I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

My parents had me when they were both more or less 40 (I'm the youngest in a big family). My dad suffered quite a few years of ill health before he died in his early 80s, but my mum is still quite sprightly and apart from the years she was limited in travel due to caring for my dad, and now Covid, we manage to get out and about a fair bit.

The one thing I would say is look after your health and fitness. This is something my father didn't do, and I think contributed to his decline, and as a result I now do weight training and try to keep as fit as possible as I age. Things like trips and falls can be so debilitating when you're older due to muscle wastage, but working on having a good level of fitness and core strength etc will help protect you from these to an extent!

I had my children at 39 and 42. I'm now 43 with a 3yr old and a baby. I don't feel particularly elderly and think my children are very lucky. They have a home with two happily married parents who absolutely adore them. We're very active and they go all over and experience many thinks others don't.

I'm 68 and my daughter is 29 - I regularly look after my nine month old grandson and my daughter and I have a strong and lively relationship. If anything, she keeps my outlook young. I worried about the age gap when she was little, I don't think about it now.

For me and most of my female friends, it was certainly not waiting the perfect relationship
It was waiting for a reasonable man, who was mature enough to want to even take a relationship beyond a few months!

This was a huge problem for me and my friends. No men we knew were ready until at least their mid-thirties, and even then they wanted to move at a snails pace.

I have had friends desperate for a child who now can’t have one because they tried so hard to find a husband and when they did it was too late for children. Heart breaking really.

My friends mother said that if they hadn’t banned sex before marriage in her culture when she was young - that most of the men would have evaded marriage too for as long as they could!

I personally think that women are only going to have more options to have children younger, when men are more willing to commit younger and their biological clock is the same as ours.

My parents had a big age gap and my dad was in his 50's when we came along. He died not long after my 30th birthday and it sucks. It's one of the big reasons I wanted children young. I found out I was pregnant with our youngest a few days after he died and I'm always so sad he never got to meet her. I wish every day he had been younger and was still here with us all.
But everyone has different circumstances and I am a firm believer in fate and all that and what is meant to be will be.

To be fair I would just learn to make the most of your time with them regardless. My mum passed away last year at 54. I’m glad she got to see my babies but my sister missed out on that. Also was suppose to get married in the next year or so and now my mum won’t be there. Life is never guaranteed to anyone so don’t be upset that you had them as an older parent. Better loved and missed then never have the opportunity. X

It was hard losing my mum in my early 30s, I feel a bit jealous sometimes of friends who still have their mums around, it hurts that she never met dd. And do you know what? I've had a lovely life regardless and I wouldn't have swapped my mum for the world not even if it meant being older when I lost her. I hate the thought of leaving DD and her grieving for me but its going to happen one day - it's not necessarily easy at whatever age it happens and I hope that she will feel about me the way I did about my mum.

This is exactly how I feel about my Mum, @AliasGrape. She had me at 38 then suddenly developed a chronic health condition in her 40's. She died when I was in my late 20's. She was a fabulous Mum and I never resented helping her, even in my stroppy teens. I treasure the time I had with her - better to have a shorter time with her than not at all.

*For me and most of my female friends, it was certainly not waitingthe perfect relationship
It was waiting for a reasonable man, who was mature enough to want to even take a relationship beyond a few months!

This was a huge problem for me and my friends. No men we knew were ready until at least their mid-thirties, and even then they wanted to move at a snails pace*

This is really interesting and I think at odds with my experience (I think I said I am 45). DH (we met at 22&23) was my 3rd or 4th LTR, I think I could have been happy with 2 of those men (both married within 2-3 years and have DC now). I had another offer of marriage after I met DH. I don't think my experience was very unusual. I think my generation were quite scared of AIDS so perhaps were fairly monomogamous

I had my 3 children in my 40s (in the 90s). I was about 15 (ish) years older (on average) than the other mothers. Now there are many more women having their first/only child in their 40s.

I live in a very working class community (housing estate) and most of the mothers are very young.

Many of my son's schoolfriends had their kids at nineteen or twenty.

He was born when I was 39, and I have been asked twice by people if he is my grandson.

I am trying to work out whether it is because I look really ancient or whether they are just so used to young mothers.

I wouldn't say it's so bad to be an older parent OP, but for women it is utterly shit when perimenopause kicks in when you still have lively, demanding young children. HRT was an absolute necessity for me I have to admit.

@traumatisednoodle yes I think I was the same generation but probably in different circles. Or perhaps we all missed the boat! We lived in London / South East and no one we knew got married with their twenties. All of us had different types of jobs but middle class I think.

I still do feel a bit sad that I didn’t have a child at 25 - I would have also been able to have more children as I love being a mum! I was the first to have one in my early thirties and to be honest I should have waited a few more years as partner was not as ready as I’d hoped!

My Dad was in his late 30s when i was born, as he is now 87 he needs a lot of care. I am now in my 50's and going through the menopause, I am knackered' Looking after an elderly parent when you are going through the menopause is hell.

When I’m 70 my DD will be 52 so we don’t have as big of an age gap but I feel that my DD missed out on a lot because I was so young so I often wish I had her a bit older to have had a career and money so she had a more privileged childhood. The grass is always greener.

I know lots of people who are more healthy, fit and energetic than younger parents so I really don’t think age is an issue.
The only time I’ve thought someone was too old is someone who’s recently had a child at 67 and that’s mainly because he is in poor health himself rather than the age alone.

@traumatisednoodle

*For me and most of my female friends, it was certainly not waitingthe perfect relationship It was waiting for a reasonable man, who was mature enough to want to even take a relationship beyond a few months!

This was a huge problem for me and my friends. No men we knew were ready until at least their mid-thirties, and even then they wanted to move at a snails pace*

This is really interesting and I think at odds with my experience (I think I said I am 45). DH (we met at 22&23) was my 3rd or 4th LTR, I think I could have been happy with 2 of those men (both married within 2-3 years and have DC now). I had another offer of marriage after I met DH. I don't think my experience was very unusual. I think my generation were quite scared of AIDS so perhaps were fairly monomogamous

I have just turned 48 so am exactly the same generation as you @traumatisednoodle and that is not my experience at all. I think we may have a similar educational level as well. I went to my first wedding aged 29. (That friend was a doctor actually, but she did not have children until she was 35.) Not one other of my friends got married in their twenties (male or female) and none had babies. My boyfriend from age 25 to 30 is still unmarried and childless. The first of my contemporaries at work to have a child was 32. My slightly younger husband’s social circle all had their children between 35 and 45. A few of his male friends are still single. My brother was 32, his wife was 35. They are childless by choice.

@LBirch02

I don’t think 41 as a childbearing age is particularly elderly - having known a few people childbearing at 50 - just my opinion ..

Just because you know people at 50 who are child bearing doesn't change the fact though... realistically.

And having 3 or 4 LTRs while a student! I can only think of a handful of my fellow students who had long term boy or girlfriends, what a waste of University! (Though to be fair when you are a student anything over 2 months is probably an LTR!) I did have a serious boyfriend when I was at law school but it genuinely never crossed my mind I might marry him or have kids with him. He had his first child in his mid thirties.

@traumatisednoodle

I don't think anyome is telling women in thier forties not to have children (well not on this thread). I agree it is a societal problem "35 is young to settle" well not historically and not biologically, and that really is the issue.

You hit the nail on the head about the biological part.

I feel quite sad that if my kids have kids the same age as me ds1 I’ll be 70, ds2 I’ll be 74 and dd I’d be 78. Which if I’m still alive will mean I doubt they remember me much or i’d be able to spend as much of my life as id like with them.

There is a kind of ‘Goldilocks’ period of grandparenting I think. Too you and you’re still working and busy. Too old and you can’t do what you want with them. My mum retired when ds1 was 3 and ds2 1. But My half sister had her kids earlier and my parents hardly saw them because they lived away and everyone was working.

My dad is 76 and his health has massively deteriorated in the last 5 years. H’s mum died at 73 when he was 35 and his dad died at 80 when he was 39.

I’m 44 and my kids are just 9 and just 7 and 4. They adore my parents but I doubt they’ll both be here in 5 years, whereas my grandparents died when I was in my 30s.

The only reason I waited so long to have a child was financial. Which is why H and I are doing everything we can now to ensure the kids have more financial security and stability so that if they want children in their 20s (as I did) they are able and we get longer with them. Only if they want to of course.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Child of older parents and extremely bitter about it - best not to ask :)

I was the daughter of older parents. Not bitter at all.

A lot of people are having kids older these days. I wouldn’t worry x

YetAnotherSpartacus
Child of older parents and extremely bitter about it - best not to ask smile

#Judgemental

I had my two children in my 40s following 13 years of trying to get pregnant. Yes, I sometimes wish I'd been younger when I had them but I feel so lucky that I eventually managed to have them. I do feel the need to try and stay as fit as possible by taking regular exercise, eating well, trying to keep my weight down etc etc because I want to try to be around for my children until they are independent and settled. My mother had me when she was in her late 20s but when I was young I still thought she was old/out of touch/boring. When you're 15 anyone over 30 seems pretty ancient!

My son and I will be exactly the same ages as you and yours, I had him at 41 and it's my only child. Tbh I have done so much with my son, often much more than his friends with younger parents. It's only numbers I don't feel my age unless I'm getting up for work at 5.30😂. Don't think my son has ever thought of me as being an older mum. I think generally our generation has a much younger outlook and often healthier than my parents generation. I'm just looking forward to retirement and be off enjoying myself lol

I was mid 30s when I had my dds, I’m now 52, I think it’s kept me young, my dad died of cancer when he was 42,:no guarantees on anything,

Life’s far too unpredictable to worry about details like this.