I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

Obviously. Especially as you have quite a lot of time to yourself.

During the week should be mostly down to you for sorting the house. But would say swap every other weekend so you both get time off. Same with putting children to bed etc. my husband and I have a couple of agreements. One cooks the other does the dishing (mainly I cook because I like to and he happy to do the dishwasher). We take it in turns to do our ds bedtime. I do 2 nights the he does 2 nights he will do the bins and maybe put a load of washing on but the rest is down to me (I'm a sahm)

I don't see why your children need to be in nursery if you're a SAHM.
Nursery school for the 3 year old is different.

You definitely need a cleaner though.

Unfair otherwise. Why wouldn’t you ?

@BrainPotter

If I was a SAHM I would not have my children in nursery or have a cleaner and would expect to do all cooking but would still split household jobs with DH. I work in a high-stress job…it’s easier than being a SAHM!!!

Her DH is rarely there tho to split household jobs with. Is it really fair that he walks in at 8 pm or later and OP gives him a list of half the chores even though she's getting a full day a week alone?

@TatianaBis

I don't see why your children need to be in nursery if you're a SAHM. Nursery school for the 3 year old is different.

You definitely need a cleaner though.

Because it might be important for op to have some time to herself? I would if I could afford it

Yes. As a SAHM it is your job. That is what you contribute to the household!

GOSH!!!
Also a SAHM AND ex teacher here. DH runs own business too.
I’m still a SAHM despite oldest two now at Uni and youngest two just started boarding school. But yes, almost all chores fall to me, which is fine, we share cooking as he likes it and he does the bins as they’re heavy and the car stuff as he’s interested but otherwise it’s me. I am thinking of dipping my toe back into the workplace now that youngest are boarding but it will be a tiny dip of a little toe😆

@BrainPotter

If I was a SAHM I would not have my children in nursery or have a cleaner and would expect to do all cooking but would still split household jobs with DH. I work in a high-stress job…it’s easier than being a SAHM!!!

But children enjoy the social side of nursery and why wouldn’t you have a cleaner? Who WANTS to clean the loo and descale the shower glass?

We don't generally think of looking after a house and children as a job but it absolutely is. Which is why we pay other people to child mind and clean. They wouldn't do it for free. Job. You both work long hours and you both deserve time off. If on the 'free day' you do genuinely have time just to yourself, and you're not cleaning or washing etc then your hubby deserves time on his own on the weekend. But no real reason why you should be cooking every day. Start thinking of it as your job and work out it that way.

@Kteeb1

We don't generally think of looking after a house and children as a job but it absolutely is. Which is why we pay other people to child mind and clean. They wouldn't do it for free. Job. You both work long hours and you both deserve time off. If on the 'free day' you do genuinely have time just to yourself, and you're not cleaning or washing etc then your hubby deserves time on his own on the weekend. But no real reason why you should be cooking every day. Start thinking of it as your job and work out it that way.

People pay for sex, and they also get given it for free.

Some family members will look after your kids for free. Sometimes I will go to a friends house for food.

You already knew the answer so why ask ?

Sorry if you said and I missed it, but does he actually leave the house and go out to work, or does he run the business from home?

yes

I think you’d be taking the mick if you didn’t do 99% of it to be perfectly honest

Yes, you should do it all. If DP is working 6 long days each week then he'll need a day off, even if he does love his work. And being a SAHP will be a whole lot easier than being a teacher ..

Yes, I would see all of the weekly chores as your responsibility as he is at work whereas you are at home with just one baby to look after most of the time (and sometimes no one) plus you have a cleaner! I work part time (3 days a week) in a high responsibility job, and I do the vast majority of the household chores and the before / after school childcare. That's what we agreed when I went part time - it makes sense that the one who is not working / working less does the bulk of the house-elfing. I also did those chores when my children were a bit smaller and I had them at home with me on my days off. It's not like it takes all day to do a bit of cleaning & tidying after all. My husband and I share the gardening as we both enjoy it and have a massive garden and land so it takes a lot of maintenance. Our children help too. I'd love a cleaner but can't really justify it when I have two free days a week.

Can only speak from my own experience. I was a sahm with 2 children. No cleaner ever. Nursery mornings only once eldest was 3. I did everything. DH shared childcare once home.

You’re a stay at home mum…being a mum is work in my eyes so your ‘job of work’ is childcare rather than housework.

I guess it all depends on how much you CAN get done with your one year old around. When mine were that age they could only really amuse themselves for a few minutes at a time so anything beyond throwing some washing in the machine or hanging a load out wasn’t really an option. I ended up deciding to just do what I can and not tie myself up in knots trying to do it all.

To me the most logical option is to keep the cleaner on if that’s affordable for you and then do what you can on the day the kids are both in nursery. Your OH still uses the house and generates some housework himself (I’m assuming) so seems reasonable that he should pitch in with you and share the load proportionately to the time off you have. (Parenting solo doesn’t count as a ‘day off’ either)

I'd say during the working week, you do the majority. Weekends, you go 50/50. You need a rest too, and you also need to try and avoid resentment creeping in.

As I see it your main job as a sahm is to look after the kids. Not to be a housekeeper.

Hats off to you though because getting anything done with a baby and toddler in tow is a headache!

I think the OP can negotiate much better than this for herself. He gets to enjoy himself building a career during the week, whilst the OP does the unpaid labour of looking after his children. Does her work not count?

If anything I would expect him to be doing the majority of the housework!

Posters really don't do the cause of SAHPs any good by posting stuff like this. So apparently paid work doesn't count for anything if you enjoy it, but being a SAHP is always work whether you enjoy it or not (and frankly you shouldn't be doing it if you don't enjoy it).

I suspect this poster would only be happy if DH

• works 6 long days
• spends every possible second in the morning, evening and other day when he's not working and while his children are awake on childcare
• does something like 80% of the housework to make up for all the additional labour his wife does looking after his children.

This might actually require him to stop sleeping to fit it all in of course, but that doesn't seem to be an issue.

@girlmom21

Yeah, 100%. You've said yourself, he works 6 days a week. You'll get a day completely to yourself which will only increase when you get free hours etc.

He won't get that.

Well she won't really have a whole day off will she. She will still no doubt have to organise everything for nursery, get them there, engage as necessary with the nursery, pick them up, make dinner, bathe them, put them to bed etc. This is not a 'whole day off'.

Minchocchip - one thing I noticed when my mother in law was infirm and for the first time, employed a cleaner, plus I did shopping and cooking, was that the jobs she stretched out over a week were easily accomplished in a relatively short space of time.

Remind yourself of that regularly and act accordingly; you will find you have plenty of free time! Go for it.

I don’t think the arrangement means you should become a 7 day drudge who does everything and DH never lifts a finger ever.

For example, I’d imagine that at the weekend, he might make a lunch, or clear up after a meal, or nip to the shops for a top up shop, or tidy up some toys that are out.

However, I’d imagine that in the week, between yourself and the cleaner you’d do the general housework, so it wasn’t a case if it being done (or much dine) at the weekend, and he wouldn’t need to engage with the general cleaning of bathrooms, or big shopping etc. As you’re at home, you would probably do most of that. It would be rather disappointing as the paid worker, to get to the weekend and find all the weekly jobs remained undone and needed doing at the weekend, and there was an expectation that huge amounts would fall on you.

The thing is, some jobs still need doing at the weekend. If the main cleaning etc had been done in the week, hopefully it isn’t much. But there is still tidying of toys, possible laundry, making and clearing up meals. Having been at work all week doesn’t mean you sit in your arse and watch someone else do all of this. You still expect to join in and play a part….which is what family members do. It probably wouldn’t be doing a big shop or a through big house clean, but loading the dishwasher or unloading it, or making the kids lunch just seems part of weekend life for all adults in the house regardless of what they did in the week.

These things are more nuanced than most people want to suggest. It doesn’t have to be the case that he does zero, or the jobs are split 50/50 at weekends.

And I have known families where the woman who stays at home is really struggling with mental health, and the man went to work, did night feeds and most of the domestic stuff too. It was what was necessary in the situation.

Families which work well, with people who communicate and get on are able to be a bit flexible and not totally rigid about these things. There isn’t a ‘keeping tabs’ or totting up how much one person has contributed in different ways, or that you are ‘owed’ more domestic work form the other person. People do what is needed at the time. And if that means the person who went to work all week runs the hoover round because friends are coming over, and they are the person about to do it, that’s fine.

OP you don't really have. Whole day off though do you. Read my comment above regarding this. That your DH makes his lunch and leaves his shit lying about for you to clean is appalling. He's a grown up and can bloody well clean up after himself. Yes you should do the lion's share around the house during the week but when he is home, I wouldn't expect you to wait on him like a servant and that is what it sounds like people think should happen. If you cook, he should clean up after. If a dc throws up on the floor, would he call you to clear it up? Honestly, nothing would make me want to have sex less than a man who left his shot on the floor for me to clear away abs who sat watching television whilst I ran around doing everything. Being a SAHP doesn't mean you should work all waking hours apart from the hours off you get on your 'day off'.