Page 4 | I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

SuperbLyrebird · 2021-09-08T10:42:32+00:00

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never ^had^ elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad. How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel? And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/09/2021 13:20

I will be the same. I do feel sad about it. The huge drawback of older motherhood is less time with your dc. I feel envious of young mothers, my dd has a friend whose Grandmother is younger than me !
I would have loved a baby in my late twenties but my life didn’t pan out like that, and I try to focus on the fact I was lucky and got pregnant very easily with both dc in my forties.
The other drawback is that my parents are not here to spend time with their lovely grandchildren .
I have been doing my family tree and until the war all the women had babies in their forties, that is strangely comforting to me !

Zealois · 08/09/2021 13:20

My DP is 28 and his parents are in their 70s. They have more active lives than we do to be honest and probably wouldn't be impressed if we called them elderly.

My parents had me young and my dad died when I and my siblings were aged between 18 and 25 so I personally wouldn't put much focus on age.

Catchthepigeons · 08/09/2021 13:21

You can't change it op so there's no point worrying about it. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow at any age

RichardMarxisinnocent · 08/09/2021 13:32

Gosh, reading about all these fit, healthy and active people in their 70s makes me think I must know the wrong 70 year olds! My early 70s dad died last year, of heart disease, and for at least the previous 5 years was like a very doddery old man physically, and very old at heart rather than young at heart. He did walk a fair but at a snail's pace. He wasn't fit or healthy. My mum had a heart attack in her 60s, and her husband is also not fit and not healthy.

What they all have in common is they haven't looked after themselves - none of them ever did exercise beyond walking, they eat or ate pretty unhealthily, one of them used to smoke, they don't really have hobbies or interests so end up living quite insular lives and feeling old before their time. I do know other people in their 70s who do seem younger, and they are the ones who have taken care of themselves, who keep active and socialise. I think OP you'll be fine as long as you try to keep yourself as fit and healthy as you can.

hairymorag · 08/09/2021 13:33

I know what you mean. I have 4 DC and when I am 70 my eldest will be 45 but my youngest will be 26.

Original poster

SuperbLyrebird · 08/09/2021 13:35

Thanks for your very positive replies.

I'm barely 18 months off 70 and my three adult DC will be 34, 34 and 31. So what? It's ideal. I'm retired and can visit to help with house moves and childcare if requested. They visit me and I can focus on spending time with them. It works for us. 70 is the new 45, remember. We're not decrepit and I haven't needed a Zimmer frame yet!

Great Post! My ILs are late 70s - very fit and active. Very little involvement with their DGC but that's their choice.

And, of course, you can be a wonderful mum/gran if you have a disability or illness.

OP posts:

Cam2020 · 08/09/2021 13:41

As others have posted already, 70 year olds now are generally fit and healthy and much 'younger' in outlook then in previous generations - imagine how much fitter and capable misy of us will be when we get to that age!

stclair · 08/09/2021 13:43

Mine had me at 41. They are 90 now and still going strong

Journeyofthedragons · 08/09/2021 13:45

I'm just below 50 and my 30 year old daughter had her first child last year, it's wonderful having grandchildren that I'll (hopefully) be able to see growing up and settling down too.

Feels sad that parents having children in their 40s will never have this.

Journeyofthedragons · 08/09/2021 13:46

many parents

RacistAngst · 08/09/2021 13:52

I get you @SuperbLyrebird.

That’s one of the reasons why I had decided (along time ago!), that my upper limit to have a child was 39.

I also disagree that 70yo is young etc….
Half of people have a chronic illness by the time they are 65yo (one reason why expecting everyone to work until. 70yo isnt on). Many people start to develop dementia etc.. around that time. Most are on several medications.
So yes many more people are healthy than ever before. But assuming you will is wishful thinking imo.

However the bottom line is that you have no choice. So for me, the focus is both on being and staying well for as long as possible AND about making those years in between count.
It’s about looking at what’s important and doing that. Family is important to me so that’s where my focus is. What. Would yours be?

ManifestDestinee · 08/09/2021 13:54

@Journeyofthedragons

I'm just below 50 and my 30 year old daughter had her first child last year, it's wonderful having grandchildren that I'll (hopefully) be able to see growing up and settling down too.

Feels sad that parents having children in their 40s will never have this.

I find it sadder when people become parents in their teens and never have any life of their own pre parenting. I don't see how grandchildren make up for that.

Divebar2021 · 08/09/2021 13:55

Feels sad that parents having children in their 40s will never have this

It feels sad to me that someone would have a baby at 19 or 20. I imagine my sympathy is as welcome as yours is for my
situation. I’m 51 and my DD is 9 - I have zero qualms about how my life has unfurled ( we’re all different )

SirChenjins · 08/09/2021 13:57

@RichardMarxisinnocent

Gosh, reading about all these fit, healthy and active people in their 70s makes me think I must know the wrong 70 year olds! My early 70s dad died last year, of heart disease, and for at least the previous 5 years was like a very doddery old man physically, and very old at heart rather than young at heart. He did walk a fair but at a snail's pace. He wasn't fit or healthy. My mum had a heart attack in her 60s, and her husband is also not fit and not healthy.

What they all have in common is they haven't looked after themselves - none of them ever did exercise beyond walking, they eat or ate pretty unhealthily, one of them used to smoke, they don't really have hobbies or interests so end up living quite insular lives and feeling old before their time. I do know other people in their 70s who do seem younger, and they are the ones who have taken care of themselves, who keep active and socialise. I think OP you'll be fine as long as you try to keep yourself as fit and healthy as you can.

Absolutely agree - looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do. With the majority of the adult population now in the overweight or obese category - including young people - there's going to be a huge number 20 & 30 years from now who will be chronically ill well before 70.

55larry · 08/09/2021 13:59

I will be 70 next year and my dd will be 30. She is the youngest of 3 but the first two were born when I was in my early 20s. My Dgs is 4 and before he was born we were asked to write him a letter for when he was 18. I had a discussion with his other grandmother and said that I might not be around but she would. A month later she was diagnosed with a very aggressive brain tumour and she died two months after he was born at the age of 57.

No one knows what the future holds so make the most of what time you have to make sure that your children and grandchildren know how much you love them.

Rosebel · 08/09/2021 14:01

My mum had me when she was 38 and she's still going strong and I'm 41 now.
I had two children in my 20s and another one when I waa 40.
I try not to worry too much about it and just enjoy the time I've got now. You could live until you're 80 and be in good health.
Just for the record my FIL had my husband when he was 28 and died before my husband was 30 so it doesn't always follow.

Mankini · 08/09/2021 14:01

My parents had me when they were 41 and 45. I also have siblings between 10 and 18 years older than me. My parents looked after my twin toddler dgcs on their own for sleepovers when my parents were aged 70+ without any problems and my dcs had a great relationship with them.

Slightly bleakly but also relevant, by the time my parents were in their late 80s / early 90s and on their last legs, in my early / mid 40s I had far more energy to run round caring for them overnight and hauling them up when they fell than my siblings in their 50s and 60s.

You win some you lose some no matter what age you have your children at!

Gingernaut · 08/09/2021 14:04

@TeenMinusTests

70 isn't an issue, most 70yos are pretty fit, independent, and active. By the time you are 80 she will be 39 and hopefully well settled.

No one in my family has hit 70.

We are 'old', broken down and decrepit at around the 65 mark.

I'm dealing with multiple issues at 53.

Never assume everyone is like you or the people you know.

Journeyofthedragons · 08/09/2021 14:05

@Divebar2021

Feels sad that parents having children in their 40s will never have this

It feels sad to me that someone would have a baby at 19 or 20. I imagine my sympathy is as welcome as yours is for my
situation. I’m 51 and my DD is 9 - I have zero qualms about how my life has unfurled ( we’re all different )

I know nothing about your situation as you don't about mine.

I do know that I'll be enjoying watching my grandchild(ren) growing up whilst still being relatively young.

ManifestDestinee · 08/09/2021 14:09

I do know that I'll be enjoying watching my grandchild(ren) growing up whilst still being relatively young
and that you personally think there is some value in that. Others do not agree, particularly when you think of the circumstances necessary in order to have that.

Bluesheep8 · 08/09/2021 14:10

Most of the 70 plus people I know are fitter and healthier than many people in their 30s and 40s.

Journeyofthedragons · 08/09/2021 14:11

@ManifestDestinee

I do know that I'll be enjoying watching my grandchild(ren) growing up whilst still being relatively young and that you personally think there is some value in that. Others do not agree, particularly when you think of the circumstances necessary in order to have that.

What circumstances?

Cyclingforcake · 08/09/2021 14:12

I try not to worry about it. I will have to delay my planned early retirement to get my youngest (who will be 18 when I’m 60) through university. Just hoping she doesn’t want to do medicine or architecture!

GTAlogic · 08/09/2021 14:15

I was 31 when I had my eldest so probably can't comment on this but I do sometimes wish I'd had them younger so I could have more time with them when they're older. A lot of people in my family have died young so I'm really hoping I get to stay around and watch them become fully independent adults.

HaveringWavering · 08/09/2021 14:17

@SuperbLyrebird

Well I never had to sit down and work out that 70 minus 41 is 29.....you just know how old you will be when your child or children are X age

Well done you

I'd just not really thought about it before.

Thanks for replies. My mum had me when she was 30 but died at 45 (rare cancer) my dad had a totally unexpected heart attack in his late 50s so both had gone by the time I was 30. Just bad luck I suppose.

Like you I had one parent die quite young (53). My Mum made it to her mid sixties but still died before I had my son when I was 43. So for me it’s not so much that I worry about my son still being quite young when I am in my seventies, it is worry about not making it that far and essentially dying when he is a child. The closer I get to my Dad’s age (I’m late forties now), the more scary it feels. I was 25 when he died but that’s because he was only 27 when I was born! I feel like he needs to be least 30 for it to be bearable for him (At 25 when my Dad died I coped but, looking back, I really missed out on relating to him as an adult) so that needs me to live to 72 which is, as others have said, a fairy realistic goal these days. I try to stay as fit and healthy as I can and pray to the gods of modern medicine. My husband (similar age to me) just blithely assumes he’ll be fine as both his parents are still hale and hearty but he forgets that they were younger when they had him and that he is very lucky.

I’d never have chosen not to have my son because of worry about being an older parent though, and I am glad I did not have a child with another man and waited for my husband to come along when I was in my late thirties.