I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

I’m the child of elderly parents. I’m 31 And my mum and dad are 74 and 72. Both healthy apart from my mum having a bad back. Used to bother me but now it doesn’t. My mums my best friend.

I'll be lucky if they live to see them through to high school never mind adulthood. They're too elderly to babysit etc.

When I had my first MIL was sad that she 'wouldn't live to see them grow up' she was 78 and fit & healthy at the time. She did plenty of babysitting for me and spent lots of time with them. She died after a very short illness aged 96 and my boys were 18 &16.

Yeah but you're likely to live into your mid-80s (based on averages), so she'll be in her 40s when you die, which isn't young.

IME most people only really become 'elderly' in their 80s, maybe late 70s (though some die younger of illnesses of course), so she'll be in her mid / late 30s before you need any 'elderly care'.

The problem comes if she has DC late too. Then you're unlikely to be an active, helpful GP and she may face caring for an elderly parent at the same time that she's managing toddlers and a career. That will be hard.

Make sure you save to cover all your own elderly care expenses to a high standard. That will lift a big potential burden from her shoulders.

What I find really odd is seeing activities advertised for 'the over-50s' as if that's old, past-it for 'normal people activities' and on the downward slope into retirement. I'll still be the parent of a primary-school child when I'm fifty. Busy, active and probably with decades to go before retirement. I realise there are still people who retire very young, in their 50s and that a lot of this stuff will be for SAHM empty-nesters. Still catches me and makes me go 'fifties!?'.

My DD will be 50 when I’m 70. I can imagine feeling too young to have a 50 year old at 70 I think 70 with a 29 year old DC sounds completely fine!! 70 isn’t ‘old’ these days

My mum is 77, walks miles every day, skips with my kids in the back garden and now that COVID restrictions are off is out dancing at every opportunity- we joke that she’ll outlive us all. Don’t sweat it OP - it is what it is

My DP's parents had him 'late' for the time in the early 90s. His dad is 70 and he is 28. No issues really, we know they won't be here as long as mine but who knows?? Tragedies can strike at any time to anyone - just because his parents are older doesn't necessarily mean they will outlive mine, for example.

I am similar (40 when I had my youngest) and sometimes I think "if she waits until 40 to have a baby I'll be 80!" But our ages are just facts, we can't do anything about it now. If I become a Grandma I might be too doddery (or dead) to be very helpful and active, or I might be fine! I'm quite young and fit for my age.

Having said that my parents are 30 (rather than 40) years older than me and were around 60 when I had my first. They have chosen not to be active in my children's lives and my kids barely know them despite the fact they are still active and in decent health. We saw them once last year and not at all this year so far.

Spare a thought for my husband who was 53 when youngest was born. It is not ideal that he might realistically pop his clogs when she is still in her 20s but we just have to make the best of it. His grandmother lived to be 94 with a decent quality of life (living in own home) until the last couple of years.

Plus there have been other benefits to having our second later. We had paid of our mortgage by then and are comfortably off, which the children benefit from (activities, education, holidays etc.)

I don’t worry too much about it… I can’t change it. The people who had children at 25/26 are lucky to have met someone that they wanted to have children with at that age. If I’d had kids with the guys I was dating back then it would be a complete disaster. ( plus I would have been a crappy mother) I didn’t even meet my DH until I was 35.

My parents had me in their 40s. Some 70 year olds are quite frail but I do think it is an age where you have some control on outlook and health and that it turn affects likely lifestyle and outcomes. My parents have not looked after themselves well tbh and are starting to struggle. My grandmother was a force to be reckoned with and had an extremely active social life in her 70s.

Just keep yourself active. My Mum smoked and drank, but was always active, out dancing etc. She became a lollypop lady after retiring. She had me at 40. She was still babysitting in her 70's. Dementia etc is a matter of luck, but you can have your body/brain running at a younger age, if you work at it. When I worked for SS we had foster carers in their early 70's.

Tbh op I'm surprised you're only just realising this. Surely these are things you consider when you make the decision to have children in your 40s? (Not saying at all there's anything wrong with having kids in your 40s btw)

I’m now 38 and had my youngest daughter at 37. It does sometimes come into my head that I may not be able to be a hands on grandma if she has children. My oldest is 17 now though so I am kinda a young mum and an old one haha it does give me reassurance that my older children will be able to look out for younger. My own mum is 64 and fit and healthy and my grandma is almost 89 and although doesn’t leave her house she looks after herself and house pretty well so hopefully long healthy life will be on my side through genes.

I’ve thought about it a lot, my mum had me at age 40 and I had my last child age 43. So I have experienced it both sides. It doesn’t have to be a problem and there are advantages to being older as a parent.

I also saw my gran, who had my mum when she was 25, opt out of life at age 60 and turn herself into a burden on my mum for over 30 years. That was a long, awful period in our family history and I felt bitter towards my gran for her ruining my mum’s life.

My plan is:

• Encourage my kids to be fully independent. I don’t want them being my carer.
• plan and save scrupulously for my old age, so DH and I am never a burden
• stay young, fit and healthy in mind and body so I’m not too out of touch
• teach my kids how to be mentally healthy and resilient. If I die young(ish), then I want them to know how loved they were, and to have the skills to recover and move in with life
• have my will up to date, have life insurance, have planned my own funeral, have arranged for close have my dc if DH and I both die.

The saddest part is for my kids, their gran will definitely die when they are young, and they are close as gran sees us most days of the week as I help care for her now. I can’t cushion the kids from that looming loss,, it will be very very sad but we will cope. Sadness is part of life, and can happen at any age.

It can be hard also as I am sandwich generation and yes I do spend a lot of time now caring for my mum age 84 whilst also looking after my toddler but my mum has been largely independent until Covid so it is only recently I’ve had to step up. Toddlers and very old people get on famously! Although I can’t leave them alone together for more than a few minutes as they get up to mischief.

Luckily I didn´t have kids with the guy I was dating at 25, although I wanted to. It would have been a total disaster. I became a mum at 43, but didn´t even meet my husband until I was 34, married at 36. It is how it is. My dad was 40 years older than me. It is quite common nowadays.

Regardless of age OP I think you will still be a much loved parent and at the end of the day thats all that really matters. I am the same my dd will be 29 when I am 70 and I will be grateful to sit back and watch all she is and all she is doing with her life.That bit is very exciting to me!

@Cupoftea53

I think that is pretty normal these days. Loads of the mums at our primary school having their 50th birthdays!

jeepers that's nuts

It’s a strange one because my Nan had great-grandchildren in her mid 70s who she treated the same as us grandkids. Obviously in those days you had children younger. I have a school friend who is mid 30s and his dad is well over 80!

70 is not old at all these days

I remember watching a doc about people aged 100+ and their tips for a long life. One spritely lad of 105 said 'keep active', even if you dig a hole in your garden and then just fill it in again. So yeah, move as much as possible if you want a healthy old age.

I love that you've just worked this out though

The important th9ng is to stay slim and fit and healthy.

My kids are in their 20's. I am 63, my mother is 97. Its a very strange feeling somehow.

I factored this into when/how many kids I had… 31 is pretty average/young round here tbh to be having kuds

There's exactly the same age gap as between me and my mum and it's never really seemed a big deal to me. My sister and my mum are much closer in age and it seems just as weird/hard for my sister that my mum is getting quite old now as for me, I don't think it's impacted me particularly having the larger age gap.

Im the child of older parents.. mum is 70, dad is 72 and I'm just turned 30... dad is very young at heart and mum is too (apart from other health issues not related to age) I've never really felt disadvantaged...I've just had my first baby at 29 (which I suppose is classed as slightly older for your first child.. I plan to have 2 or two more over the next 10 years and I will just try my best to keep myself young hearted and fit.. DPs mum has just turned 60 and he is 30 but she looks in her late 40s as she takes care of herself and is fun at heart which keeps her young

I'll be 70 when my twins turn 30. It has never occurred to me to be worried about their age when I die.
They won't need to look after me in my dotage. And, parents dying is not the end of the world, so I'm sure they will be fine, out there living their adult lives.