I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

@Ozanj given you’re asserting these facts, shouldn’t you be the one to provide a source?

As for winding people up, I can tell from your posts you’re the type that is so adamant you’re right that you consider any alternative view to be a ‘wind up’.

My parents died when in their early 60s. My sister is 10 years older than me - and my god I resented her for the fact she had those extra 10 years I didn’t have with my dad. I was barely 20.
My partners parents - we ended up caring for them for what should have been the best 20 years of our lives. Again, older parents. My partner now thinks and behaves like a decrepit old man, yet is only in his 50s and fit, but it’s like he’s been conditioned to be like that as he had to also care for elderly grandparents whilst a teenager, then straight into caring for his parents with what seems, in hindsight, to be a blink of the eye.

I shudder when I see older parents, and feel sad for what their children could potentially lose in their life. If anyone asks, I say have your children whilst you are young and can both enjoy each other’s company. Don’t let your children become young carers.

* That’s really interesting. There is no doubt whatsoever that the comprehensive private healthcare I get through work helps me keep a close eye on my health. Eg I had a potential gynae issue identified during a smear last week. I saw a gynae consultant within a week. (All fine). Not an urgent referral either, the GP only made it out of an abundance of caution and because I had the insurance).*

Yep. Mum had pancreatic cancer spotted early and a whipple procedure (without symptoms) due to private healthcare. When you consider how tiny the survival rate is for that cancer on the nhs it really puts things into perspective

[quote Realyorkshiretea]@Ozanj given you’re asserting these facts, shouldn’t you be the one to provide a source?

As for winding people up, I can tell from your posts you’re the type that is so adamant you’re right that you consider any alternative view to be a ‘wind up’.[/quote]
I’m not responsible for educating you. Look it up.

I shudder when I see older parents, and feel sad for what their children could potentially lose in their life. If anyone asks, I say have your children whilst you are young and can both enjoy each other’s company. Don’t let your children become young carers

Children can become young carers to parents of any age, and all children can potentially lose their parents. Keep your patronising shuddering sadness to yourself.

When I am 70 Dd will be 40 and DS 42. When DM was 70 I was 43. I have to say I love being the first child of a younger mother. I remember telling her when I turned 35 (she was 61) we are both middle aged now ! We had a few year of both working in senior professional jobs and enjoying that relationship. Because there isn't a huge age gap she was very understanding about yoof culture and fashion.

@Bargebill19 sounds like you need the wine more than the flowers from your story!

But I agree. People seem to obsess over the monetary side of the debate, as if an extra few K a year can compensate for the many human and health benefits lost.

It seems very taboo to say anything about the negative impacts of older parents, which is odd because nobody thinks twice about saying things about teenage parents.

@ManifestDestinee

I shudder when I see older parents, and feel sad for what their children could potentially lose in their life. If anyone asks, I say have your children whilst you are young and can both enjoy each other’s company. Don’t let your children become young carers

Children can become young carers to parents of any age, and all children can potentially lose their parents. Keep your patronising shuddering sadness to yourself.

Can she not state her own experience? Why is this the sole topic in which people’s personal experiences and statistical data is expected to be disregarded in favour of anecdotes and trite inspirational quotes about feeling young at heart? In any other topic, Mn posters LOVE facts & data, when in this one it offends them. Why? I wouldn’t dispute a poster who says they loved having older parents, and appreciate there are some benefits, it’s just my personal opinion that they don’t outweigh the negatives. Other people may think differently.

I'm 30 and my dad soon to be 80, he's fitter and healthier than me 🤣. His parents lived to 100 and grandparents lived into their 90s so I hope he'll be around for a long time yet.

@ManifestDestinee

Yes you quite right and they can. But being an older parent is the one factor people can control. Accidents or illness resulting in disability not so much.

@Realyorkshiretea
Thank you. It’s a taboo to say as a child/adult what the negatives are to having older parents. Or to say those negative effects can last a lifetime for the child.

I can’t say anything about money as neither of us have benefitted in that way - the exact opposite in fact, as we ended up financially supporting all our parents. Both of us did from our very first teenage jobs.
As a child, all you want is love and security, you don’t need or miss fancy foreign trips or a luxury home you aren’t allowed to be a child in.

My mum has just turned 77, I'm 34. She's fit and healthy (more so than my kids' other grandparents who are younger, actually) and helps me with school runs and holiday care etc.

@ManifestDestinee

I shudder when I see older parents, and feel sad for what their children could potentially lose in their life. If anyone asks, I say have your children whilst you are young and can both enjoy each other’s company. Don’t let your children become young carers

Children can become young carers to parents of any age, and all children can potentially lose their parents. Keep your patronising shuddering sadness to yourself.

I second that!

@HaveringWavering why is Manifests’s personal views and experience less valid than yours?

So for me it’s not so much that I worry about my son still being quite young when I am in my seventies, it is worry about not making it that far and essentially dying when he is a child

MoneySavingExpert Martin Lewis spoke movingly of losing his mum when he 11. He said if he was offered a deal where he'd be guaranteed to live until his daughter was 25 and die then - he'd take it.

@Ozanj but it isn’t under 25 and broke/single, or 40+ and secure/married confused there’s many shades of grey in between

This.
The implication on this thread that you can't have a child when you're under 25 & a sucessful career is incorrect.

I do know that I'll be enjoying watching my grandchild(ren) growing up whilst still being relatively young

If that's the achievement you were seeking in life that's great. I had mine later and have no regrets - felt I lived a full child free life long enough to reach financial security and travel so I can enjoy my children with no feeling of missing out on anything in my youth.

We all aspire to different things.

@Bargebill19, actually there isn’t a lot of control on that.
Parents might experienced infertility and struggled for years
They might have met later in life
They might not have been ready for a child when they were young
The pregnancy might not have been planned.
The list is endless really.

So yes those people could also say ‘not going to have a child as I’m over 40yo’. But then if you remember the strength of ‘wanting a child’, then maybe actually they don’t.

Same age for me and my youngest DD - had her at 41. Never occurred to me to worry about it. The only thing I’ve thought is that I’m less likely to be a super hands on grandparent to her children. But then again, my adult children, that I had when I was younger, are showing no signs of settling down or having children, and all three of them have moved some distance away anyway, so I may not be to their children either!

And 70ish isn’t necessarily past it: my own mum (74) is super fit from gardening and cycling; stepdad still runs marathons at 72!

[quote Bargebill19]@ManifestDestinee

Yes you quite right and they can. But being an older parent is the one factor people can control. Accidents or illness resulting in disability not so much.

@Realyorkshiretea
Thank you. It’s a taboo to say as a child/adult what the negatives are to having older parents. Or to say those negative effects can last a lifetime for the child.

I can’t say anything about money as neither of us have benefitted in that way - the exact opposite in fact, as we ended up financially supporting all our parents. Both of us did from our very first teenage jobs.
As a child, all you want is love and security, you don’t need or miss fancy foreign trips or a luxury home you aren’t allowed to be a child in.[/quote]
actually a lot of people can't control it, and even when they can, there are some huge advantages to having older parents.

If we wanted some balance and accuracy we could point out that if you had your kids in your teens, they are more likely to live in poverty, more likely to be in a single parent home, less likely to go to third level education, more likely to go to prison.....

No, you don't just want love and security. You also want food on the table, a decent education, both parents, a stable home, and good prospects in life. All of which are more likely with older parents.

Not that I would dream of saying so though. That would be pretty rude

Bargebill that's a bit of a sweeping statement, not all elderly people need carers, my DM is 88 & in feisty good health. I am 63 myself and an older mum, has DS when I was 43 but DH & I are still working & not expecting our DS to be our carer.

If that's the achievement you were seeking in life

It wasn't something that I was seeking, it's just something that I appreciate now it's arrived. I have financial security and travelling isn't important to me (as an aside my career has meant that I was able to live in two different European cities for the last 10 years and now move back to the UK to be near my grandchild).

we could point out that if you had your kids in your teens, they are more likely to live in poverty, more likely to be in a single parent home, less likely to go to third level education, more likely to go to prison.....

Yes because it’s living in a squat with a feckless teenage mother, or living the lifestyle of Richie Rich with 40+ happily married parents 🙄

DP and I are both 30. DP's dad is early 70's and is the most actively involved with our DD. He plays with her, shows her how to dig the garden and even does emergency pick ups from preschool. He's on standby to stay with her when DC2 arrives in a few weeks! She adores him.

My mum is only mid-50s but can't be anywhere near as involved with DD as she has been disabled for years. I've spent most of my life supporting her in one way or other.

I'll be 49 when DC2 is 18 and while I make jokes of going off travelling the world, nothing is guaranteed. Take each day as it comes OP, don't be worrying about things decades away

Yes because it’s living in a squat with a feckless teenage mother, or living the lifestyle of Richie Rich with 40+ happily married parents

That's a very silly assumption for you to make,

@ManifestDestinee

Yes because it’s living in a squat with a feckless teenage mother, or living the lifestyle of Richie Rich with 40+ happily married parents

That's a very silly assumption for you to make,

You were the one making it…