I've just worked out that when I'm 70 my DD will only be 29

[SuperbLyrebird]

I've never done the maths before but I was reading a thread on the Elderly Parent board the other day (heaven knows why as I've never had elderly parents!) and it got me thinking and I felt sad.

How do others who had their kids in there 40s feel?

And to add the disclaimer: I know I will be fortunate to reach that age as neither of my parents did.

I am stepping away from this frankly bizzare thread now. My initial comment was in response to a PP saying she would have hated being a young mum and would have children at 34 or 35 eg; making an avtive choice to delay parenthood.

1. no, there are other ways and 2. that's rhetoric for you.

Bye

There was a thread the other day with a women saying she wanted a baby in her early 20's, plenty of "education" and "advice" was shared with her.....

@traumatisednoodle

I am not divorced (no plans to be) but I did keep an unplanned pregnancy aged 27.

Had I not got pregnant we may not have stayed together. We are as happy as most people I think and are looking forward to some child free freedom in the next 5-10 years.

Interesting. So you had no plans to become pregnant during your peak fertile time of 25-30 then? You had an accident, it worked out well for you and you’ve turned it into an evangelical mission.

Do you genuinely look at these families with disabled children with whom you work and think “If only someone had told them that it was risky to have kids when you’re over 40”?

Interesting. So you had no plans to become pregnant during your peak fertile time of 25-35?

I absolutely did. Having worked on NICU there is no way I would have pushed it beyond conception at 29 for my first. Yes this was more important to me (ensuring the best possible outcome) than either finaicial security or the perfect relationship.

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My dad was 41 and my Mum 37 when they had me. I'm 39 now and it has not negatively effected me (I think). My (divorced) Dad passed in 2019 but being in my 30s I felt emotionally mature enough to deal with his passing (although I had help from my siblings) my Mum is 76 and has just recently moved closer to me to be near her 1 year old Grandchild (her other grandchildren are teens) she tells me having me later kept her young 😅 she is pretty fit for her age.

I was 38 when I had my son and I think I'm one and done, I don't worry about being 70 when they are 32 but I do sometimes worry about them planning my or my husbands funeral alone without help from a sibling so one thing I intend to do is make sure I have my affairs in order as much as possible for when that time comes to help with that burdon.

@traumatisednoodle

Interesting. So you had no plans to become pregnant during your peak fertile time of 25-35?

I absolutely did. Having worked on NICU there is no way I would have pushed it beyond conception at 29 for my first. Yes this was more important to me (ensuring the best possible outcome) than either finaicial security or the perfect relationship.

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Interesting - my colleagues in NICU and obstetrics are usually older than 29 when they have their babies. It's very unusual for any of the doctors there to have their babies in their 20s as they're still working their way through their careers - but ultimately it's all down to personal choice.

@traumatisednoodle

Interesting. So you had no plans to become pregnant during your peak fertile time of 25-35?

I absolutely did. Having worked on NICU there is no way I would have pushed it beyond conception at 29 for my first. Yes this was more important to me (ensuring the best possible outcome) than either finaicial security or the perfect relationship.

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OK, fair enough, I could have put that better- what I meant was - your becoming pregnant during your peak fertile window of 25 to 30 was not planned then? Because at 27 you had an unplanned pregnancy and you said that you probably would not have stayed with that guy had it not been for that pregnancy. So, in relation to your actual pregnancy you did not say to yourself “I’m going to do this now, with this man who is not a long term prospect”. (ie you did not do what you are asking others to do). The decision was taken out of your hands.

And I’ll ask again- you’re saying that when you cared for premature babies in NICU you wished that their older parents had been persuaded not to have them?

Interesting - my colleagues in NICU and obstetrics are usually older than 29 when they have their babies. It's very unusual for any of the doctors there to have their babies in their 20s as they're still working their way through their careers - but ultimately it's all down to personal choice

Yes I was hoping to get my membership first. I might have been 30 (although age at conception is what counts). I don't know many Drs who wait till after 32/33 lots of GP trainees have babies in ST3 ( so 28/29), most speciality trainees will do it in the "registrar years".

And I’ll ask again- you’re saying that when you cared for premature babies in NICU you wished that their older parents had been persuaded not to have them?

Of course not but I saw the heartache of prematuriy (often following fertility treatment- presumably after years of TTC), the HIE of post matuirty (often older mothers) did I wish some of that suffering could have been prevented - of course I did.

I refuse to believe that you have enough data to make any sort of authoritative statement about when “most” doctors have their children. (And I include the ages of the partners of the male doctors in this too).

Yes I was hoping to get my membership first. I might have been 30 (although age at conception is what counts). I don't know many Drs who wait till after 32/33 lots of GP trainees have babies in ST3 ( so 28/29), most speciality trainees will do it in the "registrar years"

Yes, so early 30s for their first, and mid to late-ish thirties for subsequent. Not old, but certainly not young. All focusing on their careers and building stable relationships - which can be difficult in the early years of medicine.

Well I have probrably known 200 junior doctors.....so should have qualified it with in my experience.

FY1- 23/24
FY 2 24/25
ST1 25/26
ST2 26/27
ST 3 27/28

Most specialities ST3/4 is registrar so often before 30

Yes, in your experience - but there are no definite figures as you'll know.

There are many, many more women giving birth to healthy babies after the age of 35 than there were 30 years ago - so while there are certainly more risks (as there are with teenage pregnancies) ultimately it's up to the individual to decide, and certainly no-one should be judging a woman for wanting to focus on finding the right partner to provide a stable family life or to develop her career whilst pushing back her pregnancies.

@traumatisednoodle

And I’ll ask again- you’re saying that when you cared for premature babies in NICU you wished that their older parents had been persuaded not to have them?

Of course not but I saw the heartache of prematuriy (often following fertility treatment- presumably after years of TTC), the HIE of post matuirty (often older mothers) did I wish some of that suffering could have been prevented - of course I did.

That’s just human nature. It is a huge leap, however, to ask people who can have children in their forties not to do so. Very few potential older mothers are unaware of the risks. It sits very badly coming from a mother who was lucky enough to be in a position to have a baby in her late twenties - “You should have done this sooner, wouldn’t risk it now if I were you”.

And delivering that message preventatively when a woman is in her twenties is also problematic. The idea that more than a tiny fraction of women deliberately delay motherhood for fun or career reasons is misguided. Most are just getting on with work and having a life while trying to find the right person/circumstances to make them feel ready. For many, having the right partner is part of that readiness and 35 is pretty young to settle.

@traumatisednoodle

Well I have probrably known 200 junior doctors.....so should have qualified it with in my experience.

That’s a tiny number, statistically, and in comparison to all the doctors in the U.K.

Tiny but not necessarily unrepresentative.

I don't think anyome is telling women in thier forties not to have children (well not on this thread). I agree it is a societal problem "35 is young to settle" well not historically and not biologically, and that really is the issue.

I had mine at 41 and 43, and my husband was 4 years older. He died at 51 so there's no guarantee about anything.
All I know is I have a good relationship with my teens, I am doing my best.
If I had them in my 20s I would have had a different life - not necessarily better or worse. And I don't think they are worse off for having an 'older' mum. If I live the average expectancy they will be mid to late 40s when I pass away.

No-one can tell a woman not to have a baby in her forties, thankfully, but let's face it - some of the posts on here have been pretty unnecessary and judgemental. Let's leave the historical issue to one side as it's not relevant to today's world - and while there may be biological reasons why pregnancy in your 40s come with a higher risk, there are many thousands of perfectly healthy babies born to older women who in turn will live longer, healthier lives than women even 50 years ago.

@traumatisednoodle

I don't think anyome is telling women in thier forties not to have children (well not on this thread). I agree it is a societal problem "35 is young to settle" well not historically and not biologically, and that really is the issue.

I think that 35 is too young to settle in a relationship with the wrong man if you take babies out of the equation. The problem comes when you do find the right man when you are 40. Very hard to say then that you should not try for a baby when it might be only then that the idea becomes attractive to you. That was what happened to me- I wasn’t fussed about motherhood till I met the man whose babies I wanted to have.

Yes my GM was 96 when she died (her oldest greatgrand child was 16). Although they do say life expectancy is falling we may not live as long as our parents...

@traumatisednoodle

Yes my GM was 96 when she died (her oldest greatgrand child was 16). Although they do say life expectancy is falling we may not live as long as our parents...

It's certainly slowing, but it's difficult to predict whether that will continue. Obesity/overweight levels is creating a whole raft of issues for the future - perhaps we should be more concerned about younger parents requiring unpaid carers if these rates continue.

When I'm 70 DD will be 27