his stuff from the floor, at best I might sweep them into a corner, I don't expect to have to pick up DS' things from the floor and I certainly wouldn't be doing it for an adult. Washing up, if he has just done lunch for himself, he is capable of cleaning up his plate as well, I assume he is doing himself a 3 course meal?

Looking at your recent updating post, OP, I don’t think you should be picking his stuff up from the floor at weekends. Sounds nice that you are doing his lunchtime washing up but I don’t think you should be expected to tidy up after him on his days off at home. That would really piss me off