I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

@Bluesheep8

Most of the 70 plus people I know are fitter and healthier than many people in their 30s and 40s.

Then you know some unusual 70 plus people and/or some decrepit young people

I am 68 and my DC is 30. I was a bit concerned about them being settled and OK before I died, but they have got themselves a decent career, they have a good partner and have just bought their own apartment so I feel much more relaxed about it now. They don't want DC of their own and I am happy with this as I think most people will be lucky if they survive the climate emergency.

I’ve two parents who are 35 years older, they divorced. My mum is fantastic. She’s in very poor health and has been for some time, just unlucky. She is a complete asset to my life and I am so glad she’s my mum.
My Dad is actually 5 years younger. But totally distant with a new family (he was 53 so will be 81 when they are 29! Which is quite soon…). I’ve no relationship with him.

I think parenting is much more about how parents treat you, and the quality of relationship.

Also… only women seem to worry about this. And if we were able to give birth then biologically our bodies are saying we are going to be around long enough to bring them up.

My parents were 23 and 30 when they had me and I was 22 when I had my daughter. I had always planned that if I was going to have any children I wanted to do it when I was young (ish!) and I was fortunate enough to be able to do that. I'll be 40 when she is 18 and my parents will be 70 and 63. I'm hoping that means they will get to see her grow up.

I have had to do things 'backwards' because of having my daughter when I was young though, and I went to uni when she was 6, and am mid PhD now, so I'm getting there but whereas some of my friends are in the toddler stage, I'm acutely aware that when I finish university completely, other my age have had 10+ years work experience that I haven't, so it's swings and roundabouts.

There's no right or wrong for this. I'm a child of very young parents, mum was 18 when she had me. My dad died of cancer when I was 30 and didn't even meet his grandchildren. and now I'm 60 and looking forward to an active retirement I'm suddenly responsible for my 79 year old mum as she becomes frail physically and mentally.

I was the last of four, with a 13 year gap between me and the youngest brother. Mum had me at a relatively young 36, Dad was 42. The crap bit for me, was that Dad retired at 58, I was only 16, and they retired abroad, leaving me here to do my OLevels, and subsequent ALevels alone, and look after the house and the cat!

@Journeyofthedragons

I'm just below 50 and my 30 year old daughter had her first child last year, it's wonderful having grandchildren that I'll (hopefully) be able to see growing up and settling down too.

Feels sad that parents having children in their 40s will never have this.

Whoa! First off, don't count your chickens. You have no idea what the future holds.

Secondly, as this thread shows - plenty of involved grandparents in their 70s, so save your sadness.

I'm not actually bothered about grandchildren myself. For me my priority is raising my dd to adulthood. Grandchildren might be a bonus. Or not.

It won’t feel unusual as socially it will be quite common, but I can’t help but feel that overall (and that is overall, not focussing on statistical outliers or anecdotes), it isn’t a healthy model for society to follow and there will be massive consequences further down the line.

I do know that I'll be enjoying watching my grandchild(ren) growing up whilst still being relatively young

You don't "know" that but I hope it works out for you.

My parents were in their early 40's when they had me, I don't think it's a bad thing, they had plenty of fun years together before kids came along.
They are only starting to have health problems now in their mid - late 70's, dad is 80 this year and has dementia. I'm grateful to have the energy to deal with them and help them out where possible. Although if I had kids of my own it would be harder.

A friend of my mother is in her early 70's and is helping to take care of her mother who is in her mid-90s . I know that's an extreme example, but I wouldn't want to be still worrying about my parents in my dotage.

Life span and healthy life span are different things I guess, but you never know what the future holds.

@Bluesheep8

Most of the 70 plus people I know are fitter and healthier than many people in their 30s and 40s.

This is simply ridiculous. Plenty of may still be active at that age, well done to them, but there is no way they could outrun or outperform the average 30 year old.

Both my parents were seemingly healthy at 70, but by mid 70's had health niggles and now at almost 80 my dad has dementia and mum a few years younger has heart problems.

I'm grateful to have the energy to deal with them and help them out where possible. Although if I had kids of my own it would be harder.

This is the issue. It’s all very well spending your 20s and 30s travelling and working before having children in your 40s, but essentially you’re making your children pay the price for it. Plus potentially ending up with a dual care burden of small children/elderly parents.

As an only child of older parents, it means that I’ll be reasonably young when they start needing help, and I’ve still got a chance at having a life after they’re gone.

I'm in my early thirties and my mam is in her early seventies. She's currently staying with me for a few days to help out after an operation. We get on great, her age isn't an issue. She's a little bit slower than she was but is still able to keep up with my toddler! It's great that she is willing and has time to help with her grandkids

@Realyorkshiretea

I'm grateful to have the energy to deal with them and help them out where possible. Although if I had kids of my own it would be harder.

This is the issue. It’s all very well spending your 20s and 30s travelling and working before having children in your 40s, but essentially you’re making your children pay the price for it. Plus potentially ending up with a dual care burden of small children/elderly parents.

Children pay a price when you have them under 25 and broke too. So it’s swings and roundabouts. People should only have kids when they are fully able to care for them.

I should also point out that later fertility whether via ivf or natural means is associated with longer life spans. So it does seem as if nature (or the benefits of being wealthier / highly educated as 40+ year old mums tend to be) does compensate to an extent.

@Realyorkshiretea

I'm grateful to have the energy to deal with them and help them out where possible. Although if I had kids of my own it would be harder.

This is the issue. It’s all very well spending your 20s and 30s travelling and working before having children in your 40s, but essentially you’re making your children pay the price for it. Plus potentially ending up with a dual care burden of small children/elderly parents.

Yup. My son is really “paying the price” for having a financially comfortable mother with excellent work flexibility due to seniority. He probably will get bored of Mummy and Daddy’s travelling stories soon I suppose…

(I’d probably also be divorced if I’d tried to settle down with any of the men I met before my husband).

@warmeduppizza

As an only child of older parents, it means that I’ll be reasonably young when they start needing help, and I’ve still got a chance at having a life after they’re gone.

Yes this is also how the Baby Boomer generation benefited. Older parents died early, and they inherited everything while they were young enough to enjoy the money or seriously add to it.

@Ozanj but it isn’t under 25 and broke/single, or 40+ and secure/married there’s many shades of grey in between.

Older mums, particularly those who need ivf, are more likely to have premature babies and babies with conditions such as autism.

@Ozanj true, except sadly mine are poor.

@HaveringWavering being wealthy / senior is something people tend to forget. All the facts suggest it’s men and women who are managers (or above) that are most likely to live until 100. In some areas only managers people live beyond 80. So there’s probably a higher chance for older first time mums to see their children’s 60th birthdays than younger ones.

@HaveringWavering I’m not talking about just money necessarily, although I don’t really believe that the earnings of your average 40 something are so significantly higher than your average 30 something that their children have noticeably better opportunities.

As for the divorce comment, there are numerous threads on here from women in their late 30s scrabbling about to find a man to have kids with before it’s too late, leading to rushed decisions. So I’m not convinced the ‘stable relationship’ argument works either.

But - as with everything - it’s a mixed bag. I do worry about the societal trend of having children late leading to problems further down the line.

[quote Realyorkshiretea]@Ozanj but it isn’t under 25 and broke/single, or 40+ and secure/married there’s many shades of grey in between.

Older mums, particularly those who need ivf, are more likely to have premature babies and babies with conditions such as autism.[/quote]
Women who need ivf are more likely to have premature babies, yes. But this isn’t because of their age. It’s because of their medical conditions. The vast majority of pregnancies in the over 40s don’t involve ivf at all and you aren’t even considered high risk (due to age) until 45.

As for autism the facts suggest it’s children with older dads (or rather older sperm) that have the highest rates (even with younger mums). The increased risk of autism is why ivf clinics con’t accept sperm donors over 44.

So there’s probably a higher chance for older first time mums to see their children’s 60th birthdays than younger ones.

Managers living longer, and old people living longer than younger ones is this some kind of ‘creative’ logic?

[quote Ozanj]@HaveringWavering being wealthy / senior is something people tend to forget. All the facts suggest it’s men and women who are managers (or above) that are most likely to live until 100. In some areas only managers people live beyond 80. So there’s probably a higher chance for older first time mums to see their children’s 60th birthdays than younger ones.[/quote]
That’s really interesting. There is no doubt whatsoever that the comprehensive private healthcare I get through work helps me keep a close eye on my health. Eg I had a potential gynae issue identified during a smear last week. I saw a gynae consultant within a week. (All fine). Not an urgent referral either, the GP only made it out of an abundance of caution and because I had the insurance).

@Realyorkshiretea

So there’s probably a higher chance for older first time mums to see their children’s 60th birthdays than younger ones.

Managers living longer, and old people living longer than younger ones is this some kind of ‘creative’ logic?

No these are facts as reported in death data and censuses. You should look it up as I’ve noticed from previous threads that you love to wind people up without using facts to back yourself up.