I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

“Age is a privilege denied to many” I’m an older mum (had my children at 38 & 42) my husband is nine years older than me…. The thought of not being here for them worries me but no one knows what the future holds . There are pros and cons to having children later in life. Financially we are much better off now so they get to spend more time with us and we are just making sure we save as much as as we can for their futures

By the time I was 29 my Dad had been dead 6 years having died aged 50 What's your point OP?

42 when I had my DS who is now 10. I am very much hands on with my son and climb trees, use the skate park and build camps in the woods to name but a few things. I am a single parent and I am much more relaxed this time round. My age doesn't come into it. My son has not noticed I am older than many of the other mums. I look after myself and care about my appearance. I am very fortunate I think!

Well if it helps my darling dad was 35 when i was born and he lived to 98,much longer than many with younger fathers,i had him till i was 62. And then it was far more nornal to have kids young.My dad was always young for his age and a far more easy going laid back dad than many younger than him.

@SuperbLyrebird

Not that siblings are always helpful, though, MN has plenty of threads about that!

So let's keep this thread free of sad-lonely-only bingo ...

@SuperbLyrebird

Why aren't I allowed to mention it? I thought this thread was about the realities of being an older parent? And many posters, myself included, have talked about the positive experience from the child's perspective. But it is challenging when you have tiny children and an elderly parent.

I decided not to have children around when I was 40 I'm glad now because at 50 I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness so you can never tell we will be working after 70 Anyway as I doubt we are getting state pension

My parents had me when they were 40 and 42. They were by far one of the older parents at the school gates but never bothered me, I didn't even notice at the time. They are in their 80's now and I am 39. They are the best parents anyone could wish for. They are so old fashioned and homely and it's just so lovely and endearing. All my friends adore my parents. It's so much better than having a mum to go partying with. There is something lovely about having an older mammy that has the older values of life and teaches you the same. There is so much comfort in coming in to mum who tells me the latest gossip from mass while she knits baby cardigans in her armchair. I would hate to have a young, cool,hip mother, to me that just doesn't equate what a mother is,I don't know why,I'm sure it's because I don't have a young mother but I wouldn't swap my parents for the world 😊

@douliket what you have just described is my relationship with my grandparents (please don’t read that in a facetious way). Having meaningful relationships with ‘elderly’ relatives is so lovely because they bring a different perspective to a normal parental relationship. My grandparents are so calm, level headed & provide excellent advice. I’m very lucky to have them.

I had DDs at 41 and 42. Honestly I wish I’d had them when I was younger. Not because I’m worried about being an older parent, just because I’d love to be around to watch them get older…but I just didn’t meet my DexH until I was 39 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m in my mid-20s and my grandparents are in their 70s. I am glad my parents had me when they were young because it means my grandparents have watched me grow up. They played an active role when I was a child. When I see parents of babies or primary aged DC who are a similar age to my parents (48 and 50) it really surprises me. It shouldn’t do, but it still does.

I’ll be 66 when our DD is 29, my DH will be 73. I’ve been quite cheerful she won’t have to wait till she’s in her 70’s for any inheritance (if there is any). In an ideal world I would have had her younger but circumstances meant I didn’t and I would have been an awful mum if i had had her ten years earlier. DH is a fantastic dad. It has forced me to confront my health and am going to start working on that.

As a child of average age parents who were just fucking horrible I can tell you that whilst losing a parent young is hard I would have preferred older parents to what I had. It’s not straight forward, often the circumstances of a childs birth are not perfect. People have children in rocky relationships, ill health can strike at any time (obviously more likely with older parents) financial loss etc. Loving parents matters so much more.

The threads about subjects like “ what made your mum lovely” how many people say “because she was under 25 when she had me”

I’m sad that I won’t be around when my Dc are the age I am now but my parents had me very young and DM has been in very poor health both mental and physical for my entire adult life so we’ve never had much of a relationship anyway.
I try to focus on the now rather than the distant future and am hoping we will have time to enjoy each other now we are through the turbulent teens with the oldest at least.

I was born when my father was 38. He is now mid 70s and has terminal cancer (I think it’s stage 4??). I am the youngest but we all had kids in our 30s and the hardest part is juggling our own small children supporting him through treatment rounds when none of us live close.

But you can get cancer at any age, my own grandmother died from it before I was born. Meanwhile SFIL is also mid 70s and I suspect will live till he is 100

The threads about subjects like “ what made your mum lovely” how many people say “because she was under 25 when she had me

YY to this

My mum was 30 when she had me, I had a lot of fertility problems and ended up being 39 when I had my DS. She’s now 70 and looks after him. They have an amazing relationship and I have to remind myself she’s in her 70’s lol

@SirChenjins

The threads about subjects like “ what made your mum lovely” how many people say “because she was under 25 when she had me

YY to this

But nobody puts ‘because she was over 40 when she had me’ either, do they?

Honestly, I know you’re trying to reassure yourself that your life choices are the right ones (we all do), but your ‘points’ are getting ridiculous now.

The only conclusions we can draw from this thread is that life is a mixed bag, pros and cons with everything we do.

@Camelongirl - sorry, I should have put an emoji at the end of my sentence to avoid coming across as snippy as that wasn't my intention.

But nobody puts ‘because she was over 40 when she had me’ either, do they?

Absolutely- age is irrelevant,. It doesn’t mean you’re a better parent if you’re younger, older or anything in between, despite some of the posts on here from people shuddering at the thought of older parents.

Honestly, I know you’re trying to reassure yourself that your life choices are the right ones (we all do), but your ‘points’ are getting ridiculous now

No reassurance needed.

The only conclusions we can draw from this thread is that life is a mixed bag, pros and cons with everything we do

Absolutely - I’m glad you agree.

I had twins at 48 and I am now 62 while they are 13. I dont consider 70 particularly old. I still work full time and dont feel or look any older than parents 10 years younger so I really wouldnt worry about it.

There were 20 years between my parents so my dad was in his mid-50s when we came along. Most of the time it made no difference, until at the end when my dad went downhill. But the problems were because dad wasn’t an easy person to deal with.

My DSis had her kids in her 20s, I didn’t start till my late 30s, I just wasn’t in the right place to have them earlier. My DSis is now caring for her third grandchild and while she enjoys it, she’s knackered. I’m in a job where the hours are a bit stupid and I’m knackered.

It’s different for everyone - we are all on different paths, so to those disapproving of or pitying really old or really young parents. Stop, just stop. You did it your way, good or bad, there were reasons for that.

You can't predict what will happen. Life expectancy has significantly increased these days so hopefully you'll live to 90-100. One of my grandparents did, and both DH's did, as do many relatives... but just as many were sadly cut short, either illness or sudden unexpected deaths like aneurysms. I find that most people with no health issue go on to 90s.

Yeah my point was the quality of the relationship with your parents is going to be the thing that holds you in good stead. Secure attachment, good parenting, loving home. There are people on this thread with a wide experience of having older parents, some good some bad. But I imagine it would be the same on a thread about people who had teen parents 🤷🏽‍♀️. Or parents who were rich vs parents who were poor etc etc.

And we will ALL get old. On the thread their are people referring to those in their 60’s looking after 80yr olds. It will never be easy helping to care for another person regardless of your circumstances. It might be tiring in your 30’s 40’s when you have kids but it will be just as tiring in your 70’s when you are creaking yourself. I know people in their 70’s who have only just recently been released from caring duties they have had for 20 years! But now travel insurance is more expensive, their own health conditions exacerbated by caring roles for too long etc.

Lets say I fall apart at 70, my DD will be 34, I’ll definitely be dead before she retires. Which I consider a win for her (not that I’m planning for her to be my carer).

I’m fine with the decisions I have made, made some good ones, made some bad ones but I made them with the circumstances at hand. It is what it is.

www.spectrumnews.org/news/link-parental-age-autism-explained/

This suggests women having children under 25 have a higher chance of having a child with autism than older mothers.

I think it's not until/if your own children become parents that having an elderly parent themselves becomes very challenging ie caring for an elderly mum whilst looking after your toddlers or having to face the loss of your parents when you're only 20 something instead of 60 something. My friend has spoken of wishing her mum had been able to have her earlier as her mum missed being there for her wedding and grandchildren. Obviously things can happen at any age and lots of us don't have the option to have children before 40 so it can be helped, but the very nature of life expectancy means older people are more likely to die than a healthy parent in their 60s.

On the bright side, you should die at a time when the resulting inheritance will likely be needed and really useful for family life whereas if you'd had children younger they would be almost retired and presumably well set up by the time your toes curl up.

And we will ALL get old

No, we won't.