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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

462 replies

SuperbLyrebird · 08/09/2021 11:42

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

OP posts:
Fizbosshoes · 08/09/2021 12:06

My DH was mid - late 40s when my DC were born but I was late 20s/early 30s . He plans to work til hes nearly 70 to help fund them at uni.
My own Parents died when I was early 30s (my mum was early 60s) and early 40s (my dad was early 80s) I did and still do miss having grandparents around for my DC esp when they were little but it's just how it is.

Bimblybomeyelash · 08/09/2021 12:07

I don’t feel sad about being 70 when they are 30. It more possibly being 80 by the time I have grandchildren that makes me feel a bit sad.

YouJustDoYou · 08/09/2021 12:10

My dh's dad is in his 80s, Dh is mid 40s. We have young kids, but dh had to also look after his elderly father as well. It's...not been ideal. My nan as well was in her mid 80s, and her youngest was late 40s. Again, dealing with an elderly parent needing care whilst also having grandchildren around to take care of/work/life, it's been stressful.

Original poster
SuperbLyrebird · 08/09/2021 12:12

Well I never had to sit down and work out that 70 minus 41 is 29.....you just know how old you will be when your child or children are X age

Well done you Grin

I'd just not really thought about it before.

Thanks for replies. My mum had me when she was 30 but died at 45 (rare cancer) my dad had a totally unexpected heart attack in his late 50s so both had gone by the time I was 30. Just bad luck I suppose.

OP posts:
BiscuitLover09876 · 08/09/2021 12:13

There are lots of benefits to having them older and you must've had your reasons. My parents are older and that's why I had mine younger, but they are (and were, as have now lost one) INCREDIBLE parents and gave us everything.

Keep yourself fit and healthy, live life to it's fullest and put all your affairs in order. Watch Grace and Frankie for inspiration Grin

Havehope21 · 08/09/2021 12:13

Seriously - don't stress about it. As a parent, you bring different qualities depending on the age you are... certain things will help your DD more because you were older and had a certain wisdom. Certain things may be more challenging - none of us know what the future holds or what would have happened with ifs and maybes... best just to make the most of what you have and live in the moment.

3peassuit · 08/09/2021 12:17

I’m an older mother here. My life is the reverse of what’s expected. I care full time for my severely disabled daughter and her 3 year old child. I worry constantly about what happens to them should I become ill. I’m doing my best to stay healthy and positive.

NewlyGranny · 08/09/2021 12:20

I'm barely 18 months off 70 and my three adult DC will be 34, 34 and 31. So what? It's ideal. I'm retired and can visit to help with house moves and childcare if requested. They visit me and I can focus on spending time with them. It works for us. 70 is the new 45, remember. We're not decrepit and I haven't needed a Zimmer frame yet!

Jerseygirl12 · 08/09/2021 12:21

My DM is 70 and has advanced Alzheimer’s, she has had Alzheimer’s for about 5 years. She needs so much help, it’s very sad.

Saoirse82 · 08/09/2021 12:21

My mum had me at 37, she's 76 now and walks 5 miles a day. Plays football with her grandchildren and will sit down on the floor with them and play even longer than my back allows me! I'll be 39 when I have this baby but I'm not overly concerned about what age I'll be as my parents in their mid seventies are in better health than my friends parents in their late 50s. Even my aunts and uncles in their 70s are healthy and active, its not all granny perms and blue rinses, she looks easily 15 plus years younger than she is.

AreYouReally · 08/09/2021 12:21

@ManifestDestinee

Well I never had to sit down and work out that 70 minus 41 is 29.....you just know how old you will be when your child or children are X age.
Meaow!
Magissa · 08/09/2021 12:22

My mum had me late in life at 46. It never made any difference to me she was a lovely mum. My friends loved her, she was kind and funny and always welcoming. My dad was quite a bit younger than her so whether that made a difference I don't know but she never seemed old until maybe a year before she died (aged almost 86).

Famousinlove · 08/09/2021 12:23

My DP is 29 and his parents are in their 70's, they are still active and out and about a lot so doesn't seem like they are 'old' yet

Justwantanewname · 08/09/2021 12:25

I had children mid to late 30s and I definitely feel a bit sad that if eg if had them 3 years earlier I’d have been able to see 3 more years of their lives before I die. I’m glad I didn’t have them loads earlier though as I just wasn’t ready

highlandcoo · 08/09/2021 12:26

Just another perspective - I had fairly elderly parents and they needed my help when I was in my early 40s. I had the energy to do it at that age and also to drive the fairly long distances involved. Even with three children of my own and working part-time I found it doable in a way I wouldn't now.

I have friends now in their late sixties trying to support elderly parents and they are finding it exhausting; they feel that by the time their parents die they will be old themselves, have missed out on enjoying their retirement, opportunity to travel etc and it's hard.

It can be a difficult stage whenever it happens tbh

DiscoDown21 · 08/09/2021 12:26

My partners mum had him at 42 and he is now 42 and she is alive and kicking. Pretty healthy too. Survived cancer and heart problems and dealt with easily. His dad is the same / It’s never been an issue for them at all.

ColleysMill · 08/09/2021 12:26

I wouldn't worry tbh - its not like you can change it!! You don't know what the future holds so I'd just go with the flow and keep yourself as fit and healthy as possible which is all any of us can do.

I say that as someone who's parents were young when they had me, dm had cancer and went at 51, ddad has just turned 70 but has had very poor health for the last 5 to 8 years and is deteriorating quickly with a neurological condition.

My dc will be in their 30s when I'm in my 60s

JaceLancs · 08/09/2021 12:26

DF was nearly 40 when I was born - I had my DC when I was 27 and 29 and always felt sad that he wouldn’t be around to see them grow up
Fortunately he was very active still until 12 months before he died aged 94 - and saw them both grow into adulthood

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/09/2021 12:26

I agree 70 isn’t that old.

You might not end up doing childcare for grandchildren I guess but that might be no bad thing!

BackInBlackAgain · 08/09/2021 12:27

My daughter will be 30. I like others feel sad that when she has children i will possible too old too look after them.

I had my other children in my 20's and i am a granny now, i look after my granddaughter and she exhausts me now when i am in my 40's i dont know how i will do it in my 60's/70's

SpiderinaWingMirror · 08/09/2021 12:28

I'll be happy to get there.
Dp and I were 40 when dd3 was born. His parents were 40 when he was born. Large age gaps between him and siblings and our youngest and her siblings.
Contrast between no 3 and siblings is that they has a band of cousins similar age and grandparents. Youngest hasn't but has benefitted from big sisters and more of our time and cash!

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 12:29

I was 29 when my mum was 70 and she became a grandmother because I had my child in that year. She was quite youthful and a wonderful grandma. Mum lived to 86 and up until then was quite fit, well and independent. I was 45, nearly 46, when she died and knew other women with younger mothers who had died earlier.

Don't worry about it; apart from anything else, you cannot change it! You are also not alone, there must be plenty of other older parents.

Just keep going and enjoy your life.

dopeyduck · 08/09/2021 12:30

My mum had me at 37, I'm 28 now. I've never considered her elderly or an old mum. In fact she looks after my toddler 40 hours a week whilst I work and is very capable.

I don't really think 70 is old these days. I mean my retirement age is 65 I'm not planning on being in a nursing home 5 years later.

I think you're making something of nothing tbh.

DarlingFell · 08/09/2021 12:32

70 is not old. My in laws are in their 70s and are full of life and vitality, they are more active and adventurous than most 40 years old I know. My own parents are also in their 70s with no health issues, medication taken, etc. Equally, 29 isn't particularly young, I was very much a functioning, independent adult at that age!

Keep yourself fit and active to give you peace of mind.

Teenangels · 08/09/2021 12:32

@TeenMinusTests

70 isn't an issue, most 70yos are pretty fit, independent, and active. By the time you are 80 she will be 39 and hopefully well settled.
People who say 70's are usually fit. My mum was a fit active 65 year old never smoked, drank, exercised looked after herself, now 70 with late stage dementia. It's sobering.
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