I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

I'd expect him to do some stuff at the weekend, and not much during the week. Probably 90/10 during the week - basically just not deliberately making more mess for you. And 70/30 at the weekend.

You refer to yourself as doing everything and picking up the slack whereas you say your husband is happy being the earner and loves supporting you. The language you use suggests you have the harder job. You simply cannot underestimate the pressure of being the sole wage earner.

@LittleGwyneth

I'd expect him to do some stuff at the weekend, and not much during the week. Probably 90/10 during the week - basically just not deliberately making more mess for you. And 70/30 at the weekend.

I think the OP can negotiate much better than this for herself. He gets to enjoy himself building a career during the week, whilst the OP does the unpaid labour of looking after his children. Does her work not count?

If anything I would expect him to be doing the majority of the housework!

I think if you had the kids all week, I would say everything outside of the working week is split. So you do everything Monday - Friday 8am - 6pm ish and everything outside this time is split 50/50.

However if you have a day off in the week then your partner also needs a day off so that your down time is equal - so he has the full day off on Saturday and isn't expected to do much in the way of housework, and you split everything 50/50 on Sunday.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you sound as if you’re quitting your career because your husband is a workaholic who is incapable of keeping the house tidy or doing the laundry, and you have decided the path of least resistance is giving up work to become an unpaid household skivvy because you resent him, entirely understandably.

In your shoes I would return to work after mat leave, get him to cut his hours, and take a far bigger role in childcare and housework.

In your shoes I think I would keep your part time position and hire more household help to prevent resentment. But I can certainly see the positives and negatives in either situation.

Yes absolutely. You don't even need to clean

@SeriouslyISuppose

OP, in the nicest possible way, you sound as if you’re quitting your career because your husband is a workaholic who is incapable of keeping the house tidy or doing the laundry, and you have decided the path of least resistance is giving up work to become an unpaid household skivvy because you resent him, entirely understandably.

In your shoes I would return to work after mat leave, get him to cut his hours, and take a far bigger role in childcare and housework.

I worry that this is the case as well.

Yes, absolutely. I'm not saying he should never do anything but you've got the majority of the free time. He still needs to be an involved parent though.

Yes, you should do the lions share. However, once your maternity leave ends. You need that time with your baby. But after that, washing, cleaning, house admin, shopping, cooking is all your responsibility

My DH is retired and I still work in a high paid, high pressure job - I love it and it allows us a great lifestyle but it’s tiring. DH does all the cooking, shopping, gardening domestic stuff - I pitch in at weekends with a bit of cleaning and we have a cleaner 2 hours a week. He just took this on when he retired, without me asking. I had to do it myself when he had cancer and it was a huge strain working ft, caring and doing domestic stuff plus he needed special meals. As soon as he was well enough he started doing the domestic work again. I would take a dim view if he didn’t do it and very much appreciate that he does. Admittedly he hasn’t got DC to look after but he feels it is his contribution, he wants to look after me and make my life easier.

Yes during the week but not at weekends otherwise you'll be working 7 days a week and your oh only five days.

The weekend chores need to be shared.

Yes, I'm a SAHP and I do the majority of work with the kids and house

Remember that you are both role models to your children. Your children will see their father dropping his pants on the floor and you picking them up and think that’s normal. They will see him not putting his plates in the dishwasher so they will not bother too.

“”I think the OP can negotiate much better than this for herself. He gets to enjoy himself building a career during the week, whilst the OP does the unpaid labour of looking after his children. Does her work not count?

If anything I would expect him to be doing the majority of the housework!””

This is a wind up surely. His kids, enjoying himself…..

Why on Earth should he do the majority of the housework?

As a single parent I, like most working single parents manage it all. Paying bills, cooking from scratch, housework etc. I really don’t know what the fuss is.

In his day off he def needs to be doing some childcare stuff as he basically isn't seeing them 6 days a week. So I'd expect him to do bath and bed, helping to care for them in the day etc.

If you've still got home stuff to do when he's home the other days, then it should reasonably be shared but yes, most of it should be you

Hell yes

@dramalamma

Looking after a 1 year old is a full time job - great if you get stuff done (obviously depends on how high maintenance the kid is) and then you both have free time at the weekend. If you don't get it all done it's joint responsibility to get it done at evenings and weekends. Kids are unpredictable - sometimes you get stuff done, sometimes it's impossible and actually parenting them is more important than the other stuff. I'm quite surprised by how many women (I'm assuming) are saying that because someone stays home for childcare, the whole household crap gets lumped in with it. Looking after young kids is also mind numbing - the day off you get in the week is for sanity not housework! So your husband works 5 days a week 9-5, and then gets the rest of the time off? No chance! when is your time off? Cos parenting is 24/7.

This!!!

I am a sahm I do all the house hold stuff and kids stuff I do it over the weekend when he is about he will help with the kids like do the baths or cook on a Saturday night

What did you think he should on his 1 day off he should spend it cleaning up? You have 1 day off and a cleaner twice a week, obviously it should be you doing the rest.

Yes the vast majority, but I'd expect equal lie ins on the weekend and equal cooking etc in a weekend too

I would expect to do the lions share and would not want to spend his only day off as a family not cleaning.

BUT I would still expect him to tidy up after himself: put stuff in dishwasher, laundry bin, wipe if spill something, sweep if drop something etc. AND to jump in as needed when at home eg. If I’m cooking and dealing with a crying baby or screaming toddler he would take over one

Of course it would all fall to you

Yes of course.

If I was a SAHM I would not have my children in nursery or have a cleaner and would expect to do all cooking but would still split household jobs with DH.
I work in a high-stress job…it’s easier than being a SAHM!!!